What would you except in return for doing a wedding cake as a gift? / AIBU?

[weddingcakery]

A family member got married in December. I offered to make the cake to save them a lot of money. I'm not a professional baker but am pretty good when it comes to cakes. The cake looked and tasted ace

I just wondered if IWBU to expect a thank you in the wedding speeches and/or a thank you card afterwards?

We used a professional cake company, obviously paid for it and still sent a thank you card for the amazing cake/service

It's not her particular foibles; it's the established etiquette of the situation.

I did a friends make up for free for her wedding, I organised her hen do, went to the hotel the night before also and paid to stay there so I could be there for her in the morning.

Didn't get a thank you, her wanker of a husband mentioned everyone else (hair, flowers, cake - all freebies from friends) and they sat us on a different table to our close friendship group (as a couple of his friends turned up to meal without having responded so they took our place)

Honestly, some people are dickheads. My friend was lovely but just scared of her husband. He was vile. He knew I didn't like him as he had done awful things I had called him out on. She had no backbone at all.

Of course they should have thanked you in speeches, often paid for stuff gets mentioned let alone expensive/time consuming gifts from friends

I think if you can send out save the date cards, then invitations you can send thank you cards. My friend's sons got married and I couldn't go on each occasion, holiday then Covid, I sent cards and money and also messaged them both. Not a dicky bird in response. In your case making a cake which is quite a centre piece on the actual day and not receiving a card, just a verbal response is poor manners.
Brides and grooms are more than happy to follow lots of traditions and this is one of them.

A card? Bunch of
Flowers

Did they cover costs?

It's not her particular foibles; it's the established etiquette of the situation.

For some people. Clearly it's not a universal feature of humanity that we all think people in writtne form. These things vary between individuals and groups so it's silly to think your personal mannerisms are the same as manners.

Maybe OP could have just described a cake verbally, too. Save all that faff of actually putting in time & effort to do a proper job.

Yes, eating a cake and recieveing a written thank you are the same so your analogy showing that neither works in a verbal form is completely valid.

I have changed my mind now and feel everyone must thank people in card form or it means nothing.

I’m a pro cake maker and have made lots of wedding cakes for friends. I do actually charge now (at a discounted rate) but always receive a thank you in the speeches and usually a card (though not always, and I don’t mind that personally). I would have been a bit miffed not to have got a thank you in the speeches, but people can be a bit rubbish.

So many people are missing the point.

A wedding cake takes a huge amount of effort. Surely if the couple can take the time to send invitations to people, the least they can do is properly acknowledge the fact that you have done them a huge favour?! A verbal thank you for something so significant is frankly, lazy and easy!

Anyone can say, "thanks, looks amazing." It takes two seconds. They are selfish. If a friend offered to make my wedding cake, I would thank them in the speeches, and send a written card, and cover the cost of their ingredients as the bare minimum.

Wouldn't be doing them any favours in the future.
People can dress it up as they like. The truth is, in this day and age, so many people can't be arsed to say "thank you" properly.

Again, it's not my or anyone else's "personal mannerisms."

There are established, universal norms in etiquette. We aren't making it up.

People are just lazy. They'll spend days on Facebook or whatever but can't put in the five minutes per guest to write a brief note and post it.

The point is, if one party to a friendship can put in time and effort to make a gesture, the least the other party can do is put in some time and effort on a tangible expression of gratitude.

It's just rock-bottom decency. Trying to blow it off as stodgy or old-fashioned is ludicrous.

There are established, universal norms in etiquette. We aren't making it up.

You are making that up. Clearly they are established norms amongst some people but a glance at any thread about this (including this one) shows they aren't universal, even in the UK.

If sending cards was universal we'd all agree with you. The earliest cave paintings would show hunting for food and writing thank you cards.

Just because you think it's what people should do doesn't mean everyone has the same expectations. It's spectacularly narrow minded not to grasp that.

"The point is, if one party to a friendship can put in time and effort to make a gesture, the least the other party can do is put in some time and effort on a tangible expression of gratitude.

It's just rock-bottom decency. Trying to blow it off as stodgy or old-fashioned is ludicrous."

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Absolutely this. You worded it better than I did.

Etiquette is not the gross sum of "what people think." It's an established canon of its own. Some people heed it, others don't. But to those who do, those who don't will look like clods if they don't make low-effort gestures like a note of thanks in return for great kindness.

Muttering "oh that looks amazing" is paltry.

It's an established canon of its own. Some people heed it, others don't. But to those who do, those who don't will look like clods

Genuinely: who cares? If someone is more bothered about adherence to some silly rules than giving a gift because they want the recipient to be happy that's their problem.

Thank you cards for weddings seem to have become a thing of the past in my experience. In times past you'd receive a thank card within days of the wedding (I knew one bride who had written them before the wedding day). Now the excuse seems to be 'we're waiting for the wedding photos before designing our own cards' and this takes ages and then they get forgotten in the hustle and bustle of normal life kicking back in.

Call me old fashioned but I think it's rude not to thank your guests for their gifts, especially for anyone who has made such an active contribution to the wedding day, thereby saving the couple 100s of pounds. It doesn't have to be a physical card - a well phrased email is fine, but some acknowledgement is certainly due.

I will now dismount my soap box and drink my tea

I’ve made cakes twice for friends weddings as part of our gift to them ( also popped them some cash in a card)
both times I’ve received lovely thank you gifts including a spa day and the other a whole goody bag or lovely things. I also got a special mention in the grooms speeches and thank you cards after the fact.
I think if someone has gifted their time and resources in making something as important to the day as a wedding cake there should at least be a thank you card.

But social relationships ARE reciprocal, by definition. A thank-you note isn't a receipt cranked out perfunctorily for merchandise received. It's the next segment in the mutual communication between caring friends.

A decent person would be only to eager to make an effort to show their appreciation. Those who see it as a dreaded task or outdated custom aren't very good friends. They're making it clear that the people who wish them well and do them favours aren't themselves worthy of any exertion or kindness.

@DPotter you aren't "old fashioned," old fashioned is just the excuse people use when they can't be bothered to exercise some common decency and produce a tangible expression of thanks for the time and effort someone has put in.

I’m not sure a card if necessary if they have already given you a heartfelt thanks in person or verbally?

I rarely write cards but always say thank you

So when people shop for you, spend their time and money on you to wish you well and get you a gift, you don't think it's worth the effort to send them a note?

'
When someone puts in hours of painstaking work to create a wedding cake, it's ok if the recipients just toss off a quick thanks amid their wedding festivities and not bother to follow up or acknowledge the friend who did the baking in any other way?

Yep this.

My Aunt did our flowers, my Gran made the cake, and we had other people help with things. They were all mentioned in the speeches, thanked face to face, with a card and bought a little gift. If someone has saved you money, and given up their time (and presumably paid) to make something for you, it seems crass to not actually thank them! I mean, isn't that really what the groom's speech is for?!

We also sent everyone who'd bought a present a thank you card after we got back from honeymoon.

According to some of the posts on here, this went out with the Ark, but i'm only mid 40s and all my friends would do the same.

A work friend made our cake and we sent flowers and a small bottle of gin

Yep also this!

My husband's aunt did our cake. We paid her (cost) and got her flowers on the day and thanked her in the speeches