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Original poster

What would you except in return for doing a wedding cake as a gift? / AIBU?

171 replies

weddingcakery · 17/03/2023 14:41

A family member got married in December. I offered to make the cake to save them a lot of money. I'm not a professional baker but am pretty good when it comes to cakes. The cake looked and tasted ace Grin

I just wondered if IWBU to expect a thank you in the wedding speeches and/or a thank you card afterwards?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/03/2023 22:45

Octi · 17/03/2023 22:37

I would expect them to say “Thank you, it looks amazing and tastes delicious.”

That’s it.

Thank you cards are so old fashioned, I didn’t even do any when I married 20 years ago.

Same, I thanked people on the night

And i get a thank you when I give a gift I don't need anymore thanks I would rather the bride and groom spend the money on thank you cards on their honeymoon

Quitelikeacatslife · 17/03/2023 23:22

I was professional cake maker and asked to do cake for close member of DH family. They specified exactly what they wanted etc (and MOB mentioned paying )and I had to transport it to wedding across country. I thought it was awkward to price as would normally have cost £100s but I thought to myself I'll add in the cost of what would have done for gift and reduce cost. Anyway the day came and went they never mentioned cost again. I didn't know what to do, the next morning MOB said nothing, I felt like I couldn't present invoice . They said how nice it was but not in a "thank you so much" way. The thing that really got to me is no special thank you card from MOB or B&G Months later we got generic thank you for being part of our day card but no handwritten note mentioning cake. I'd have been happy with that or bunch of flowers (or how much do we owe you? I could have chosen to do freebie)
I'd forgotten how hurt I was, this has brought it all back

BridaBrida · 18/03/2023 07:27

Ok, it was technically a gift but it’s hardly the same as a voucher for John Lewis! You saved them hundreds of pounds and put a huge amount of time and effort into something that was an important part of their day.

I’m in Scotland so maybe wedding etiquette is a little different here but it’s not unusual to thank family and friends who have helped with the wedding and present them with a bouquet of flowers during the speeches. Same with parties. I think it’s quite embarrassing to accept such a gift and not acknowledge it properly.

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ThomasinaLivesHere · 18/03/2023 07:40

I don’t get how thank you cards are old fashioned but card/paper invitations are presumably not. A text or email could do the job just as well.

Most weddings I’ve been to I’ve got a thank you card. Even if it’s not hand written it’s usually personalised for the wedding with photos on it. I think they’re nice to do especially as weddings are expensive for the guest and the gift you give is usually bigger than for other events.

micheljobs · 18/03/2023 07:46

If you are doing this so that you can get in something in return like thanks or a gift at a wedding then I guess you shouldn't have to do it for thanks cause if they don't appreciate it, you will feel bad, so, it is better not to do and even if you wanted to do then don't expect anything from them in this way even if they don't appreciate you won't get disappointed.

WhyIsBogdanSexy · 18/03/2023 07:49

People really send out thank you cards for every gift they receive at their wedding? That seems like an awful waste of paper when a verbal thank you (or text if opened later) works just fine.

This is a joke, right? Shock

drpet49 · 18/03/2023 07:52

Considering your gift must have saved them hundreds of pounds I think a thank you card as a very minimum.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 18/03/2023 07:53

Perhaps they did thank you cards from their gift list and off list gifts were overlooked?

If they were suitably grateful in person I wouldn't be upset.

ninetieseyebrows · 18/03/2023 08:02

Done this twice now, each time thanked in speeches and presented with flowers.

WashAsDelicates · 18/03/2023 08:06

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 17/03/2023 16:03

@WashAsDelicates wowsers! That’s a bold move, hope you said no??

I didn't reply, just quietly distracted myself from the friendship. Years later they rekindled the friendship, without any mention of that letter. I decided that it must have been a moment of weddingzilla, because we really had been good friends until then. Water under the bridge, and all that.

But after them I never made any more wedding cakes for friends. I don't need the stress.

I've made about 6 gift wedding cakes. Generally I've had thanks in person, either after the formal parts of the day, or a few days later by phone. The only time I was thanked formally, in the speeches, was at my parents' cleaner's wedding. Her cakemaker cancelled on her one week before the wedding, and my dm asked me to step into the breach.

WashAsDelicates · 18/03/2023 08:15

micheljobs · 18/03/2023 07:46

If you are doing this so that you can get in something in return like thanks or a gift at a wedding then I guess you shouldn't have to do it for thanks cause if they don't appreciate it, you will feel bad, so, it is better not to do and even if you wanted to do then don't expect anything from them in this way even if they don't appreciate you won't get disappointed.

Rubbish.

A massive amount of effort goes into making wedding cakes. We do it because we love doing it and because we love our friends. A message of thanks is simply good manners. It is rude to ignore the cake-giver's contribution. Twice as rude if you thank the person who gave you a £50 shopping voucher, but ignore the person who spent more than that on ingredients and utilities, plus hours of their time and the benefits of their years of experience.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/03/2023 09:16

DM has made many wedding cakes as gifts I want to say but she usually gave a gift, too! She always got a mention in the speeches and a bunch of flowers, too. Quite rightly!

RosaBonheur · 18/03/2023 09:25

CoQ10 · 17/03/2023 22:43

Thank you cards or a note are not old fashioned. Its just that people's manners have deteriorated over the last few years.

You are clearly incredibly kind and generous and an acknowledgement of what you made for them should have been automatically forthcoming after the wedding. How many layers did you say were in the cake!!!!

This is the ultimate in cheeky fuckery. Such a shame for you.

Yeah, I only got married five years ago and pretty much everyone I know sent thank you cards.

Lovelynames123 · 18/03/2023 09:27

Well the last one I made, where I was at the wedding, and had charged for, I got thanked in the groom's and bride's speeches, anything less is rude!

purpledalmation · 18/03/2023 09:34

Here no U at all. Very ungrateful

Rosecoffeecup · 18/03/2023 09:52

It's incredibly rude to not send thank you cards IMO. But at times I've received them up to 6m after the wedding, so you might still receive something.

FitAt50 · 18/03/2023 10:00

A friend made my wedding cake as a gift for me. I bought her a really nice vase and flowers as a thank you.

Quent · 18/03/2023 10:14

You say in your OP that you offered to make the cake. They thanked you and appreciated the work you'd done which is what I would expect - I don't think you should be miffed if you didn't get anything else.

If you actually wanted something in return, you should have made that clear when you offered.

harriethoyle · 18/03/2023 10:17

NortieTortie · 17/03/2023 15:13

People really send out thank you cards for every gift they receive at their wedding? That seems like an awful waste of paper when a verbal thank you (or text if opened later) works just fine.

I would've thanked a cake maker in the speech though.

Yes. It's unbelievably rude not to imo...

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/03/2023 10:17

I would have sent you flowers. That was a very generous gift.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 18/03/2023 10:22

A friend made all of our bridesmaid dresses, and the only payment she would accept was for the materials. We brought her a beautiful gift as a thank you. It's etiquette to give a token gift to non paid people who have helped to put a wedding together, so it shows up your friend to be rude that she didn't get you flowers or anything.

SkyandSurf · 18/03/2023 10:24

You are right to feel miffed.

We only had short speeches but we certainly thanked everyone who had contributed to the wedding. Credit where it is due.

A wedding cake is expensive to make, both in time and materials. You have saved them hundreds.

I hope you they thank you properly soon, or I wouldn't be doing any further favours for them.

caringcarer · 18/03/2023 10:30

If they thanked you on person on the day then surely you know they were thankful for your efforts.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/03/2023 10:38

MaryDerry · 17/03/2023 14:53

I'd have expected a thank you note and perhaps a photo of them stood by the cake if one was taken.
But I like thank youuuuuus, apparently its dated on MN

Agree, a card & photo are the very least they should do.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/03/2023 10:41

donquixotedelamancha · 17/03/2023 15:20

I don't really understand why a card is better than a thank you in person.

There are some people who think cards are really important. Clearly you are one, OP and clearly they are not. I think it's unreasonable to expect others to value the same arbitary things you do- they expressed their thanks in the normal way and I'm sure they are greatful.

Maybe OP could have just described a cake verbally, too. Save all that faff of actually putting in time & effort to do a proper job.

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