I feel a bit shit about giving birth now - I missed the 'golden hour'

[Silverlog]

I've just been reading in the news about how important the golden hour is for your newborn. To have it laid on your chest skin-to-skin for the first hour. I was absolutely pie-faced on drugs giving birth and I was hallucinating too. It took me 3 days to come down to earth again afterwards, I was zombied-out. I'm actually really unhappy about the amount of drugs I was given. (The reason was that nothing gave pain-relief, all 8 epidurals were like water, no effect). I was given a lot of different stuff.

Having given birth, baby was wrapped up, shown to me & handed to dad, where she stayed whilst I was stitched. Very soon I was fast asleep after a 3 day labour.

I know it doesn't matter now as she's grown, but how I wish it'd been different.

There is no golden hour. Especially not the first hour after birth. Maybe some mums. Others can be hours or days

I didn't get to do delayed cord clamping for DD1 because she came out not crying and they needed to resuscitate her. There are a million things that all make a potential impact one way or another, and theories change all the time. 15 years ago you would probably be beating yourself up if you ate peanuts in pregnancy; now you'd be beating yourself up if you didn't. No one really knows and the likelihood is the impact is minute either way.

My notes from the hospital say "skin to skin offered and refused". The reality is that I was lying there being examined and being told that I had third degree tears and I'd be taken to surgery asap whilst a midwife was asking if I wanted to try feeding now and I suggested we wait until there were less hands in my vagina so she popped him on my chest on top of my Tshirt instead. My golden hour didn't feel so golden but hey ho.

@katepilar Studies or not (I never felt the need to actually search for them) I believe that how you feel in the world right after birth does have an impact on how you feel in the world in your whole life. Theres obviously more factors that shape your life experience but this is a one of the significant ones. I guess it will be mentioned in the film called In Utero that looks into how the life in our mother's womb shapes how we perceive the world.

I agree with you to an extent - look at the Romanian orphanage babies for example, but those babies were in very different circumstances to those described anywhere on this thread.
The idea that "how you feel in the world right after birth" depends on a very specific set of circumstances (being skin to skin with mum) for a specific length of time (an hour) just isn't backed up by the evidence (nor, I suspect, anecdotally, if studies aren't your thing). In the OP's case, the baby was handed straight to a loving parent for cuddles and reassurance so I imagine he or she felt pretty good in the world 🤷🏻‍♀️
And for babies that don't have that experience - they need immediate medical attention for example - have you ever met an adult who (underlying physical conditions aside) is still struggling with the effects of being in an incubator for the first hours or days of life, if the parents were loving and responsive once they were able to be?
It's a nice thing for baby and parents to have snuggles at birth but the idea that the first hour of life sets the course for the next 80 years is a ridiculous fiction.

Another here who had a premmie and didn't get a chance for skin to skin contact until days later. I got a brief glimpse of my new baby and he had to go with paediatric team to NICU. These things happen.

I barely got a flash of DS1 while they did the essentials then whisked him off to NICU while I was stitched up, sent to recovery and HDU. It was oddly empty after carrying him for 9 months, and a long labour, and the last minute panics and confusion of the EMCS to be there alone.

DS2 I did get him straight away, while I was being stitched up in theatre and that did a lot of emotional healing for me.
I don't think it's made any difference to either child.

If mother and child are healthy enough to be together in the first hour, that's automatically an easier starting point than requiring medical interventions that separate them. Parenting's hard enough without beating yourself up over medical matters beyond your control... she says many years after time healed that particular maternal guilt.

I had the golden hour.

Baby put on me skin to skin & everyone fucked off.

I honestly was terrified I was going to drop her I was so out of it.

I finally attracted attention for help - and the midwife realised that while they were poncing about with special fluffy bonding time - they’d overlooked that I was actively haemoraghing.

Took me weeks and weeks to feel normal & a lot of problems with feeding. The hour wasn’t worth it.

I was out.of.it. In the 'golden hour' I had an elected c sections but the drugs made me very dozy plus nauseous and shaky so the baby wasn't on me at all until back in the room 2 hours later. Hubby had her but he was wearing a jumper. Don't worry for a second - stupid article - the time you have with you baby once you felt better is what counts. Honestly stop thinking about this now you'll tire yourself out.

They made a big deal of it when I had DS1.
I didn’t question it and did what I was told. With DS2 they didn’t mention it but I had in my head as important so did it with him.

I can’t see how it’s made any different to them now they are approaching adulthood

Never heard of this 'golden hour'. Maybe my youngest baby had it with his father while I was under GA and the doctors were trying to keep me alive.
More guilt-feeding nonsense for women.

Exactly. I've been thinking about this occasionally over the last couple of days since I posted on this thread and I have concluded that it is yet more bollocks to guilt trip women with..

Women should not beat themselves up over this. A traumatic birth can mean that there are many reasons why the mythical "golden hour" gets missed. Most of us who fell into that category still bond with our babies, even though it may take longer.

Plenty of time for "golden hours" once you are stitched up as necessary and have recovered from general anaesthetic if one was needed.

Romanian orphans were left alone tied up in cots from birth up to their teen years. Their hideous experience and outcome was to emotional and physical neglect that went on for their entire childhood. Bugger all to do with the golden hour. I agree with pp it is more shite to beat women up with and I refuse to engage with it.

They didn’t really suggest skin to skin when I had DS 22 years ago, I don’t think it was such a thing then. Personally I just enjoy the memories of the cuddles I had with him as a baby and don’t worry about what I might have missed out on.

100% this

I think it's a myth too, most new mums are too exhausted to make the most of anything, other than relaxing and getting themselves together. It's just one hour of the whole of their life with you - just as mad as thinking that your wedding day is the critical day of your life. Meaningless....

My first baby was taken to NICU without me even getting to see him until hours later for a brief moment and when I woke in the morning I didn’t dare go there to check on him because I thought he wouldn’t live. He is 17 now but it still brings tears to my eyes

This is perfect x

DS was emergency CS, whipped put, and pretty much immediately vented and sent to NICU. I didn't even see him. I held him for the first time at just under 2 weeks of age. Presumably given the lack of skin to skin and golden hour, our relationship is irreparably damaged and his life ruined. Unlike his twin brothers who Daddy and I held solidly. Except I defy anyone to tell me which child I damaged by not holding immediately after birth

The phrase golden hour annoys me. Not that I’d heard it before

I don’t think it necessarily helps to dismiss the OP’s feelings with “oh I had it far worse than you and we’re absolutely fine”. She’s not talking about your birth, she’s talking about hers.

There is nothing wrong with feeling genuinely disappointed or sad that your birth didn’t go the way you wanted it to, even if your child is grown up. I know my mother still has birth trauma 50 years after the fact.

I had never heard of this being called the "golden hour" before this thread. Golden hour to my mind is that hour of light in the evening when everything looks nice and you post a picture of your cat lying on the sofa or something with the hashtag #goldenhour

Honestly, this sounds like just one more of those things that has been invented to make us feel guilty about our experiences of childbirth. Probably by an influencer on instagram, and now it has filtered down to Mumsnet.

I gave birth to baby 1, dimly remember holding her for a bit before the midwife sent me off for a shower (??) and afterwards I got dressed and went with baby to the recovery ward. With baby 2, I held for for a couple of mins then she went to sleep, so I went off for... yep - another shower (my hospital must be really into post-partum washing!) and then she was still asleep, so I just sat there and waited for DH to come back with the carseat so we could go home (I went straight home with her after the birth).

No smug instagram hashtag, just having a baby whatever way works out safely for all concerned.

I had an elective section and was taken to post natal.intensive care as a precaution due to heart problems. I then had pph, collapsed and came round to 7 lines in various places for drugs. Dd was with me but midwives cared for her, i didn't hold her for 3 days but we were fine, she's 20 now and we are close. Occasionally that's how it goes and I'm.just grateful we both survived

I was extemely ill with PE for the birth of my secons child and was close to death, I didnt even want to touch my baby in the minutes after she was born, I now know it was because it taking everything i had to stay alive. I told them to take her away as soon as she was born (EmCS) so they gave her to my DH until i was more coherent. I suffered severe PTSD as a result and felt like the worst mother in the world, what kind of mother refuses to touch her newborn? until i went through therapy with a therapist who really made me understand it wasnt my fault, your natural instincts kick in in a crisis and mine was to make sure the baby was in a safe place (with dad) as i couldn't look after her safely at that moment (i was in and out of conciousness) and it hasnt had a detrimental effect on my and my DDs relationship at all, its just as close if not even closer than to her with my DS (planned CS, no issues). Im sure that that hour is golden for a lot of people but its not the be all and end all of bonding, it sounds like you didnt chose to be in the position you were in, its important to forgive yourself and understand the situation you were in, be kind to yourself and if you feel its causing you to feel low or concerned, please look into talking to a professional to help you understand what you went through and process it properly💐

This golden hour nonsense sounds like shite to me.

I too was completely mashed both times and honestly, how important can it be compared to the next ~20 years of care?

Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint!

Such a good point.
OP if you feel disappointed; just feel those feelings - maybe seek some therapy so you can talk about them openly. We all have expectations and everything is relative. I'm sure you're an absolutely amazing mum and goes to show how much you love your baby to be feeling these feels. Hugs x