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Original poster

I feel a bit shit about giving birth now - I missed the 'golden hour'

251 replies

Silverlog · 15/03/2023 18:58

I've just been reading in the news about how important the golden hour is for your newborn. To have it laid on your chest skin-to-skin for the first hour. I was absolutely pie-faced on drugs giving birth and I was hallucinating too. It took me 3 days to come down to earth again afterwards, I was zombied-out. I'm actually really unhappy about the amount of drugs I was given. (The reason was that nothing gave pain-relief, all 8 epidurals were like water, no effect). I was given a lot of different stuff.

Having given birth, baby was wrapped up, shown to me & handed to dad, where she stayed whilst I was stitched. Very soon I was fast asleep after a 3 day labour.

I know it doesn't matter now as she's grown, but how I wish it'd been different.

OP posts:
areweonabreak · 15/03/2023 21:01

I had twins at 33 weeks, I was shown their faces for seconds before they were whisked off to NICU. They’re nearly 4 now and I still occasionally feel sad about it. I didn’t see them for another 7 hours due to my c section and even then it was only for a very limited time.

but they are fab, healthy, we have a great bond but they are also fiercely independent

I think very few people have the “perfect” birth but I understand why it would make you a little sad. We (women, the media) need to stop repeating this so called golden hour, it does no one any good

grumpycow1 · 15/03/2023 21:03

With my first I lost 2 litres of blood just after giving birth and they took baby for antibiotics straight away so he wasn’t even held (though his dad was with him). Would you say to me that I should feel guilt? I very much doubt you would, so please be kind to yourself also, it’s not your fault. My son is a happy little boy now over 5 years later. He’s had no shortage of cuddles and love and that’s the main thing.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 15/03/2023 21:04

Meh. Sounds like another stick to beat vulnerable women with. Fuck that.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Antenatal & postnatal Families General health
Tumbleweed101 · 15/03/2023 21:04

I had pretty nice homebirths with all mine but although I got skin to skin and a quick breast feed in it wasn't anywhere near an hour because my placentas like to take their time and the midwives were getting twitchy for me to get it delivered. There is nothing perfect about that first couple hours, even in a straightforward birth. The best bit is when you are both cleaned up and can finally snuggle with all the birthing stuff over with, however long that might be in each case.

Choconut · 15/03/2023 21:05

It's all a blur to me - and I only had gas and air! I remember having what seemed like an alien on my chest, being stitched up and having a bath but I have no idea what order it happened it or how long any of it lasted.

Don;t worry, once you have a teenager the last thing you'll be worrying about is whether you missed golden hour!

spuddel · 15/03/2023 21:07

I was handed a newborn ds after a 48 hour labour, gas, birthing pool, pethidine, epidural, ventouse and stitches. I was so weak I begged nurses to take him off me as I felt he would roll away. They insisted I could manage Hmm. Dh had to hold him on to my breast. The first intro to mum guilt.

HectorGloop · 15/03/2023 21:08

My DH has a photo of me holding our DD just after she was born. I look like I’m tired but happy, got a big smile on my face. Truth is, I’m off my box on pethidene. I don’t remember the photo being taken and I could have been holding a sack of potatoes for all I knew. And I didn’t even get that with DS due to a whopping PPH. DH did most of the skin to skin with both of them to begin with, while I recovered.

I did feel guilty that I hadn’t “been there” for them like I felt I should but it’s made zero difference in reality.

onemorerose · 15/03/2023 21:10

In a perfect world with perfect labours and perfect midwives and perfect babies and perfect mothers then yes, I think the golden hour would be just, well perfect.

I was brought to theatre off my head on drugs when my daughter was born, my second was so quick I can barely remember, despite being drug free. I feel like I won the lottery both times.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 15/03/2023 21:10

I get it. DS was whisked away to SCBU while I was, eventually, taken to theatre after the midwife stitched me up, stood back, looked at what she'd done, then took all the stitches back out and called a surgeon (I am incredibly grateful she realised it was beyond her skill to stitch btw, not so much to the midwife who performed the episiotomy while commenting how difficult it was because the scissors were really blunt).

I didn't get to see DS until the next day - after coming up to 10 years I still want to say his birthday is a day later than it is - so didn't get that golden hour and also didn't get any halo effect to help forget how bloody awful and painful the whole induction/labour/birth was.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 15/03/2023 21:11

Sounds like claptrap.

I was in surgery for the first 4 hours of dc’s life. They are perfectly well adjusted.

fairgame84 · 15/03/2023 21:11

I knew about the golden hour and crawl to the breast and all that malarkey because I'm a nicu nurse. I had a straight forward birth last year and didn't get the golden hour. The midwife put DD skin to skin then 20 minutes later took her off me to weigh and examine her. It didn't bother me, at the end of the day she's got a job to do and other women to look after as well. It didn't affect bonding or breastfeeding but the tongue tie that got missed for 3 weeks did.
Honestly there's so much stuff your 'supposed' to do but 9 times out of 10 it doesn't work like that. Same for delayed cord clamping, another thing you're now 'supposed' to do but doesn't always happen.

katepilar · 15/03/2023 21:12

I hear you, OP. Its a difficult feeling realising you could have done something better for your child, especially at this special time around birth. Its ok to feel sad or shit about it. But its also ok to be kind to yourself. You didnt know what you know now and you did the best what you could at the time. It doesnt make you any less of a mother that you didnt manage to give your child the golden hour.

katepilar · 15/03/2023 21:12

PS. In ideal world the midwives and doctors would know better and guide mothers about bonding but they dont and its not your fault that they dont. Also in ideal world they would understand the birthing process better which would allow more mothers to have a birth that would naturally allow for good bonding instead of all the medical interventions.

Crayfishforyou · 15/03/2023 21:16

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 15/03/2023 21:04

Meh. Sounds like another stick to beat vulnerable women with. Fuck that.

Yep.
I had to go for surgery right after giving birth. I panicked on the way in to anaesthesia because i couldn’t remember what she looked like

ThatsAboutEnoughOfThat · 15/03/2023 21:19

Let it go.

No "golden hour" here.

DS1 has just brought me a cup of coffee in bed before heading off to Uni for the day with a Love You Mum.

DS2 was already out the door for high school.

I was having a lazy morning before WFH. They are both the most magnificent young men.

Kind, outgoing, clever. Honestly if you knew how many things I/We had "fucked up" parenting wise over the years you would assume they should be a couple of psychopaths.

Just do the best you can, it will be more than enough.

user3193 · 15/03/2023 21:22

I had never heard of the golden hour until a few days ago...but I do agree OP. My little boy was whisked away to paediatric care as he wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated.

Proudofitbabe · 15/03/2023 21:23

Missed mine both times too!

Took forever to stitch me up down below the first time, and to stitch my stomach the second time, while babies slept wrapped up in cots. Shame I hadn't heard of the "golden hour" as I'd have known to try and push for it. Oh well. Kids seem fine. Don't worry.

ClaireStandishsLipstick · 15/03/2023 21:24

I specifically asked the midwife to clean them and wrap them up before handing them to me. I didn’t want a baby covered in goop put on me. I have a loving relationship with my children, they’re adults now and still give the best hugs. I’d do the same again.

katepilar · 15/03/2023 21:24

BanoffeeBoat · 15/03/2023 20:58

I haven't read the DM article, but I have read the Cochrane review of evidence around skin-to-skin at birth. It found that women who had early skin-to-skin contact with their babies were more likely to breastfeed, and breastfed on average for 60 days longer than those who didn't. The review looked at the timing and duration of skin-to-skin and found that it was of unclear significance whether skin-to-skin occurred immediately at birth or at some later point within the first 24 hours, and whether it lasted for more or less than an hour. It concludes that early skin-to-skin should be recommended as standard because it seems like there may be some small benefits, and there's no risk of harm. Which essentially boils down to "It's nice to cuddle your baby, maybe it'll help with the breastfeeding, and there's no harm in trying, so why not give it a go?" It certainly doesn't support the idea that some kind of magical 'Golden Hour' immediately post-birth has any significant impact on the baby's long-term wellbeing.

Studies or not (I never felt the need to actually search for them) I believe that how you feel in the world right after birth does have an impact on how you feel in the world in your whole life. Theres obviously more factors that shape your life experience but this is a one of the significant ones. I guess it will be mentioned in the film called In Utero that looks into how the life in our mother's womb shapes how we perceive the world.

katepilar · 15/03/2023 21:31

It makes me sad to read all the birth experiences so many of you had.

Sending hugs to all who could have done with a better experience.

Raffington55 · 15/03/2023 21:34

Silverlog · 15/03/2023 18:58

I've just been reading in the news about how important the golden hour is for your newborn. To have it laid on your chest skin-to-skin for the first hour. I was absolutely pie-faced on drugs giving birth and I was hallucinating too. It took me 3 days to come down to earth again afterwards, I was zombied-out. I'm actually really unhappy about the amount of drugs I was given. (The reason was that nothing gave pain-relief, all 8 epidurals were like water, no effect). I was given a lot of different stuff.

Having given birth, baby was wrapped up, shown to me & handed to dad, where she stayed whilst I was stitched. Very soon I was fast asleep after a 3 day labour.

I know it doesn't matter now as she's grown, but how I wish it'd been different.

You are being very hard on yourself. You had a baby and needed drugs. You're not superhuman. It's the outside narrative shite that you read and see on social media that is making you compare yourself to others. I've never heard of the golden hour. After likely vomiting and shitting yourself through lengthy, horrendous childbirth it sounds like you got the golden hour: a much deserved rest while your baby was handed over to your partner x It's fine, and more than enough

Raffington55 · 15/03/2023 21:36

I mean you DID more than enough and deserved your own golden hour - rest

Duttercup · 15/03/2023 21:37

Another whose baby spent much of the first hour being resuscitated.

She's two now and seems to like me just fine.

Lockheart · 15/03/2023 21:37

This just sounds like more bollocks along the lines of the fourth trimester - i.e. some woo bullshit designed to make women feel bad and keep them in their place.

The child has been growing inside you for 9 months, it's literally the closest you'll ever be. It's all downhill from birth in that respect. The baby will survive being held by dad for a bit.

YouJustDoYou · 15/03/2023 21:41

Emergency c-sec here. Didn't wake up for hours. Never bonded for almost 3 years.

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