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Original poster

It's a MIL one - I'm not wrong, but I don't want to fall out with her (turned out to be a long thread, sorry)

114 replies

MILdoesntlikethisverymuch · 13/03/2023 10:47

Well, she's not MIL yet, but she will be.

She's a lovely woman, really lovely, she makes a massive effort with me and my kids and I make an effort with her, no real problems at all - until now.

She can be pretty old fashioned in her views about some things, she has 4 sons, and 3 grandsons, and isn't a feminist on any level, unlike me.

I have 4 daughters, who she adores, and would do anything for (she's their granny in every sense but biological) but she sometimes doesn't understand my need to do things for their sake.

For example I tell my dds that they don't have to confirm to societal beauty standards (this is something I had to work on myself when I had my girls) dd didn't want to shave her legs when going for a family day out at the beach, I was going to do mine but thought it would be hypocritical of me if I said it was absolutely fine then went and shaved mine specifically to go, so I didn't. MIL pulled me to the side and commented that I had forgotten and that she would watch my girls while I nipped back to do it if I wanted, and she didn't get it when I explained why I didn't want to.

There are lots of small instances like that, which are never done maliciously, but it just demonstrates where her head is at.

Again - I love her, she loves me and my dds, I'm not insulting her or saying anything mean about her but I want to navigate this problem (which I'm getting to, I promise) without any drama.

So, now the problem.

Her son and I are getting married this year. Not a huge wedding or a big deal at all, we are just fucking off and doing it.

She bought us a present that said "the smiths" (not real name) on it, however, dp is changing his name to mine.

When I was a child my mother got married to an abuser and changed my name to his, then I got married when I was a teen to a guy who abused me and I changed my name then too.

Some years ago I changed my name back to the one on my birth certificate and it feels totally me, and I just don't want to change my name again for a guy.

Dp absolutely understands this and is happy to change his name to mine (he wants to, i was happy with both keeping our names).

We told MIL when she gave us the gift (which was really thoughtful of her) and she didn't like it at all.

She doesn't want her son to have a different last name to her, she has sort of taken it as a personal insult, and she feels that, although she's really trying to get in board with feminism, this is a step too far.

I'm really worried that this is going to drive a wedge between us. Dp would absolutely deal with this, but I want to try and smooth things over a bit and maintain the lovely relationship we have as well.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Wimpeyspread · 13/03/2023 10:56

Why do either of you need to change your names?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 13/03/2023 10:58

Sorry but you lost me at shaving your legs

TimeForMeToF1y · 13/03/2023 11:00

Wimpeyspread · 13/03/2023 10:56

Why do either of you need to change your names?

They don't need to obviously but as he wants to why not?

I don't have an answer as without knowing the mil to be I can't guess how she will react to any suggestions but good luck, it's a tricky start to the marriage

ClaraBourne · 13/03/2023 11:01

It's nothing to do with her and if your DP wants to do it it's his decision. Tell her to take it up with him with a smile, no big deal snd keys not make it one.

Does she know your history?

PeekAtYou · 13/03/2023 11:01

Not sure I understand about the leg shaving. Surely the feminist way would be to do what you want and not judge women who choose the other way. So you shave because you want to and your dd doesn't shave because that's her preference.
Your h should talk to his mum about the name change. It's an unusual choice so not unreasonable that she's surprised. I'm not saying that it's an unreasonable choice btw- I understanding wanting the same name as the other people in the family (or not if that's what people prefer)

ChickenAndHamPie · 13/03/2023 11:02

I think it's between your partner and his mam. I'd just stay out of it and say, if asked, that you are keeping your own name. What your partner does is up to him and she needs to speak to him about it as it's not your decision and just keep repeating this calmly.
With you on leg shaving too. Who has time for that faff

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 13/03/2023 11:03

There is nothing here that needs to mean you won't get on. She old fashioned in her views, as my mil is, just laugh and move on to the next subject.

Jamieleecurtain · 13/03/2023 11:06

If she talks to you about it you can just shrug and say you are keeping your name and DP can do whatever he likes so she can speak to him about it.

Jamieleecurtain · 13/03/2023 11:07

Wimpeyspread · 13/03/2023 10:56

Why do either of you need to change your names?

She clearly says that DP wants to change his. His name his choice.

WandaWonder · 13/03/2023 11:08

It should be up to individuals if they shave or not or do anything with their own bodies

With the name thing it is what it is it doesn't need to be an issue just tell her to talk to him

mrsfennel · 13/03/2023 11:11

It sounds like you are both lovely sensible people and have a good relationship.

I wouldn't get into a discussion or focus on the name thing, or any other thing really. You can explain things briefly of course, but as time goes on im sure she will accept whatever you decide to do.

Mrsjayy · 13/03/2023 11:13

I don't understand the leg shaving thing your Dd didn't want to but you did this isn't sending mixed messages like you think it's about choice. Anyway your Mil seems pleasant enough with different opinions she will never agree with you on the name change so you and future husband will need to accept that and move on.

3luckystars · 13/03/2023 11:14

You think too much. Do or don’t do whatever you want and fuck everyone else.

All the best.

Original poster
MILdoesntlikethisverymuch · 13/03/2023 11:15

Wimpeyspread · 13/03/2023 10:56

Why do either of you need to change your names?

He wants us to have the same surname and I'm not changing mine, so he's decided to change his.

The shaving legs thing was basically me telling dd (13) that it's absolutely fine to not do it, and then not doing mine in solidarity as she was unsure. MIL didn't understand that I was leading by example and thought it was a bit embarrassing I hadn't done it. There have been a few examples of similar things she thinks women 'should' do, that my dds and I don't, this was just one.

She really has been so lovely to me and my girls I'm really worried this will be a bit of a wedge between us.

She doesn't know my whole history, she knew I was married years ago and that I changed my name to my exes, so she doesn't get why I'm not doing it this time around, I think she thinks I feel her son is inferior to my ex and not worth me changing my name for, which is far from the case, it's about me, not him.

He has told her, but I just want to have the conversation myself as well, I respect her, I want her to accept this and not be annoyed about it.

OP posts:
Icecreamandapplepie · 13/03/2023 11:15

She has feelings about it, that's fine.

It's happening though, amd she can't change it.

End of story.

MrsCarson · 13/03/2023 11:16

Unless you had actually told her that your Dp was going to change his name to yours, then she would have had no idea that you wouldn't be "the smiths" So it makes it an innocent mistake. She got a bit upset that she'd wasted a gift and was a bit upset he wasn't going by what most people do/or did. So what, she sounds fine just a bit old fashioned, ie, appropriately acting her age.

Original poster
MILdoesntlikethisverymuch · 13/03/2023 11:17

3luckystars · 13/03/2023 11:14

You think too much. Do or don’t do whatever you want and fuck everyone else.

All the best.

🤣🤣 this is truer than I care to admit.

I'm overthinking so much because I really do love her and I love the relationship we have and this is the first time she's ever been mad about something to do with me.

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 13/03/2023 11:20

As a feminist I'm sure you can understand that she doesn't have to agree with every decision you (or her son) makes. You are allowed to do things she doesn't like and vice versa. The legs thing is bonkers by the way.

xJoy · 13/03/2023 11:22

You're reacting from a place of fear of being over ruled, still. She is nice but I think you still deep down fear that people male or female can make you do something you don't want to do.

But your functioning adult know this isn't true. Don't letter the inner formerly manipulated child steer the bus here.

You decide what your name is and your mil can write Mrs Smith on a label and that doesn't legally change yr name.

I get where you're coming from though as I was coerced a lot as a young child so I over react to mere opinions, as though mere opinions had power over me. They Dont.

I decide. So my inner child trusts me not be coerced in to doing things now. Inner child trusts me not to betray her just to people please.

But let the pendulum settle. Don't people please obviously, ✅ tick, you got that one, but also, don't defend when it's not necessary.

If you need to legally defend yourself, do so, of course. Xx

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/03/2023 11:23

Don't have the conversation. If you respect her you'll respect that she's annoyed and doesn't want to accept it. My DMIL isn't thrilled I didn't change my name. I just try avoid the discussion. Her reasons are in my mind stupid and same visa Versa. I love and respect her so I respect that on this point we won't reach consensus and we don't need to.

Snowjokes · 13/03/2023 11:25

I think perhaps you need to get comfortable with the idea that good relationships can include disagreements and arguments! As long as there is fundamental respect between you, that’s the important bit.

Having said that, does she know that your current surname is one you chose for yourself? As opposed to him changing to essentially your ex’s name.

I like that you didn’t shave in solidarity. “You can choose whatever you want” rings a bit hollow if you essentially follow it up with “but I and the majority of society would never do that”. Sometimes we have to go out of our way to do things for our kids.

Original poster
MILdoesntlikethisverymuch · 13/03/2023 11:26

I know the leg thing is bonkers.

I struggle with being a role model and what's normal wrt parenting.

I had a really abusive childhood then straight into an abusive marriage where I had my daughters in quick succession.

I've been on my own for a decade (nc with my family) until dp came along and I've had to be their everything with absolutely no clue what normal parenting is at all. I over think everything, probably do too much, try and be a good example and be supportive, and all the while I know I'm messing up on a daily basis and stressing about that.

I made them all do the freedom programme at the age of 12 as well, which I've been absolutely slated for irl.

I think this is why I'm so stressed about MIL, she's the nearest thing I've had to a mum, and I feel sick at the thought of her being upset with me.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 13/03/2023 11:26

You're inventing problems. Your mil is a nice person with some hilariously outdated views. Nod and smile!

MorrisZapp · 13/03/2023 11:27

Also mil has absolutely no need to know any of your past, or why you make certain choices. Live as you please, and let her gasp over a cuppa with her pals.

Lavender14 · 13/03/2023 11:28

If you genuinely have a good relationship with her and you want to be honest and open with her about your past then I think fair enough. It might help her understand where you're coming from and I think starting off from a place of - you seemed surprised by the conversation the other day about names and I just wanted to explain why we came to that decision because I would hate for you to feel like I didn't see it like I was joining your family because I really appreciate how close we've become. Then explain in whatever way you feel is best.

The only thing I would say is be prepared that if you open up to her about that trauma, she may still not understand so you need to be sure that won't upset you or make you feel differently about her. You could also explain that you want your dds to grow up in a world where they feel free and strong and do things for themselves not for the approval of men so they feel stronger in themselves than you did at their age.

I imagine she will have her own worries as a mother that she's losing her son or that you don't value the relationship with her as much as she values it with you or that you won't see it as you joining her family and being one big family that have been triggered and I think that is understandable too. I think that's more likely than her thinking you think your partner is inferior to your ex.