It's a MIL one - I'm not wrong, but I don't want to fall out with her (turned out to be a long thread, sorry)

[MILdoesntlikethisverymuch]

Well, she's not MIL yet, but she will be.

She's a lovely woman, really lovely, she makes a massive effort with me and my kids and I make an effort with her, no real problems at all - until now.

She can be pretty old fashioned in her views about some things, she has 4 sons, and 3 grandsons, and isn't a feminist on any level, unlike me.

I have 4 daughters, who she adores, and would do anything for (she's their granny in every sense but biological) but she sometimes doesn't understand my need to do things for their sake.

For example I tell my dds that they don't have to confirm to societal beauty standards (this is something I had to work on myself when I had my girls) dd didn't want to shave her legs when going for a family day out at the beach, I was going to do mine but thought it would be hypocritical of me if I said it was absolutely fine then went and shaved mine specifically to go, so I didn't. MIL pulled me to the side and commented that I had forgotten and that she would watch my girls while I nipped back to do it if I wanted, and she didn't get it when I explained why I didn't want to.

There are lots of small instances like that, which are never done maliciously, but it just demonstrates where her head is at.

Again - I love her, she loves me and my dds, I'm not insulting her or saying anything mean about her but I want to navigate this problem (which I'm getting to, I promise) without any drama.

So, now the problem.

Her son and I are getting married this year. Not a huge wedding or a big deal at all, we are just fucking off and doing it.

She bought us a present that said "the smiths" (not real name) on it, however, dp is changing his name to mine.

When I was a child my mother got married to an abuser and changed my name to his, then I got married when I was a teen to a guy who abused me and I changed my name then too.

Some years ago I changed my name back to the one on my birth certificate and it feels totally me, and I just don't want to change my name again for a guy.

Dp absolutely understands this and is happy to change his name to mine (he wants to, i was happy with both keeping our names).

We told MIL when she gave us the gift (which was really thoughtful of her) and she didn't like it at all.

She doesn't want her son to have a different last name to her, she has sort of taken it as a personal insult, and she feels that, although she's really trying to get in board with feminism, this is a step too far.

I'm really worried that this is going to drive a wedge between us. Dp would absolutely deal with this, but I want to try and smooth things over a bit and maintain the lovely relationship we have as well.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Honestly, the only thing for you to do here is to get yourself to where you can let her feel how she feels.

She asked if you wanted to shave. "No thanks MIL, I'm fine", end of story. She thought you would be The Smiths, actually you'll be The OPNames. That's the facts, and she will feel how she feels about it, you don't need to care, you don't need to explain, and all trying to convince her to agree with you will do is falsely give her the impression she gets a vote. And more importantly, you don't control her feelings. There is no magical world where she doesn't Have Views about this, and that's OK. My own mother and MIL have a lot of Views about how I lead my life and parent. Sucks for them, I'm in charge.

Leave this specific conversation with your MIL alone and have one with a therapist instead. You still have a lot to unpick from your own history and could use some support.

@youmustbemad I'm the same, it makes me uncomfortable because of the messages I got growing up about women having to be a certain way.

Our kids won't learn if we don't show them first hand.

I couldn't, in all good conscience, tell my dds they don't have to conform to what magazines and advertisers want us to be, while then conforming myself. I don't just want empty words, my girls deserve a role model, unfortunately they are stuck with me, so I'll just do my best when I can, and hope they remain the confident, self assured people they are growing to be already.

I think your Dp should talk to her.

And the fact she has welcomed your four children with open arms is fab because from what I read on here let’s just say she’s as rare as hens teeth

TBH I wouldn’t want to risk that either!!

And it’s good to explain because she might think you are a mad feminist 🤣🤣 (there’s a few on MN) and not understand the reasons behind this

good luck with the wedding

will you and dp be trying for a baby?

Leave this specific conversation with your MIL alone and have one with a therapist instead. You still have a lot to unpick from your own history and could use some support.

I tried, some years back, it just wasn't for me, continually talking about all my trauma, discussing it at length, and then not really having a solution, or something that will magically take it all away made me feel worse, rather than better.

I'm OK for the most part now, I just struggle a bit with some aspects of 'normal' behaviour, and usually end up over thinking, but I can't imagine therapy would help with that at this point in my life.

I think probably all it is, is that if you have daughters you kind of assume that at some point they may well not share your name, and that grandchildren will have a different surname. You have time to get used to this. Whereas if you have a son you assume he will always share your name and so will his children (traditionally of course, I know this is changing).

She is probably just a bit surprised and taken aback and it will take a bit of time to get used to. She may also have been looking forward to sharing her last name with you too.

It may also be worth reassuring her because whereas it is the default with women to change their names on marriage, this may feel a little bit more like an active rejection of the family name.

He is also going to have a different surname to his brothers and their children so it may feel like a big deal to her.

Maybe reassure her that it is no way a rejection of her or their family and that it is for historical reasons related to before you met her and your DP.

Why the fuck should she?

will you and dp be trying for a baby?

No, it would have been nice but I wouldn't want my girls feeling displaced or unsure or left out or anything like that.

Dp and I are really happy, him and MIL have taken my girls on like their own, I feel like we do fine without having that extra layer of commitment between us.

It would also be in the back of my mind about becoming a single parent again, those early years with my daughters were lonely and tough, I had 4 under 5 on my own, and I really don't know how I made it through sometimes. I wouldn't want to ever be back in that place again.

We are going to get a rescue dog though 🤣

FatimaHatima · Today 13:43
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · Today 11:28
And shave yer legs !
Why the fuck should she?

Because I said so

Just go the way you’re going but I would say I do understand the name thing just because a relative of mine recently got a phone call to say someone in her family had died so now it turns out she’s the last of that name now. So at this age we don’t see it but when you’re older and want it to keep going then I do get it. But op you’ve both decided and I think your reasoning is lovely and that you’re lovely too. All the best with it all and cut yourself some slack

Well then I guess you need to go fuck yourself....

I can't do that because I am only one person. Please feel free to indicate how I implement this. I have shaved my legs in anticipation

Sorry, meant you shouldn't do it to appease her! Wish there was an edit button.

1. Why are YOU explaining your DP's decisions to HIS mother?

He needs to do that himself. Or you can do it together.

My understanding is you can use whatever name you like as long as no intention to defraud.
I use my name on all personal stuff.
But I use married name in connection with family stuff. Rather they use it!
Doesn't bother me if cards/invitations are addressed to Mr & Mrs Whatever.

But I come from a culture that doesn't use Christian names & surnames in same way. Everyone has their name & a family name based on father's name. Simple to me, but can seem complicated to others! Bit like Iceland where your surname is Fred'sson or Fred'sdaughter

1. Why not just use his name or double barrel with his name in any communication with his family? It's important to you to be same name as your children so you can understand why is equally important to MIL.

How will you feel when your children want to partner up & change names?

As to MIL being upset - well if she can't understand why you want to be same name as YOUR daughters then
her acceptance & affection is not unconditional. People disagree about stuff all the time but still love each other.

Hopefully you can all come to an acceptable understanding.
Good luck!

@pengymum surely it's completely different to want to have the same last name as your children while they live with you, and wanting to have the same name as your adult child who has their own family now?

Adult children can do what they like with their names, I don't understand why the MIL is upset about this. Did she change her name when she got married? Was she worried about upsetting her parents and not having the same name as them any more? It's nonsense.

Leave DP to deal with it. Just act like there's no problem when you're around her. Because there isn't, between you and DP at least. This is a "cutting the apron strings" moment between them, you need to stay out of it.

She'd be totally fine for a daughter to change their name so it really should make no difference to her. She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to agree. She does need to learn to live with it.

Hopefully she'll eventually realise changing his name to yours is not something that makes her son any less of a man or any less her son. She's "willy waving" basically, a loud shout that "he's mine" and she's in charge. She should have realised long ago, but as she hasn't, marriage is the time for her to finally realise she isn't in charge any more, you and DP are a team and he's closer to you now than to her. Otherwise she'll be interfering with your parenting decisions if you have DC together.

I cant get past the she's nice but she told you to nip back and shave your legs. I can't imagine any world where my MIL would comment on my shaving choices. Surely this is not a "nice" thing to do? Assuming you aren't partially sighted she would have known you chose not to shave them but has tried to control you anyway.
I would let my DH deal with the name thing he needs to talk to her not you and say that's what he chose and nothing you have pushed him into.

We are going to get a rescue dog though

Perhaps that can be given the surname that your partner will be giving up?

OP you sound like a fantastic mum and such a good role model to your daughters.

I know you feel sad at the thought of MIL disagreeing with you here, but it’s really not your argument to have. If she genuinely has a problem with her son changing his name then she needs to bring that up with him, not you. If she brings it up directly with you, just say that you had to fight hard to change your and your daughter’s names after their father left so you don’t want to put them through another name change, and you of course want the same name as your daughters so won’t be changing yours either. Then I’d just say that DP has made his own decision about his name so she should discuss that with him. If she really is nice she won’t let this come between you, even if she doesn’t understand it.

You sound a fantastic mum and I agree with your approach to leg shaving.
Just tell her your weren’t changing your daughters names and your DH wanted to join you. I like your DH!
its crazy as her name wasn’t her name just one she had to take when married.
my MIL hates I kept my name and always dresses cards to mrs DH first and last name. Next time she does it I’m returning it to sender 😂

Now MIL is pissed off I've reverted back to being a 10yo who's stressing in case she doesn't love me anymore.

I haven't felt this way in a long time, I hate being back in this place, and I hate that I've probably done it to myself by over thinking as usual.

I know you said you didn't get on well with therapy OP, but please consider whether another therapist/type of therapy might help you work through this. You say she's the closest thing you have to a mum which is lovely but is also now a source of stress for you as you're potentially back in the place of behaving to avoid "losing" her and self-regulating to prevent a negative reaction. You're changing a lot and becoming a "nuclear family" which is what you didn't have, sitting with the emotions around that is going to be difficult without someone helping your recognise the patterns in your behaviour and get comfortable with the healthy discomfort.

The advice to sit and have a conversation with her is good, I'll maybe just bring it up once, have a chat about it being her sons decision, maybe apologise for not telling her beforehand (I wasn't expecting a gift or I would have said sooner) and then leave it there and hope she comes around.
See here - this course of action - is very much about appeasing, apologising, trying to get her back on side, which would make you (inner child) feel better. That's what's making you judge it as a good course of action rather than any objective view.

In reality if someone had posted an AIBU saying - I'm absolutely raging my son is taking his fiancée's surname when they marry, AIBU to be annoyed at her? She'd have her arse handed to her and then some. Plenty of people would be extremely annoyed at MIL's attitude in your shoes. That your reaction is to desperately smooth things over to avoid the conflict speaks of a lot still to think about.

I wish you the best with it all.

OP why can't you double barrel your name? You will still have half of that name the same as your childrens.

She doesn't want to. She doesn't need any other reason than that.

Same / I've done similar with my dd.

I would just give her time to come round to your way of thinking.
A friends DS took his wife’s name - I was initially quite shocked as I’d not heard of it before but the DS was happy with it so why the heck should I make a comment. Now I’m used to the idea it seems fine. Just took a bit of time.

Why?!?!