It's a MIL one - I'm not wrong, but I don't want to fall out with her (turned out to be a long thread, sorry)

[MILdoesntlikethisverymuch]

Well, she's not MIL yet, but she will be.

She's a lovely woman, really lovely, she makes a massive effort with me and my kids and I make an effort with her, no real problems at all - until now.

She can be pretty old fashioned in her views about some things, she has 4 sons, and 3 grandsons, and isn't a feminist on any level, unlike me.

I have 4 daughters, who she adores, and would do anything for (she's their granny in every sense but biological) but she sometimes doesn't understand my need to do things for their sake.

For example I tell my dds that they don't have to confirm to societal beauty standards (this is something I had to work on myself when I had my girls) dd didn't want to shave her legs when going for a family day out at the beach, I was going to do mine but thought it would be hypocritical of me if I said it was absolutely fine then went and shaved mine specifically to go, so I didn't. MIL pulled me to the side and commented that I had forgotten and that she would watch my girls while I nipped back to do it if I wanted, and she didn't get it when I explained why I didn't want to.

There are lots of small instances like that, which are never done maliciously, but it just demonstrates where her head is at.

Again - I love her, she loves me and my dds, I'm not insulting her or saying anything mean about her but I want to navigate this problem (which I'm getting to, I promise) without any drama.

So, now the problem.

Her son and I are getting married this year. Not a huge wedding or a big deal at all, we are just fucking off and doing it.

She bought us a present that said "the smiths" (not real name) on it, however, dp is changing his name to mine.

When I was a child my mother got married to an abuser and changed my name to his, then I got married when I was a teen to a guy who abused me and I changed my name then too.

Some years ago I changed my name back to the one on my birth certificate and it feels totally me, and I just don't want to change my name again for a guy.

Dp absolutely understands this and is happy to change his name to mine (he wants to, i was happy with both keeping our names).

We told MIL when she gave us the gift (which was really thoughtful of her) and she didn't like it at all.

She doesn't want her son to have a different last name to her, she has sort of taken it as a personal insult, and she feels that, although she's really trying to get in board with feminism, this is a step too far.

I'm really worried that this is going to drive a wedge between us. Dp would absolutely deal with this, but I want to try and smooth things over a bit and maintain the lovely relationship we have as well.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Why is it "wrong to have your DH change his name to yours"??
Why is your focus on the actions of the OP "hurting people"? Isn't it her DH-to-be who is doing the hurting here? OP isn't doing anything other than simply stating she won't be changing her surname.

If you read OP's posts, it's clear she got rid of the abusers surname and has reverted a long time ago to her birth surname - which was not the surname of an abuser.

Try reading the OP’s posts @SchoolTripDrama - she’s really clear why she has the name she does. Also a bit hypocritical with your later comments- her name is about her, why should others take it upon themselves to be offended about something that has nothing to do with them.

@MILdoesntlikethisverymuch she sound like an amazing, present thoughtful mum. Hopefully your MIL to be an get past this and not ruin a good relationship o no good reason. I agree with PP to try not to let the inner child make you feel guilty or vulnerable.

Do the children all have your surname ? You don't have to explain anything to anyone, but if i were you i would say that this is the reason you are all taking your name.

@SchoolTripDrama

read the original post again, OP has already got rid of the abusive SP’s surname, and her DH has chosen this, she’s not making him do it.

Why is anyone suggesting the OP do anything other than what she planned to with the last names - her DP and her are the ones who will live with it and use it, not MIL, this is MILs issue to get over - that bit doesn't need a solution other than how to talk to MIL to make sure there's not bad blood!

If she’s lovely, as you say she is, then I would explain just what you’ve said here about your history (and your DDs history) with changing names, and that it’s important to you not to have to do that again. That you’d decided it well before her DS came along. Say it’s totally his choice to name change, but you can understand why it makes her feel upset. Tell her you get it, you love her so much and she is an amazing person - just like her son - and then don’t justify or discuss it any further. She’ll come around.

Dp decided to change his name, I was happy for him to be 'smith' and me to be 'jones'

My surname isn't my abusers name. It's actually my dad's name (never met him, my mother took us to a different country, and he died before I met him) I reclaimed it, and it's my name and my daughters also have it.

My name does suit me and my girls, I went through a lot to get where I am so I'm not keen to change for anyone.

I didn't know it would affect MIL, let alone hurt her feelings.

I fought hard to get their names changed to mine, so I don't want to either change us all again, or change mine to be different.

I think this is the main reason your DP should be emphasising, surely. 3 people changing their names and presumably going to court to do so, AGAIN, and them being children as well so telling schools, friends, etc etc. Vs 1 person who doesn't need that hassle. I think your own very personal reasons are (understandably) colouring this - your kids have already been through a name change, it's hard, it's a no brainer for your DP to simply change his. He should be the one telling her all this.

Do you know she's annoyed at you? What's she said/done?

I'm not sure that MIL is all that lovely.

I couldn't be doing with thinking that I have to keep explaining stuff to someone!

"Do you want to nip back & shave your legs?"

Wtaf?

I never mentioned it to MIL until she pulled me aside and pointed out I had forgotten, then I explained it was deliberate, and, when she questioned further, I explained why.

I don't think this is a really lovely person. If a woman told me I had forgotten to shave my legs I would think she was hideous.

Any woman that thinks she's entitled to monitor and pull up someone on this is not lovely.

She's gone out of her way to make you feel unacceptable in public. At best she's just thoughtless and empty headed, but really she's a bit nasty.

Oh I totally mis understood I'm.sorry, Mil noticed your hadn't shaved your legs and sent you off to do them 😉 .

Ahh OP you don’t need to justify any of your decisions. Your MIL just has some old fashioned views and the best thing to do is just to ignore them with some good humour if she questions you. Eventually she will just accept you as the “quirky one” when she describes you to her friends. I am you with a similar MIL but she’s just accepted me as being a bit weird (in her view) and I gave my DS my last name etc which caused some initial upset but it soon got forgotten.

You don’t need to change yourself at all to please other people. Just remember that and if your MIL has any sense she will appreciate the relationship she has with you and let these things drop.

Agree with absolutely it's about dps choice re names but found this a bit odd...
I made them all do the freedom programme at the age of 12 as well, which I've been absolutely slated for irl.

Have you been slated for them doing it, or the MAKING them do it? A bit of the opposite of the values of it, making someone do it!

This x 10000.

She's welcome to be upset about it. That's fine, but it's not up to you to fix it. You're doing nothing wrong and there's nothing for you to do.

When you talk to MIL about it, can you make it about the kids? That way you don't have to tell her about the abuse if you don't want to.

Just tell her that you don't want the kids to have to change their name again, and obviously you want to have the same surname as your children. (She'll obviously understand that, as she wants her son to keep the same name as her.) Explain that you're perfectly happy for DH to keep his surname, but at the end of the day that's his decision, and if he wants to change it then that's up to him.

She'll find it a lot more difficult to argue that her feelings are more important than your kids feelings.

There’s often conversation on MN about “a son’s a son etc” and how (understandably and rightly) a man should put his wife ahead of his mother. She will be fearful of the changes from that anyway, so her son choosing not to use his family surname is yet another blow to her and will add to any (understandable) anxiety she may have, however much she may love you.
You have daughters, so it’s maybe harder for you to understand her perspective. Ultimately it’s your choice, but is any compromise possible like double barrelling the names so his family name is still there?
It’s not easy being a MIL!

surely if you share your reasons for wanting to reclaim your own name MIL will understand why you won’t change it and understand why her son wants to share it with you?

I’d wait until your MIL raises the subject with you rather you going to speak to her.
Then I’d tell her what you’ve said here.
Your own experience with marriage and changing names isn’t good so you dint want to do that. You’d be happy with both if you keeping your own names.
Her ds has decided to change his name instead because it’s important to him to have the same name than you. It’s HIS decision and she needs to have a word with him if she thinks it’s an issue.
Dont make it your decision. It isn’t. It’s your DP’s decision.

And I’d leave it to him to talk to her. If you start managing, smoothing things down etc… you are acting as if you were the one responsible fir that name change. Which you are not. ( but it c9mes across in your posts that somehow you feel it’s your fault if there is a potential rift because you are not ready to do the ‘normal’ thing of changing your name to your DP’s name….)

If your MIL is as lovely as you say she is… I would let the shaving thing go. Ultimately your DD will do what they want and I can assure you they won’t listen to you.

the name thing is tricky. If it was me I would change my name when I got married but use my maiden name professionally. Or maybe double barrel it.
personally it wouldn’t really bother me whatsoever even with your background. If my mum was abusive and then my first husband abusive id want to get rid of both and start afresh.
Please don’t ruin your relationship with your MIL because you sound very lucky to have each other x

Ultimately it’s your choice, but is any compromise possible like double barrelling the names so his family name is still there?

I thought the OP had proposed that but it’s her DP that wants to change his name? The OP has never asked him to do that!

If this was me, I would explain my history to mil. And I would say that because you are forming a family unit with dp, he wants to have the same name as his wife and children.
Make sure dp has a conversation with her and reassured her that this isn't a slight to her or her family in any way.

I'll be honest, I'm completely supportive of women keeping their own names and strongly feel that children should have their mother's last names, but I would still be upset if my son changed his to match his wife's. It's not logical because I changed my own name on marriage, but I really want my kids to keep theirs.
Sometimes feelings aren't always logical or 'fair'. But I definitely would talk to her about all this since you are close. I think it would help her to not feel slighted.

Firstly not shaving but wanting to us t a life lesson the lesson there is 'I want to because I want to but you don't have to if you don't want to' etc. And I never really understand the 'I won't take my husbands name but I will keep 'my' name which is actually my fathers, fathers, fathers name 😂

You've had lots of good advice on the name thing and your feelings about conflict, but I just wanted to say I'm 100% with you on the shaving. My 9 yo son recently made some passing remark about women not really having body hair and I realised that if I want him and my daughter to think it's normal for women to have body hair then I'll have to make sure they see body hair on women sometimes. And the only way I can do that is by growing mine, ideally while they are still little enough to think I'm perfect! So I've done it. People harp on about it being personal preference, but it's a personal preference that's heavily socialised, and you stand very little chance of thinking it's fine for women to have body hair, and hence preferring to leave yours alone, if you never see it. So well done you.
In growing mine out, I've realised that I quite like my underarm hair long but feel v uncomfortable about having long leg hair and I think that's maybe related to my mum having underarm hair when I was little but always shaving her legs (or maybe having blonde leg hair, I must ask her! In any case I don't remember her having hairy legs).

I don't view my original last name as my fathers name - it's mine because I had it at birth. My father was also given his name and so what?
I get feeling unhappy about it if your dad was absent through his own choice or an arsehole generally, but lots of us have lovely dads and are happy to have the name associated with him.

Thank you all.

I'm a bit apprehensive about sharing my past with MIL, dp knows some of it, but I really don't want to be looked at like a victim, or be pitied at all.

When I met them they saw a strong, independent, single mum, working, studying for a degree, and not taking any shit. I really like the version of me they see.

I think I will go down the route of explaining about my daughters and not wanting them to either change their names or be different from me.

You're right that I can't really see it from the side of having a son, as I don't, so I don't know how I would feel, I think I would be fine, but I'm very focused on bringing my girls up to be totally different to me so I really do care about their perception of things too.

I think I'll get dp to chat to her, see what the outcome of that is first, then have the chat above if need be.

I'm not going to be double barrelling my name or changing it in any way, I'm absolutely happy with my name (which isn't just my real dad's name, but has a huge cultural significance, so not 'just' another man's name, its very deep routed in my family history).

Have you been slated for them doing it, or the MAKING them do it? A bit of the opposite of the values of it, making someone do it!

When I say I made them do the freedom programme, I offered them the choice, and explained it to them, they have all chosen to do it, but when they have mentioned it irl I've been told it's too grown up, it's for abused women and I shouldn't expose them to that (it's essentially reading about problematic behaviour and red flags so not really something hideous to be 'exposed' to imo) and, tbh, I've seen them reap the benefits in various ways so far in their personal relationships.

Thank you to the posters who have said I seem like a good mum, I must admit it made me a bit teary, I hear it from the kids, but never from anyone else, and I feel like I'm failing so much that it's really lovely to read that 💐