It's a MIL one - I'm not wrong, but I don't want to fall out with her (turned out to be a long thread, sorry)

[MILdoesntlikethisverymuch]

Well, she's not MIL yet, but she will be.

She's a lovely woman, really lovely, she makes a massive effort with me and my kids and I make an effort with her, no real problems at all - until now.

She can be pretty old fashioned in her views about some things, she has 4 sons, and 3 grandsons, and isn't a feminist on any level, unlike me.

I have 4 daughters, who she adores, and would do anything for (she's their granny in every sense but biological) but she sometimes doesn't understand my need to do things for their sake.

For example I tell my dds that they don't have to confirm to societal beauty standards (this is something I had to work on myself when I had my girls) dd didn't want to shave her legs when going for a family day out at the beach, I was going to do mine but thought it would be hypocritical of me if I said it was absolutely fine then went and shaved mine specifically to go, so I didn't. MIL pulled me to the side and commented that I had forgotten and that she would watch my girls while I nipped back to do it if I wanted, and she didn't get it when I explained why I didn't want to.

There are lots of small instances like that, which are never done maliciously, but it just demonstrates where her head is at.

Again - I love her, she loves me and my dds, I'm not insulting her or saying anything mean about her but I want to navigate this problem (which I'm getting to, I promise) without any drama.

So, now the problem.

Her son and I are getting married this year. Not a huge wedding or a big deal at all, we are just fucking off and doing it.

She bought us a present that said "the smiths" (not real name) on it, however, dp is changing his name to mine.

When I was a child my mother got married to an abuser and changed my name to his, then I got married when I was a teen to a guy who abused me and I changed my name then too.

Some years ago I changed my name back to the one on my birth certificate and it feels totally me, and I just don't want to change my name again for a guy.

Dp absolutely understands this and is happy to change his name to mine (he wants to, i was happy with both keeping our names).

We told MIL when she gave us the gift (which was really thoughtful of her) and she didn't like it at all.

She doesn't want her son to have a different last name to her, she has sort of taken it as a personal insult, and she feels that, although she's really trying to get in board with feminism, this is a step too far.

I'm really worried that this is going to drive a wedge between us. Dp would absolutely deal with this, but I want to try and smooth things over a bit and maintain the lovely relationship we have as well.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

And shave yer legs !

Nobody has done anything wrong, just differences of opinions and preferences.

I would not bring the surname topic up as then it seems like she has a say in the decision and from what you've said she might not get your reasons anyway.

If it comes up just keep it bland, and be prepared for cards and things to come to 'Mr and Mrs Smith' anyway! My MIL does that even though I didn't change my name.

Sounds like you have a good relationship and try not to worry about this. It's likely just something you will never agree on, which is ok.

Has there been any sign that she will let it get in the way of your relationship with you and/or your daughters?

I don’t think the legs thing is bonkers. Sometimes children need to see that they aren’t alone. Well done for being a good role model.

Completely aside from the issue - just wanted to say what a brilliant mum you sound. It's all very well talking about this stuff, but to take real action to be a good example to your kids and prepare them for later life? You rock, seriously.

P.s if your dds have your last name is that not a reason in itself for him to share that with you all so theirs doesn't change and they're not different from you both? Those things matter to children.

I know lots of people who have double barrelled their names although I guess you should do it to appease his mother.

I'd have a chat with her, and say that you know she doesn't understand or potentially agree with it, but that you would like maintain your good realtionship with each other. So as much as she may not understand the logic behind it, you would like her to please respect your decisions.

You don't need to explain anything to her in order for her to approve of the decision. She needs to just accept it.

Nothing to be done here. You've let her know, it's nothing to do with her, she can moan all she wants and it won't change a thing. Congrats on the wedding in advance!

A work colleague of my husband changed his name to his wife's when they got married years ago as his dad was a prize prick and the Dads family not much better so he wanted to move on from what he felt was their name. I wouldn't make an issue of the name thing. Basically it's nothing to do with you as you aren't changing your name it's your husband who is doing it so let her have an issue with him. Make light of it when it comes up.

I don’t think the leg thing is bonkers at all. Seems v sensible and positive to me.

It’s all coming across a bit performative. Your MIL will get used to him taking your name. It’s just been a bit a bit of a shock as it’s not the norm, not because she is trapped in the 19th century. Also she probably feels a bit of a Pratt holding a totally useless gift she has wasted money on.

I wouldn’t say anything to be honest as I think that will do more harm; even if you explain your past to her which I’m not sure you want to do then I’m not sure she’ll get it and you may just end up more frustrated. I’d leave it between her and your DP as it’s their issue to sort out.

I know we are focusing on the leg shaving but I don't think you need to make a point about it which I think you did and your mil caught on to it and tried to help.if your dd doesn't want to shave let her get on with it.

My dd is getting married next year, she doesn’t love her surname (and neither did I when I took my husbands name). Her fiancé had his dads surname, but the dad buggered off when he was young. He doesn’t like his surname much.

So when they get married the may take the maiden surname of one of the grandmothers.

Would something like that work for you? I don’t usually like those double barrelled joint surnames, but maybe that would make things easier, then just drop his surname on most things.

Good on your future husband not being precious about his surname.

@xJoy your post really resonated with me.

I think perhaps you need to get comfortable with the idea that good relationships can include disagreements and arguments!

This is something I massively struggle with, I hate conflict, the first 25 years of my life were just people abusing me and me trying to do all I can to prevent that abuse.

I've really worked on myself a lot since my girls have come along, and they are amazing, don't stand for any bullshit from anyone, they are everything I wish I was at their age, and I'm just so proud of them.

Now MIL is pissed off I've reverted back to being a 10yo who's stressing in case she doesn't love me anymore.

The advice to sit and have a conversation with her is good, I'll maybe just bring it up once, have a chat about it being her sons decision, maybe apologise for not telling her beforehand (I wasn't expecting a gift or I would have said sooner) and then leave it there and hope she comes around.

I haven't felt this way in a long time, I hate being back in this place, and I hate that I've probably done it to myself by over thinking as usual.

The leg thing is not bonkers, I completely understand and you sound like a wonderful mum

Why do you think she's mad at you? Why is she not mad not your DP?
What surname do your DDs have?

Another thought, you could try turning her on to feminism. Either really seriously, or as a tactic so she thinks keeping your own surname is the least of her worries!

Sums it up perfectly. I can understand why the OP feels apprehensive about offending a beloved MIL. I’d possibly handle it by keeping one’s own names. We did when I got married for the 2nd time.

"maybe apologise for not telling her beforehand"

You don't have anything to apologise for this is your and your partners decision ultimately and you didn't need to tell her before you were ready. She could have asked if she really wanted to know.

I didn't make a huge point about it to dd or MIL, although I probably sound like I made it a massive deal.

Dd mentioned it to me, I told her she didn't have to do it and it's perfectly normal to not shave your legs, and people shouldnt say anything or stare.

Then I decided against doing mine, I didn't mention it to dd at all, I just wanted to use actions rather than just my words.

I never mentioned it to MIL until she pulled me aside and pointed out I had forgotten, then I explained it was deliberate, and, when she questioned further, I explained why.

If you MIL is really lovely, then consider telling her the truth

that you hate conflict because of your childhood, but you are trying to change this and become accepting that disagreements are normal and can be worked through

that her upset over the last name thing is upsetting you, but you want to respect her right to be upset, so can the two of you chat it through and come to an understanding of why each of you think they way you do (with the understanding that neither of you might change your mind, but sometimes greater understanding creates compassion)

see where that takes you, you might find you both develop an even better relationship with each other

‘I'm overthinking so much because I really do love her and I love the relationship we have and this is the first time she's ever been mad about something to do with me.’

Probably it’s for the best if it’s DH who puts this one to bed but if you’re sure you want to be the peace-maker, I’d lead with the underlined bit and also say that you want to keep your own name for reasons which you and your intended have decided together are valid and shouldn’t be taken as evidence of any lack of esteem and commitment.

Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t be keen on making disclosures about painful aspects of my distant past to justify my husband’s decisions to his mum who’s gone in a mood about something that’s got hee-haw to do with her and who’s already busy coming to silly conclusions. What if you tell her all this painful stuff and she says sorry that happened but I still don’t want him to change his name?

The ‘why’ doesn’t really matter, not to her, because it’s not her judgement to make whether your reasons are good enough. It also sets a precedent that if she doesn’t like something, she goes in a mood, gets talked around. That’ll get old. This isn’t about her. I can understand why you’re willing to do it, you sound kind, but you and DH are entitled to your choices just as she was.

Sorry but I think that's wrong to have your DH change his name to yours. I totally get your MIL's feeling of insult on this one. I'd be hurt too. Surely you'd be better changing your surname to his and getting rid of the abuser's surname! I find it odd that you want to keep that.
Also it seems to be all about what suits you, rather than thinking about how it may hurt others?

My dds, now have my surname.

They had their dads name, but they don't see him at all anymore.

I had to apply to court to legally change their names as he didn't allow it, but the courts did, thankfully.

I fought hard to get their names changed to mine, so I don't want to either change us all again, or change mine to be different.

I'm actually not sure why I think she's mad at me, but she is annoyed about a situation I've created by not doing the traditional thing I suppose. She's never really been annoyed with/about me before, and I'm probably not dealing with it well.

I think she was looking forward to us all having her last name, and I just never thought about it enough to manage her expectations beforehand.