It's a MIL one - I'm not wrong, but I don't want to fall out with her (turned out to be a long thread, sorry)

[MILdoesntlikethisverymuch]

Well, she's not MIL yet, but she will be.

She's a lovely woman, really lovely, she makes a massive effort with me and my kids and I make an effort with her, no real problems at all - until now.

She can be pretty old fashioned in her views about some things, she has 4 sons, and 3 grandsons, and isn't a feminist on any level, unlike me.

I have 4 daughters, who she adores, and would do anything for (she's their granny in every sense but biological) but she sometimes doesn't understand my need to do things for their sake.

For example I tell my dds that they don't have to confirm to societal beauty standards (this is something I had to work on myself when I had my girls) dd didn't want to shave her legs when going for a family day out at the beach, I was going to do mine but thought it would be hypocritical of me if I said it was absolutely fine then went and shaved mine specifically to go, so I didn't. MIL pulled me to the side and commented that I had forgotten and that she would watch my girls while I nipped back to do it if I wanted, and she didn't get it when I explained why I didn't want to.

There are lots of small instances like that, which are never done maliciously, but it just demonstrates where her head is at.

Again - I love her, she loves me and my dds, I'm not insulting her or saying anything mean about her but I want to navigate this problem (which I'm getting to, I promise) without any drama.

So, now the problem.

Her son and I are getting married this year. Not a huge wedding or a big deal at all, we are just fucking off and doing it.

She bought us a present that said "the smiths" (not real name) on it, however, dp is changing his name to mine.

When I was a child my mother got married to an abuser and changed my name to his, then I got married when I was a teen to a guy who abused me and I changed my name then too.

Some years ago I changed my name back to the one on my birth certificate and it feels totally me, and I just don't want to change my name again for a guy.

Dp absolutely understands this and is happy to change his name to mine (he wants to, i was happy with both keeping our names).

We told MIL when she gave us the gift (which was really thoughtful of her) and she didn't like it at all.

She doesn't want her son to have a different last name to her, she has sort of taken it as a personal insult, and she feels that, although she's really trying to get in board with feminism, this is a step too far.

I'm really worried that this is going to drive a wedge between us. Dp would absolutely deal with this, but I want to try and smooth things over a bit and maintain the lovely relationship we have as well.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Oh for god's sake

I also don't think the leg shaving thing is bonkers at all. I'm surprised some posters don't get it. OP, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

So presumably you think it’s wrong for women to change theirs too? No, I bet you don’t. Why is it fine one way round but not the other?

it’s not his mother’s decision. She can be upset and annoyed all she likes, but it’s not her marriage.

OP, you sound like a fantastic mum (I think the leg shaving thing is lovely) and that you’ve done incredible work on yourself to be strong and independent. Absolutely keep your name, you’ve got nothing to explain or apologise for. I think this is your DP’s battle, not yours (although battle is too strong a word as all he needs to do is say mum, I’m changing my name, times are different now, end of conversation). Don’t get into a debate or argument about it - do what’s right for both of you. He sounds great, and he should stick to his guns changing his name, I wish more men would.

I had this experience back in the 70s, it did cause personal affront when DH took my surname when we married. I wasn't planning on changing my name and we wanted to be all the same. But PIL seemed to interpret it as an unsettling need to escape from/reject their surname, somehow, though that hadn't been the reason. So the only way to get past it is to think of a way to lessen the affront, if there is one. My DH just informed them, no discussion. Then there were more unsettlings to come.....vegetarian, language other than English, nappy-changing Dad, they took it all so personally!

Jesus H Christ whatever is it to do with you whether a grown woman you've never met shaves her legs?

Do you go around Tesco on your hands and knees checking all the women?

Sorry but I think that's wrong to have your DH change his name to yours. I totally get your MIL's feeling of insult on this one. I'd be hurt too. Surely you'd be better changing your surname to his and getting rid of the abuser's surname! I find it odd that you want to keep that.
Also it seems to be all about what suits you, rather than thinking about how it may hurt others?

Eh? OP hasn't "had" her DH change his name to hers, he chose to do it because he wanted to. She also doesn't have her abuser's surname, she says she's changed her name and her daughter's names to the name on her birth certificate.

OPs marriage is totally about her and her DH first and foremost. That's what marriage is (or should be), the prioritising of each other, being each others number one. If MIL is hurt by not being centre stage in someone else's marriage then she has issues. It's not for the newly married couple to appease her, it's for her to take responsibility for her own emotional state and deal with her feelings herself without causing misery to others.

Thank you all.

Turns out I was just being really dramatic.

Dp went there after work, talked about it with her, she said she was initially a bit shocked and upset, but she's thought about it and it's no issue, she has loads of sons and grandsons to "carry on the family name", she thought it would make me and my girls feel less like family if we didn't share a surname, but she realises that we are already family and we don't share a name now so that won't change. She will always feel a bit weird about dp changing his name, but she is OK and accepts it.

MIL isn't planning in bringing it up again, and I won't now I know she's alright about it.

She does think I'm a bit odd sometimes, (she probably has a point) and I make choices that she wouldn't, but she does try, and that's all I can hope for I guess.

Back to being excited about being married and finally having a secure family unit and stability after all these years. I can't wait.

Thank you all again for letting me talk this through, I was really upset earlier.

Aww - your MIL really does sound lovely. That’s a great outcome.

'MIL, grow up or fuck off'

Great news, OP.

The shaving thing - I know plenty have said it but I also understand and support what you were doing there. People will swear blind on here that it's all personal choice and no-one actually cares but that's not the full story.

We don't make those choices in a vacuum in which either outcome is equally likely, or likely to have the same consequences. I have witnessed my sister being abused and mocked by teenage boys in the street for having unshaved legs - she had to wear a school uniform skirt, outside of school never wore skirts. She didn't massively let it bother her, but it does/can happen.

I was also subjected to the same treatment for having some facial hair on my chin when I was in my early twenties (PCOS) - it was by boys younger than myself on a bus where I couldn't really get away for a while, made me very angry. Back then I didn't say anything back to them, now I hope I would tell them to fuck off.

So I know very well that some people will take the position that you must protect your daughters at all costs from public humiliation. BUT what actually happened was that you all - you, your daughter and even your MIL - experienced that you can actually choose to "go as you are" AND the sky did not fall in. Maybe somebody noticed, maybe they didn't - but you went out, did your thing, came back, and the world is still turning. I think that is a great lesson for your DDs!

Yay!!
Excellent News.

And i like your MIL. It’s not easy to adjust your views and she is being very accepting if your different way if doing things. I’d value that.

She sounds really lovely and definitely a keeper 😀

Op you have been through so much that you might be catasrophising stuff in your head It isn't being "dramatic " it's a symptom of anxiety,but you don't have to please everyone all the time.

Of course you can go and fuck yourself!

Never heard of masturbation?

Why was this necessary?