Women who walk out on their dh & dc..

[Silverlog]

What percentage of women who walk out on their dh & dc do you think have had a 2nd man lined up somewhere else? I'm pondering what the %s might be? Those who walk out alone vs those who walk out because they have a new relationship to go to (whether it works out or not). I think it's generally believed on mn that most/many men only walk out when there's a new woman in the wings somewhere. So do you think it's the same for mothers who walk out on their dhs & dc? I ask because this was my mum.. I never heard what the outcome was.

Name change for anonymity. I left my DH and two DC (then 13&15) due to DV. I had tried to leave many many times over the 20yr relationship but he just threatened that I’d lose the kids. My eldest DC often witnessed it and often asked said to me I should leave BUT I know by leaving I’d lose my kids. We had an utterly shit marriage and I often felt the only way out was suicide but couldn’t do it to my DC. One day at work I met the a guy and he made me feel so special and safe. We started having an affair (my DH and I hadn’t stated a bed in years and when we did DTD it was because he raped me)
I decided to leave. Told DH. He then called the DC downstairs and said to them ‘mums going, she’s been fucking so one else’

I left.

since then I’m still with affair guy (never loved anyone so much !) see DC2 regularly though she lives permanently with her dad BUT DC1 I haven’t seen in 3yrs. At every opportunity he turns her against me and tells them lies.

only a few months after I left he tried to rape me. He still sends me abusive messages, sometimes telling me to kill myself. SS are involved but won’t remove kids from his care :(

I miss my DC beyond words and recently had a breakdown because of it :(

it’s not always black and white :(

I don't mean to sound insensitive but are you sure she left, rather than being harmed? Such a sad story

Yawn. Imagine if things were that simple.

News flash, women who suffer domestic abuse and or mental health problems can and do stay with their families. These same women can also state that they they could never understand women who do walk out on their children.
Hardly privileged.

I can understand. Sometimes it builds up and the stress and strain to mental health makes you feel the kids would be better off without you because you are such a crap mum. (Whether it's true or not)

My grandmother did. Got pregnant, wasn’t able to access an abortion, and was pressured into marriage. She left a few months after the birth and obtained a divorce. I don’t know what happened to the first husband and child, but I don’t believe she saw either again. She went on to remarry and have more children that she chose to have and raise. Those children, my father included, remember her as a good mother, and she was a loving grandmother to me.

The overt unbalanced shame placed upon mother's who walk out is probably why some women go on to murder/suicide their families, society makes leaving seem impossible, too shameful.
I imagine considering that as an alternative option walking away seems quite preferable.

@mightymam
My mother left when I was 10 and we have a decent relationship now. It was very rocky for a long time and I went NC for around a decade.

we spoke a few years back and it was good to understand her side of the story. My dad is difficult, she left him. He refused to let her take us, he was the main earner, had never been involved in parenting, and she said she genuinely thought after a few weeks he’d give up and let her have us again. She thought fighting him would have made it more traumatic for us. We were classic pawns though for my dad. He fed me and the school all sorts of stuff that were at best misrepresentations and at worst, simply untrue.

My relationships with both of my parents are complicated now, I have more anger towards my dad but my mother and I will never be super close. I have got over it all for the most part but I still feel very sorry for my younger self. I had to grow up far too quickly, but I blame my dad for that more than I do my mum.

I have come across several women who have left their DH and DC. None of them were for another man. One was for her career, another was a serious alcoholic and the third didn't want to move abroad with her DH so let him take the kids. I can't comprehend how any woman can leave her DC.

I think one of the main reasons why it’s less common for women to leave their children, at least in the UK and comparable countries where there is access to contraception and abortion, is that the majority of women can control whether they have children or not, and aren’t forced to bear children they don’t want. Rates of maternal abandonment tend to be significantly higher in countries where women aren’t in control of their fertility.

@ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ um, I agree. I meant she is privileged to have never been put in a position that produces intrusive thoughts of leaving loved ones behind.

My exs mother left her two kids, moved 5 hours away and set up a home with the affair man and had another child. Both kids have mental health problems and one refuses to speak to her. I could never leave my children!

When I was very young (early to mid primary school-ish) I used to play with the two similar aged girls next door. Their dad was really nice, but I had a strong dislike for their mother. I was too young to articulate why.

One day, three slightly older children were visiting next door as well. Turns out they were the older half siblings (a term I had never heard before, and had no clue what it meant) of the two young girls. Apparently the mother (of all five) had just upped and abandoned the three older ones one day (and presumably their father). I've no idea of the details. The older ones didn't seem to visit often, so perhaps they weren't allowed to, or didn't want to, due to the circumstances of her leaving. This was the mid to late 70s, when divorce/custody in general was quite different to today anyway, which may have influenced the visitation set up.

My mum did when I was about 12, it was a blessing really, she was abusive and made everyone miserable. When she suddenly decided to fuck off suddenly one day, I was relieved tbh.

Two aunt's of my husband's, one on his mum's side, the other on his father's side walked out on their husbands and kids.
Aunt A had four kids, the youngest being only a month old when she left for another man.
She had absolutely no contact with the kids again, not even a birthday card.
The youngest child tracked her down when she was in her late teens, her mother slammed the door in her face and that was the end of that.
Aunt B walked out on her husband when their youngest was three months old. She had two kids from her previous marriage who she took with her, but completely abandoned the baby. No one ever knows if there was a man involved and she never had any contact with the baby that she abandoned.
The baby's father died unexpectedly when she was eight, my m.i.l managed to track her mother down and her response was to say oh shove her in a kids home!
My parents in law ended up raising the child.
Fortunately all of those children, except one who became a drug addict and unfortunately died, all turned out fine.

Friend of mine left her family for another woman. DC stayed with father in the family home, as whole situation already very disruptive for them. OW had no parenting experience.

After everyone got past the shock(s), they did settle into a more normal routine with the mother as NRP. Last I saw them, the DC didn't like visiting at her home. Reading between the lines, they resented her new partner, which I think is pretty normal whenever a parent has left for someone else. I gather they all managed to get along civilly after a while longer.

Just found out about a widow I know who fucked off to her country of origin for two months to get married. Left her two kids with her mother. She has said she’ll hand her autistic child to social services and his twin will be sent to boarding school. All very tragic.