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Original poster

Women who walk out on their dh & dc..

141 replies

Silverlog · 12/03/2023 20:54

What percentage of women who walk out on their dh & dc do you think have had a 2nd man lined up somewhere else? I'm pondering what the %s might be? Those who walk out alone vs those who walk out because they have a new relationship to go to (whether it works out or not). I think it's generally believed on mn that most/many men only walk out when there's a new woman in the wings somewhere. So do you think it's the same for mothers who walk out on their dhs & dc? I ask because this was my mum.. I never heard what the outcome was.

OP posts:
Fannieannie63 · 13/03/2023 10:53

@ashamed1235 This sounds remarkably similar to my mother in law. I tell my dh and his siblings that she couldn’t help it as she was really unwell and to show forgiveness. She is such a good woman deep down and I love her dearly. Dh loves her very much.

Fifi0000 · 13/03/2023 10:58

Itdjgsurchg · 13/03/2023 10:12

My friend’s mum walked out on her and her two older brothers. She never wanted children and hated family life. I don’t understand why somebody would have 3 children if they don’t like them? They did get back in contact with her when my friend was in her teens and her mum was really open with her ‘if you have children you know I won’t ever look after them, I hate them’ etc.

Ive just finished Billy Connoly’s autobiography and his mum left him and his sister when he was 4 I think. She left them for another man but it was during the War so who knows what they were going through. It must have been so traumatic for the children though and he had a terrible childhood with his aunties and dad. So sad.

Because it's only recently society has seen it as normal to choose not to have children. Also the stigma of having 1 child. Many people have been pressured into having DC they couldn't really cope with. Thankfully it's different now my mother should never have had 3 DC she had severe MH problems . I'm glad I was born but my DM could not cope.

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:05

Summerpetal · 13/03/2023 07:40

Just wondering
how many of these women who supposedly ran off ,never to be seen again ,were actually murderd

@Summerpetal

I think you might have a point actually. Not so much now but certainly generations ago, it would have been a lot easier to make someone disappear. I doubt it was the norm but yes, if I'd murdered my wife I might well tell people she had abandoned the family (then chop her up and throw her down the well)

laddersandsnakes12 · 13/03/2023 11:08

My grandmother did this to my mother and her sister in the early 70's. Her husband was abusive to her so she met someone else, then left them all to move to another country. She stayed in contact with her daughters, but I know my mum struggled as she was a young teen when it happened. I'm not sure if my mum ever forgave her, I know my aunt came to terms with it after a while. She came back to the UK a few yrs later, patched things up with my mum and aunt and spent the rest of her life trying to make up for it by raining money on her daughters and us (her grandchildren). It was only after she died that we learnt how abusive her first husband had been and why she left, although I still cannot wrap my head around her leaving her two daughters with him. She absolutely deserved to be happy and not with an abusive man (thankfully he wasn't abusive to his children) but to leave her children behind just seems so cold.

Enfys1982 · 13/03/2023 11:11

The mum of one my childhood friends mum did this. She’d been having an affair with the father of one of her kids friends and left them for him, he then in turn cheated on her and eventuality left. She lives alone whilst my friends dad is now very happily remarried. Friend is very close to her dad and stepmum but it’s very strained between her and her mum.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 13/03/2023 11:12

My DD is approaching the age (10) that I was when my Mum left home, she was in an affair with a colleague, she divorced my Dad, they married and still are to this day.

I understand that she wasn’t happy at home, my Dad was not the man for her so she needed to divorce but I’ve not quite got over her being the one to leave. I look at my DD and just can’t imagine leaving her. I was the only person in school living with just a Dad, I was the subject of gossip, never had many friends. I was a latch door kid, spent a huge amount of time home alone, Dad working or enjoying a new found social life. I would go days without seeing him.

GettingStuffed · 13/03/2023 11:22

I only know one person and his wife left him for another man.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 13/03/2023 11:28

ItstheZwartbles · 13/03/2023 10:28

I will NEVER understand how a woman can get up and walk out on her children, its just beyond me.

I can because a friend of mine did, she was being violently abused. A friend of my mums also left because of abuse. In my friends situation she didn't deliberately leave her children. Her ex set out to ruin her life. Alienated the dc, refused to give them back, tried to get her committed. His whole family threatened her and she now lives in hiding. So yeah. I can understand.

I'm sorry but I find this less understandable. I could understand leaving children with a kind, reasonable man that I no longer loved, if he was the best person to provide a loving stable home. But if he's violently abusing you? Or he and his family act like psychopaths? I wouldn't get a moment's peace until they were out of there, or I was back there as a human shield.

Ketchupwee · 13/03/2023 11:36

I think there has always been a lot of women who don't actually want children, but end up having them because it is what you 'should' do, and society treats women who don't want kids as abnormal

They do it because it's 'the next step' after getting married, and then the reality ends up being the same (or worse) than they expected and they hate being a parent

So basically they leave the kids for the same reason as many men, but women are judged more harshly for it because somehow it's seen as unnatural.

A lot of these stories would have been from a time that women had very little choice in whether they became a mother. Thankfully things seem to be moving on and now people can and do say 'no, I'm not having them' rather than causing some of the heartbreaking stories on here.

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 13/03/2023 12:01

ashamed1235 · 13/03/2023 09:55

NC for this.
I have a history of severe MH issues. When I had my children, I had been stable for many years at this point.
Fast forward 8 years- severe MH breakdown (psychosis), 2 children with ASD and suicidal. I was desperate to leave and believed it was better for them. TBH, I would have committed suicide rather than make a new life. I had plans to frame it as an accident.
Fortunately, I had enough understanding to recognise that it would create lifelong trauma and I stayed, fought and eventually recovered with the help of large amounts of medication.

It is still hard though, I find parenting my kids really hard. My daughter is now home edded. But ultimately I found enough strength to prioritise them, they have to come first. I will always be ashamed about my plans.

I would just like to remind you that the absolute courage of your decisions and the resilience and dedication you have shown to come through this is truly admirable. ❤ you really have nothing to be ashamed off.
To be at rock bottom as you were and to find the strength to pick yourself up and continue knowing that the road ahead is not easy earns you my complete respect. You are your kids own hero.

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 12:11

I just can't understand how a mother can leave her kids More likely to stay in an unhappy marriage than leave

steppemum · 13/03/2023 12:16

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 21:43

I don’t. I say that as a child who was left and a mother now . I get leaving your partner, but no, I shall never ever get walking away and Leaving your kids.

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I have had moments when I would have walked out.
I am just burnt out emotionally from family life.
I say that as a mother to teens (15-20 now) and the teen years have been relaly hard on us as a family.
I have a great supportive dh.
We have no special needs among our kids, unlike friends who haven't had a full nights sleep in 21 years and are their kids full time carer, and have been for 21 years.
I have a supportive family who have helped us out.
We do not have financial worries, own our own home etc.

So if I can feel this way with all that in place, I can imagine how some women just reach the end of themselves at some point. They just can't do t any more.

Amoreena · 13/03/2023 12:25

I had an Aunt who did this. Her 2 year old son especially was very damaged by it into adulthood. I think it was the way she did it that made it particularly damaging. She left and the only time she saw them again before adulthood was when she came to pick stuff up and completely blanked my 2 year old cousin. I'm sure if she'd arranged to see the kids regularly it would have been less damaging

SavBlancTonight · 13/03/2023 12:26

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 12:11

I just can't understand how a mother can leave her kids More likely to stay in an unhappy marriage than leave

Do you feel the same about men who leave their kids!?

There are an awful lot of men who have long sob stories about how they had to leave and they had no choice and their ex was crazy and who are believed and excused.

Personally, I think any adult who abandons their children is making very poor choices, but there is a slight vibe on this thread that suggests women who do it are so much worse that's making me uncomfortable.

totallybonafido · 13/03/2023 12:37

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 23:06

Her husband may have killed her and no one ever bothered to look into where she really was. It has happened many, many times.

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I did wonder that, but apparently, it was during the war, and the husband was away. I think she left them with a grandmother.

Sleepless1096 · 13/03/2023 12:40

SavBlancTonight · 13/03/2023 12:26

Do you feel the same about men who leave their kids!?

There are an awful lot of men who have long sob stories about how they had to leave and they had no choice and their ex was crazy and who are believed and excused.

Personally, I think any adult who abandons their children is making very poor choices, but there is a slight vibe on this thread that suggests women who do it are so much worse that's making me uncomfortable.

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Although I agree there's no moral difference, in reality it often is worse if mothers leave than fathers. Because the uncomfortable truth is that women are often (not always but often) better/more involved parents and society (and children) rely upon them being so. So that's why it's necessary for women who leave to be judged so harshly... they need to be deterred from even thinking about it. Otherwise men would either have to seriously step up their parenting game or we'd have to accept that large numbers of children would be really poorly parented.

mightymam · 13/03/2023 12:42

For those of you who went through this with your mums and they're in your lives now that you're adults, how have you dealt with your mum's abandonment? I know someone I met through the NCT this happened to and she makes it sound like she's not bothered by it at all (of course this is all said at face value and no one but her knows the scars she has from this) but in her case, she had an amazing dad and grandmother who did everything to fill the void and make her childhood a great one.

Sleepless1096 · 13/03/2023 12:42

steppemum · 13/03/2023 12:16

I have had moments when I would have walked out.
I am just burnt out emotionally from family life.
I say that as a mother to teens (15-20 now) and the teen years have been relaly hard on us as a family.
I have a great supportive dh.
We have no special needs among our kids, unlike friends who haven't had a full nights sleep in 21 years and are their kids full time carer, and have been for 21 years.
I have a supportive family who have helped us out.
We do not have financial worries, own our own home etc.

So if I can feel this way with all that in place, I can imagine how some women just reach the end of themselves at some point. They just can't do t any more.

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This is one of the reasons why women need to be judged so harshly if they leave. As deterrence so they continue to provide more than their share of unpaid labour.

Axahooxa · 13/03/2023 12:52

I can understand why women leave their families…

Abuse
Mental health crisis
Overworked and unsupported
PND

PP saying ‘I could never understand. My husband is amazing and I have a strong bond with my kids.’ Well- lucky you. Imagine a very different existence (hard to do) and you may move towards understanding.

Amoreena · 13/03/2023 13:08

Good point that some may have been murdered. It's very common for men who murder their wife to claim they ran off with another man. Nowadays its more likely they'll be caught out, but easier to get away with it in the past

gkhg · 13/03/2023 13:10

Thisisformathilda · 12/03/2023 21:20

I will NEVER understand how a woman can get up and walk out on her children, its just beyond me.

Youre quite privileged then. Abuse and MH issues are usually the reason, not just 'oh I can't be arsed anymore, see ya'

Enko · 13/03/2023 13:15

My mother somewhat did this. She left my father for another man. Leaving 3 children with him age 2.5. 5.5 and 12. My 12 year old sister refused to leave our dad and a court battle eventually decided I was to live with our mother and youngest brother with our father.

It broke both parental relationships. I do not have a father daughter bond with my dad. Mum died 9 years ago and my brother said last year "I don't miss her she was not a significant part of my life" 1 weekend a month doesn't create a bond like that.

My mother felt very guilty though this resulted in her golden "childing" my sister and brother as "I was fine I was with her' my dad went the other way and wanted me to everyday life whe. I was there. Result was I felt neither of my parents gave a damn.

Mum stayed with other man for the rest of her life. He is ok my children call him granddad.

I have 4 children I can't imagine leaving them when they were as small as dbro and I were when she left. But then my mother was "an interesting woman ".....

nc1013 · 13/03/2023 13:23

I think generally, women leave a relationship as they're unhappy, no longer in love, don't enjoy being with current partner etc. Takes them longer to leave but they'll do it for themselves and it's less likely they're leaving to be with an affair partner.

Men typically are more scared of being alone and will have a new partner lined up, ready & waiting before they have the guts to leave,

The bit I'm more shocked at is a women walking out on her own DC? I presume you mean they no longer have any contact? I can't imagine anyone I know doing that. Ever. Brad Pitt could knock on my door and propose and unless my DC we're coming, I wouldn't be going anywhere

Eastie77Returns · 13/03/2023 13:32

mightymam · 13/03/2023 12:42

For those of you who went through this with your mums and they're in your lives now that you're adults, how have you dealt with your mum's abandonment? I know someone I met through the NCT this happened to and she makes it sound like she's not bothered by it at all (of course this is all said at face value and no one but her knows the scars she has from this) but in her case, she had an amazing dad and grandmother who did everything to fill the void and make her childhood a great one.

I cannot speak for myself as this didn't happen to me but the mother of one of my closest friends left home when my friend was 8 years old. She is now in her 40s and on the surface gets on well with her mum and they seemed fairly close. However my friend told me not long ago that she has never recovered from the abandonment and thinks her mum was incredibly selfish.

Her mum didn't disappear completely, she saw my friend every couple of weekends. When we were growing up she was considered the Cool Mum by all of our friendship group as she let us let us have free reign of her house when we visited with my friend and she was always on hand to give us advice about boys, sex etc. She had remarried a very wealthy man and kept an open house where we could pop over. She liked us kids but just didn't want to do day to day parenting or 'drudgery' as she called it. She always counselled us to think carefully about having children which looking back I think was very insensitive as she said this in front of her daughter.

My friend is actually very bitter about the fact that her mum was such a beloved parent figure to all of us (her friends) but not to her own child.

WouldJudasLeaveIt · 13/03/2023 14:20

I don't blame my nan for walking out on my grandad. He was a womaniser and she left before he did. My mum resented her for the rest of her life for it.
Conversely though my mum would threaten to walk out and leave us all the time 🙄