Personal Statement about Match of the Day

[Random789]

With so many people refusing to host Match of the Day it seems inevitable that they will eventually work their way right down the list to the point where they have to ask me.

I can confirm that, despite Gary Lineker having my full support, I am prepared (in this time of great national crisis) to step up and do my duty.

I'm not the best informed about football, but I can bring the following talking points to the table:

*Ooh, doesn't he have lovely knees. So chunky.

*Which one is England again?

I'm trying to think of a third one, but no luck. Perhaps I will need some co-hosts.

Wouldn't that nice Mick Tindle wot's married to Princess Anne's daughter not be a good choice. He used to be a footballer, I think.

I'll do it.
'It's not about winning, it's taking part that counts'
Im sure that will go down well

I am available for the job! I will bring frequent diatribes about how much time is spent talking about men's football (and other sports) on tv, radio and in newspapers.

Is Jurgen Klop the one who has the plastic glasses and looks like he is out of a Scandi noir film?

I'll do him too.

[cough]

I can also bring to the table a blissful ignorance of any footballers. A few kids of footballers went to the dcs' junior school and had the 'delight' of chatting to me when picking up their children from school - all, without fail, were perfectly polite when I asked questions about whether Crystal Palace was a good club and I admitted not knowing any footballers apart from Kevin Keegan and Gary Linnekar (at a push since then I have managed to name a couple more players - Ronaldo and the French one who became an actor but whose name I have now forgotten).

"If that ball goes in the net, it will be a goal"

The problem with Arsenal is that they always try to walk into the net.

That's hilarious!

Loads of excellent commentary here. I especially like ProfYaffle's "Kick it!", and the expanded version "Kick it into the net" which shows an astonishingly technical understanding of match strategy.
If it's the goalie, though, you can also shout "Pick it up with your hands!" Because, actually, the goalkeepers are allowed to do this, even though the game is called football.
You see, I understand these little points of FA law; it's not for nothing that they will be asking me to stand in for Gary.

At half time don't forget to mention they've swapped ends please as that bit sometimes muddles me

And the bit where they play uno but just with red and yellow cards

@MsFogi, "the French one who became an actor" - Would that be "Ooh! Ah! Cantona!" as I believe the fans called him?
Whenever I get into a bath that is too hot, I repeat that chant. It is almost as if I was born to be the new Gary Lineker.

Remember to mention how useless VAR is st regular intervals. Unless VAR has sided with the team you support then VAR is brilliant and has improved football 1000%.

Mention some nonsense about how the ref 'almost didn't make it' because he had to get a headlight bulb replaced at Halfords at half 11 this morning.
They do random shit like that sometimes.

Wrong shaped ball

I remember seeing a comedian comparing how different the post match interviews are after rugby matches and football matches. According to him, the rugby players deliver eloquent commentary on the game while the football players sound like “We put the circle in our net more than the others did. Be lucky”.

This thread has to make it to Classics surely? Brilliant.

I think you should sound authoritative and mention that you fully agree with the new rules regarding pay which the FA will be introducing - strikers who do not score will not be paid, defenders who don't intercept the ball will not be paid and goalkeepers who let in goals will not be paid. Oh and there will be huge fines if the score is 0-0 at full time....... Performance related pay..... if only!

I could tell the story about the time DH did a job for a premier league player and the player (and his wife) were so spectacularly rude that DH added 20% to the bill.

We call it Twat Tax.

I'm always saying to DH if your only job is to score goals and you don't score goals how can you then be paid hundreds of thousands a week. I think some of these footballers should definitely be on performance plans and possibly managed out of their role. Maybe demoted from striker to boot boy.

Wow, that'll teach em

Don't forget to talk about the weather.

In the words of Ian Holloway
"I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!"

Blimey @anxiouslemons who pissed on your cornflakes?

Unless you're a certain Mrs Vardy in which case you've just found out that you get overcharged by tradesmen because of how unpleasant you are. Soz.

"Ooh, the red 'number 8' looks just like a bloke who used to catch the same bus to work with me in early 2003."