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Original poster

Childfree Decision

107 replies

TeabagsAtDawn · 10/03/2023 21:00

I am teetering on the brink of the decision to be childfree. Live with partner and pets, happy with our life, many reasons why having kids is not for us. But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

Anyone else made/almost made the decision?

OP posts:
BernadetteIsMySister · 10/03/2023 21:07

Honestly, as much as people pretend to be interested, nobody really cares. It's a conversation filler but ultimately people are too wrapped up in their own lives to dwell on it.

CrotchetyCrocheting · 10/03/2023 21:08

BernadetteIsMySister · 10/03/2023 21:07

Honestly, as much as people pretend to be interested, nobody really cares. It's a conversation filler but ultimately people are too wrapped up in their own lives to dwell on it.

This. There are so many people that are choosing to be 'childfree' these days that it is totally mainstream and not at all unusual. Just do what you want.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 10/03/2023 21:11

Yes - no regrets at all.

DontBeJudgyItsNotNice · 10/03/2023 21:17

It actually doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because it's not their life.
I personally have 3 kids,all almost grown,but I would never would have allowed anyone to tell me if I should or should not have have children.
And I don't think it's nearly as expected by society as you think.
If you are feeling it here you need to remember this is Mumsnet.
So you do what's right for you and don't worry about opinions,it's your life after all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2023 21:19

Millions of people make the same choice. If you’re happy who cares what anyone else thinks. If you care maybe you’re not sure.

JonahAndTheSnail · 10/03/2023 21:22

I'm almost 40 and child free, as are over half of the friends I know from college and university. I think it's a pretty common life choice now and I can't say I recall anyone asking why I don't have kids or when I plan to have them. Having children just because it's 'what people do' seems like a really bad idea for both the children and the parents.

GingerAle1 · 10/03/2023 21:23

Having children for societal expectation doesn't sit right with me at all. If you really want DC that's different but this doesn't sound positive towards children!

Original poster
TeabagsAtDawn · 10/03/2023 21:24

@BernadetteIsMySister @CrotchetyCrocheting thanks, good points. So many friends/colleagues having babies at the moment it’s easy to feel like the only one, but of course it’s a common conversation too!

@PlateBilledDuckyPerson great to hear! If you don’t mind me asking, how much detail do you go into when people ask if you have/want children?

@DontBeJudgyItsNotNice thank you!

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m scared I’ll regret not having them. But, I’d rather that than regret having them. Coming to terms with there being an element of regret either way at “what could have been”!

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:24

Society doesn’t care. Some people may ask if you are having kids as they are nosy and more people have kids than don’t, but really nobody is bothered. Even if they did care, are you going to have children to please random members of society? Just do what makes you happy.

RandomMess · 10/03/2023 21:27

Honestly I have several DC, I don't care if people choose not to. They are still normal interesting people just like parents are!

PandasAreUseless · 10/03/2023 21:28

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree. Surely you just take each day as it comes and see where life takes you?
I'm 38, have been with DH for 18 years and have never wanted kids, don't see them in our future and don't admire the look of family life. But who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Unless you're planning to get sterilised, why the pressure to be so absolute in your thinking?

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:32

PandasAreUseless · 10/03/2023 21:28

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree. Surely you just take each day as it comes and see where life takes you?
I'm 38, have been with DH for 18 years and have never wanted kids, don't see them in our future and don't admire the look of family life. But who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Unless you're planning to get sterilised, why the pressure to be so absolute in your thinking?

That’s daft. There’s lots of reasons to decide, the biggest one being to plan because fertility doesn’t last forever, and also to plan financially. At some point if there’s a chance you might want kids you need to decide so.

DojaPhat · 10/03/2023 21:32

I read somewhre today that 1 in 4 parents say childcare costs are more than 75% of their take-home pay.

It matters not what others think about the status of your womb. It seems to me your issue is probably how to answer if/when asked. It truly depends on who is asking. It's really okay to tell people it's not something you want to talk about and leave it there. You don't need to go into the ins and outs of childcare, your lovely weekend lie-ins or anything else, it's ok to simply not fancy it.

Original poster
TeabagsAtDawn · 10/03/2023 21:36

I certainly wouldn’t have children because society expects it and didn’t mean for my post to come across as such. That phrase was to illustrate how sometimes it feels, to me at least, that there is a pressure of what is “the done thing”. I would only choose to try to have children if I wanted to.

@JonahAndTheSnail I am very much a minority in my friendship group in that I am in a long term relationship but don’t have, or want, children. Need to widen the circle I think!

@PandasAreUseless I understand your point. For me, it’s helping to draw a line and have some clarity over what I want/don’t want in the next few years (before I am too old to TTC)

Thank you all for your comments - “who cares what others thing” is something I need to remember!

OP posts:
Original poster
TeabagsAtDawn · 10/03/2023 21:37

*what others think

OP posts:
Meandfour · 10/03/2023 21:41

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2023 21:19

Millions of people make the same choice. If you’re happy who cares what anyone else thinks. If you care maybe you’re not sure.

This. It’s nothing out of the ordinary. Why are
you having doubts if you’re happy?

GingerAle1 · 10/03/2023 21:44

OP "That phrase was to illustrate how sometimes it feels, to me at least, that there is a pressure of what is “the done thing”."

There's always judgement,sadly. Think of SAHM or working mom, how many DC...you have to learn to ignore the judgey voices and listen to your own.

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 10/03/2023 21:55

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree.

Unless you are celibate or 100% certain you are infertile, remaining childfree requires planning and effort.

Original poster
TeabagsAtDawn · 10/03/2023 21:57

@DojaPhat wow that’s high! And thank you, your second paragraph is so true.

@Meandfour because I haven’t made the final decision yet.

@GingerAle1 very true, thank you!

OP posts:
PandasAreUseless · 11/03/2023 00:21

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 21:32

That’s daft. There’s lots of reasons to decide, the biggest one being to plan because fertility doesn’t last forever, and also to plan financially. At some point if there’s a chance you might want kids you need to decide so.

Show quote history

Nope, I still don't get it...
If in 2 years time, at 40, I decide that I want a baby, then that's what I'll try to do (however extremely unlikely that may be for me personally!).
I won't say "Unfortunately I made a decision to implement an arbitrary cut off point at 35, so I'll have to leave it there and call it a day!"

PandasAreUseless · 11/03/2023 00:24

PlateBilledDuckyPerson · 10/03/2023 21:55

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree.

Unless you are celibate or 100% certain you are infertile, remaining childfree requires planning and effort.

Yes each and every day it does. I should know, I've been purposefully NOT getting pregnant now for 23 years!
But it doesn't need someone to say "On this date, 10th March 2023, I hereby officially declare myself to be CHILDFREE for life!"

ManchesterGirl2 · 11/03/2023 00:40

PandasAreUseless · 10/03/2023 21:28

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree. Surely you just take each day as it comes and see where life takes you?
I'm 38, have been with DH for 18 years and have never wanted kids, don't see them in our future and don't admire the look of family life. But who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Unless you're planning to get sterilised, why the pressure to be so absolute in your thinking?

Well, it sounds like you have made a decision. You just also accept that you might change your mind.

Carlycat · 11/03/2023 00:42

Most of my friendship circle as well as myself are childfree. It's no big deal these days

JL642 · 11/03/2023 00:44

GingerAle1 · 10/03/2023 21:44

OP "That phrase was to illustrate how sometimes it feels, to me at least, that there is a pressure of what is “the done thing”."

There's always judgement,sadly. Think of SAHM or working mom, how many DC...you have to learn to ignore the judgey voices and listen to your own.

Agree with this! If you had a child you’d then be worrying if society expected you to then have two DC. You do you.

ClassicLib · 11/03/2023 00:45

Childfree by choice here with absolutely no regrets. Definitely the right decision for us. Who gives a fuck what ‘society’ thinks or expects, anyway?

Most people do have children. It’s the normal thing to do. Good luck to them, but I am not ‘most people’ and I don’t want to be ‘normal’.