Page 5 | Childfree Decision

TeabagsAtDawn · 2023-03-10T21:00:12+00:00

I am teetering on the brink of the decision to be childfree. Live with partner and pets, happy with our life, many reasons why having kids is not for us. But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it? Anyone else made/almost made the decision?

cptartapp · 12/03/2023 07:27

zelda but the years of 'child rearing' are very short across the lifespan. We are parents to adult DC for far far longer than to small DC. My parents if alive would now be in their late 70's and I don't think their experience and the challenges of raising me and DB are vastly different to that of me and DH raising ours over the past twenty years.

I wobbled about having DC for years and had two. We had practically no help and it was hard at times. But in reality, only a fraction of my life. They're now 20 and almost 18 and I and so so glad we thought long term and chose to.

Noicant · 12/03/2023 07:28

BernadetteIsMySister · 10/03/2023 21:07

Honestly, as much as people pretend to be interested, nobody really cares. It's a conversation filler but ultimately people are too wrapped up in their own lives to dwell on it.

This, I really don’t care if other people have kids or not. Tbh I wouldn’t ask either in case you felt the need to tell me about it. I cannot tell you how little time I spend thinking about/talking about peoples decision to be childfree. I have a kid so I’m not anti kid. More women are quite reasonably opting out of having children so it’s not that unusual.

When you say society who do you mean? The only people who hassled me were family (well not mine my DH’s).

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/03/2023 11:25

cptartapp · 12/03/2023 07:27

zelda but the years of 'child rearing' are very short across the lifespan. We are parents to adult DC for far far longer than to small DC. My parents if alive would now be in their late 70's and I don't think their experience and the challenges of raising me and DB are vastly different to that of me and DH raising ours over the past twenty years.

I wobbled about having DC for years and had two. We had practically no help and it was hard at times. But in reality, only a fraction of my life. They're now 20 and almost 18 and I and so so glad we thought long term and chose to.

To each their own. I'm nearly 60 and so glad that I thought long-term and didn't have them.

HamBone · 12/03/2023 14:10

garlictwist · 12/03/2023 06:44

I don't agree that society expects you to have kids. I don't have children and have never felt that. Most of my friends don't have children either (in our late thirties and forties) so not that unusual either.

I assumed it must be family/societal pressures to explain what @Chiponyourplate is saying about people regretting becoming parents, i.e., they feel pressured to have kids but don't really want to - but you don't agree?

I assumed this type of regret must be rare, as we've had fairly reliable conception since the 1960's and I can't fathom why anyone would have children if they didn't really want them at this point.

Is that your experience, that your peers are only having children if they really want them and don't regret their decisions either way? I'm 48 and it's mine, as far as I'm aware.

cptartapp · 12/03/2023 15:59

zelda I would class 'long term" as being elderly. 60 isn't elderly at all.
It's like relationships with a big age gap that are great until the older partner hits a certain age. Then very suddenly many are not.
But yes, each their own.

Original poster

TeabagsAtDawn · 14/03/2023 18:53

Lottapianos · 11/03/2023 08:28

'But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?'

Yes, it really is. And I fully agree with the people who have said to stuff society's expectations and do what you want, but it's important to acknowledge that having children is still very much seen as 'the norm'. And all that noise can make it very difficult to separate out what you actually want to do

I hear you OP. It's a decision I agonised about for years - you either do it or you don't, theres no middle ground. Part of me desperately wanted to be a parent, a bigger part of me knew that I just wouldn't cope very well with the daily reality of it. So I'm 43 now and I don't have children and thats not going to change. I'm feeling more settled about that choice all the time, and even extremely grateful at times

Lots of people will tell you it's FINE and NO BIG DEAL to be childfree, and of course it is, but I wanted to acknowledge that for some of us, it's a massive decision that is not straightforward

This is what I was getting at, thank you @Lottapianos

I really do know it’s my decision, that people don’t care that much, and of course I would never have children just because it’s the norm/expected by society, but that “noise” does make it hard. I’m glad to hear you feel more settled about the choice over time.

To answer another PP, I’m mid 30s. I do want to make a decision one way or the other, and I think I’m pretty much there. I think being childfree is actually more common than I think it is due to my current social and professional circle which is full of people with kids/pregnant women!

OP posts:

Roselilly36 · 14/03/2023 19:23

Entirely your choice, I wouldn’t judge, personally for me having my DS’ is the best thing I ever did, no regrets. But, I accept motherhood isn’t the right path for every woman. Thankfully, time has passed that it is no longer considered a duty to society.