Childfree Decision

[TeabagsAtDawn]

I am teetering on the brink of the decision to be childfree. Live with partner and pets, happy with our life, many reasons why having kids is not for us. But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

Anyone else made/almost made the decision?

'I would also say that the number of women who regret having children is almost certainly a lot smaller than the number of women who regret NOT having them. (But I don't have a study on hand to back that up.)

Well this is total bullshit, isn't it.'

Yes! You say yourself it's based on nothing concrete. This is a great example of having children being seen as 'normal' and 'right' and something surely hardly anyone would regret, right???

There are LOADS of threads on Mumsnet from women who deeply regret having children

Has anybody asked the inevitable “If you have no kids, why are you on MN?” question yet?

Not yet, but when it comes we all have to shout BINGO!!!!!!

I also don’t think anyone’s suggested having just one child ‘as a compromise’ yet.

But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

I don't understand why anyone would have children because of societal expectation. Have them if you want to or don't have them if you don't want them.

I was ambivalent about having children, and due to infertiltiy thought it would never happen, but it did.

I have friends with children and child free friends and don't judge any of them for their life choices.

You make it sound like you'd have children just to make other people happy which is ridiculous. Just do what you want to do. not everyone has children.

@EmpressaurusOfCats interesting you should say that- I was actually going to mention to OP that we did come very close to deciding to be child free but having one child has been the right balance for us. It's very easy to get sucked into thinking of "kidS" plural when making the decision, but l know from friends and family that having 2 or more is a very very different lifestyle.

Why are you so disparaging about people ho might mention that?

OP I have been where you are and, ultimately, found that hearing other people's opinions and experiences was fascinating but didn't really help me at all.

My husband steered me away from thinking too much about other people's experiences and kept the focus of our discussions on what we felt, needed and wanted. Obviously a person's feelings, aspirations etc are influenced to some extent by what they see happening around them, but there are so many individual factors at play in every decision.

I'd say that the only person who matters in this is your partner. It can be a very emotionally bonding experience to talk this through and then move forward in the light of your decision.

So I won't go into the reasons why we chose to have a child. We have no regrets, but the alternative would have been fine too. Both my brother and my DH's brother are child free by choice (one married, one who only dates women who feel the same way). All of us come from loving families, there was nothing about our pasts that might have made us fearful of having children. Everyone is happy. Good luck with your decision.

@PandasAreUseless
But our fertility is only finite. So unless you are very good at living for today only (I am not!) you need to think "I don't want kids today but maybe when I'm 50 I will want kids". And you'll need to decide whether you have them today for Future You, or whether you think screw Future You I'm only living for today. And that is a decision in itself.

PS I'd replace the phrase "expected by society" with a sort of "ten million people can't be wrong" kind of notion- we see the majority of people around us with children and by and large they seem to enjoy it, so we tend to think that there must be something in the idea. That's about it.

Excellent point.

I mean to give an example, I could tell you all the factors that I took into account in my/our decision. But then I see from your OP that you have pets.

I HATE the idea of sharing my home and life with an animal and can't even imagine investing emotionally in a non-verbal creature. So we are so different in terms of how we find joy and relate to the world around us that, ultimately, my decision is meaningless to you.

'I HATE the idea of sharing my home and life with an animal and can't even imagine investing emotionally in a non-verbal creature.'

Gosh Never, I feel exactly the same! It's very rare to see it articulated like that. I have friends who have pets, and of course they adore them, and they are their family - I just don't get it at all. Not saying I'm right and they're wrong, but you're spot on that we are very different

Imo society does not expect women to have children. If anything children are seen as a burden on society now. People make comments either as a way of conversation or to validate their own choices. The only people on your life that might have an expectation about you having children is your own parents but I see you haven’t mentioned them OP.

Nope, still not understanding the point I'm making.....
You can only know how you feel about any subject TODAY!
Therefore, I have, so far, for 20 odd years of adult life, chosen not to have kids each and every day. But there is no way of knowing how I'll feel TOMORROW!
I'm not describing a life of blowing in the wind with no plans, goals or choices. I'm saying there's never a need to put yourself in a box, lock the lid and throw away the key!!

No one cares.

When I didn't have children I felt sorry for people who did. Then I had children and I don't feel sorry for people who do now but I also don't feel sorry for people who choose not too

Where's the bullshit? I made a general* comment. You responded with an anecdote about your personal experience - sample size of one - as if that comprehensively disproves my hypothesis.

I didn't say all women, including you, who voluntarily remain childless eventually regret it. I said some do (ergo some don't).

I also said that I thought fewer women would regret having children than not having children.

Do you think the contrary is true?

Yea, @HBGKC, for someone who claims to be intelligent and educated, @PandasAreUseless completely failed to grasp the simple point you were making which was this:

Some women regret not having children (Category A)
Some women regret having children. (Category B)

The number of women in Category A is larger than the number of women in Category B.

The fact that @PandasAreUseless falls into neither category is completely irrelevant.

Given that, at present only 20% of women are childfree at the end of their childbearing years (I am one of them) and the statistics don't differentiate between those who wanted children and those who didn't - so the % of childfree by choice will be even smaller though we don't know by how much - there are a lot fewer women in a position to regret not having children.

Zero regrets. DH has a vasectomy appointment booked. Very happy with my life the way it is and couldn't give 2 shits what anyone else thinks.

Seth Rogen was interviewed about this recently and put some things really well -

vm.tiktok.com/ZMY5Wu1eQ/

I work with loads of women who are childfree for various reasons. They all have great lives. Chatting personally with them some have regrets as they didn't meet the right person in time so didn't feel they had a choice. Others just like their lives the way they are, they have great work life balance, loads friends, holidays they choose, hobbies they love. Its just a different life

Well, I’m really glad it works for you & I’m sure it does for a lot of other people. And I can see how it would be easier than having lots of kids but it’s still nothing like being childfree. They’re still there.

But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

A bit by some, but it would be massively unfair to the children if they weren't wanted for themselves. Also, bringing up children to become responsible adults will cost you most of your time and energy for the next 2 decades, don't start if you can't do this properly.

Having children should be more of a choice that people think about. Too many people decide that they "want a baby" and forget about parenting them to adulthood with all the difficulties that come with that decision. It's good that you are thinking this through.

This is becoming more common in friends, colleagues, family in their 20s. So many don't feel they have the financial stability they would want to bring up children until it's almost too late to have them.
Many also worry about bringing children into a world in crisis.
I totally get why people choose not to.

I take your question to be 'what will it be like to take the path less well travelled?' in a society where it is more common to have children than not. Rather than any implication that you or others might have kids just because of societal convention.

Children do set you on a clear path and you have a focus/purpose influencing everything from what car to buy to where you're going on holiday. Women with a biological urge don't really care too much about any of the inconveniences. Those without a strong biological urge have it harder or easier depending which way you look at things. (Easier as child rearing is objectively hard and very expensive, harder as it's for more complicated a decision).

We take decisions as they are right for us at the time, you can't go back and rewrite history and change the way you felt at the time. No one knows what the future has in store.

And too many people procreate because they "feel broody" without consideration for the circumstances they'd be saddling their offspring with. That's reprehensible.

You don't have to please anyone. I was unsure for many years and was tempted to stay childfree. I now have two boys. It is 100% your decision.

Don't ask yourself what you don't want but what you do want. I was listening to professor steve peters, psychologist for the Olympic cycling team and he said this is the only way to cut through the 'noise' of other influences and get to the bottom of what you really want.