Childfree Decision

[TeabagsAtDawn]

I am teetering on the brink of the decision to be childfree. Live with partner and pets, happy with our life, many reasons why having kids is not for us. But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

Anyone else made/almost made the decision?

While I see your position as valid, it isn't the only valid one.

I'm in similar position as the OP, being unsure whether I want to be childfree for life or not. I expect both possibilities would come with some "what if" regret, it is normal to be curious about the alternatives. And I feel that in my case, giving it some serious consideration and making it a more conscious decision, is the way to limit my future regret either way.
My current feelings are that by using protection we expressed an opinion of "not wanting to have children now", and that it shouldn't translate to "never having children" without us being even aware of it.

OP, society won't be the one raising and paying for your children. So what society thinks is utterly irrelevant.

I made a different choice from yours but still one frowned upon by many - single parent by choice. I have been judged and felt judged, and I don't care. I'm happy and see no need for a partner.

I'd say the most important thing is to be certain and confident in your choice. As past a certain point it is no longer possible to change your mind - this is true whether you choose to have them or not.

It sounds like your are leaning towards no children but perhaps still harbour some doubts ? Whatever society thinks can only feed off your own insecurities. Not having children is a perfectly normal and valid choice, you just need to make sure that's what YOU are happy with.

Nearly 20% of women in the UK don't have kids at the end of their fertile years so while still a minority, that's a very significant minority.

Yes. Don't regret it one bit.

🙄

Yep. So far I've woken up, every day of my adult life, and thought "Nope, still dont want one".

But there's been no need for me to reach a big, finite decision by a particular point.

Do what is right for you. Having children is a huge commitment in every possible way. Nobody will ease the burden, ever.
if people ask just say no, I don’t have any children. Any decent person would ever pry.

"Nearly 20% of women in the UK don't have kids at the end of their fertile years so while still a minority, that's a very significant minority."

And apparently 80% of them did not remain childless by choice, interestingly.

OP, may I ask how old you are (apologies if I've missed that info)? Your feelings may change significantly down the line, by which time having children may be less feasible than it is now.

I would also say that the number of women who regret having children is almost certainly a lot smaller than the number of women who regret NOT having them. (But I don't have a study on hand to back that up.)

I'm childfree by choice and not a chance I'd ever have kids. I understand how hard it is!
But I really don't feel it's expected by society. No one bat's an eyelid that we don't have kids. It's not the 1950s. Do if that's your only reason to do it absolutely don't!

It was no big deal 45 years ago when at the age of 15 I decided I never wanted children. Most friends and family have had them and are now on to grandchildren. Not an issue on either side.

I’m entering peri and know for certain that remaining childfree was the right decision for me, but I’m a single lesbian so I get asked that question far less often than you would.

If you stay childfree you’ll get people asking how you’ll cope when you’re old, telling you nobody ever regrets the kids they have, only the ones they didn’t, and that your life has no purpose without them. There will also be some idiots who ask what you’re doing on Mumsnet. I find myself able to ignore all of them so I’m sure you will too

Absolutely what @BernadetteIsMySister said. Other than maybe your own immediate family, nobody gives a shit. They are just utterly useless at small talk and can only think of asking about things right in front of their face (eg they have kids so they ask if you will).
And sadly, most people just aren't that interested in others and ask about this just so they can talk about their own kids.
Make some friends who know how to have a good conversation and this whole turmoil issue will massively reduce.
I have 2 kids but there are massive pluses and many minuses either way. Whatever you decide won't be wrong.

Childfree, nearly 60, zero regrets. I prefer to focus on work, travel and volunteering.

Of course it's fine to either choose to try to have a baby or choose not to.

Whichever you choose involves a loss though, if the other choice.

If you choose not to try for a baby you lose the possibility of finding out what that would be like, how you and your partner would be as parents and all the many things that children bring to our development and life.

If you have a baby you lose the current status quo, with the chance for you and your partner to be a couple without a bomb going off in your relationship (baby!) and you lose the many opportunities to travel and work and enjoy life that are available if you don't have children to care and pay for.

There is no loss-free answer here.

Not so much a decision for me but I always assumed I’d start wanting kids at some point, and that never happened. I also don’t have a scrap of maternal instinct. No regrets at all. In fact, the more time goes by the more I’m glad I don’t have them. Probably helps for me that many of my friends don’t have kids either - people I’ve known for years, rather than just people in a similar situation who I’ve gravitated towards.

'But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?'

Yes, it really is. And I fully agree with the people who have said to stuff society's expectations and do what you want, but it's important to acknowledge that having children is still very much seen as 'the norm'. And all that noise can make it very difficult to separate out what you actually want to do

I hear you OP. It's a decision I agonised about for years - you either do it or you don't, theres no middle ground. Part of me desperately wanted to be a parent, a bigger part of me knew that I just wouldn't cope very well with the daily reality of it. So I'm 43 now and I don't have children and thats not going to change. I'm feeling more settled about that choice all the time, and even extremely grateful at times

Lots of people will tell you it's FINE and NO BIG DEAL to be childfree, and of course it is, but I wanted to acknowledge that for some of us, it's a massive decision that is not straightforward

I would also say that the number of women who regret having children is almost certainly a lot smaller than the number of women who regret NOT having them. (But I don't have a study on hand to back that up.)

Yes, you don’t have evidence for that. And more importantly, if somehow you do regret not having children, you can still find other ways to fulfil your life. You can't get a refund on living, breathing children. Once you've had them, you're stuck with them. So if you don’t think you want children, it's more sensible to not have them.

I don’t really understand your last part… millions of people travel, work and enjoy life as parents.

Well, speaking from my own experience, if you’re fertile, or believe you are, and approaching the end of your 30s, at some point you need to either start having unprotected sex or not!

If somehow you do regret not having children, you can still find other ways to fulfil your life. You can't get a refund on living, breathing children. Once you've had them, you're stuck with them. So if you don’t think you want children, it's more sensible to not have them.

This. Several times over.

Maybe it was expected about 30 years ago, but not anymore. Don't think anyone cares about what other people do with their lives tbh. Dumb reason to have kids - because someone might think you should

No one cares tbh. I am the only one out of my group of very close friends who had a child (we're all late 40s+ now) and it was never really a topic between us. Some people want children, some don't. 'Society' didn't question or seem bothered by any of our choices.

It is far better to regret not having them than the other way round...

If you've been using protection every time up to that point, then it's the decision to stop doing that and start trying that's key.
Otherwise it's just: "Yep still dont want a baby today".

I've never understood the concept of "making a decision" to remain childfree. Surely you just take each day as it comes and see where life takes you?

No, I remember making a decision. As far as pregnancy is concerned, taking each day as it comes and seeing where life takes me isn’t an option.

Has anybody asked the inevitable “If you have no kids, why are you on MN?” question yet?

I would also say that the number of women who regret having children is almost certainly a lot smaller than the number of women who regret NOT having them. (But I don't have a study on hand to back that up.)

Well this is total bullshit, isn't it.

I'm an intelligent, educated woman of nearly 40. Each and every day for the last 20 years I've consciously decided not to have a baby.

I wasn't wrong. I knew my own mind. How could I possibly regret that?!