Childfree Decision

[TeabagsAtDawn]

I am teetering on the brink of the decision to be childfree. Live with partner and pets, happy with our life, many reasons why having kids is not for us. But it’s so expected by society, isn’t it?

Anyone else made/almost made the decision?

Yes I think it's quite possible that the contrary is true.
Having kids is the default and many people do it without a great deal of thought.

I'd decided by my mid 20's. Lots of reasons. I love children and enjoy working as a nanny, and really hope to foster one day. I know I won't have biological children though because:

There are more than enough people on this planet already. About 7bil too many in fact

I couldn't possibly afford to give them the opportunities I've had, never mind the ones I'd want them to have

I have shitty, shitty genes. It would be selfish to pass them on

I have no interest in having a relationship, I rather despise men

I don't have the energy or the immune system to cope with kids full time

I love animals and find pets meet most of my needs to nurture and be loved

I'm afraid of death, and losing the ones I love - why would I create someone else to be anxious for, and know they will most likely have the same fears

There's the risk I couldn't really connect with their personalities. I'm surprised how different I am from my family of origin. It would be horrible to have a child you wouldn't chose to be friends with if they were a stranger

I'm sure there are more reasons, but those are the ones at the forefront of my mind.

Haha, how have I failed to grasp the point?!
I just think you've got your letters the wrong way round 😉

I think I wanted to have children for selfish reasons, to fulfill something in me. I think that was wrong. I wish I could be a mother that had them for their own sake.
I think children can break and make you just as not having them can.
But I never regret having them though, after fertility struggles to try to be a mum was my mission.
But I know young ones who are very content with not planning families -I really respect that clarity. It would be hard to determine what is biology and what is encultured.
But we do need young people to look after the swelling ranks of the aged globally. Governments can increase the birth rate with incentives if they want to. But what gov ever plans for the future?

It’s natural to have doubts, especially if you’re prone to being a worrier! Whatever path in life you take, you say goodbye to another option - whether that’s deciding to have children, not have children, getting married, living in a city etc, etc.

OP, I have been where you are - I’m now 44 and settled in my decision not to have kids, although that has taken some counselling to work through my doubts. But through the counselling process, I came to realise that my doubts were what others were giving me (you won’t know a love like it, who will look after you when you’re old etc.) - it was never because I truly wanted motherhood and all that comes with it.

I am in my 50s and happily child-free. I'm not sure it was a conscious decision, but we never discussed having children, just always assumed that we wouldn't.
I did wobble a bit in my late 30s but, even then, I knew that was merely down to emotions & hormones, and that neither of those are good reasons to have a child! Taking emotion out of it, being child-free was the only logical and sensible option.

Now I am just relieved - no stress or pressure and no worry about adult children, which seems to be never-ending for some people. We just have a much better and simpler life. You don't need to do what "everyone else" does because what's right for YOU is all that matters.

I’m in my mid 50’s, child free and no regrets.
When I was in my late teens, I knew I didn’t want children but thought I’d end up having them because that was what women were supposed to do.

I married young, ex husband knew I didn’t want kids and was fine with that. I had doubts at around 30, not because Id changed my mind but because everyone seemed to be having children and my fil was pressuring me and telling me how much I’d regret not being a mum.

I can only think of two occasions where I’ve seen something, just a fleeting moment that made me think of what might have been.

I know my decision was right for me. I’m not the right temperament nor possess the confidence or correct skills to have made a good mother. All of these things came from my own mother failings So my choice has stopped the same mistakes being repeated.
From the women I know who are also child free and similar ages to me, they are all happy with their decisions.

I love my children dearly but because of my mental health struggles I should have remained child free. It's okay to not want kids and actually some people love their kids but for some reason or another regret it( most will never admit that). I think if your not 💯 sure then don't have kids. They make life a thousand times more expensive and difficult. If you had doubts and had them you may grow to resent them. 🤷‍♀️

I agree with the above. ^^

I don’t think it’s a particularly recent phenomenon either. DH and I are the only ones in our immediate families who’ve chosen to have children. Siblings range from mid-40’s to mid-50’s and they all decided to remain childfree.

Nothing to do with observing our experiences, btw, two of the three siblings are several years older than us. 😂

If you don’t want to have children, don’t.

Make sure you ask a range of ages OP. Not just middle aged people living their best life. Ask older people too if you can. 70's, 80's if you know any. Just to get an idea of people's feelings across the lifespan.

I think everyone has children to fulfil their own needs. Why else would anyone have children?

The parenting (or not) experience of people who are now in their 70s or 80s would be totally different to what would-be parents face in the 21st century, and really is irrelevant to making an informed decision today.

Personally my only teeny tiny mild regret about not having kids is who is going to get my good jewelry when I croak; I don't think my cousins' daughters would be interested, though I hope they are.

My money, should any be left, is going to Sheldrick Wildlife Trust to help the elephants.

I disagree with this because most people won't admit that they regret having their children. Also, it's harrvtk regret something that already exists, it's different to think if you knew what you know now would you do things differently, then you might find Category A differs.

You are so right, people have so many other options nowadays

I think alot of pressure is put on people to "decide".
I was very much in the camp of, if I decide to have children I will start trying then. It wasn't a decision to stay child fee so to speak, just a wait and see what I want. I never went around saying I had decided to be child free.

I did later decide I wanted them.
But it's very much not uncommon now for people to be child free, people may ask have you got kids, your response is, No.

My DB has decided to stay child free, it was not a shock, he's never really been very child friendly or wanting to be a dad. It's a non story really, he's just doesn't want them.

Thanks all for the posts, have been reading through and mulling things over. Will post more thoughts soon.

I'm always impressed by women who've chosen to be child free. I admire it, because there is still ridiculous, residual stigma attached to it. I think it's bold and shows imagination. Many people have kids largely because its what's expected, they think it will give their lives meaning etc, then they are disappointed by the reality, and / or really boring, coz they based their whole identity on being a mother.

I think "regret" is a strong word to apply to most parents. Frustration is probably a better way to describe how most feel at times, as we're pulled in so many directions and can't always do what we'd really like to. It's the "sliding doors" scenario, we make a choice and sometimes the consequences are draining/frustrating. "Regret" sounds as if the parent wishes the child didn't exist, and I personally think that's rare.

I think @cptartapp has a point about speaking to older people about their experiences too, because you're a parent to adults far longer than you are to actual children. It would be interesting to hear the views of people in their 70's, for example, some with adult children in their 30's or 40's, others who chose to be child free.

It’s honestly not as rare as you’d think. There are counsellors who specialise in it, articles about it, support groups, forums, subreddits, Facebook groups and book about it and that’s without people posting on places like mumsnet, netnums, social media and talking about it in real life. There’s a lot of parents out there who regret having a child, wouldn’t have children if they could go back in time or abandon their children. It’s just a difficult topic to discuss for everyone involved or not involved.

@Chiponyourplate That's really sad.

I know I'm lucky to have been brought up by parents who did discuss the subject, which made it easier to make my own decision without pressure. My Mum openly said that she delayed TTC until her late 30's, as she wanted to pursue her career, travel, and have relationships first. Having a family wasn't her priority and didn't define her at all - the introduction of the Pill made it much easier, of course.

You'd hope that nearly 60 years later, no one would feel societal pressures to have a family, because it's been optional for so long. I suppose society's finally catching up.

I think it depends solely on how much your husband will help, and also if you have family support. I don't think you can take others advice on this and have to decide for yourself, weighing up the pros and cons. I feel the fact you're not sure, means you probably shouldn't

It’s very sad, for the parent(s) and the child(ren) but hopefully because there is so much support and conversation around it more people will be helped. I know there’s a certain Facebook group that has really helped one of my friends. She regrets having her child and she found so much support there from people who felt the same way and from understanding people there, especially when she was being pressured to have more children by her husband and what she faced when the marriage broke down and her ex had the child the majority of the time rather than her.

Listen, having kids is hard, hard work. It's amazing too but it's tough on your body, mental health, social life, relationship, finances. If you 100% want kids then all that is worth it. If you're not sure, then it really isn't. Don't do it to keep society happy :)

I don't agree that society expects you to have kids. I don't have children and have never felt that. Most of my friends don't have children either (in our late thirties and forties) so not that unusual either.

Especially when society will never be happy anyway 😂

Put your hand up if you can search your situation on the internet and not see something slagging you off!

Childfree
Childless
1 child/2 children/more
Single mum
Blended family
Adopted
Fostered
Didn’t adopt
Didn’t foster
Tried IVF
Didn’t try IVF
Breastfed
Didn’t breastfeed

All those and more - wrong to someone! Just make sure you’re happy, that’s all you can do!