Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is having one child for primarily financial reasons selfish?

124 replies

dawoosh · 09/03/2023 19:00

We are pre-DC but I’ve been reading posts lately about one child families and can see why this choice is rising in popularity. The positives that leap out at us are:

  • More money (of course, one set of childcare fees only. We are average earners and could afford two but would impact holiday quality and other experiences life has to offer)
  • More time and energy to focus prioritise your relationship
  • More time for self
  • Ability to take DC to whatever classes and extra curricular activities they want. I imagine it would be hard if two children want to do different things at the weekend, which will inevitably happen
  • Less guilt or trying to balance your time, effort and money as you don’t need to worry about if it’s equal
  • Can give full support to them as an adult, deposit for house, driving lessons

I have a sister but never got on too well growing up or now as adults for that matter.
For every set of siblings who get along, I can think of another who don’t, so definitely no guarantee there.

When I was younger I thought I would want a large family. I am very maternal and love babies and would have 10 of them! But, babies grow up to be children and then expensive teens and adults. We also don’t have much extended family on either side and would be conscious of loneliness in adulthood, not that you can control this but family is important.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

OP posts:
RosyPie6 · 09/03/2023 19:02

No, when the time was what I thought was right for baby number 2 it wasn't financially doable. Still still isn't 8 years later. Finance was a huge factor in having a second but I'd rather be able to treat my girl than live in complete poverty.

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 19:06

It's far more selfish to have multiple children you can't afford. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a single child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Bekindbekind · 09/03/2023 19:06

My opinion: no decision not to have children or to ‘limit numbers’ is selfish. I have two children myself and I can promise you I didn’t do so for altruistic reasons! Sadly there are no guarantees in life whichever decision you make: two children might not get along, or (tragically) might not survive or anything else might happen. So I say: make whatever decision you feel is right for you, love and care for your child or children if you have them, and hope for the best.

Zaliea · 09/03/2023 19:09

It's interesting that this type of thing is usually framed as "Is having only one child selfish?" and never "Is having more than one child selfish?"

Some only children like being only children and don't want siblings, some don't like it and do want siblings.

Some children who have siblings don't like their siblings and wish they didn't have them, some loved having siblings.

I think people have children for predominantly selfish reasons anyway - they want children/a child, so they have one... Or more.

You can argue that having an only could be selfish because you are depriving the child of a sibling, but you could also argue having a sibling would be selfish because you are taking resources and time away from the first child and gambling on then having a good relationship.

I, for one, had siblings who lived in a different home to me. I found that perfect. I enjoyed having my own room and not having to share all my things and less chaos and things just being about my wants and desires - if I wanted to do swimming on a Friday night, I could, I didn't have to go for something else because unfortunately the times clashed with my little brother's karate class or what not.

There are positives and negatives for both sides.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 19:09

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

Or you sort yourself out so your child isn't burdened. I would never expect DD to look after me and have taken measures to ensure she never has to.

Mushroo · 09/03/2023 19:12

We’re currently TTC and aiming to be one and done pretty much for financial reasons.

I honestly don’t understand how people afford more than one (and we’re good earners), and why people don’t seem to consider it.

We have factored in that we’d like to be able to do the following (some are non- negotiable like childcare!).

Figures are over the life of a child

childcare - £1000pcm for 2 years = c.24k
wraparound care for primary school = £10k (ish)
Extra person on holiday = £36k (£2k per year for 18 years)
extracurriculars = £10k (how long is a piece of string)
driving lessons = £1k
Uni top up = £15k

Thats £100k without day to day living costs, transport to school, clothes, help with a house deposit, haircuts, days out.

We couldn’t afford two without stripping back on holidays and extra curriculars, and I think those kinds of things are important.

toomuchlaundry · 09/03/2023 19:12

@SO224350 my DB was nowhere to be seen whilst DF was dying with cancer and he is still nowhere to be seen as my DM is starting to need more help. No guarantees siblings will shoulder the burden equally

CharmedUndead · 09/03/2023 19:14

You cannot predict the future on this one. So make the right choice for yourselves in the moment.

Also, have the first before worrying about the second! You may have one child and adore the experience so much that you want to expand your family. Or the opposite. Finances may improve or worsen.

Not all siblings get along. Many are not close either in childhood or adulthood. Many are best friends for life.

Not all children care for elderly parents. Not all parents live to be elderly.

Not all marriages last, so siblings might happen in blended families.

Any number of children is a selfish decision. Arguably, the more you have, the more selfish the decision.

There's too many variables and no right choice. Except the one that seems best to you at the time.

PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 19:15

I have 3 kids but one has moved out and the other is at uni most of the year. The youngest is enjoying being the only child at home. 😁

PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 19:16

I don't think it's selfish at all. Most people plan their families around finances and practicalities and your child can have a wonderful life as an only child.

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/03/2023 19:17

I have 3 but would have had more had financies allow. We didn't have much extra money when they were little as I was a sahm but they did have everything they needed and a summer holiday every year. We are more comfortably off now I'm back at work and they're older. I couldn't imagine only having one.

Butterfly44 · 09/03/2023 19:18

Easy to say pre kids!! Wait till you have one then decide. I have two. They have a good relationship and are there for each other. I'm glad they'll have each once I'm no longer on this earth! It's the shared history, growing up, family. Granted all families are so different!

SomePosters · 09/03/2023 19:18

I was an only and never wished for siblings

my kids is an only and is fully aware and supportive of me getting my tubes tied!

The only time I’ve wished it was otherwise was during the pandemic when we were not allowed to mix with other families but even then I felt having an only and needing to meet all her social and play needs (as well as everything else!) was better than having two kids trapped in the house who fought all the time

SomePosters · 09/03/2023 19:20

I could never have taken multiples on all the travelling and trips we do.

I would just be a dinner making, clothes washing service droid!

Mutabiliss · 09/03/2023 19:21

I'm an only child and I've never been bothered about having a sibling. I have an only myself and am horrified by the sheer level of noise at multi-child houses, because I'm not used to it.

If you haven't had a baby yet you can't know you like them. There's a huge difference between looking after someone else's and the relentlessness of having your own. Just see how things go.

vincettenoir · 09/03/2023 19:22

We have one dc and atm believe it’s the right choice for us to stay at one. One thing I bear in mind is that I am keen for my dd to have other children to play with so take her to lot of classes / organise playdates etc.

The people I know who are only children usually seem to grow up with really close friends so I am hopeful that will be the same for her.

LesserBohemians · 09/03/2023 19:22

iusedtobeasize8 · 09/03/2023 19:17

I have 3 but would have had more had financies allow. We didn't have much extra money when they were little as I was a sahm but they did have everything they needed and a summer holiday every year. We are more comfortably off now I'm back at work and they're older. I couldn't imagine only having one.

Well, on the same note, I couldn’t imagine being a SAHM. We all have different priorities.

bagelbagelbagel · 09/03/2023 19:23

This gets asked about once a week on here so clearly not.

minipie · 09/03/2023 19:23

Choosing the number of children based on what you can afford and what will give your whole family a good quality of life is sensible. Not selfish.

For environmental reasons I’d argue more children equals more selfish.

Emmamoo89 · 09/03/2023 19:23

I can't afford to have a second child but will be trying in October. You make it work and putting money away

shouldhavetakenmorenotice · 09/03/2023 19:24

If your entire reason for having one child is that you prefer triangles to squares, and your partner agrees - it's no one else's business.

This idea of having to have more than one kid so they can share the burden of you being old is ridiculous, as many of us with lazy arse siblings know all too well.

Aozora13 · 09/03/2023 19:24

I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it’s sensible. You’re right that sometimes siblings get on and sometimes they don’t. And for all the “sharing the burden of caring for elderly parents”, there’s situations like mine where my sibling has ASD and I’ll have to care for them as well as our elderly parents. So no guarantees. I have 3 DC btw but I think there’s a lot to be said for one and done!

Mutabiliss · 09/03/2023 19:24

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

Or alternatively, you've no-one to resent and disagree with over elderly parents' care. My uncle who moved abroad aged 25 wasn't much use to my dad when dealing with their elderly parents.

kikisparks · 09/03/2023 19:25

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 19:09

Or you sort yourself out so your child isn't burdened. I would never expect DD to look after me and have taken measures to ensure she never has to.

Show quote history

I agree with this, I’ve not taken the measures yet though, do you mind sharing what steps you’ve taken?

Swipe left for the next trending thread