Is having one child for primarily financial reasons selfish?

[dawoosh]

We are pre-DC but I’ve been reading posts lately about one child families and can see why this choice is rising in popularity. The positives that leap out at us are:

• More money (of course, one set of childcare fees only. We are average earners and could afford two but would impact holiday quality and other experiences life has to offer)
• More time and energy to focus prioritise your relationship
• More time for self
• Ability to take DC to whatever classes and extra curricular activities they want. I imagine it would be hard if two children want to do different things at the weekend, which will inevitably happen
• Less guilt or trying to balance your time, effort and money as you don’t need to worry about if it’s equal
• Can give full support to them as an adult, deposit for house, driving lessons

I have a sister but never got on too well growing up or now as adults for that matter.
For every set of siblings who get along, I can think of another who don’t, so definitely no guarantee there.

When I was younger I thought I would want a large family. I am very maternal and love babies and would have 10 of them! But, babies grow up to be children and then expensive teens and adults. We also don’t have much extended family on either side and would be conscious of loneliness in adulthood, not that you can control this but family is important.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

It's not selfish, it's your decision to make based on whats best for your family. We have three and we pondered the financial impact of a third, but decided on balance that we could still afford to give them the kind of life we wanted - when we were pondering my mum asked me whether id would have preferred they didnt have my younger sister and instead we went on fancier holidays and more meals out instead and it was a resounding no - but you only know what you know.

Yes we would have more disposable income if we only had one, but on that basis we'd have more disposable income if we had none - it is just whatever works for you, definitely not selfish.

My DP and I spent the first 6 years of my DD’s life answering the inevitable question of ‘’when are you having another? that age gap is bigger!’’. In all honesty, it’s something we never really sat down to discuss… until we had a contraception fail followed by a positive pregnancy test at the start of this year. As irresponsible as it was of us to not sit down and have the conversation SOONER, it opened the floor for that discussion.

Just some background in to our current circumstances:

Both working full time, finances are as stable as they can be in this climate. Running two cars (necessary for work). Debt more or less paid off, just the usual contractual bits and pieces (some that we could cut back on if needed). Disposable income left to take some trips, a meal out here and there and cover the cost of personal hobbies. We’re not well off by any means, we stick to a very rigid budget. We’re also not afraid to spend money on the things we enjoy.

Here’s how our conversation went…

• He presumed I wanted another child.
• I presumed he wanted another child.
• We both held this perception as once upon a time (pre DD), we often discussed having lots of children.

So we made a pros and cons list.

We started by working out finances - a complete five year projection. From experience, those first five years are the most expensive. We are aware of where we could cut costs - mainly material goods for a newborn/baby. Half of the stuff we purchased when DD was born was extravagant and unnecessary, but we were swept up in excitement and trends at the time.

We also looked in to where costs had risen (childcare, petrol, food costs etc). As mentioned above, we are not financially ‘struggling’ but we established that there would be certain things that would have to go to make room for additional savings and costs. This included some of DD’s clubs and classes. We spend around £150 per month on Rainbows, Taekwondo, Gymnastics and Swimming. Excessive, but DD has mobility issues and these things all help. This doesn’t include the cost of her uniforms and supplies. We pay those as and when needed.

Other things we considered:
• Our family and support system are great and I’m not ashamed to admit, me and DP love some child-free time. DD is often visiting grandparents etc, giving us the well deserved time to focus on our relationship. The reality is, family are way more able/excited to look after DD for a weekend here and there. 2 though? Probably not so much.
• Career. This time around, my maternity pay would be MUCH better than when DD was born. But on the other hand, I’m climbing my way up the ladder quickly and our income is increasing drastically as a result. We both agreed that DP could afford to take some time off instead. But would I be able to ignore the inevitable guilt that comes with that? Of course, that comes down to personal preference but for me… it’s questionable.
• The state of the world. As much as we ignore the news and understand that 90% of it is a complete farce, the world does currently feel like a really scary place to bring a new baby in to.
• DD has some medical issues that are being investigated. She takes a lot of time off of school due to prolonged sickness and hospital appointments. This is on top of the general colds and bugs kids pick up. To put it in perspective, her attendance is currently sitting at 68%. That equals a lot of time off work. I’m not sure how we would manage that x2.
• We live in a small 2 bed house. It would be fine if we had another girl but if not, later down the line, would mean we would probably have to look at a bigger property. We love our home and the area we live in.
• Mental health. I know from experience that I’m very prone to post-natal depression and depression in general. I’ve worked really hard (physically and mentally) to get myself in to a great place to show up for myself and DD. It has taken A LOT. The truth is, I was absolutely horrified to find myself in that situation.

It’s safe to say DP and I both breathed a sigh of relief when we realised we were both on the same page…

Ultimately, we decided that we don’t want another child. We’ve not made that decision because one child families are rising in popularity, it was purely based off of our own circumstances. We therefore opted for a termination. We both knew it was the right decision to make - although we were only very early, we both felt an immense sense of relief.

We were worried about the other things - DD’s loneliness, the burden we may put on her at some point. We’re lucky to have lots of other children in our family that she is growing up alongside. We both have life insurance, savings, a will and contingency plans for the uncontrollable things. The reality is, none of us really know what life is going to throw at us and if these things were justifiable reasons to have more than one child, you could argue none of us should be having children at all.

I’m a firm believer that it all comes down to personal preference and circumstance.

I would never say this in RL but when I consider how much is expected of children as their parents age and how difficult it must be to have no siblings, I do think I wouldn't wish it upon a child if I could manage two reasonably. There will be many people telling you they don't like their siblings but plenty can't imagine life without them and rely on the support of extended family.

My dad was an only child. He never wanted for siblings as he had 2 cousins really close in age that were always together.

I think the hardest thing was for my grandma when he passed away. Im not sure if it would be easier if she had more than one. She has got her grandchildren. But she has said once that she feels like there is no one to bury her when she dies. Obviously not true, but I guess the bond with a child is stronger than a grandchild. Since he died 14 years ago I feel like she is just waiting to join him.

We have one through choice - financial reasons are a big one.

We also get time to ourselves as grandparents find it easier to look after 1.

Childcare costs mean one was easier - we can devote all our time to getting her to clubs activities and afford holidays and days out. Our house and car are smaller too because we don't need as much space.

I'm one of 3 and husband 1 of 2. We don't all get on with our siblings so it's not a given that having another would mean they get along.

Our child occasionally asks for a sibling but we've always said we can't have another one and they have accepted it now. We have also explained that a sibling would mean less days out, less time with mum or dad etc.

I know many families with 3 or 4 children and to be honest I'm aghast at how they afford it, still manage to work and are how they can still be slightly sane.

Those saying it's not fair for onlys to deal with elderly parents - I hope that we make arrangements that we don't pressure our child into feeling like they have to look after us. I hope that would have been the case whether we had 1 or 4 children.

We've done this. Nether me nor dh speak to our siblings much maybe once a year and they all live abroad so no one will be helping us with parents anyway.
Our dc is in a top school, we have a beautiful home nice cars. holidays. pay for help. All because we don't have a second.
I don't think we're selfish. Because we devote most of our time to our dc they really enjoy being with us. They're 10 now and say they love being with us the most out of everything they do.
We have a constant stream of play dates so they're rarely lonely. We often pay for their friends to go places with them because it's still cheaper than having several dc
I will be putting plans in place for care for me as will dh and planning my funeral etc too to ensure I am less of a burden one day to dc. Perhaps they will move abroad who knows. I love having an only and they are more than happy enough so far.

I hope that we make arrangements that we don't pressure our child into feeling like they have to look after us. I hope that would have been the case whether we had 1 or 4 children.

You may not pressure them, I'm sure you wouldn't, but it is still a huge responsibility to know your parents are ageing and becoming more fragile. You would need to check into a home at a very early stage or have an absolute packet to pay for a live in companion to completely ease children's minds in the later years. Realistically one child has a heavy burden as the parent might know/believe they're fine but there is no one to discuss it with and often parents don't realise if they need help.

I will be really sad if ds is my only child. I always wanted a brother or sister and I dread the day I have to deal with my parents old age/illness/care homes/death by myself and I really, really don’t want to put my ds in that same position!

This.

Bar being an unpaid surrogate mother, all reasons for having/not having children are selfish.

Yes you're right. My priority was looking after my pre school children

This, real story of so many families!

That's the opposite of selfish. Having the number of children that you can afford is the only sensible thing to do for your child/ren and for yourself.

It's very responsible to decide to have zero or one child. The world is over-populated, jobs are being taken over by technology, the planet is screaming out for help, people work until they're older and there's a strong likelihood that there will be some kind of worldwide conflict at some point soon. Why would anyone bring a child into that?

This happens when there are siblings too though. I have 2, my sister went N/C years ago and my brother lives far away. The burden of elderly parents will be on my shoulders as I live near them and we are very close.

i Get so much joy from seeing my 2 laughing, reminiscing on holidays and memories of things we did. The joke around and my oldest will take the youngest to the park and look after her. I just think it’d be boring for an only child.

If you can only afford all the things you’ve listed for 1 child then I think it’s more selfish to have 2.

Im from a big family and have a big family myself so I’m in no way against them but I think if more people were honest with themselves about what they could afford, there would be many less stressed people in the world.

What CalmBeforeStorm01 said is exactly right.

It's very responsible to decide to have zero or one child. The world is over-populated, jobs are being taken over by technology, the planet is screaming out for help, people work until they're older and there's a strong likelihood that there will be some kind of worldwide conflict at some point soon. Why would anyone bring a child into that?

I completely agree. Plus the ever rising financial pressures on all of us and these successive Tory governments providing ever less financial help for families and cutting funds to public services like hospitals and schools all the time. We don’t have any family help and we live in a high cost housing part of the country. We can’t afford to more than one.

We will both need to work till we drop as it is. Plus I don’t know how we would stretch our parenting any further than one child, our families each have some health issues of the kind that really need support into adulthood.

Two affected children would be awful for all of us as it’s quite clear they wouldn’t be able to get sufficient care from the state and we wouldn’t be able to provide it ourselves to a good level for two. Also relationships are hard going even without additional needs and we can’t assume we would stay together forever. Nobody can know the future.

So we cut our cloth. I have less than no regrets about that, our one DC is happy and I sleep a lot sounder at night knowing we’ve done all we can to reduce us just hoping for the best. That is not going to be enough to help us care for several kids in future.

That's what YOU think though. I'll be honest I've thought the same and I've asked my cousin the same as she is an only. My cousin has a wonderful life and an excellent social life. I find only people the ones I know are extroverted and mix with others well. My Son is an only and he has a good life and attends lots of places.

We holiday with just the 2 of us. He's actually a popular kid. So it's not always the case..

Not reproducing comes with issues also. Not to mention its unrealistic.

It's fine. If you want to be parents then have the first one and see how you feel. It's difficult to know in advance. No one really has children for selfless reasons, so just do what seems best for you.

I have an only , me and DH would are at the stage where we could comfortably afford another but there would be a huge age gap 10 years (we had DD young). DD loves being an only child she likes time out from other children, my friend recently had a baby with similar age gap and DD said I hope you're not going to do that. It would probably be too much of an adjustment now the only time I felt a bit guilty was during lockdown.

My DD also is so extroverted , she puts herself out there she always makes loads of friends when we go away. The only negative is I always consider whether the hotel will have lots of children we absolutely cannot holiday outside of school holidays.

The reason there are so many threads on this is because there are still ridiculous, negative stigmas around only children stemming from a psychological idea eons ago. As a society the perfect family of 4 is in our faces continuously through the media etc. however it’s estimated that around 50% of families in the UK have only one child. This number is much larger in other countries where having more than one is considered out the box. The ‘one and done’ movement is projected to grow in popularity even more now as it’s increasingly difficult to buy property, fund child care etc. people also just have different priorities now than creating that ‘perfect’ family unit at the expense of their money, free time, mental health etc. So no, absolutely it isn’t selfish. Only children will make close connections with friends, classmates, other family members throughout their lives. A child doesn’t need a sibling.

Can I ask why you can't holiday out of school holidays?

I'm a single parent and I am 1 of 4 siblings myself. I don't have the confidence nor the personality my Son does even my own mother says DS is not like me! I think sometimes we all create a picture about only children it's an illusion though it's like a pity party! It's based upon sheer assumption the majority of the time.

I have been travelling since DS was 18 months the old from long haul destinations to short and we go out of school holidays. I do plan holidays well I look for a hotel with a waterpark, kids club and there has always been kids for him to play with. Splash world's, holiday village and Magic life's usually have excellent reviews. It's world wide so not everyone's kids have holidays at the same time.

I've met married mums on holiday by themselves because the DH is away working lots of reasons why you could be doing it solo with your child. I don't want to be a stereotype or anybody feeling sorry for us so I always make the effort.

And that can happen if there's more than one child. DH's brother moved away and rarely visited once their Mum went into a home and stopped paying for him to visit. DH did everything and his brother refused to help him, even though he could have easily done it.