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Original poster

Is having one child for primarily financial reasons selfish?

124 replies

dawoosh · 09/03/2023 19:00

We are pre-DC but I’ve been reading posts lately about one child families and can see why this choice is rising in popularity. The positives that leap out at us are:

  • More money (of course, one set of childcare fees only. We are average earners and could afford two but would impact holiday quality and other experiences life has to offer)
  • More time and energy to focus prioritise your relationship
  • More time for self
  • Ability to take DC to whatever classes and extra curricular activities they want. I imagine it would be hard if two children want to do different things at the weekend, which will inevitably happen
  • Less guilt or trying to balance your time, effort and money as you don’t need to worry about if it’s equal
  • Can give full support to them as an adult, deposit for house, driving lessons

I have a sister but never got on too well growing up or now as adults for that matter.
For every set of siblings who get along, I can think of another who don’t, so definitely no guarantee there.

When I was younger I thought I would want a large family. I am very maternal and love babies and would have 10 of them! But, babies grow up to be children and then expensive teens and adults. We also don’t have much extended family on either side and would be conscious of loneliness in adulthood, not that you can control this but family is important.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 09/03/2023 19:25

I had two as am from a small family and didn’t want DC to be alone in the world one day. My kids don’t have any cousins. I think there are things you can cut back on the make 2 work financially. The main payout is childcare nursery fees. If you stagger the age gap to where the oldest turns 3 and gets funding is helpful. Child minders at often cheaper than nurseries also.
toys and clothes can be passed on to the next child, food is often sold in a format that is more suitable for 4 then 3, look around for clubs and after school activities. Often ones linked to the school are cheaper.
to go bowling as a family of 4 is the same price as 3 separate tickets
i honestly don’t think my second has cost me that much more than having 1.

bookworm14 · 09/03/2023 19:27

This topic keeps on coming up on here. You will hear from happy and unhappy only children, from happy parents of one child, those who wanted more kids but couldn’t have them, and those who are happy with more than one. There is no correct answer - all you can do is what feels right for your own family. For what it’s worth, I am the parent of one child largely by choice and am happy with the decision.

PandasAreUseless · 09/03/2023 19:30

Having one is selfish. Having two is selfish. Having none is selfish.
You're doing what you want.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
EarringsandLipstick · 09/03/2023 19:31

I couldn't imagine planning my DC around finances (as in, before having them). But it's very sensible.

It's entirely individual. For me, I always wanted several DC, if I could have them. I ideally would have had 4. I have 3.

I am a single parent, abusive ex. My DC are teens & pre-teens. It's really hard. I had no idea how expensive they would be - just for basic living, not even considering all the 'extra' costs!

Of course I wouldn't change it at all. But I do appreciate that considering how you plan your family based on finances makes a lot of sense.

I think you can't really know until you have 1 DC; it's something that's very hard to decide in a hypothetical context.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/03/2023 19:33

Not remotely selfish. Single children are fine.

I spent the better part of my childhood wishing I could return to the pristine days of being an only child. Damn those Johnny-come-lately usurpers! 😉

Hotvimto3 · 09/03/2023 19:33

Not at all

RandomUsernameHere · 09/03/2023 19:39

Not at all, I'd say it was the opposite of selfish if anything

Jux · 09/03/2023 19:41

Not selfish.

You'll question the decision whatever.

Whatames · 09/03/2023 19:50

Do what is right for you. I have 4 kids —but have never really hankered after the expensive things in life. Kids are all well dressed, neat and tidy. Even when I had one I never really liked big day out type things like theme parks. We do take them but not too often—but I don’t feel like we/them are missing out. Best days are just simple stuff: working as a family in the garden, having a fire, going thr beach. We love holidays in the lakes and dales hiking and walking. We’ll probably save taking them abroad to resort type places until they are teens. These were the things we liked before we had kids though so it doesn’t feel like we are depriving ourselves or them. If I loved going on holiday abroad and having more money and time I would definitely have made different choices. We are really lucky our kids get on but know some families where thr siblings argue like cat and dog and it’s really hard. Do what is right for you..there is no right way to do it…don’t do what is expected do what makes you happy

Immychops · 09/03/2023 19:51

I personally don't understand why so many people have more than one, especially when they can't afford it.
Seems crazy to me.
One child to pay for, grandparents happy to have her overnight because it's only her, so more couples time for us, only one child to worry about taking to clubs etc.

It's a no brainer. I imagine many, many couples have more than one because it's the done thing, not because it's the right thing.

I'm one of three and would have loved to be an only.

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 09/03/2023 19:55

No its not. More people should do this tbh, instead of moaning 24/7 about “the
kids”.

Be realistic and plan your future elder/disabled years. It often falls to ONE child anyway with no help from lazy twat brothers (yes i am bitter!).
siblings can suck!

roseopose · 09/03/2023 19:55

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

My mum has a sister who lives abroad and is rarely around to help care for their dad. My own sister also lives abroad and won't be around to care for our mum in the way I no doubt will have to. I think often elderly care falls unequally to children either due to differing senses of duty, time or location.

AviMav · 09/03/2023 19:56

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

I think it goes this way when you have siblings also. My mums 1 of 3 yet she has predominantly done all the donkey...Her brother is the worst he never could be arsed at the best of times.

I guess the void of when both parents pass away is something that crosses my mind as I have an only... but you have your kids based on circumstances and life just goes that way sometimes.

Lcb123 · 09/03/2023 19:58

Not selfish - very sensible. And a better choice for the planet. Why not just see what happens with kids,’find it odd people plan how many kids to have.

Twizbe · 09/03/2023 19:58

Having children or not having them is always a selfish decision. We have families or we don't have them for our own reasons and not for anyone else.

Your reasons for stopping at one are very sensible and rational. I know lots of single child families. Some are for financial reasons, some for biological reasons, all happy as far as I can tell.

All I will say is don't discount emotions from this decision. We can be as rational as we like but then the broody hormones kick in and another baby arrives.

FWIW I have two, but after a long infertility journey, I had made peace with only having one if needed.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/03/2023 20:00

SO224350 · 09/03/2023 19:04

The only downside I suppose, is that the child will have to shoulder the burden of when you are elderly.

My father has this with my nan, and he was one of 3 children.

Axahooxa · 09/03/2023 20:02

All the parents of multiples are raising at least one eyebrow… the best laid plans…

tiggergoesbounce · 09/03/2023 20:03

Having one is no more selfish than having 3 if that's what you "want".

If you have sensibly weighed up what's best for the child and your family, that's not selfish, thats sensible.

Aftjbtibg · 09/03/2023 20:06

All of your reasons are very sensible and valid. The only thing I would say is that my experience of having a significantly older child who was an only child for most of her primary years and now having two younger children that when you just have one you have to provide far more entertainment, play and activities whereas with our two ones close in age they entertain each other a lot and it means that when we’re on holiday for example it’s actually easier than it was with just one.

RandomMess · 09/03/2023 20:14

Having any child is selfish.

Have a many as you are personally comfortable with supporting financially and emotionally.

There is nothing wrong with have just one child, I don't understand why anyone thinks there is!

Ragwort · 09/03/2023 20:21

I agree with Random surely having one, two or six children is 'selfish'? Does anyone really decide to have a child purely for the sole reason of producing a future tax payer? Hmm.

We have an only DC by choice, we could have afforded another ... but had absolutely no interest in having more than one DC. There are pros and cons to every decision.. and yes, absolutely agree with PPs that having more than one does in no way guarantee that the care of elderly parents is 'shared'.

Moonicorn · 09/03/2023 20:21

Hmmmmm. The ‘only child’ thing is pretty complicated. I do believe children are generally ‘better off’ with a sibling(s), if only because that seems to be the consensus among adult only children (see threads on here) - most wish they had a brother or sister.

BUT if a second child would push the parents over the edge in some way, rather than just being a ‘bit stressful’ in the way any children are, then I firmly believe happy parents are more valuable than a sibling.

I’m not sure about ‘financially’. We’re a bit skint - not in debt but not much left at the end of the month - and I’m 35 weeks with number 2. To me, family bonds and a playmate for DD was something that you can’t put a price on, so I’m determined to do it even if it means things will be a bit tight for another few years.

HoleyShit · 09/03/2023 20:22

We have one primarily for the following reasons

Hated pregnancy
Shit birth
PND
husband worked away loads
No family help
High needs baby who then became a right old handful as a toddler

However, as time has gone on I am very thankful we stopped at one because -

I love my sleep and I get plenty of it
We are high earners but can now afford to work part time and pay for private school
More time to devote to him
I can only cope with the organisation of one child
More time to focus on ourselves and our hobbies
Life is just simpler with one

BelindaBears · 09/03/2023 20:26

I’m one of 4 and would have much preferred to be an only child with more money in the family. I have little relationship with my siblings now and am currently dealing single handedly with my mother being terminally ill because the rest of them do fuck all. Have more children if you want them. Don’t have them for some notion of them having a close relationship as children or adults or on the assumption any of them will do anything when you’re elderly.

Cornelious2011 · 09/03/2023 20:31

I have one dc (ivf) and couldn't have anymore/chances of success later were too great to be worth the gamble. I never thought I'd have just one as I'm the most maternal person in my family/amongst friends (they all say so too). I work with kids too.

My dc is 11 and yes op like you said 'it's the ultimate life hack'. I have a happy , content sociable dd. We have enough money for many more kids but hey ho! I have a fab career, work part time, tto. We have 5 holidays a year and I have endless babysitters (easy to get one minded). I did carry a lot of guilt about not giving dd a sibling (she asked a few times but stopped at age 6 when she understood mummys tummy couldn't have more). She now frequently says she loves being an only child. We have a ddog though who although not comparable to a child the dog does take some of the attention, lots of consideration and planning so her needs have had to take a back seat at times.

Overall I'm extremely grateful for how my life turned out, even though my 25 year old self wouldn't have chosen it.

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