Is having one child for primarily financial reasons selfish?

[dawoosh]

We are pre-DC but I’ve been reading posts lately about one child families and can see why this choice is rising in popularity. The positives that leap out at us are:

• More money (of course, one set of childcare fees only. We are average earners and could afford two but would impact holiday quality and other experiences life has to offer)
• More time and energy to focus prioritise your relationship
• More time for self
• Ability to take DC to whatever classes and extra curricular activities they want. I imagine it would be hard if two children want to do different things at the weekend, which will inevitably happen
• Less guilt or trying to balance your time, effort and money as you don’t need to worry about if it’s equal
• Can give full support to them as an adult, deposit for house, driving lessons

I have a sister but never got on too well growing up or now as adults for that matter.
For every set of siblings who get along, I can think of another who don’t, so definitely no guarantee there.

When I was younger I thought I would want a large family. I am very maternal and love babies and would have 10 of them! But, babies grow up to be children and then expensive teens and adults. We also don’t have much extended family on either side and would be conscious of loneliness in adulthood, not that you can control this but family is important.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

Friends are not usually there - may sometimes be present but the majority of the time they'll be with their families. It's not unusual for a thread to be on MN complaining that another parent (with an only child) is asking for too many playdates and while the trips and opportunities are wonderful, the amount of time the child is spending out of family life is becoming a burden. The problem is how to say no.

Sorry your dp got unlucky in his sibling. I didn't say it never happens but it's not the usual experience. There's usually some love there.

No shared care doesn't always work. Did anyone imply it always works. Nevertheless it's generally easier to share the responsibility and discuss the situation with someone else.
It would be a sad kind of society if this wasn't the case most of the time. Siblings who don't like each other and who are no support to each other are probably over represented on threads like these but there are many more who care for and appreciate each other.

I do love my sibling and didn’t say I can’t see the point of them as a person in their own right. I’m allowed to talk about my own experience and say that my childhood would have been fine if I didn’t have a sibling without you being very rude and labelling me as harsh and cold. You seem to see things in a very black and white way, the world is more nuanced than that. But if someone doesn’t love their sibling or get on with them they should be allowed to share that experience too without you shutting them down.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

This makes it sounds like having one child is easy. It isn't. At least, not in my experience. But nor does my only long for a brother/sister. He has no experience of it and is perfectly happy on his own.

No, it's responsible. I don't understand why people have children if they can't afford to look after them. Children are both a privilege and a responsibility, not a right.

It's not though. Of course some might find it boring, but generally I think only children are very content on their own. I enjoy my own company and could always keep myself amused, as a child and an adult. I find being by myself relaxing and often choose to do activities on my own.

It is far more selfish to have children you struggle to afford and/or parent properly.

Definitely don't have another child so they have 'help' when you're older. The reality is often very, very different. It seems to be 50:50 at best whether siblings even have much of a true relationship when they grow up let alone share the responsibility of older parents equally.

One of my children in particular is an extrovert and would struggle horribly as an only child,

Dd is an only child and fairly extrovert. As an only child this has benefited her hugely. Tbh it may also be one of the reasons she is confidently extrovert. Dh is too whereas I'm not. Dh both have siblings.

Dd has so many friends and is really happy as an only child. Though she is now a young adult at 20y. Being an only child hasnt held her back once and, tbh, being an only has obviously brought some benefits for her too - she’s had far more, opportunities available to her than if we'd have been funding two or more children growing up. She has lots of close friends, even more general friends and is very close to family members as well. She is confident, sociable, works hard at whatever she is doing, has empathy, is friendly, is happy to share/work with others, she never expects (despite being in a privileged position) and is kind. She doesn't fit the horrid and over-used 'only child' stereotype.

She has had periods of time when smaller where she’d have liked a sinking, but more time being totally happy without one. And now she says she is totally happy. She is generally far too busy with family and friends to be lovely. Besides she is also comfortable and happy to have time on her own too.

We could have thrown time, money and effort into trying to provide a sibling for her, but instead invested all that into providing dd with a wonderful enriching childhood and continue to have a fabulous time and relationship with her now she is older.

She has lots of friends who have siblings and is close friends with siblings, so it isn't like she doesn't know what sinking relationships see like - some very close, some very distant/almost non-existent and most for somewhere in between, and that it can change at different ages.

We can never really know what it would be like with or without a sibling, or what life would be like with no children, only child or several children if it's not what our current situation is.

Having a sibling can be wonderful but it can also be heart breaking and difficult. Sadly you don't know what version of a sibling relationship you will get until it happens.

We only know what we have and if that makes someone happy at that time - fabulous.

But let's not diminish the huge role that siblings play in the lives of many people.

You seem to be ignoring the huge negative role it can have to some posters though.
You have focused in,y in the positives. The poster you are quoting and replying to has said that her partner doesn't ave that. The huge role a sibling plays in his life is a negative one.

It's fab if siblings get in but this, too often at times, isn't always the case. Dh deals with wills, probate, inheritance, family legal stuff - he sees no end of sibling issues. It's really not that uncommon for siblings to play a negative part in someone's life and make life harder for them.

Dh and I are both fortunate, as we both have good relationships with our siblings. But we also know plenty who don't have that and their life would have been simpler and less stressful without their siblings.

Well if it is then I'm happy I'm selfish.

In my experience, most people benefit from having some one to grow with, share with, love and lean on - the first and most enduring person in that role is usually a sibling. That's not to say negative experiences don't exist but I think they're over represented on a thread about the joys of having only one child.

I would not dream of looking at my much loved siblings and saying my life would have been fine without them. I would be considerably poorer, know a lot less and would have had less fun.

It also happens that there are times in my life when friends could not have been wheeled in to substitute for siblings because I didn't have any, but my siblings were there. Not every only child is capable of making their own companions, especially ones who are willing to constantly come over. No expensive experience can make up for a brother who has your back in the playground or a sister who turns up with chocolate after a breakup - they may drive you mad but you can't buy family. Where my parents' care was concerned we have all had to do different bits and there was far too much for one person.

On the occasions I have an only child in the house, I've found the pressure to entertain and provide social stimulation quite exhausting - I love my children but I'm very happy for them to construct forts and play endless silly games with each other, not me!

Your first 3 words are where you could have stopped, to be honest. “In your experience”. That wasn’t my experience, or many other people’s experience. Of course I’m going to place more reliance on my own experience of frankly shit and damaging sibling relationships than on yours and make decisions about my own family accordingly.

Statistically, we’re both right because it’s not sibling relationships that determine future happiness or otherwise, or personality, or success. It’s parent-child relationships that are important.

Your last paragraph isn’t my experience either. While she’s old enough to still want to, I want to get on the floor and play forts and silly games with my daughter. I have the time and headspace to do that, because I have one child and am not stretched too thinly.

I'm afraid that's rather the point of mumsnet. A diversity of experiences! If we all stopped there, it would be a very quiet place.

I respect you had disappointing siblings but I also think it's rather a pity that you don't have some interest in doing it better in the next generation. My goal has been to take the good and learn from the bad and try to get more functional, healthy relationships for my children. If we stopped having children because our relationship with our own parents wasn't great, we'd probably die out. Instead we usually accept that life can be better and aim for that.

I'm not stretched too thinly and I'm not averse to imaginative play. But increasingly I'm aware that an adult just cannot be a child - there is a level of self forgetfulness after about seven that children can only really access with other children. My children are there constantly. It's a magical space and I don't think nice holidays make up for it. No data to back that up except a lifetime studying and working around children and creative learning. But I forgot, you're not interested in personal experience.

This whole relationship coming from your parents is a bit ridiculous. What about people who have a sibling but hated each other as kids? My collegue had this with her own sister and as adults it's the exact same.

The poor parents have done nothing wrong to either daughters. They simply just don't get on as siblings. Perhaps their mother went to work and it caused this "bond" or would both sisters have got along a lot better if their mother was a SAHM?

These reasons are rather embarrassing.

Eh?

”Disappointing” is a bit of a minimisation, given that I said “shit” and “damaging”.

I can’t be a child but I don’t need to be. Children have other children in their lives who are not their siblings. They do not need those other children to be in their house 24 hours a day to enjoy childhood, learn how to interact with other children or to grow into well adjusted, happy and successful adults. I’m sure your children will be just as happy as mine is, the difference is that I’m not suggesting my decision is superior to yours. It isn’t. But yours isn’t superior to mine and my child doesn’t need your patronising faux concern.

You had more than one child because you wanted more than one. Dressing it up as being some selfless act purely for your children’s benefit isn’t necessary, it’s perfectly ok to have more than one child because you want to.

And I said nothing whatsoever at any point about holidays, that’s your stereotyping coming out.

I didn't think you did say anything about holidays.

Nor do I think it's less selfish or more selfish to have had lots of children. I'm not concerned about your child nor pretending to be. I think you're rude and your child is probably just fine. However I do think there are often very real benefits to having siblings and on a thread where people, you know, talk, I'll discuss these. I don't care if it makes you uncomfortable. It's an important topic.

There's a difference between what children need and what's ideal. They need other children but not necessarily in the family. Is it ideal to have all your peer to peer time concentrated in play dates and sleepovers? Debatable. But I'm really not interested in how selfish you might be or otherwise - everyone has children because they want to. My impression is that childhood sibling relationships are a mixture of luck and careful management. You might be fine without them but it doesn't mean you haven't missed out. No one knows how it would work out. One of life's unknowns. Most people know they would be fine without children at all. Doesn't mean they wouldn't have missed out if they didn't have them.

No it's not selfish. We wanted to go originally for one only but he naturally pregnant with twins , still think it's easier to go just with singleton.

I was a singleton by self.

But yours planning ahead always doesn't mean what you're supposed to become if you know what I mean?

I'm not planning to have another one, not because I wouldn't want to have more children, but because having twins without family support was extremely hard, that I wouldn't trust myself to do it properly again.:(

Apologies for typos

Yes you will have more money (although if you spaced a gap 3-4 years you may not have 2 sets of fees due to the government funding Depending on how many hours you worked)
In terms of time, in a way you may have more (less general housework and life admin with one child than two) but having two especially as they get older if the gap isn't too big would mean them playing together might inadvertently give you MORE time as you won't need to constantly be the one to play with them.

I was an only child and really didn't enjoy it, so I've had two, but someone else may come along and say they liked being an only child.

There are pluses for sure in terms of financially, undivided attention etc, but IME i would have traded the gains of abit of a less privelidged lifestyle for a sibling any day.Doesn't mean every child necessarily would, especially if they have similar age cousins and friends who they see alot I guess, but I just remember the loneliness when visiting children went home, and desperately wishing for a brother or sister every birthday blowing the candles out on my cake or stirring the Xmas pudding!

But my parents were older parents so I think one was enough for them, and I did have a generally great childhood to be fair.

I remember some woman DH used to know telling me how cruel my parents were because I'm an only child. She wouldn't have it when I told her I was happy and had a good childhood. She only shut up when I said 'so it would have been better for my Mum to have died having a second child than for me to be an only child with both parents?'.

You sound quite delusional with a very narrow view of the world!

Oh for goodness sake I do dislike these threads.

Yes it is massively selfish to only have one child.

Don't you know that you should be constantly popping them out.

Even if you can't afford them

Even if your house is too small.

Even if it wrecks your body.

Even if you are harried and exhausted through having so many kids.

Even though it's bad for the environment to have lots of kids.

OP couldn't you have just done a search for similar threads.

This.

Having siblings is absolutely no guarantee that they will share the burden of looking after elderly parents!

Or you could try not opening it? The op is free to start whatever conversation she likes.