Is having one child for primarily financial reasons selfish?

[dawoosh]

We are pre-DC but I’ve been reading posts lately about one child families and can see why this choice is rising in popularity. The positives that leap out at us are:

• More money (of course, one set of childcare fees only. We are average earners and could afford two but would impact holiday quality and other experiences life has to offer)
• More time and energy to focus prioritise your relationship
• More time for self
• Ability to take DC to whatever classes and extra curricular activities they want. I imagine it would be hard if two children want to do different things at the weekend, which will inevitably happen
• Less guilt or trying to balance your time, effort and money as you don’t need to worry about if it’s equal
• Can give full support to them as an adult, deposit for house, driving lessons

I have a sister but never got on too well growing up or now as adults for that matter.
For every set of siblings who get along, I can think of another who don’t, so definitely no guarantee there.

When I was younger I thought I would want a large family. I am very maternal and love babies and would have 10 of them! But, babies grow up to be children and then expensive teens and adults. We also don’t have much extended family on either side and would be conscious of loneliness in adulthood, not that you can control this but family is important.

Is having one child the ultimate life hack or do ‘only’ children inevitably long for a brother or sister? Naturally we don’t need to make this final choice for years but I like reading others perspectives!

I did used to travel outside of school holidays , shes been to Australia and USA, Singapore , Thailand she's ok on more activity type holidays . For beach holidays it has to be school holidays In the Carribbean she went early 2 weeks before the holidays started and all the kids only spoke Russian, so she couldn't really play with them and she didn't enjoy it very much. We went to Greece last year self catering and it was fabulous she met lots of friends. I do think more about it me and DH are very introverted quite happy in our own company DD is the opposite so I have to think about her needs when we go away especially she's now a tween. When she gets to teenage years I will probably pay to bring a friend with her.

Please don't just have multiple children to take the burden off having elderly parents. My siblings have gone NC with my DM it's all my responsibility I expect it will be the same for DF. You can't mail to order your children's personality traits , only have extra children because you want them not for an extra playmate or a help when you get old. I'm glad the stigma on only children is getting less , I'm glad I was born but my parents should have never had three children they couldn't cope.

My DD’s birthday is in November and she went to nursery at 9 months old, she won’t get 30 funded hours until the January after her birthday and she’ll be in nursery until she’s almost 5 when she can go to school. She is in nursery 4 days a week. Including the 20% tax free childcare it’s £1,000 per month. That’s 29 months before she gets funded hours so that’s £29,000 before we take into account the time covered by funded hours (we’ll still have a nursery bill but it’ll be smaller) until school. Or wraparound at school.

When she gets the funded hours, rather than having another child we’re thinking we’re going to split the savings with 2/3 in savings and mortgage and 1/3 for enjoying. That obviously looks terribly selfish because we’re going to increase our pension contributions and overpay our mortgage. However, it’ll hopefully help us pay off our mortgage earlier and be in a position to help DD as she moves out/begins her career/goes to uni. Making sure we have a decent pension means that she isn’t worrying about us when she’s just trying to buy a house or perhaps raising her own family. We plan to move into a bungalow as we approach retirement which might not realise any money because of how highly sought after bungalows are but we’re making sure we are in suitable housing before we need to. Our plan is to save for our care should we need it. DD will be told that we do not expect her to care for us, we wouldn’t be able to provide care for our parents and so we do not expect her to do the same. However, that’s what the house and savings are for. If she wants those as an inheritance then she needs to do the care herself. She only needs to make that decision for herself though and not have an argument with a sibling who wants the money but can’t be arsed to do the care.

An awful lot of people who have siblings find themselves in this position too. Way more than you often expect as well.
Siblings don't always gel and aren't always supportive of one another, especially as adults.

Our dd an only, for various reasons, and we have financial plans in place for when we are older which will reduce the impact on Dd. We will never expect her to care for us in her home, or be dependent on her. We also encouraged her to be a social confident young women who, all being well, should never really be on her own as she has good social friendship groups and makes friends fairly easily.

Never have another child just to provide a sibling to share the burn or as a friend. It doesn't always work out that way.

Yes you're right. My priority was looking after my pre school children

That sounds like you think people who are not SAHMs don't prioritise their children.

@PurpleBananaSmoothie gosh, when you put it like that! That’s a lot. It’s crazy to think how much August-born must save.

Of course it's not selfish. It makes good sense to factor finances into decisions about how many children to have.

They were certainly one of the main reasons that we stopped at 2 rather than trying for a 3rd. (the other being age).

I’ve seen those with siblings bearing that burden on their own too though- actually in several cases the siblings made it worse because they didn’t lift a finger so the one doing it all felt resentful of them, and then in one case where the elderly parent has now died the siblings who did nothing still got a share of the inheritance. So it’s not a good reason to have a second child IMO because you don’t know if the experience of having elderly parents would be any better, the same or worse, plus who wants to be born purely so that their brother/ sister doesn’t have to deal with elderly parents alone.

Why would it have to be boring for a child without siblings? I didn’t spend much time with my sibling as I was a lot older and I was bored sometimes (as all children are or should be!) but usually I wasn’t bored, I played out with friends, played imaginative games with my toys for hours, drew and did crafts, read books, baked with my parents, went out to my hobbies, went to school, childminder and holiday clubs, went on day trips or to birthday parties or to visit family, rode out on my bike, went swimming with my dad, watched movies, played computer games, went for play dates and sleepovers etc etc. It was fine having my sibling, who I like as an adult but rarely see or speak to, but I also think my childhood would have been fine without them too.

Yes that can certainly happen, I agree. Most of the time, though, siblings rub along together and are a general support to each other and their ageing parents. It's certainly something to consider, along with the absence of future cousins. There are many posts on MN by people who feel utterly alone and have no one but an ageing mother etc. We become more isolated at our peril.

I wouldn't want my only child to feel like they couldn't emigrate/explore etc because their parents have no one else as family. Especially as many couples break up and undue pressure is then often put on adult children to do what a partner should have done. This happens all the time but how much worse if it was just one adult child.

Another poster made the point that they had endless babysitters as it was easy to get one child minded. Again, I think this sounds lovely for the parents but the child at home in this scenario is endlessly being babysat and not even relating to another child or investing in a life long relationship.

I don't think you can dismiss the importance of siblings on the basis that some don't get on. They are often hugely beneficial in childhood and beyond.

Wow. That's harsh.

There are multiple people on this thread saying that they know someone who shouldered the elderly parent burden alone- I don’t think it’s rare. It’s all anecdotal though, without doing some research we can’t say if most of those with siblings end up with one left to do the lions share of elderly care or if most are a general support to each other and ageing parents.

Yes there are posts on mumsnet of those who feel alone without family, but there are also posts by those treated abysmally by their siblings, and a lot of posts by stressed out mothers of multiples not enjoying their lives because they are juggling it all. There are posts about a lot of things but I don’t think they can inform our own decisions about family size which are very personal and dependent on our own circumstances.

As for not wanting an only child to feel they can’t emigrate- well if you have two and one wants to emigrate surely they may feel they can’t so that they don’t leave their sibling with this burden of elderly care mentioned. The answer surely is just don’t put the pressure on, make it clear that your child(ren) should put their own lives first and follow their dreams. It’s not a good reason to have a second IMO- “we had you so your sister could emigrate if she wants to and you’ll still be here to care for us” or “we had you so that if we split up and decide to use you as a substitute for having a partner there are two of you to split it between”.

If the issue is “endless babysitting” then just don’t do that, do more play dates and sleepovers so the child has other children to relate to. But a bit of babysitting is a good thing IMO both for the child as grandparent relationships have been shown in studies to have benefits for both the grandparents and the grandchildren but mostly it’s helpful for parents to have time together and time for themselves.

I’m not saying there aren’t benefits to siblings but there are also benefits to a single child family and IMO each family should do what’s right for them. A second (or third, fourth etc) child should always be wanted in their own right and never born just so the first child gets a sibling as firstly that’s hugely unfair on the second but also the ultimate outcomes of that are unknown.

How is it harsh?

i Get so much joy from seeing my 2 laughing, reminiscing on holidays and memories of things we did

But parents with one child still reminisce about holidays and love watching their kid playing around laughing.

The joke around and my oldest will take the youngest to the park and look after her

What age gap is there between your kids if one is babysitting the younger one?

I just think it’d be boring for an only child

I think itsl really is quite simplistic to generalise in this way.
There will obviously be those who would want a sibling and there are many who dont like having a sibling.

But where do you draw the line at providing playmates/allies for your child. I think we can all agree its a terrible idea, as it doesnt always work out that way, often siblings aren't that "support" to eachother that was hoped for.
You should only ever have another child because its wanted.

If your child wanted a sister and you had a boy, do you just keep going until they get what they want, no you draw the line as an adult and do what is best for the family.

Another poster made the point that they had endless babysitters as it was easy to get one child minded. Again, I think this sounds lovely for the parents but the child at home in this scenario is endlessly being babysat and not even relating to another child or investing in a life long relationship.

My dc has sleepovers with her same age cousins or best friends so she is developing life long relationship. Im still best friends with someone I met in nursery! We're like sisters and I see and speak to her more than my own sisters.

Agree with this. My closest friends are two friends I made in reception. I speak to them daily and I’m much closer to them than I am to my sister.

This rests on the assumption that being an only child is some terrible affliction, but it really isn't.

This happens anyway I've seen much of the time, and it's always more than possible. What if siblings move abroad but you don't? Upside being we get all the inheritance if there is one.

Only child here and I'm fine.

And the "alone in the world one day" is such a ridiculous comment that it's laughable. Are your parents the only people in your life then? I've got my own child and family, why would I be "alone?"

The complete lack of love for your sibling. I can see why you don't see the point of them! It says something about your family and your outlook. You do you but don't presume the rest of us are as cold - many people feel their siblings are too precious to be a price on and can't bear the thought of a world without them.

Still no. It's more selfish to have children just for the sake of it.

You don't have to get on with someone just because you're related to them! DH and his brother have never been close and will probably never speak again. His brother is an arsehole (I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire) so why should they have to get on?

They don't have to. But it's sad they don't when you think that siblings are the first friends you have and can be a lifelong source of friendship and love. It's that way for my parents and their siblings, myself and my siblings, my own children and my nephews. Stories of siblings not getting along may abound, but rubbing along together in a context of love is part of living. My own children have been playing together since they got up this morning. One of my children in particular is an extrovert and would struggle horribly as an only child, but I suppose he wouldn't know there was an alternative so might think he was fine without knowing how much he was missing.

There's a great temptation to underplay the value of siblings if you don't want to have more than one child. Nothing can make you have another child of course, and you shouldn't have to if you don't want to. But let's not diminish the huge role that siblings play in the lives of many people.

The only children I know are happy enough but spend quite a lot of time waiting to be included in adult conversation as they have no other children to speak to. One would definitely be much the better for a sibling to have been able to laugh with, have to share things with and take turns with. They are good at mixing but now they are grown up, they are having to think carefully about where to settle down because there is no one else to be there for their parents. They have to be there for every mother's day and every father's day, every time a next of kin conversation is needed. There is no one to share the role with. And they haven't married so I don't know how special occasions will feel over the next ten or twenty years. They did go on lovely holidays as a child but they would equally have enjoyed camping. I do think it is usually better for a child to have siblings.

I'm an only child as are several people I know and don't recognise waiting to join adult conversations when I was a child. Don't these children have friends? Sharing the role of caring for parents doesn't always work, it relies on the siblings being prepared to help and in my experience it always falls to one sibling.

There will always be certain people who you can't 'rub along' with whether they are siblings or not. DH has never been close to his brother and they will never speak again. From what I know BIL has been an arrogant arsehole all his life and will never change. And before anyone says anything I don't only have one side of the story, I've seen how BIL treated DH and I know how he's treated me.