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Original poster

DD Fucked Up - what will happen

581 replies

TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 12:44

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

OP posts:
blahblah56 · 06/03/2023 12:47

Not similar but also have teens that have made some bloody stupid mistakes that make me pull my hair out and scream "whhyyyyyy" so just wanted to send some solidarity.
They really can be assholes at times 🙈

Bimbleberries · 06/03/2023 12:55

Whose is the car in front, and isn't it up to them what they decide to do, not the BF's Mum?

ButtonSister · 06/03/2023 12:55

In regard to the circumstances do you think your daughter is being economical with the truth? Is there more to the story than she has told you?

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2023 13:00

Why will your DH rant.

you just now have to let it all play out. She made a mistake got caught and will suffer consequences

you could speak to dvla yourself

it is a lesson though that may well be a good one to learn whose consequences aren’t that bad

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 13:02

Bimbleberries · 06/03/2023 12:55

Whose is the car in front, and isn't it up to them what they decide to do, not the BF's Mum?

This did occur to me, but it was the mum who was asked about pressing charges. DD will of course cover damage.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 13:03

ButtonSister · 06/03/2023 12:55

In regard to the circumstances do you think your daughter is being economical with the truth? Is there more to the story than she has told you?

I don't think so. I might be wrong but the police did confirm that they vehicle had moved 5 feet and not more. They weren't joyriding.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 06/03/2023 13:03

I would approach it from the angle that the best strategy was to found out all details calmly before making any conclusions. I’m not entirely sure that it’s the whole truth and you have the clear picture. No offence, at least because your DD was upset. However she is alive and well, BF is the same , it’s not the end of the world. So I would have a chat with BF’s mum about what happened and with the police as well.

pandapants8 · 06/03/2023 13:05

The police issue points and fines, not the DVLA, so unless the police specifically find your DD guilty of a motoring offence and issue a penalty, the DVLA probably won't be able to do anything? They just administer the charge on behalf of the police, I believe.

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 13:06

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2023 13:00

Why will your DH rant.

you just now have to let it all play out. She made a mistake got caught and will suffer consequences

you could speak to dvla yourself

it is a lesson though that may well be a good one to learn whose consequences aren’t that bad

DH will rant because that's what he does. He is shit with stuff like this - it's another thread really - his inability to be measured and considered with his reactions. He will be furious with DD and he will rant for weeks.

I agree that consequences aren't a bad thing. There is a lot going on for her at the moment though, and i was hoping that once I have stopped being so cross with her, I might be able to at least lay out what the consequences are so she can stop panicking and spiraling about it.

OP posts:
JustSoTired23 · 06/03/2023 13:06

She may get 6 points but its going to massively affect insuring her own car when the time comes.
My db did similar many years ago and he struggled to get any insurance and when he did it was nearly. 3k!

CantFindTheBeat · 06/03/2023 13:07

Oh, OP.

I think you might be over-reacting a bit.

Yes, sounds like there will be consequences, but it's not like she chose to take it out for a drive.

She moved it forward out of curiosity and has had a really unfortunate result.

If she's not a bad kid in general I would cut her some slack. Poor girl.

Randomhead · 06/03/2023 13:07

Oh give her a break. She made a tiny mistake that turned into a big one. Poor thing.

Topseyt123 · 06/03/2023 13:07

I'd take DH aside quietly and tell him. I'd tell him too that there is no need to "hit the roof" because DD is very shocked and contrite, has learned her lesson and will be accepting any consequences imposed by the DVLA and you (no car for a long time after passing her test, possible points on her licence and maybe a ban etc.).

All he needs to do is back up what has already been said. Not make things even worse.

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 13:10

CantFindTheBeat · 06/03/2023 13:07

Oh, OP.

I think you might be over-reacting a bit.

Yes, sounds like there will be consequences, but it's not like she chose to take it out for a drive.

She moved it forward out of curiosity and has had a really unfortunate result.

If she's not a bad kid in general I would cut her some slack. Poor girl.

I have given her a massive cuddle and told her I am glad nothing happened to either of them, and I agree that there was a series of unfortunate events - if she is being completely honest - and she was quite unlucky. But I am cross with her for risking so much for so little and she does need to feel the weight of that a little - even if it means she stops and thinks next time.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/03/2023 13:10

I don’t think anyone can tell you for sure what will happen. Teens don’t have a fully developed brain! The bit that allows them to weigh up possible consequences and make a reasoned decision isn’t there until 20s. Sometimes teens sadly do dumb stuff. No one hurt. Hopefully a lesson learnt.

Doingmybest12 · 06/03/2023 13:11

Well just be pleased it was no worse and she and boyfriend learned a very hard lesson. What will be will be. Be glad she now won't be tempted to just find herself going for a little drive around the block before passing her test.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 13:11

This makes me so cross I can't properly explain.

If you're cold, GO INSIDE.

If you don't have a driving licence, DON'T SIT IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT.

What was she thinking?

For her to move the car forward and cause a 'small scratch'; there is something she is not telling you.

MedievalNun · 06/03/2023 13:12

Ah teens. I miss those days-.

Now everyone is home safe and hopefully a lot calmer, there's a couple of things you can do.

Speak to her driving instructor. They will most likely have an idea of what the DVLA is likely to do in this instance.

Find out whose car she hit, as they are the ones who will now decide what else happens, especially as they've been hit by an uninsured driver. This again will have an impact on any insurance you DD has / gets in the future, and if DVLA do issue points, and your DD is insured on any of your cars, then it will affect those premiums too.

Hopefully being brought home in the back of a police car will be enough of a punishment, but I can understand your DH losing it. In ours, DH would be calm and I'd hit the roof, mainly from shock / relief it's not something worse / wtf did you do something so daft? but then calm down.

Sending you a hug and some 🌺as I have a feeling you need them.

LadyHarmby · 06/03/2023 13:12

All sounds a bit dramatic, people spiralling and others ranting.

She made a small mistake, she will pay the price which will probably be an actual price - to pay for the damage and an increase in insurance premiums. That’s it and she’s learnt a lesson. No need for hysterics all over the place.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 13:12

Any future insurance will be huge now.

saveforthat · 06/03/2023 13:13

ButtonSister · 06/03/2023 12:55

In regard to the circumstances do you think your daughter is being economical with the truth? Is there more to the story than she has told you?

This.

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 13:13

JustSoTired23 · 06/03/2023 13:06

She may get 6 points but its going to massively affect insuring her own car when the time comes.
My db did similar many years ago and he struggled to get any insurance and when he did it was nearly. 3k!

Was your DB charged with anything first? I am just noting @pandapants8 post and am now confused. The police said that they weren't pressing charges but they had to 'notify' DVLA. So not sure what that means?

OP posts:
TheDanceOfTheTomato · 06/03/2023 13:14

Trying to guess the consequences may not be useful, tbh. Just because you won't be sure until you know for sure - iyswim.

It might be better to focus on how good it is to be honest and face up to the consequences. And to look at understanding and accepting the mistake and learning from it.

Whatever the consequences, they will be temporary and so she will be able to move past this, in time.

pizzaHeart · 06/03/2023 13:14

I take my words back, you are sure that it’s the whole truth, then this is it, you know your daughter.
Were there any stupid mistakes in DH’s past ? Might be a good time to make a list and remind him.

pizzaHeart · 06/03/2023 13:15

Could you have a chat with the police saying that you want them to explain the consequences?

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