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Original poster

DD Fucked Up - what will happen

581 replies

TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 12:44

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

OP posts:
bhiffandcip · 16/03/2023 22:06

the BF is the one who's responsible to his Mum for getting the car damaged.

How is anyone working this out from what happened? The op's DD sat in the driver's seat and she drove the car. Not the boyfriend

Blort · 16/03/2023 22:41

bhiffandcip · 16/03/2023 22:06

the BF is the one who's responsible to his Mum for getting the car damaged.

How is anyone working this out from what happened? The op's DD sat in the driver's seat and she drove the car. Not the boyfriend

The daughter is a stranger to that woman.

The boyfriend let DD sit in drivers seat, allowed car to be on, and probably knew DD was going to drive forwards and didnt say "Dont do that".

If my son had a house party and some people trashed the house - my son would hold some responsibility even though he didn't do any damage.

mathanxiety · 16/03/2023 23:05

That neighbour must absolutely hate the BF.

What is the BF's mother's take on all of this?

doritstew · 16/03/2023 23:56

It'll be one of these things that come to nothing.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/03/2023 00:24

*Typical, more scorn for her than the one who did something very foolish.

This coddling mindset prevalent in this thread is a joke in all honesty*

Yeah, I scorn some meddler who videos two perfectly innocent young people getting into a car and talking - note 'sitting there for ages' ... what was she hoping for? Some good footage of some rumpy pumpy?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/03/2023 00:32

To note - yes she got her action shot - but why start filming in the first place and leave the video running for ages?

Kennykenkencat · 17/03/2023 04:55

Had the neighbour got something wrong with them that they didn’t recognise the person who lives across the road.

Is the neighbour a mumsnetter who thinks the Dd should have a record and have the full weight of the law thrown at her over a a stupid mistake and has set about trying to make sure that the Dd damn well doesn’t get away with anything.

This person must really hate bf’s family and have so little going on in their lives that they have to resort to being a peeping Tom

Saying you have loads of footage of 2 young people sitting in a car chatting is bordering on creepy stalker territory.

musicandpassion · 17/03/2023 06:59

Why has the neighbour got footage that shows them in the car for ages? Who takes "ages" to steal a car??

PriamFarrl · 17/03/2023 07:06

Had the neighbour got something wrong with them that they didn’t recognise the person who lives across the road.

I don’t know that I’d recognise my neighbour in the dark, in a car, with their hood up.

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 17/03/2023 09:47

Just on the neighbour...

On one had - car theft is a big problem in our area, so vigilance is welcome.

But definitely an element of stoking a fire for personal entertainment I think. Sorry to say that - and not removing blame for from DD - but she is not next door (a few houses along) and decided that a theft was underway because she knows 'that car belongs to a blonde woman' and 'it was late'.

The 'They might have had a crowbar' and 'I filmed them for 25 minutes' - coupled with the fact that their 'getaway time' was over 20 minutes - leads me to believe that she knew full well it wasn't a theft.

She has now made a statement and volunteered to act as a witness.

So whilst DD was stupid to move the car and it WAS illegal, I think she has been extremely unlucky: Neighbour / Huge response / aggressive community police officer / decision to take it forward and so on...

And that doesn't even take into account ongoing mental health, additional stress with A Levels in a few weeks, family dynamics, fact that she is upset about not being able to go to BF house any more (BF mum has imposed that one) and so on.

So all of those calling 'storm in a teacup'. Yes and No. The incident could have, and perhaps should have, been a non-event, but the stars aligned to make it bigger than it needed to be. And those saying I have used inflammatory and dramatic words - I hope I have clearly explained that our household is not necessarily the same as yours and I know better than anyone, that I have to be alert to how things are managed. It's fucking hard actually.

Today DD has a late start and her and DH are having breakfast together (he made her pancakes) and she is making him look at Tik Tok videos - so it's not all bad for her. Just to reassure you.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 17/03/2023 10:14

It is what it is though - there’s no point in analysing it like that. You can’t change what happened, what the neighbour did, what dd did.

So the only option is to calmly face the consequences and encourage dd to do the same.

A lot of stress and anxiety is from trying to change and influence things that can’t be changed. It’s just pointless to do so and keep thinking about it. One my mantras is ‘don’t worry about things you can’t do anything about’. In the grand scheme this isn’t a a life changing problem, even if she gets prosecuted for something that shows on a dbs, employers have to be fair in how they use the information.

Dd needs to concentrate on her A levels and apologise to her boyfriends mum profusely if she hasn’t already done so. There is nothing else she can do at this stage.

Everyone makes mistakes and most people in the world understand that. If they don’t then they aren’t worth bothering about imo.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/03/2023 12:41

goddaton · 16/03/2023 13:04

My strong advice would be ABSOLUTELY NOT to talk to the police, they may ask her to go in for an informal interview, she should politely decline this, as these are fishing expiditions - they may then arrest her, which is fine, and take her for interview under caution, at which point she should only talk with a solicitor present.

The outcome at the most will be a ban, slapped wrist from magistrate, fine. so its quite important to do things properly, not roll over and give them a conviction on a plate.

Often in my experience of dealing with kids over the years and the law, once the police find they know their rights and are happy to plead their case in court the case vanishes, because its suddenly a load of bother!

She has done wrong, but that doesn't mean she should't put up a defence.

Dreadful advice to suggest they refuse to decline an informal interview because if they do , it’s not a case of ‘may’ arrest her, they will arrest her, and then there will be a record of formal arrest and holding in a cell. Better to accept and ask for police to arrange legal representation at the informal interview, or arrange for your own solicitor to meet you at the prearranged time and place, and get it sorted out.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/03/2023 13:00

whynotwhatknot · 16/03/2023 14:56

7 car response they must have been bored that night-if someone steals a car round here they give you a crime reference and say theyve put it on the anpr system thats about it

Reminds me of a story DH told me. His brother called the police one night to say someone had broken into the garage and stolen some tools. They said there weren’t enough staff to send anyone and gave him a crime number. A few minutes later he realised the burglar was still in the garage and called police back to tell them that, and that he had shot the burglar with an air gun. Blue lights arrived a short time later, burglar was arrested, but hadn’t been shot. Police to BIL ‘I thought you said you’d shot him with an air gun?’ BIL to police ‘I thought you said you had no one available to send’!!

whynotwhatknot · 18/03/2023 13:33

yep I've heard of people doing that just to get them there. shouldn't have to though

Dayvi · 18/03/2023 13:33

Rosscameasdoody · 18/03/2023 13:00

Reminds me of a story DH told me. His brother called the police one night to say someone had broken into the garage and stolen some tools. They said there weren’t enough staff to send anyone and gave him a crime number. A few minutes later he realised the burglar was still in the garage and called police back to tell them that, and that he had shot the burglar with an air gun. Blue lights arrived a short time later, burglar was arrested, but hadn’t been shot. Police to BIL ‘I thought you said you’d shot him with an air gun?’ BIL to police ‘I thought you said you had no one available to send’!!

Show quote history

I've heard different variations of that story loads of times over the years.

monsteramunch · 18/03/2023 13:47

@Rosscameasdoody

Reminds me of a story DH told me. His brother called the police one night to say someone had broken into the garage and stolen some tools. They said there weren’t enough staff to send anyone and gave him a crime number. A few minutes later he realised the burglar was still in the garage and called police back to tell them that, and that he had shot the burglar with an air gun. Blue lights arrived a short time later, burglar was arrested, but hadn’t been shot. Police to BIL ‘I thought you said you’d shot him with an air gun?’ BIL to police ‘I thought you said you had no one available to send’!!

I've heard this exact story from a few different people over the years, I think it's a bit of artistic license on DH's part... Grin

monsteramunch · 18/03/2023 13:47

Ooh snap @Dayvi!

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/03/2023 15:45

Dayvi · 18/03/2023 13:33

I've heard different variations of that story loads of times over the years.

Show quote history

That made up story has multiple permutations. It’s always someone brother/dad/husband

i don’t think it’s ever actually happened

Dayvi · 18/03/2023 17:01

It's quite a good story though. I liked it the first time I heard it.

ReneBumsWombats · 18/03/2023 17:06

Dayvi · 18/03/2023 13:33

I've heard different variations of that story loads of times over the years.

Show quote history

Me too. It seems to have replaced the "wrong biscuit" urban myth.

Kennykenkencat · 18/03/2023 17:53

PriamFarrl · 17/03/2023 07:06

Had the neighbour got something wrong with them that they didn’t recognise the person who lives across the road.

I don’t know that I’d recognise my neighbour in the dark, in a car, with their hood up.

Did anyone have their hood up?

Even without seeing faces I know people around me by how they walk.

You know who they are by how they move

bhiffandcip · 18/03/2023 18:03

To be fair, I wouldn't recognise someone who lived a few doors up. And especially not at night and if they had a hoodie on.

DancingInSpace · 23/03/2023 02:26

monsteramunch · 18/03/2023 13:47

@Rosscameasdoody

Reminds me of a story DH told me. His brother called the police one night to say someone had broken into the garage and stolen some tools. They said there weren’t enough staff to send anyone and gave him a crime number. A few minutes later he realised the burglar was still in the garage and called police back to tell them that, and that he had shot the burglar with an air gun. Blue lights arrived a short time later, burglar was arrested, but hadn’t been shot. Police to BIL ‘I thought you said you’d shot him with an air gun?’ BIL to police ‘I thought you said you had no one available to send’!!

I've heard this exact story from a few different people over the years, I think it's a bit of artistic license on DH's part... Grin

Yep. Total bollocks. And now someone from here will repeat it as their story. 🙄

I think the police should come down like this on more people. Hopefully your daughter will stop doing shit like this now. If this wouldn’t have happened, maybe OPs daughter would have gained confidence and took the car for a drive next time, if she hadn’t before.

letthemalldoone · 23/03/2023 13:04

SherlockStones · 16/03/2023 19:01

Typical, more scorn for her than the one who did something very foolish.

This coddling mindset prevalent in this thread is a joke in all honesty.

Show quote history

Aren’t you just charming!

letthemalldoone · 23/03/2023 13:15

Rosscameasdoody · 18/03/2023 13:00

Reminds me of a story DH told me. His brother called the police one night to say someone had broken into the garage and stolen some tools. They said there weren’t enough staff to send anyone and gave him a crime number. A few minutes later he realised the burglar was still in the garage and called police back to tell them that, and that he had shot the burglar with an air gun. Blue lights arrived a short time later, burglar was arrested, but hadn’t been shot. Police to BIL ‘I thought you said you’d shot him with an air gun?’ BIL to police ‘I thought you said you had no one available to send’!!

Show quote history

Urban myth.

No wonder policing is overstretched!

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