Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

I gained weight when I was 10/11

I was short and very active but put on weight

My mother told me again and again that I was fat. My parents arranged for me to be weighed at the GP every Friday afternoon. I had to lie to my friends about where I went after school every Friday

They restricted my food - I had to eat different things to everyone else in my family because it was apparently for my own good

I used to steal food. I ate for the sake of it

I have suffered from pretty much every eating disorder going. I am a grown woman in my 40s and my relationship with food is still a fucking car crash. I am tiny but I fight every single day to keep it that way. I fucking hate it

Please be careful

P.S. I know I am projecting or whatever it is but I wouldn't wish this on anyone

Okay, I'm going to keep believing what my qualified psychiatrist has told me to be honest, given your display of ignorance about binge eating disorder and bulimia so far.

She has also never had food restricted, and she is definitely not hungry on the contrary we all LOVE our food and also love cooking as a family,

Thats standing out to me.
Mainly because my dcs have always been eating A LOT. dc1 has always said he is hungry very often. We’ve never been policing what they eat or the size of tte snacks etc…. Both very thin despite eating a lot.
Now that dc1 is at Uni and making his own meals, they are more or less twice they size iff what we were making. Still very thin. And still people commenting on how much he eats.

What I’m trying to say is that you are ASSUMING she isn’t hungry because your isn experience us that she can’t be hungry with eating that much from meals etc…
But maybe she is actually hungry if she eating that much ‘snacks’ but isn’t overweight or putting in more weight that you would expect.

I noticed that too. These threads are a place to seek validation and quite ‘dangerous’ for some people. I do fear for the children of some of these mums.

I think some people are taking a lot of my posts out of context…

There has been 18 months since this started, I did say I started near enough ignoring it and putting down to a normal teen behaviour, ie hormones, needing more calories etc…

Its also been over 18 months since she did her last triathlon!!

She is not hungry, she has a good appetite and both myself and DH are good cooks, she also has access to healthy snacks and those that are less so.

I also have 2 other DC who have been brought up exactly the same and seem to have followed “normal” eating patterns, that’s not to say I think DD11 is abnormal or wrong in anyway just that I would say generally we are a family that have a good relationship with food.

We have never made a big deal of her choices until today and I came on here saying I knew I hadn’t dealt with it well and looking for advice.

You do that. He/ she was still talking bullshit. Given the ignorance you’re displaying re the dangers of anorexia I’m not surprised.

I haven't said anywhere that I don't think anorexia is dangerous. I said pitting eating disorders against each other is not helpful as they are all dangerous, and it doesn't help anyone with BED or bulimia to say 'oh well, at least it's not anorexia'. Sorry about your lack of comprehension.

So what does she have for meals op and during the day overall!

Perhaps I am protecting but my mum's attitude was not unique. She would have said we had access to food. We did not, she commented on every single choice we made so it was easier to not ask and home what we were eating. OP could write

Bulimia isn’t always making yourself sick. It’s the cycle of binge eating, feeling shame and then either inducing vomiting or reducing food intake.

It’s a common misconception that the difference between anorexia and bulimia is the vomiting.

Anorexia is restricting food intake, bulimia is binge eating and then restricting.

She is not hungry, she has a good appetite and both myself and DH are good cooks, she also has access to healthy snacks and those that are less so.

How do you know she isn't hungry?

Yes exactly, it could be not eating after a binge kind of restriction, it could be vomiting or taking laxatives, and it could be over exercising as well. Although it is uncommon for bulimics to gain weight, usually weight is stable which is why people tend to think it's not dangerous

OP a lot of people on here think any mention of weight or being concerned about food habits are going to cause EDs or whatever else, lots are being unduly harsh and making all sorts of assumptions and projections.

I was this child and then teen and it's good you're asking for advice and open to how to approach it. I love my parents dearly but they just assumed it was one of those things and I spent all of my teens overweight and it wasn't until I sought help when I was an adult that turned my life around.

The reality is that it's not normal to be hiding food wrappers, to eat in secret or to be eating sugar from the packet. Its not. Nothing you've said suggests hiding them is anything to do with your attitude towards food, my parents never judged me (that was the problem) but i felt so much shame towards myself that I hid them for that reason.

I would talk to her, ask if there's anything you can support with (not food related just in general)- could be just grappling with hormones, using food as a crutch, simply being super hungry or whatever. Did she give up triathlon stuff out of choice or?

Equating binge eating with Anorexia as regards danger is incorrect and it causes hysteria which will very likely cause the latter.

Why do you keep just repeating this over and over again? OP's child is clearly not anorexic, she is eating, I don't understand what you think you're adding to the thread at all.

Hi OP - I honestly don’t think your daughters behaviour is that unusual for a teen / tween going through puberty. My dds did a heap of sport and they would always pick crap instead of the good stuff if available.

We had a sport dietician speak to us at the swim club we were at and many parents had similar concerns. Her suggestion was to beef up meals and introduce decent snacks. So cheese/crackers , bowl cereal, fruit and nut butter, smoothies. Then if kids want chips - portion control.

She also mentioned a food chart on the fridge could work - in a positive way for some. As in “ have you eaten enough of these food groups today? If not choose those when hungry”.

of course a GP is a great idea just to check on things.

Binge eating and bulimia are different EDS. Bulimia is dangerous if there is vomiting due to electrolyte changes. The op has stated her daughter is not vomiting and very unlikely to be.

I think she needs help. My daughter has struggled - terribly - post pandemic and was anorexic and then binge ate. They are all related ways of anxiety manifesting yourself

I would try to get to the source of the anxiety. Not easy that part!

your daughter knows binge eating is going to affect her health and weight. She is doing it as she can control it. It’s a form of self harm

If you had started to eat copious amounts of food in secret though and put on weight, would you think parents who didn't say anything at all were particularly caring? Wouldn't you wonder why they didn't ask if anything was up, or showed concern for your health? There's a huge gulf between judging children for their food intake to ignoring a change in eating.

If she's not actually overweight she could either be due a growth spurt (although it's been going on a long time for that) or it could be due to hormones. Lots of posters have said it's a medical issue but my first thought was bullying. Is she having problems with friends? Being bullied? Struggling with school?
I don't think you fat shamed her but there must be a reason for her overeating and it sounds like comfort eating.

You're the one who keeps harping on about hysteria, and no, approaching a change in eating habits sensitively with someone doesn't cause eating disorders, it could exasperate or contribute but let's not trivialise them; they're invariably more complex and often little to actually do with food and appearance. Not suggesting the OPs child has it, but binge eating disorder (BED) is a recognised eating disorder and whereas the effects aren't as catastrophic as quickly as they can be in some others, it's still serious and does cause issues. Stop being ignorant.

Normally the people who are all 'dont comment on any weight change' etc are rather large though. OP's daughter is not overweight or obese, she has gained a lot of weight by OP's account, and is now still only a UK size 6. To me that suggests perhaps she actually had that weight to gain in the first place. She's started her periods so she is naturally going to start filling out a bit as she becomes a woman, being size 6 is really not anything to make a huge deal about even if it did take 'a lot of weight' to get her there

She’s not overweight so she could be in a binge/purge cycle. Could be depression/anxiety. Maybe her meals aren’t large enough for her or don’t contain enough protein and fat. She’s woman-sized now so no longer requires a child-sized portion of food. Probably needs more snacks between meals due to her energy levels and because she’s developing.

Please be careful of talking about body size because she could end up restricting. Can you provide us examples of breakfast, lunch and dinner?

But it’s been 18 months of ‘eating copious amounts of food’ and OPs daughter still isn’t overweight, so clearly she isn’t eating too much at all. Just maybe some food not being the best choices.

I don’t understand how a child that is active, is described as a couch potato by her mum.

I don't think this was fat shaming it was a needed conversation. I do think this should lead to a trip to GP. I'm in the US and we use an overall measure for diabetes as the Hg a1c. For the average person its under 8. What do they use in the UK?