Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

To me saying things like 'hysteria' just suggests total ignorance of binge eating disorder and its huge comorbidity with bulimia (which is very dangerous and life threatening). My old psychiatrist told me before he would be more concerned about a bulimic with a 'healthy' BMI than an anorexic with a low but stable BMI. Like I say, absolutely no value here in pitting all these disorders against each other, they're dangerous in different ways.

We don't even know that OP's daughter actually is suffering binge eating as a mindset, or if she is just hungry, has a health condition, etc. Unfortunately OP has likely scared her now, and the general environment she is living in/OP's attitude to food and size etc it seems likely if she isn't struggling with disordered eating then it may manifest in the future, and that could end up being something like anorexia anyway if OP is moaning at her for 'gaining a load of weight to a disgusting size 6'.

It definitely sounds like she has disordered eating patterns at the moment. Good on you for noticing and taking action. Don’t beat yourself up over how you handled it, handling issues like these is very tricky and emotional for the parent too and I don’t think you handled it terribly l, parents aren’t robots!
the impotent thing is now to think carefully how to proceed and perhaps read around eating disorders, maybe even talk to other people around her, to see if there are issues that may be causing this behavior around food. As someone who’s suffered from an earring disorder in the past, I can only say that early intervention and a lot of love and attention is key. It’s never, ever about the food itself.

*eating disorder not earring disorder, 😂

Telling someone with a binge disorder that they’re getting bigger aka fatter is the worst thing you can do.

It leads to restrictive eating and then more binges until the binges are uncontrollable.

Over-eating is a response to something.
Whether that’s low mood, body issues, bullying, low dopamine or a medical issue etc.

You need to focus on the nutrition side rather than the weight side else you are going to give her body issues and actually make the problem worse.

Talk about fuelling her body with good food which will help her with her future goals.
Tell her what foods she can have an unlimited supply of and what foods she needs to limit.
Things like fruit and veg sticks should be unlimited and junk food should be provided but limited (taking them away completely will make her crave them more).

Someone on here back along said to have a basket for each child and put in their share of junk food for the week.
They can then choose to eat it all quickly or to spread it out during the week.

I thought it was a really good idea as it’s not restricting the junk food too much but it’s also allowing them to start controlling their food choices.

I initially was a bit ? at the questions and googled what they might relate to - I meant badly worded because they didn't mention any connection or reason why they were asking.

I went through this with my daughter at the start of y8, I thought she had binge eating disorder and was worried sick. She absolutely piled weight on and she had always been so slim and active. Ended up putting her on the pill because her periods were awful and the binging stopped almost immediately. She's lost most of the weight now and certainly hasn't dieted. We never discussed the weight change but it's very noticeable, she can wear my clothes again now.

It's not fat shaming, you were being honest. If she was hiding food and becoming noticeably underweight I'm sure you wouldn't feel bad saying anything. There's too much beating around the Bush with weight but reality won't cause someone to develop anorexia- people often trivialise EDs to justify burying their heads in the sand. Reality is that it is a very unhealthy relationship with food and will cause not only physical issues but also make life harder in other ways for her if not addressed.

I was this child BTW so I'm not judging, it wasn't until I was an adult I addressed it but my teen years were hell.

Yes I agree. Not everyone eating a huge amount in one go is binging. Not everyone having a few binges has a binge eating disorder

There are questions to be answered about what is going on for OPs daughter for sure but lots of posters here seem to be very sure that she is a disordered eater, that its definitely an eating disorder. Perhaps thats because of the way it was posted originally but the facts are not quite as OP set out. She also didnt answer my query about how the sugar is consumed, did she mean by the bag, straight out of the bag or where the daughter is putting it on or in other foods but at a volume.

I'd suggest healthier snacks - toast with ham and cheese, handful of nuts, fruit salad.

Leave the sugary treats for the weekend when they can be enjoyed by the whole family.

Its about making an effort to eat better, not a weight control exercise, and it applies to the whole family.

We never discussed the weight change but it's very noticeable, she can wear my clothes again now

What an absolutely bizarre and unnecessary last sentence that is. MN is a weird place at times.

Doesn’t necessarily have to be an eating disorder. Hormones and anxiety can play a big part. I’ve always struggled with my weight even as a child - I never had an eating disorder or underlying issue. I purely and simply just like food and have a sweet tooth. As a result my weight has fluctuated throughout my life.
Definitely reinforce positive healthy eating. Replace sugary treats for healthy alternatives. Foods high in protein will help her fill fuller for longer. I wish I could’ve gone back in time and helped myself at that age just by understanding the nutritional value of different foods!

*feel fuller

Same I thought someone was taking the piss until you explained 🙈

@twitterexile agree. I've learn that the weight topic is unhealthy on MN and there's a lot of people who clearly have eating disorders themselves

So she's not overweight, is very active with her sports but when she's home she wants to snack and relax?

I don't understand what the problem is op.

You sound controlling with food and I think that is influencing your dd relationship with food and her body.

Absolutely this.

caramelegg

Your psych was talking bullshit.

When you have an extremely low BMI your body is under pressure even if stable and it can take very little for an atrophied heart to give up. Blood sugar issues are still a risk and ditto all the other areas of concern in Marzipan. A starved brain is a massive risk in itself as it can’t see reason or turn things round. A stable and under weight anorexic (which is an oxymoron) may not be losing weight but will still be restricting to stay at that weight and the body will still be under huge pressure from months/ years of getting to that weight and restriction.

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

I think a lot of teens could easily eat that after school and then eat dinner an hour or two later. My kids are not the typical mumsnet children that eat a whole loaf of bread and a box of cereal in one sitting, but this really doesn’t seem that much to me after a day at school. My kids would have eaten this, although my son would have left out the orange at that age. 🙄

I think the hiding wrappers could be if she knows you’re monitoring/noticing what she eats. So the only things I’d put a stop to are the things like a jar of Nutella. When I was a teen I used to get very strong cravings for sweet foods in the week before my period so that could play a part too. I’d just steer her towards some better choices, protein rich foods instead of carbs/sugar.

She's a tall 11 year old who has started her period, has big boobs and wears age 12-13 clothes. She isn't remotely overweight

I used to hide wrappers like this when I was this age because my mum restricted what we ate to what she thought should fill us up. We could not help ourselves to food without asking her. I have a bigger build than my mum and she believed I was fat. I feel so sad when I see photos of myself as a thin teen because at the time I thought I was disgustingly overweight. She still equates thinness with goodness and talks about restricting her own diet as if we should give her a round of applause because she ate cottage cheese not biscuits. I don't have and have ever had an eating disorder. I was a miserable teenager because I had a judgemental mother. I am at least 20kg heavier than my mum, not overweight bit she works still describe me as fat. I worry that the OP is my mum.

It does seem to me it’s one thing to be worried about what DC is eating but another to be worried an 11 year old with say a normal BMI is growing. Not sure i’d think an 11 year old growing out of clothes was an issue, given they’re 11!
I was very lanky before puberty and believe me when I say I was very curvy by the time I came out of it (though normal BMI still).

And there are a lot who go the other way and don't think weight should ever be addressed and that whatever is fine.

I'd agree with the posters saying it's possible you are making too much of this at present.

It sounds like she is developing normally but perhaps differently from your other daughters. I don't think it's that uncommon to crave snacks and sweet things at that age, I certainly did but have had a very healthy relationship with food my entire life and have stayed a size 8-10 for decades. I ate more sweet things because I didn't really like what was on offer from the main meals. Fortunately nobody in my family cared less, otherwise it might have been a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Please take her clothes shopping so she is not coming to you worrying about her clothes fitting badly, that might be very distressing for her amongst her peers and of course she will be changing shape during puberty .

As another parent of a teen with anorexia I'm afraid I'm going have to disagree with you here - no parent wants to go through the hell that is supporting their child with an eating disorder -I've never once thought about how much happier I'd be if she had BED. I truly wish your daughter is able to recover - every parent of any child with any eating disorder wishes that more than anything else.

Or perhaps you're projecting? Op has said can just grab stuff, plenty of people with a variety of disordered eating patterns hide wrappers and not through fear of a parent commenting.