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Original poster

Is my nursery accusing me of abuse?

119 replies

Annas1237 · 02/03/2023 02:02

Hi all,

my daughter who is just over 2 years old has been going to the same nursery since she was one. Overall she has been pretty happy going and enjoys interaction with other children.

However, 2 weeks ago an incident happened where the nursery pulled me into a room when I came to pick up my daughter to report that my daughter has been refusing a nappy change and screams (more like alarming howling ) when they try to change her nappy. So obviously I was alarmed by that and at that point I suggested that maybe one of the staff unintentionally hurt her when doing a nappy change and since it’s a sensitive area she now remembers that and doesn’t trust them. The nursery uses wet wipes to clean and this does sometimes cause major irritation in that area. The nursery manager proceeded by saying that the staff is always very careful with nappy changing etc.
Then the nursery manager began by asking me whether everything is ok at home - to which I responded yes since I have not had my daughter really get overly upset over a nappy change ( she sometimes does wiggle but nothing overly concerning). Second thing they suggested is that my daughter might have a bladder infection or something else along those lines so it might a good idea to take her to gp- and since this happened on Friday, I told them that I will check to see how she is at home and make a decision on Saturday to whether to take her or not. The nursery manager was happy with that approach and we said our goodbyes and I went to get my daughter. When I came to her room and I asked a few of the key staff on what happened and as it turns out - her behaviour started after the 4th nappy change that day (which indicates to me that they are at fault here, probably weren’t careful and accidentally hurt her). But I didn’t blame them and was understanding since children can react strongly sometimes and I suggested that maybe she was sore when they used the wipes, which made it worse, especially since this happened towards the end of day.

Once we came home - my daughter was fine. On her first nappy change she did get upset (almost like she was remembering the past) but after I reassured her, but she has calmed down.

Come the next day which was Saturday, my daughter was absolutely fine, I was able to change her without a problem laying down so I decided not to take her to A&E. same thing on Sunday so no trip to doctor was needed.

The following week at the nursery, same thing happened (her not allowing them to change her nappy), her key person told me that they now change her nappy standing up as she just won’t lay down for nappy change. I told them if that works for now, just go with that approach until she forgets.

A week passed and nothing more was said to me of this issue even though I kept asking every day - the answer I got is she is still being changed standing up and she still won’t lay down.

Now just over a week later, yesterday, when I came to pick up my daughter I was asked to have a private chat. During which, I have been told that all the staff who dealt with my daughter on that day have signed a form explaining what they have been witnessing and that I need to take my daughter to a GP within 48 hours for a full examination including her private area and that I must adhere to that timeline or the nursery will have no other choice but to contact child services. The GP report needs to be sent to them either via email or printed and handed over. Obviously I was in shocked yesterday? How do we go from fussy child to this???

Obviously I will take my daughter to the GP and I feel awful that I have to put her through that ordeal (she will hate being stripped naked and touched by a stranger in this case gp) but i am left with no choice. Also I am hundred percent sure, nothing will be found in terms physically being wrong with her.

Mums, what rights do I have as a parent who has been put through this in such an insensitive and insulting way? Who do I complain to or contact? I am certain it’s their fault in terms of why my child had a reaction since as I mentioned before this happened on the 4th nappy change. It feels as though they want to pin everything on me. This has made me really upset to the point that I can’t sleep at night.. any advise on what to do next is really appreciated…

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 02/03/2023 02:10

I understand you're upset and feeling blamed, but there's no reason to complain. The nursery is safeguarding your child, as required by law. Take your dd to the GP as planned, explain your point of view, and that should be that. Is she sensitive to the nursery wipes?

Eyerollcentral · 02/03/2023 02:24

‘Mums, what rights do I have as a parent who has been put through this in such an insensitive and insulting way?’ sorry but it’s not about your rights, it’s about safeguarding your child, they are obliged to follow processes for that reason. No one is accusing you of anything. I know it’s upsetting but you are making this about you and it’s about your child. Maybe she is ready to come out of nappies and just doesn’t like being changed in that environment any more as she is more aware of her surroundings. Children often get more self conscious around toileting when they are ready to start toilet training

GreenIsle · 02/03/2023 02:31

Hi op

It can be quite common for young children to take a dislike to nappy changes at any point especially when they are toddlers and don't want to lie down.

I find the approach from the nursery very heavy handed. No child should be forced to under go any intimate examination with such little evidence of anything here. The GP will likely decline to do this. The nursery cannot request a copy of any such medical examinations and to also blackmail you with this. I would tell them to report to child services if they so wish and allow them to investigate properly if there is enough concerns to substantiate whatever claim the nursery is trying to make. Trust me it won't go far at all.

No harm in discussing with your GP though to rule out potential uti etc.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 02/03/2023 02:44

Annas1237 · 02/03/2023 02:02

Hi all,

my daughter who is just over 2 years old has been going to the same nursery since she was one. Overall she has been pretty happy going and enjoys interaction with other children.

However, 2 weeks ago an incident happened where the nursery pulled me into a room when I came to pick up my daughter to report that my daughter has been refusing a nappy change and screams (more like alarming howling ) when they try to change her nappy. So obviously I was alarmed by that and at that point I suggested that maybe one of the staff unintentionally hurt her when doing a nappy change and since it’s a sensitive area she now remembers that and doesn’t trust them. The nursery uses wet wipes to clean and this does sometimes cause major irritation in that area. The nursery manager proceeded by saying that the staff is always very careful with nappy changing etc.
Then the nursery manager began by asking me whether everything is ok at home - to which I responded yes since I have not had my daughter really get overly upset over a nappy change ( she sometimes does wiggle but nothing overly concerning). Second thing they suggested is that my daughter might have a bladder infection or something else along those lines so it might a good idea to take her to gp- and since this happened on Friday, I told them that I will check to see how she is at home and make a decision on Saturday to whether to take her or not. The nursery manager was happy with that approach and we said our goodbyes and I went to get my daughter. When I came to her room and I asked a few of the key staff on what happened and as it turns out - her behaviour started after the 4th nappy change that day (which indicates to me that they are at fault here, probably weren’t careful and accidentally hurt her). But I didn’t blame them and was understanding since children can react strongly sometimes and I suggested that maybe she was sore when they used the wipes, which made it worse, especially since this happened towards the end of day.

Once we came home - my daughter was fine. On her first nappy change she did get upset (almost like she was remembering the past) but after I reassured her, but she has calmed down.

Come the next day which was Saturday, my daughter was absolutely fine, I was able to change her without a problem laying down so I decided not to take her to A&E. same thing on Sunday so no trip to doctor was needed.

The following week at the nursery, same thing happened (her not allowing them to change her nappy), her key person told me that they now change her nappy standing up as she just won’t lay down for nappy change. I told them if that works for now, just go with that approach until she forgets.

A week passed and nothing more was said to me of this issue even though I kept asking every day - the answer I got is she is still being changed standing up and she still won’t lay down.

Now just over a week later, yesterday, when I came to pick up my daughter I was asked to have a private chat. During which, I have been told that all the staff who dealt with my daughter on that day have signed a form explaining what they have been witnessing and that I need to take my daughter to a GP within 48 hours for a full examination including her private area and that I must adhere to that timeline or the nursery will have no other choice but to contact child services. The GP report needs to be sent to them either via email or printed and handed over. Obviously I was in shocked yesterday? How do we go from fussy child to this???

Obviously I will take my daughter to the GP and I feel awful that I have to put her through that ordeal (she will hate being stripped naked and touched by a stranger in this case gp) but i am left with no choice. Also I am hundred percent sure, nothing will be found in terms physically being wrong with her.

Mums, what rights do I have as a parent who has been put through this in such an insensitive and insulting way? Who do I complain to or contact? I am certain it’s their fault in terms of why my child had a reaction since as I mentioned before this happened on the 4th nappy change. It feels as though they want to pin everything on me. This has made me really upset to the point that I can’t sleep at night.. any advise on what to do next is really appreciated…

4th Nappy change indicates to me she probably has a UTI, and you come across very accusatory and goady in your post. I hope your little one is feeling better, the nursery are doing their job, stop making accusations up when they have your daughters best interest at heart.

Nowthenhere · 02/03/2023 02:56

Who on earth do they think they are? "You need to comply by our time frame" GPs do not suddenly become available because nurseries have a time frame.
Your daughter has expressed a dislike to a nappy change and they're dictating that a stranger examine her?!
I would probably be investigating the nursery staff - is she unhappy on days when certain staff are working? Is there one person in particular that she's unhappy with because it sounds like they're very happy to put blame in your direction.
If your child point blank didn't have her nappy changed at nursery they could raise a safeguarding but this isn't the case, they have seen her when getting changed.
I would phone your health visiting team from Mon, bring her in for an extra wellness check and ask the questions including if there's been any concerns raised with the nursery in the past (probably can't answer that).
I wouldn't disclose health information about my child to nursery staff. You do not have to consent but you could ask the health visitor for her advice as they often do wellness checks at the nurseries so they could ring the nursery and state that all is well and who they are.
As for a urine infection, when did the nursery staff became so health trained to learn that a refusal in regular nappy changes was because they might be unwell? Fantastic that without any other symptoms they've offered this suggestion.
Rights as parents, you do the consenting but often if you challenge at this stage instead of comply you raise eyebrows. Be confident and demand to see a copy of the document that has been written about your child since you are the parent.

LemonBounce · 02/03/2023 03:08

Good to take her to the gp, the nursery staff see lots of kids all the time so will be aware of what's normal. I know it feels personal to you but try to set those feelings aside and approach it as you and the nursery together checking everything is okay.

Whatames · 02/03/2023 03:09

Do you think they may want her checked for a UTI. My nursery once insisted I took my daughter thr gp before she came back to get checked for a uti.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/03/2023 03:10

Take her to the GP for a check up. Maybe get a note saying you have taken her, you don’t actually have to give them a report. Don’t get too upset, remember they just want to make sure your child is ok.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 02/03/2023 03:12

The nursery are concerned and are 100% doing the right thing.

LaBellina · 02/03/2023 03:12

I definitely would get my daughter checked but I would be very wary because a) the issue only is only occurring at the nursery and b) they are too demanding and crossing lines with their demands of seeing your daughters personal medical data and threatening you with child services.

I think the nursery is afraid you are going to report THEM and that’s exactly what I would consider if I were you. And please at least phone your GP and speak to them about your daughters issues.

RebeccaCloud9 · 02/03/2023 03:17

I mean, being checked for any underlying problems or a UTI by a GP is hardly 'an ordeal...stripped naked and touched by a stranger'.

My DD has recently been checked for similar by the GP. She just had to pull her pants down, and was on the bed and covered by the paper roll. The GP was very respectful, careful and kind about it - it certainly wasn't an ordeal. And it was lucky we did check her out as the problem was different to what we thought it was, and she got appropriate and swift treatment.

headstone · 02/03/2023 03:19

If the issue occurs just at nursery then you don’t need to see the GP, something at nursery has caused this reaction. You could book an appointment anyway just to cover your back if they do report you to social services. Have a look at the symptoms of a uti in children.

Jadviga · 02/03/2023 03:21

I'd be tempted to tell nursery that I will take her to the GP, and if anything suspicious is raised I'll make sure there is a police investigation. And that I want the names of all the staff who cared for her.

And then find another nursery, whether or not GP finds anything.

Yes nurseries should safeguard but with so little to go on, that's ridiculous. My son also hates lying down and I change him standing, it has nothing to do with abuse of any kind.

He fell down the other day and bruised his cheek, I guess someone should have threatened me with SS involvement and made me take him to the GP. No wonder it's hard to get appointments if GP time is taken by this kind of nonsense.

PennyRa · 02/03/2023 03:36

Neglect not abuse

nobodygirl2023 · 02/03/2023 03:57

I understand nurseries need to safeguard but c'mon...this is a 2 year old refusing to lie down for a nappy change! Don't they all do this? Mine will lay down only when she feels like it, so standing up changes are the norm. Occasionally she won't even allow that & it's a battle of wills at that point (as with so many things with a toddler).

It seems a bit of an over the top reaction from the nursery - unless you have any real concerns about a bladder infection I don't think I'd be calling my GP about this. I reckon I'd probably call my HV in first instance to chat about it.

Lucylock · 02/03/2023 04:16

The nursery have no right to demand to see a medical report. Neither have they got any medical qualifications that will help them make a decision based on it anyway.

What are they expecting from this report? If the GP reports no sign of injury that doesn't exclude abuse. It's not their place to base safeguarding referrals on a medical report that the are not qualified to interpret.

They either need to decide the are referring to SC or not, and if they do then let SC investigate.

In the meantime, if you think your daughter is exhibiting signs of a UTI ( never heard of refusing to lie down being one) then you decide if a GP is required. If your daughter is fine with nappy changes at home then make a note of this.

itsgettingweird · 02/03/2023 04:29

I would do 2 things.

Write down factually dates and times of when dd has been upset at nappy changes at nursery, what was said and what action you took. I'd do table on word with headings such as date, person spoke to, concerns, outcomes.

Then write down what nursery have said to you.

Eg

X date. Nursery reported xxxxxxx. Spoke to Y staff and they said it was on 4th change.

Sat xxxxx dd fine.

Xxxxxx

X date nursery reported distressed again at laying for changing. Y said they are laying her down and she's been ok.

X date nursery reported she'd been distressed again at nursery whilst being changed. Nursery reported I have 48 hours to get GP to do a check or they'll refer to children's services.

Once this is all written down then send to manager by email and say you've documented everything and will take your DD to the GP.

But dependent on how concerned you are personally I'd be keeping dd off myself and calling nspcc and reporting I have concerns about the distress she's having in nursery with nappy changes and you are keeping her home for safeguarding.

Although if you think the wipes are to blame why not also send in your own that you know don't bother her?

Fraaahnces · 02/03/2023 04:33

Honestly, their intentions are absolutely sound. Not only are they protecting your child, but they are protecting themselves and you by ruling out abuse. UTIs are so very common with little girls, followed by thrush - all because of the nature of girl bits mixed with humidity and nappies. Since this is absolutely the most logical cause of her behaviour, they are trying to get a diagnosis and treatment. You may be feeling singled out because you are the expert on YOUR child, but these people are the experts on LOTS of kids and have probably seen it all before. How would you feel if you discovered your kid had an easily treatable infection and you just let it go?

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 04:56

All seems very strange and I don’t think it’s appropriate for nurseries to make demands like this. Let them report you if they want, I doubt child services will have an issue. But I’d just take her anyway, just let them know you’ve made an appointment but it’s not urgent so they can’t expect you to demand an appointment from the GP. They really expected you to take her to A&E? Do they have any idea how over stretched their services are?

AuContraire · 02/03/2023 05:02

My reading of this situation is that they are worried someone at the nursery has abused her, not you.

Wrote down all the dates and issues as itsgettingweird says above and take her to the GP.

Resister · 02/03/2023 05:03

The nursery sound awful. I wonder have they had some sort of experience which makes them collectively suspicious? I like the idea a pp has of documenting everything. I don't think I'd be able to continue with them though, I would need a more collaborative relationship.

judesxmumx · 02/03/2023 05:06

I am a nursery manager and in my full career I have never ever heard of a nursery asking for a medical report.

Advising to go and get a check up with GP yes and sharing concerns with health visitor (letting parent/career know that I would be speaking to HV first) yes but asking for a medical report is absolutely bizarre.

Blueberrymuffin03 · 02/03/2023 05:06

It's normal for a two year old not to want to lie down for a nappy change I find it hard to fathom that a experienced nursery doesn't know this.
I'd be concerned about this has something happened at this nursery? It's particularly strange it only happens at nursery.. what are they doing to distress your daughter? This would raise red flags for me.

Beezknees · 02/03/2023 05:07

A similar incident happened with me when DS was nursery age. I had a visit from a social worker and a GP appointment. They found nothing of concern and that was that.

I was very upset at the time, but 12 years on I absolutely understand that they have to safeguard children. Look at all the young children who are dying at the hands of parents and step parents nowadays. The nursery don't really know you. Please try to look at it from that point of view.

MisgenderedSwan · 02/03/2023 05:24

Very strange that you immediately jumped to them having hurt her? My dd hated anyone except me doing nappy changes from very small, to the point where she toilet trained completely reliably by 19mo. She just couldn't bear anyone doing it, nothing bad happened to her.

Take her to the GP. Stop suggesting that the nursery hurt her and if you genuinely think that then once this has settled down look for alternative provision. If she has a sore skin reaction to the wet wipes could you ask them to use water wipes or water and cotton wool when they change her?