Is my nursery accusing me of abuse?

[Annas1237]

Hi all,

my daughter who is just over 2 years old has been going to the same nursery since she was one. Overall she has been pretty happy going and enjoys interaction with other children.

However, 2 weeks ago an incident happened where the nursery pulled me into a room when I came to pick up my daughter to report that my daughter has been refusing a nappy change and screams (more like alarming howling ) when they try to change her nappy. So obviously I was alarmed by that and at that point I suggested that maybe one of the staff unintentionally hurt her when doing a nappy change and since it’s a sensitive area she now remembers that and doesn’t trust them. The nursery uses wet wipes to clean and this does sometimes cause major irritation in that area. The nursery manager proceeded by saying that the staff is always very careful with nappy changing etc.
Then the nursery manager began by asking me whether everything is ok at home - to which I responded yes since I have not had my daughter really get overly upset over a nappy change ( she sometimes does wiggle but nothing overly concerning). Second thing they suggested is that my daughter might have a bladder infection or something else along those lines so it might a good idea to take her to gp- and since this happened on Friday, I told them that I will check to see how she is at home and make a decision on Saturday to whether to take her or not. The nursery manager was happy with that approach and we said our goodbyes and I went to get my daughter. When I came to her room and I asked a few of the key staff on what happened and as it turns out - her behaviour started after the 4th nappy change that day (which indicates to me that they are at fault here, probably weren’t careful and accidentally hurt her). But I didn’t blame them and was understanding since children can react strongly sometimes and I suggested that maybe she was sore when they used the wipes, which made it worse, especially since this happened towards the end of day.

Once we came home - my daughter was fine. On her first nappy change she did get upset (almost like she was remembering the past) but after I reassured her, but she has calmed down.

Come the next day which was Saturday, my daughter was absolutely fine, I was able to change her without a problem laying down so I decided not to take her to A&E. same thing on Sunday so no trip to doctor was needed.

The following week at the nursery, same thing happened (her not allowing them to change her nappy), her key person told me that they now change her nappy standing up as she just won’t lay down for nappy change. I told them if that works for now, just go with that approach until she forgets.

A week passed and nothing more was said to me of this issue even though I kept asking every day - the answer I got is she is still being changed standing up and she still won’t lay down.

Now just over a week later, yesterday, when I came to pick up my daughter I was asked to have a private chat. During which, I have been told that all the staff who dealt with my daughter on that day have signed a form explaining what they have been witnessing and that I need to take my daughter to a GP within 48 hours for a full examination including her private area and that I must adhere to that timeline or the nursery will have no other choice but to contact child services. The GP report needs to be sent to them either via email or printed and handed over. Obviously I was in shocked yesterday? How do we go from fussy child to this???

Obviously I will take my daughter to the GP and I feel awful that I have to put her through that ordeal (she will hate being stripped naked and touched by a stranger in this case gp) but i am left with no choice. Also I am hundred percent sure, nothing will be found in terms physically being wrong with her.

Mums, what rights do I have as a parent who has been put through this in such an insensitive and insulting way? Who do I complain to or contact? I am certain it’s their fault in terms of why my child had a reaction since as I mentioned before this happened on the 4th nappy change. It feels as though they want to pin everything on me. This has made me really upset to the point that I can’t sleep at night.. any advise on what to do next is really appreciated…

I seriously hope you arnt a mother because I feel really sorry for any child of yours

Hmm a child being described as a brat by a poster, is also on the dog bite thread. I think its the same person.
Who even uses the word brat?

The fact that she is ok with you changing her and only does this with others makes me think the issue is with the nursery. More specifically her feelings towards being changed in that environment.
At 2 years old, children are becoming more aware of themselves and their bodies and making connections with self esteem and independence. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has several people doing the changes during the day, and is protesting the only way she knows how, by screaming and communicating with the staff that she isn’t happy with this. The changes standing up are less stressful for her, and most likely give her a sense of control. Standing nappy changes are a routine practice in Montessori nurseries, for this exact reason; lying prone is fine in infants, but induces the feeling of threat once that instinct kicks in (around this age) and it allows an easier transition into potty training. This is an age when children also begin not become embarrassed when emptying their bowels and often hide to gain privacy. It’s a completely normal stage of development.

it’s a good idea to get her checked for a uti or otherwise and be mindful of signs of safeguarding concerns but I would request for the nursery staff to cooperate with standing changes and see if the same person (or few as possible) can change her each time to help her regulate her anxiety

Yesterday my dd did come home with a sore bum so I have asked the nursery this morning to switch from normal wipes to washing her under water (which is what I do) or water wipes only if they have to wipe her.

i don’t think my dd is being bratty (Canigothere) I think she genuinely sometimes is in pain when they are wiping her and sometimes she may not be, but she remembers the experience.

I personally don’t use wipes at home, I always wash her - that’s always been my preference, and if we travel and it happens during the travel which it hardly ever does then I use water wipes.

I also sent them an email today asking them to switch to water - showing my proactiveness and showing it now in writing (sorry but my trust is now a bit lost so I want to make sure I protect me self). I also advised them in writing that the doctor’s appointment has been booked for the 6th March. Interestingly, the GP surgery said it’s the first time they hear nursery pushing for a child to be seen in 48 hours who is not in distress or in pain - they said that was very odd.

Those of you who mentioned me further reporting this just to protect myself as a mother- I did speak obviously to GP already, I spoke to Health visitor about what’s going on etc. In your opinion, who or what organisation should I speak to next - is it worth me contacting Mesh as well and explaining situation from my side?

again thank you all for the support

Yes that’s exactly how it feels - covering their backs and my dd room manager agree with me - she feels bad for what is happened and she said to me she just wishes this will end - feels like witch hunt.

i may be overreacting but I want to ensure I give them no reason to build a case against me - everything is in writing now, to them almost on daily basis - any conversation that ever happened is now written up and summarised to them in an email. Maybe someone says it’s a crazy way to act but better to shut this down early so they have no ammunition.

what other professionals can I contact - I did GP and health visitor - both are not too concerned at all. Should I ring Mesh directly and talk to them?

I think you’re getting a bit wound up. She’s got a sore bum and it’s making nappy changes hard at nursery because she’s remembering that the way they clean her – with wipes she’s intolerant to – hurts. If they switch to using water/water wipes hopefully the soreness will clear up and everything will go back to normal.

Interestingly, the GP surgery said it’s the first time they hear nursery pushing for a child to be seen in 48 hours who is not in distress or in pain - they said that was very odd.

But she is distressed at nursery

I wouldn't get any other agencies involved yet, why would you? You're over egging this a bit now I feel, (I get why, I'd be the same) but you've contacted her gp and health visitor, why put yourself infront of anyone else at this stage? At the end of the day we are just talking about a sore bottom at change time

I wouldn't contact the MASH. If they had an immediate concern they would have contacted you already.

For me, aside from demanding an apt within 48 hours, the issue is also that they're so busy focusing on you as the issue, they're not actually being proactive about what's happening. Is it a child who is being stubborn, is she sore, is she scared, have they done something or is it something else.

After picking her up this evening, I spoke to the manager on my way out, he is the one I usually deal but he was off for a week so is getting up to speed with what happened, he was very reassuring that they are just following their procedures and after the GP confirms everything is ok - everything would just go away.

I also spoke again to my daughter’s room lead as I wanted to find out how she went today, and she mentioned to me that my daughter still don’t let them change her laying down but is apparently absolutely fine when being changed standing up. I triple checked with her whether she is sure she is always ok with the standing up option and she said yes. So then I asked so what’s the problem? Why do I have to go to the GP when she has been fine all along with the new solution. Her reply was that two of the girls/staff (if I had to venture a guess I would say one of them is her key person since she changes her the most) thinks it’s an odd behaviour and complained to the management. They said that no other child seems to behave like etc. That’s the first time this was presented to me in this way.

I guess after the GP visit I am sure they will leave me alone.

As someone who has worked in childcare I am a bit baffled that they think it's an odd behavior. Nappy changing is routinely a bone of contention for many children. I'm totally that they would interpret it this way.

There is absolutely a place for safeguarding and it's always the overarching responsibility, but I just don't understand how they jumped straight to that as opposed to the myriad of other usual reasons with something as common as this.

I would take her to the GP to rule out medical issues. Ask nursery to use a different wipe on her as the nursery wipes are causing irritation. Consider moving nursery if you aren't happy with care.

So you’ll take her to the Dr and say what? “She’s fine at nappy changes with me, and fine when she’s changed standing up. She has no physical symptoms and only gets upset when nursery change her laying down”
If I was a busy GP I’d be thinking “what a waste of time and money this is when clearly they just need to change her standing up”
Personally if my child had no physical symptoms I would not be taking her to a Dr.

This isn’t how safeguarding works. Schools/nurseries/clubs/etc don’t get to demand that you take your child to a doctor and send them medical reports.

if they have a concern then they should report it to their designated safeguarding officer at CAMHS.

It sounds like to me that a worker was too rough and hurt her, and now they are taking the offensive route to cover their tracks. I’m not sure how it works because I’m in a different country, but for sure I would not take her back there. I would report them in fact.

I'd firstly rule out constipation as that's one of the main reasons (there are lots of reasons ) as to why little ones cry and dislike nappy changes. They are just doing there job but understandably it's not nice for any parent to be in this situation. My reaction would be to yes go get her checked to make sure she hasn't been hurt in anyway because I would be blaming the nursery if she had and would want to find out ASAP! I would of of made that clear to them aswell to not feel like im being made to but to tell them your concerned about her as it only happens at nursery and ur safe guarding her against them!

Maybe I'm being naive but how do you accidently hurt a child changing there nappy, especially enough to make them remember and cry every nappy change after??

ZOMBIE

@Mememoo why have you replied to a nearly year old thread?

Maybe they didn't realise. No harm done?