Is my nursery accusing me of abuse?

[Annas1237]

Hi all,

my daughter who is just over 2 years old has been going to the same nursery since she was one. Overall she has been pretty happy going and enjoys interaction with other children.

However, 2 weeks ago an incident happened where the nursery pulled me into a room when I came to pick up my daughter to report that my daughter has been refusing a nappy change and screams (more like alarming howling ) when they try to change her nappy. So obviously I was alarmed by that and at that point I suggested that maybe one of the staff unintentionally hurt her when doing a nappy change and since it’s a sensitive area she now remembers that and doesn’t trust them. The nursery uses wet wipes to clean and this does sometimes cause major irritation in that area. The nursery manager proceeded by saying that the staff is always very careful with nappy changing etc.
Then the nursery manager began by asking me whether everything is ok at home - to which I responded yes since I have not had my daughter really get overly upset over a nappy change ( she sometimes does wiggle but nothing overly concerning). Second thing they suggested is that my daughter might have a bladder infection or something else along those lines so it might a good idea to take her to gp- and since this happened on Friday, I told them that I will check to see how she is at home and make a decision on Saturday to whether to take her or not. The nursery manager was happy with that approach and we said our goodbyes and I went to get my daughter. When I came to her room and I asked a few of the key staff on what happened and as it turns out - her behaviour started after the 4th nappy change that day (which indicates to me that they are at fault here, probably weren’t careful and accidentally hurt her). But I didn’t blame them and was understanding since children can react strongly sometimes and I suggested that maybe she was sore when they used the wipes, which made it worse, especially since this happened towards the end of day.

Once we came home - my daughter was fine. On her first nappy change she did get upset (almost like she was remembering the past) but after I reassured her, but she has calmed down.

Come the next day which was Saturday, my daughter was absolutely fine, I was able to change her without a problem laying down so I decided not to take her to A&E. same thing on Sunday so no trip to doctor was needed.

The following week at the nursery, same thing happened (her not allowing them to change her nappy), her key person told me that they now change her nappy standing up as she just won’t lay down for nappy change. I told them if that works for now, just go with that approach until she forgets.

A week passed and nothing more was said to me of this issue even though I kept asking every day - the answer I got is she is still being changed standing up and she still won’t lay down.

Now just over a week later, yesterday, when I came to pick up my daughter I was asked to have a private chat. During which, I have been told that all the staff who dealt with my daughter on that day have signed a form explaining what they have been witnessing and that I need to take my daughter to a GP within 48 hours for a full examination including her private area and that I must adhere to that timeline or the nursery will have no other choice but to contact child services. The GP report needs to be sent to them either via email or printed and handed over. Obviously I was in shocked yesterday? How do we go from fussy child to this???

Obviously I will take my daughter to the GP and I feel awful that I have to put her through that ordeal (she will hate being stripped naked and touched by a stranger in this case gp) but i am left with no choice. Also I am hundred percent sure, nothing will be found in terms physically being wrong with her.

Mums, what rights do I have as a parent who has been put through this in such an insensitive and insulting way? Who do I complain to or contact? I am certain it’s their fault in terms of why my child had a reaction since as I mentioned before this happened on the 4th nappy change. It feels as though they want to pin everything on me. This has made me really upset to the point that I can’t sleep at night.. any advise on what to do next is really appreciated…

I'm no expert and its been a while since my dd was in nursery but the nursery demanding a copy of a medical report from a GP does not sound right and in your situation I would not give them it because they are not social services. If they threaten to call ss again, my response would be, no worries, I will also call them & will give them the report.

As a side note, I think your dd either has on infection or has made an association with the nursery changing her and pain (you said it had caused her irritation in the past)

They are just following safeguarding procedures. That's a good thing.

Whoah!! I do find that heavy-handed. However, on the other hand, they aren't doing this for fun - they're doing this for the safeguarding of your child. YOU may know there's no issue at home, but THEY don't.

This

And I have no issues with safeguarding but do it in an appropriate way where you don’t make a parent feel like I did something wrong and in a threatening manner when all ever did was trying to work with them to resolve the issue and tried to offer suggestions and for the last 3 weeks I never blamed them - just said maybe she had an unpleasant experience and now remembers. I would understand their behaviour if I refused to cooperate which I never did.

i know she has come back home with very irritated skin in the past and I have asked the nursery to always put more nappy cream on especially when they wipe her but since it happened only occasionally I didn’t really worry too much. I know they try their best and they are busy. I think the difference this time is her age - she has become more feisty (and I see this at home, nothing abnormal just a toddler developing and having more tantrums) and this time she remembered that something caused her pain and she just won’t have it.

Two of the girls that I am the closest to in the room (one of them is the room lead now) who have known my daughter longest and have a really good rapport with my dad think that something happened at that one time and now my dd remembers, and have now figured out that if she creams loud enough they will leave her alone.
The whole screaming thing she does with me too especially when I brush her teeth, she creams murder - but there is no pain or anything she just doesn’t want to brush her teeth - end of. I just never backdown or show that she is getting to me.

They have no right to obtain a medical report. Personally I would tell them I will take her to see her GP and if no problem is found I’d want an investigation regarding the nursery. You’re well within your rights & I would need reassuring at this point, if it’s only happening at nursery at certain times/certain people.

I had a childminder demand I take my son to the GP because he screamed hysterically during a nappy change and locked his legs rigid. They were at a garden centre.

Turns out he's autistic (didn't discover that for years). It was the hand dryers in the soft play toilets that made him act like that! Things are often not what they seem. He still won't use them at 10!

To those posts who are advising to take my daughter to a GP - I am booked for Monday. I couldn’t get an earlier appointment. But I will get her checked out.

Just want to reiterate that she feels absolutely fine at home and behaves fine at home - she is not in any pain. When she is pain believe me - she will let me know.

in my previous post I mentioned that I asked them to put in writing what they want the GP to do so here below is the letter word for word from the nursery (I have removed my dd’s name for privacy reasons). Btw it’s interesting that at the end they are asking for the outcome of the exam to be shared with me but yesterday they told me they want a copy of the report (of course that was done verbally). They didn’t put that in writing as they have no right as someone rightly pointed out before. Here is their letter word for word:

“To whom it may concern,

We have requested that mum has [child’s name] checked by a doctor as she is becoming increasingly upset during nappy changing times, the times when this happens seems to be when she has soiled. She is squeezing her bottom cheeks together, lifting herself up and fighting to get off of the changing mat as well as becoming obviously upset.

This has only happened over the last 3 weeks.
We are unsure if she is in pain or if there is something underlying which is why we have requested a doctors appointment as it is completely out of character and started suddenly, there has been no change to her routine or the person who is changing her which is why we believe that it could be something else.
We have changed the way in which we change [child’s name] and are now sitting her on a potty rather than changing her on a mat unless she soils. We have also tried changing [child’s name] on a changing mat on the floor and wiping her whilst standing up.
Please could the outcome be shared with mum so that she is able to share any information with us.“

DD is being a brat and you could make it easier for nursery by not allowing her to scream like that when she doesn’t like something. Mine would have had something taken away or the naughty step. You’re making a rod for your own l back. Bet nursery are fed up of her.

Have you actually read the OPs post? 🙄

Does she get upset if she is changed standing up or with the new routine? If not then I’d not be concerned. She’s 3 and expressing her preference and dislike for being changed lying down. We actually encourage our toddlers to be changed standing up as it develops independence.

there has been no change to her routine or the person who is changing her which is why we believe that it could be something else

That’s been worded in an extremely accusing way. They may be trying to safeguard your child and cover their backs, but they are going about it in the most appalling way. Toddlers play up and protest at nappy changes, something can trigger it or sometimes they just want to be toddlers and make it difficult. Nursery’s see this every day which makes the situation even more bizarre. Please contact every professional you can to show you have done your bit and to not give the nursery any ammunition to blame you.

Accusations aside, it does sound like she’s getting very distressed at nappy changes and that’s no good. Are they using the same wipes as you are, OP? DD had a very similar issue and it turned out that she was allergic to the wipes they used at nursery and they were really hurting her.

We actually encourage our toddlers to be changed standing up as it develops independence.

Well, I hear what you say, but it’s an absolute nightmare to try and clean a dirty bottom properly (poo gets everywhere in a nappy) with a toddler standing up, so I would encourage them to be lying down to be cleaned, for as long as they will tolerate it!

At 2 years old your little girl is unable to talk fluently and express herself properly.

As little as 20 years ago private nurseries barely existed, so mostly staff were able to discuss and chat with a child on what was making them so upset. At 3 years old which is the world standard starting point for nursery education a child can clearly discuss and answer any relevant questions.

The staff and your daughter's nursery have to adapt to their situation, which is dealing with much younger children that traditionally not so long ago would not be attending nursery.

The situation you describe is not ideal, but neither is nursery care at 2 years old. It is a by product of the modern world we live in today.

The nursery can't demand a copy of anything, its not their job to investigate, and they should already have referred into children's services if they're telling g you to see GP. A GP will only do a basic and superficial quick look and anything more in depth would be a forensic medical which absolutely would not be called for here unless there's something significant you're missing out. The nursery are behaving inappropriately and I would speak to health visitor but at the end of the day it isn't for them to demand your child has a medical examination and I wouldn't share any 'proof'. They're overstepping the mark pretending to be detectives. I would get her checked out for UTI though

Horrible and frustrating for you but they do need to have some kind of eye out for abuse. You've got the raw end of safeguarding I would suck it up but have a frank conversation about this being a nursery problem.

She's 2 - 2 year olds don't have the ability to comprehend that. Punishments for a toddler who's sore/frightened? Are you fucking serious?

I'd be inclined to go to the gp anyways to rule out anything medical that could be causing her discomfort etc. And to be honest I'd want to know for my own peace of mind that things are OK. Does she have a rash or look irritated that you think wiping is hurting her? Do they need to switch to water and cotton pads for a while to let things settle if there is irritation? Is there a dietary intolerance that could be causing irritation. If you can change her fine at home then yes I'd suggest the issue is at nursery specifically but I'd go to the gp to confirm this. Then I'd ask for them to detail their process for nappy change and I'd probably ask that she be changed by two staff rather than one or changed in an open area. Does her behaviour seem normal otherwise in terms of sleeping/emotionally/ with others etc. I wouldn't blame the nursery for following their safeguarding processes.

Have you met a child of that age?

Also let's remember that we know that teaching children bodily autonomy and consent and being able to say no when they don't like something helps protect children from abuse. Why on earth would you teach your dd that if she doesn't like being touched especially in a private area that she needs to shut up and take it or be disciplined... What a ridiculous comment. Naughty step generally also found to be pretty determental to children's self esteem and development and not as effective as you seem to think.

Op has already said that she screams the place down when she doesn’t like something at home such as brushing teeth.
Shes clearly not sore as op said she doesn’t scream for nappies at home specifically. Ever heard of terrible 2s! Kids get bratty and push boundaries at that age . It needs pushing back a bit to show them it’s not on.

How embarrassingly ignorant you are on child development.

All in the same week, I would:
Take her to GP, report nursery to ofstead and take her out.
Potty train her and find a new nursery.

I agree with this. You accused them during your first chat with them and then never got your daughter seen, despite knowing nappy changes were still uncomfortable for her.

This isn’t about your rights or feeling hurt, it’s about your child. If they didn’t safeguard your child, then you could complain! You feel accused and you’re going on the defensive. That’s not going to help your daughter.

I wouldn't be taking her to the doctor when there's nothing wrong with her. You've done nothing wrong there fore you have nothing to worry about. Let them report you. They will see there is nothing wrong. Be assertive and confident. Tell them it's their problem not yours. Your daughter is fine with you and not with them. Don't let them bully you into putting her through an examination she doesn't need.