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Original poster

Son won’t spend the night at mil’s house

113 replies

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/03/2023 10:07

I wouldnt want to stay either with all that pressure!! And no, he should not be forced. Some kids want their own bed every night. Some kids know who they want to spend lots of time alone with and who they don't.

You tell your partner to respect his sons preferences over anyone else's.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/03/2023 10:07

Listen to him. If he doesn’t want to go, you can’t force him.
is your partner his dad?

SeaToSki · 01/03/2023 10:09

Maybe he can have a sleep under rather than a sleep over

He stays until just before bedtime, gets into jammies and has popcorn and a movie etc then you pick him up just before betime.

i think its fine for him to not want to sleep away from you and you should respect his feelings. He is more likely to be more confident in sleeping away if you build him up to it rather than force it on him

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Shinyandnew1 · 01/03/2023 10:12

What’s the best way to deal with this situation

It sounds like they are really stressing him out by asking all the time. I would put a complete ban on them asking for at least a year. If the idea to stay over comes from him-later on down the line-all well and good.

flapjackfairy · 01/03/2023 10:13

my youngest daughter was like this and didnt go on a sleepover until well into her teens. She is a home bird and just prefers being in her own home more than anywhere else. Dont force him to go that will be v damaging. His grandparents and indeed his parents need to respect his wishes on this.

35965a · 01/03/2023 10:15

Then trying to bribe him into it is pretty vile behaviour, what is that teaching him? He doesn’t want to and that’s the end of it.

JenniferBarkley · 01/03/2023 10:15

Lots of people are happier in their own bed. If you need him to stay, could you stay too to ease him in? But I'd be inclined to just take it off the table, and tell the ILs to give it a rest for a while.

pjani · 01/03/2023 10:16

I agree with everyone else, listen to him. He’s a person with clear needs and wishes. I don’t understand why they would be overridden and even why ILs want to force him. Why force someone to spend a night with you when you know they don’t want to and will likely be upset by it? What’s the great benefit of it? Spend some lovely time with him during the day and everyone wins.

LlynTegid · 01/03/2023 10:17

Does he stay at his other grandparents' house (assuming this is an option and apologies if they are deceased)?

Topseyt123 · 01/03/2023 10:18

MIL and SIL need to be told bluntly to stop pressuring him and to respect him when he says no. You can tell them this in front of DS too, then he knows that you have his back here.

Your partner is an arse here too. There should be no forcing. If DS is uncomfortable with this then he just isn't ready and forcing could affect him very badly. He may be ready at some point, or he may just be a home body and never want to do this. His choice and fine either way.

whoruntheworldgirls · 01/03/2023 10:18

No he shouldn't be forced and they should drop it, my 6yr old loves her Nanna to pieces but still doesn't want to sleep over, unless she's on holiday she wants to be in her room/bed where she feels most comfortable

Pinkypurplecloud · 01/03/2023 10:18

I’d be having strong words with MIL to stop badgering and pressuring the child to do something he clearly isn’t comfortable with. Why on earth are you letting them attempt to bribe him to stay? If there’s no reason he needs to stay over (ie you don’t work night shifts and need the childcare) then he can just do daytime visits. His comfort comes above MIL wanting to host sleepovers.

LoopDiL00p · 01/03/2023 10:18

Putting pressure on him is pretty awful behaviour from them. It's not his fault they bought a bed for him before knowing whether he'd be up for it.

I agree they need to be banned for asking for a while. And let him decide for himself when he's ready.

Alternatively if you do want to encourage him, can you do a few overnights together if you haven't already?

kirinm · 01/03/2023 10:19

He's 7. Why is he being coerced into staying?

FictionalCharacter · 01/03/2023 10:20

Poor little boy. He really, really doesn't want to stay, and there's no reason for him to, other than to please the in laws, so he should be allowed to sleep in his own home. Of course he shouldn't be forced, what an awful suggestion from your partner. It would be very distressing for him if he said he didn't want to stay and you just left him there.
What's wrong with them, repeatedly asking him why and trying to bribe him? They sound intense and overbearing and this must be even more off-putting for him.
If a child couldn't even be bribed to stay in my house I'd get the hint.

AnnaMagnani · 01/03/2023 10:21

The best way is to stop pressurising him and accept he likes visiting but doesn't want to stay over.

B0g · 01/03/2023 10:24

Why does your boyfriend think forcing a child to stay overnight with people he doesn’t want to, is a good parenting idea? What’s so appealing to these people about a child sleeping in their house against his will? Really strange. Don’t allow them to keep pressuring your child. Advocate for him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 01/03/2023 10:27

Will he stay over if you/DP do?

Does he stay over elsewhere?

Has he ever stayed over without you?

Abouttimemum · 01/03/2023 10:33

He doesn’t need to stay over anywhere if he doesn’t want to.

How about you stay there with him so he feels secure?

Mammillaria · 01/03/2023 10:43

My youngest didn't like staying with (and eventually any sort of unaccompanied visits with) one set of GPs. Rather awkwardly she enjoyed sleepovers with friends and the other set of GPs.

She's a young teen now and said it was because although she loved her grandmother she was also a little scared of her! Grandmother is kind and well-meaning, but VERY overbearing and would trample all over DD's boundaries without realising it.

In our case it was just a personality clash and they get on perfectly well now DD is older, about a foot taller and able to stand up for herself!

cheapskatemum · 01/03/2023 10:56

Yes @Mammillaria, I was thinking there could be a straightforward reason why OP's DS doesn't want to stay over. Has anyone actually asked him?

ItsaMetalBand · 01/03/2023 11:00

DS loves having his friends over for sleepovers, but he's not keen to go on one himself. He did one once, at cousins he knew really well.

I've told him that if he does ever go on a sleepover with his friends that I can promise I will be at home and if at any stage he wanted to be picked up, no matter the reason, the adults could ring me and I'd come and get him.

If your DS isn't ready, he's not ready. He might just be like my own guy who likes his own bed and his own familiar stuff around him.

user1498572889 · 01/03/2023 11:09

He obviously is not comfortable staying overnight. Dont force him.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 01/03/2023 11:12

I didn't want to stay at anyone's house when I was younger. Used to try and even get out is going to my dads. Not because it was 'bad', I just used to like staying at home in my own bed. It would annoy me more if someone would keep going on about it.

Don't force him if he doesn't want to go.

saraclara · 01/03/2023 11:14

Have you stayed over with him? The first time I had my DGD for a sleepover, DD stayed too.

It's useful to have sleepover options for emergencies, so if you both stay maybe he'll find that more comfortable, and then be able to progress from there.

But yes, the pressure at the moment is counter productive.

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