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Original poster

Son won’t spend the night at mil’s house

113 replies

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

OP posts:

Lambchop1 · 01/03/2023 11:15

Why is there so much pressure on this child to make other people happy? It’s madness. He doesn’t want to go and all the adults should accept that and stop trying to manipulate him with gifts. How awful for this child.

Tdcp · 01/03/2023 11:18

DD is 8, she doesn't sleep out. She hates the idea so I don't even ask her. If she gets to the point that she wants to she'll ask to herself.

ShippingNews · 01/03/2023 11:20

My son never slept away from home until he left home . I can't imagine anything worse than being forced to do so. You should advocate for him and tell your DH family that he won't be sleeping over.

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LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 01/03/2023 11:23

Horrible to even consider forcing him. How do you imagine that feels to him? Have some empathy fgs

diddl · 01/03/2023 11:31

His Dad is a twat.

What's the fucking big deal that he doesn't want to stay over?

Poor little mite says yes to get them to stfu!

Tell them it's a big fat no & to shut up about it.

justhaveahalf · 01/03/2023 11:32

I'm not sure what kind of message you're teaching the kid that if he says no to something he'll be hounded and bribed (and forced by your partner)

Why would you do that?

LadyHarmby · 01/03/2023 11:36

Poor kid. So much pressure. Tell them to back the fuck off! You’re his mum, you need to have his back on this and stand up to all of them because he can’t.

BlueSeaWave · 01/03/2023 11:39

We, let him stay at home??
Hes picking up on this being fucking weird and is under pressure to say yes in front of them and then breaking down at home when he can say his true feelings. Buying him a bed and setting up a bedroom is confusing. When we had niece/nephew it was because they wanted to come and we would never have forced them or made a room for them.

Listen to your son. Don’t fucking force him.

BlueSeaWave · 01/03/2023 11:41

Oh. And you’re teaching him that his feelings and autonomy don’t count and he has to do what adults say to please them: the opposite of what we try and teach children about abuse and covering it up

ImustLearn2Cook · 01/03/2023 11:51

I agree with the rest, don’t force him, respect his wishes on this.

I wonder if your partner has been conditioned by his mum pressuring him all his life. He might not know how to have healthy boundaries with her.

Newuser82 · 01/03/2023 12:02

I wouldn't force him either. My son is similar. My in laws decorated a room for him, new bed, bedding etc. He hasn't stayed over once.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/03/2023 12:02

It's honestly a bit disturbing how insistent your in laws are with the bribing, if they love him they should respect his decision, they are only thinking of their own happiness here which is horribly selfish.
Tell them to stop or he may want to not come for a visit at all soon.
I don't even know what to say about your partners idea about ' forcing ' him wtf?!

You need to advocate for your son otherwise he will not feel comfortable telling you about anything serious thay could happen to him in the future.

chezpopbang · 01/03/2023 12:14

I hate spending the night at over peoples houses and always have. Hated sleep overs most the time. I like my bed with my comforts. I have always found it hard to drift off to sleep and need to be around what I know to make that easier. Some people just like to be at home.

gamerchick · 01/03/2023 12:17

Well if someone tried to make you sleep somewhere you didn't want to. What would you do OP?

Listen to to the bairn.

bussteward · 01/03/2023 12:21

Tell MIL, SIL and your partner to back off and defend your son’s right to sleep at home. Repeatedly putting him under so much pressure is awful.

waterrat · 01/03/2023 12:35

My 8 year old has never had a sleepover even with family. she just wants me nearby!

rogueone · 01/03/2023 14:01

My 8yr old has never slept at his grandparents home. He gets anxious at the idea of being away from me and when it was suggested asked if I could come. My older DC happily stayed over at the same age however my 8yr old hasnt seen them much due to lockdown and distance. His father was also ill for a while so he mummy clingy so I cant see a time he would stay there. I certainly wouldnt be putting my DC in a situation where he has made clear he isnt comfortable with.

Is there any others in MIL home as he may not find it as enjoyable as you think when he is there during the day

Talkinrubbishagain · 01/03/2023 17:53

ask them to stop asking him…it will only make him worry.
Poor little boy.
they are being really selfish and insensitive.

Rtruth · 01/03/2023 17:56

Firstly, I’d want to know why, there is clearly something worrying him, so main concern would be what is it?

My DD wouldn’t stay at either parents or in laws randomly at 8. She’s always been staying there so it was odd. She started then having panic attack type fits when we made her. Found out at MIL she had seen a fox in garden and FIL had mentioned about fox biting someone.
So she didn’t want to bit by a fox, that was it. As soon as we discussed it she was fine the next time.

oosha · 01/03/2023 17:59

If he doesn’t want to stay over then respect his choice. How would you or your partner feel if someone forced you to do something you didn’t want to.

B0g · 01/03/2023 18:03

Just saw your other threads. You need to advocate for both of your children and stop passively allowing your deadbeat boyfriend and his weirdo relatives to lie to you and bully your child and pour tea on your baby. Come on, they can’t rely on the deadbeat to parent, sadly, so you’re all they’ve got.

Divorcedalongtime · 01/03/2023 18:05

I hated sleeping anywhere but my own bed as a child, please don’t try to make him.

BollocksToThem · 01/03/2023 18:08

The fact that they repeatedly ask and have resorted to bribery tells me that are not respecting your sons boundaries
Tell them to stop asking him as its not going to happen unless he says he wants to without their nonsense

WhistleWhileIWork · 01/03/2023 18:08

He says yes to their faces because of all the pressure and emotional blackmailing they're putting him under. It shuts them up. But then he's clearly stressing over it until he tells you in the safety of his own home.

No, he should not be forced. Kids need to learn ASAP about choice and to be confident in articulating and communicating their feelings and wishes. But ignoring his wishes and forcing him to do something he's really not comfortable with, just to please other people, sets a really bad example. It's coercion for gods sake. How awfully cruel at such a young age.

His wishes not to go for a sleepover trump anyone else's desire for him to do it. No means no. I'm not sure why, just because he's a child, his 'no' isn't being accepted. He's just being ground down until he does it.

Awful.

As a grown woman in her 40s I'm still learning how to say no to people and often put myself through things I dont want to do just to.please others because I had parents who were like this - you do as you're told whether you like it or not!

Don't force the poor kid, he has a right to say no.

2bazookas · 01/03/2023 18:09

Teach son its fine to reply "Not yet thanks, I'm going to wait until I'm older for sleepovers."

If they then pester him for reasons/with bribes, you step in and shut it down firmly.

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