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Original poster

Son won’t spend the night at mil’s house

113 replies

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 01/03/2023 21:30

What’s the best way to deal with this situation?

The best way to deal with this situation is to listen to your son and to respect his views, wishes and feelings.

He's made it quite clear he doesn't want to go for a sleep over, so everyone needs to back off and shut up about it.

He is allowed to say, "No, " and it is not for MIL, DP et al to try and browbeat him into submission. Angry

Poor little boy.

celticprincess · 01/03/2023 21:32

We had this with my cousin. They always want my kids to sleep over. She and her husband have a lovely big house, lots to do and no children of their own. Kids happy to visit but not sleep. They used to ask a lot but I think have given up. They say they would sleep if I went to sleep there too (there’s plenty of space) but I’m personally not a fan of staying over at peoples houses myself. They’re on sleeping at my mum’s. Their dad and I are divorced so have been used to staying at his regularly since they were little. They sleep over at his parents but less often due to distance. But when younger they didn’t often like it. Sometimes his sister would offer them to sleep over when they visited over there and the eldest would but the youngest didn’t for quite a few years.

I guess it’s harder when it’s grandparents. Mine have no choice if I want to be able to go out on an evening as my DM is disabled and my house isn’t accessible for her - no downstairs loo and she can’t climb stairs. So if their dad can’t have them and I want to go somewhere (which isn’t that often) they do sleep over. Even now aged 10y DD has a moan about it but they’re fine when they go.

Everyonesinvited · 01/03/2023 21:40

He shouldn't have to go. It doesn't matter what they've bought. It's about him not them getting their fun.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
pinkpantherpink · 01/03/2023 21:43

Absolutely do not force him to stay. That's a terrible idea.

You may not know why he feels this way but his view should be respected.

Suggest when Mil and Sil press him that you, as the appropriate adult, is firm and tell them that you respect his decision. Make sure the conversation ens right there

Original poster
abi9396 · 01/03/2023 21:44

I would never force my son son to stay anywhere that he didn’t want to. I’ve told him if he chooses to stay then he can and if he doesn’t want to then that’s absolutely fine. I am annoyed with mil and sil and that they keep going on at him to stay there. My partner is his dad, I think he just feels bad for his mum (mil) wanting her grandson to stay the night but my
partner has seen my
point now that he shouldn’t be forced. He just prefers being in his own home with us. It’s not just mil’s house he won’t stay at, he won’t stay at my mums either and that’s fine. When he’s at mil’s I think he just tells them he will stay as he feels like he has to yes as they nag him
about it so much. I’m not often there at mil’s house when he’s goes over so I only hear about it when my son comes home and gets upset about it. I think I need to chat with them and let them know how upset he’s getting about it

OP posts:
ChappellApple · 01/03/2023 21:47

My youngest stopped sleeping over at my MIL's house bc they would scream and cry to come home in the middle of the night (we just presumed it was separation anxiety). As soon as they were old enough to disclose, they told us that Grandad (my Husband's stepdad) had been grooming them. Unfortunately, as My child clammed up after that, the police couldn't go any further, as DC would only speak to me about it. We knew the old bastard was miserable/grumpy, but not like 'that'. If your child does not want to be around someone, LISTEN TO THEM! Mine was too young to say/had speech problems so couldn't verbalize until they got older... Suffice it to say, we don't speak to MIL anymore, as the old cnut expected us to take the side of a filthy old sht in his 50s, believing him/supporting him over our own child? The evil auld bag and its pervert spouse have been Ded to us for years now. Child services wouldn't want them near our family anyway (even though the police couldn't do anything).

Diva66 · 01/03/2023 21:47

I’d try to find out why he doesn’t want to stay, but without pressuring him in any way. I definitely wouldn’t force him, he should be free to make the choice.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/03/2023 21:47

Poor bloody kid. Everyone needs to leave him alone.

Why do people think it's a good idea to make children do things they don't feel comfortable with? All it does is show them their feelings don't count.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/03/2023 21:57

Mine used to enjoy seleeping over at my mum and dad's house but they'd done it from a few weeks old with me there too at first, putting them to bed, then progressing to DH and I going out at their bedtime so that nanna was doing the bedtime routine, and they knew we would be staying over later on and seeing to them if they woke in the night. Then it progressed to one night at a time without us there at all but coming back in the morning etc etc.

So they were just used to it from very young. If they don't have that type of relationship with your DS I could easily understand why your DS is reluctant to stay over. It's a bit too late now for it to be a natural thing for him. It now is up to HIM to choose to do it if he wants to.

Original poster
abi9396 · 01/03/2023 22:17

LlynTegid · 01/03/2023 10:17

Does he stay at his other grandparents' house (assuming this is an option and apologies if they are deceased)?

No it’s not just mil’s house he refuses to stay at he won’t stay at my mums either

OP posts:
CountessWindyBottom · 01/03/2023 22:18

No no no no no! The child has said no and for whatever reason, you simply must respect his wishes.As should his grandmother and auntie. In fact, I would go as far as to stipulate that any mention or requests of sleepovers is strictly off the table as your child is finding it upsetting.

I'd also gently find out if he has some negative associations with being there. Does Granny have a boyfriend? Or Auntie? His reaction seems quite extreme and this may be due to the horrible pressure he is being put under or there may be something else so I would definitely have a little chat at a later stage about it.

I was never allowed on sleep overs as a child (except to my grandparents with my siblings periodically....we loved it!) When I used to strop at my parents and ask them why I wasn't allowed to friends houses they always used to say they didn't know what third parties may be visiting etc etc.

Calphurnia88 · 01/03/2023 22:22

B0g · 01/03/2023 18:03

Just saw your other threads. You need to advocate for both of your children and stop passively allowing your deadbeat boyfriend and his weirdo relatives to lie to you and bully your child and pour tea on your baby. Come on, they can’t rely on the deadbeat to parent, sadly, so you’re all they’ve got.

Also read the other threads.

@abi9396 it does not sound as though your MIL and SIL can be trusted with your children unsupervised.

You need to tell them (and your partner) to stop pressuring your son into stopping overnight when he clearly doesn't want to. It's totally unfair on him and the bribery aspect is weird AF.

Then you need to find out from DS why he doesn't want to stay over. It wouldn't surprise me if there was more to this.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 01/03/2023 23:02

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 22:17

No it’s not just mil’s house he refuses to stay at he won’t stay at my mums either

Show quote history

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to sleep over anywhere else? If you could get to the bottom of it, perhaps talking it over with you would help him. Either he could be reassured and be able to cope with it, or at least you would better understand why he feels he can't.

EezyOozy · 01/03/2023 23:03

Poor kid, they all need to leave him alone. It’s a bit bloody weird that they’re so obsessed with it. He’s only 7. Absolutely do not make him go.

Original poster
abi9396 · 01/03/2023 23:10

OhNoNotThatAgain · 01/03/2023 23:02

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to sleep over anywhere else? If you could get to the bottom of it, perhaps talking it over with you would help him. Either he could be reassured and be able to cope with it, or at least you would better understand why he feels he can't.

Show quote history

I’ve had a chat with him about it earlier on and it’s nothing they’ve done that makes him not want to stay there he’s said he just wants to be in his own home. He doesn’t like being away from us. He’ll be okay for a couple of hours if we need mil to look after him for us but he’s ready then for us to pick him up and take him home. He has told me when they keep on at him about staying he just says yes so they stop asking. I know I need to chat with them and tell them how it’s effecting him.

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 01/03/2023 23:21

I know I need to chat with them and tell them how it’s effecting him.

Why has it taken you so long?

Why do you think it’s appropriate for people to bribe and pressure your child?

You’re supposed to be his main advocate, and yet you’ve allowed them to emotionally dump on him for a very long time. You’ve allowed him to take the emotional burden on himself. That’s going to leave a mark.

Geppili · 02/03/2023 00:24

He is only 7. Listen to him and tell MIL to back right off.

FictionalCharacter · 02/03/2023 03:26

Calphurnia88 · 01/03/2023 22:22

Also read the other threads.

@abi9396 it does not sound as though your MIL and SIL can be trusted with your children unsupervised.

You need to tell them (and your partner) to stop pressuring your son into stopping overnight when he clearly doesn't want to. It's totally unfair on him and the bribery aspect is weird AF.

Then you need to find out from DS why he doesn't want to stay over. It wouldn't surprise me if there was more to this.

Show quote history

OH! Yes I’ve now looked at the other threads and remember them.

@abi9396 You didn’t mention in your OP here what an interfering, weird person your SIL is. She sounds absolutely obsessed with your children in an extremely unhealthy way. She’s telling you how to parent and thinks she knows better than you. She’s an absolute bully with weird ideas about childcare. This is not normal, not at all good for your kids and you’re being undermined as a parent. MIL and SIL absolutely can’t be trusted with your children. No wonder your son doesn’t want to stay with them, god knows what stupidity they get up to when your back is turned going by your other posts. Why on earth do you even think about leaving your kids with them overnight? Is this your useless boyfriend’s idea and are you too scared to say no?

Instead of questioning yourself and musing about this on chat, you should put your foot down. You know very well these people are not fit to look after children and you should put a stop to all this.

kennycat · 02/03/2023 03:33

Do you mean sleep there without you or his dad? I wouldn’t ever have dreamt of wanting to stay anywhere without my parents until I was at least 11 and probably later.
i don’t get this thing about chn ‘sleeping iver’ ar grandparents’ houses all the time. Seems bonkers to me to have chn then send them away to the oldies!! Just one thing my husband and I actually have the same view on.

don’t make your son stay and what a loon your mil is for assuming he’d stay.

DancingDaughter50 · 02/03/2023 07:24

Good luck op and definitely chat with them.
Unfortunately it's a certain type of personality that puts endless repetitive pressure on small children so it's not going to be easy.
My Mil eyes glazed over when I tried to tell her dd was unhappy about something she was doing at mils. She said "she doesn't complain here and she's fine?". She wouldn't listen and kept doing it.

Re sleep over again poor dd would come home using a tone and voice that wasn't hers saying " I wanna sleep at grandma's" but the next day she would say absolutely no to sleeping over.

As an aside it doesn't matter if ops son lives at his other grandma's house it doesn't matter what goes on with him and other people.

He doesn't want to sleep over there that's the only relevant part.

DancingDaughter50 · 02/03/2023 07:28

People are referring to other threads I've not seen and I'm not sure unless the op herself wants to link that it's the done thing to link?

Perhaps she didn't want to link the threads?
However if there is more of this type of behaviour I strongly suggest you start a secret stragety to pull back massively.
It's natural as dd gets older and wants to be with friends. Start saying no ever so slightly more often to visiting and have other things to do and gently minimise visits and make sure you are always there as well.

Maybe get them out the house eg... So sorry jam packed few weeks however he's desperate to go to the park would you like to meet us there etc.

Chestnutlover · 02/03/2023 09:03

I was always forced by my parents at this age and I still feel sad about it sometimes! when you’re it can be really traumatic

mustgetoffmn · 02/03/2023 09:06

Why does he need to stay over at their house (assume you mean without parents)? I don’t understand. Surely daytime visits or family overnights is quite enough? He has a bed at home.

mustgetoffmn · 02/03/2023 09:08

kennycat · 02/03/2023 03:33

Do you mean sleep there without you or his dad? I wouldn’t ever have dreamt of wanting to stay anywhere without my parents until I was at least 11 and probably later.
i don’t get this thing about chn ‘sleeping iver’ ar grandparents’ houses all the time. Seems bonkers to me to have chn then send them away to the oldies!! Just one thing my husband and I actually have the same view on.

don’t make your son stay and what a loon your mil is for assuming he’d stay.

This

FictionalCharacter · 02/03/2023 09:13

DancingDaughter50 · 02/03/2023 07:28

People are referring to other threads I've not seen and I'm not sure unless the op herself wants to link that it's the done thing to link?

Perhaps she didn't want to link the threads?
However if there is more of this type of behaviour I strongly suggest you start a secret stragety to pull back massively.
It's natural as dd gets older and wants to be with friends. Start saying no ever so slightly more often to visiting and have other things to do and gently minimise visits and make sure you are always there as well.

Maybe get them out the house eg... So sorry jam packed few weeks however he's desperate to go to the park would you like to meet us there etc.

I don’t think anyone has posted links to the previous posts, just said that they are there. OP has posted at least 3 previous posts about MIL and SIL’s behaviour and these posts give important context that’s been missed out here. OPs post here suggests that she doesn’t understand why the child doesn’t want to stay with them, as if it’s some irrational fear of his. But these are very odd, domineering, frankly unpleasant people and it isn’t the least bit surprising that the little boy doesn’t want to stay overnight.
If these were my kids I wouldn’t leave them there AT ALL, let alone overnight, but OP does- her choice but absolutely baffling given the way they treat her.