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Original poster

Son won’t spend the night at mil’s house

113 replies

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 02/03/2023 09:17

FictionalCharacter · 02/03/2023 09:13

I don’t think anyone has posted links to the previous posts, just said that they are there. OP has posted at least 3 previous posts about MIL and SIL’s behaviour and these posts give important context that’s been missed out here. OPs post here suggests that she doesn’t understand why the child doesn’t want to stay with them, as if it’s some irrational fear of his. But these are very odd, domineering, frankly unpleasant people and it isn’t the least bit surprising that the little boy doesn’t want to stay overnight.
If these were my kids I wouldn’t leave them there AT ALL, let alone overnight, but OP does- her choice but absolutely baffling given the way they treat her.

Show quote history

Exactly.

No one has posted links but the previous threads are available to view and it's clear that MIL and SIL have inappropriate boundaries when it comes to OP's children. I wouldn't want to leave my child unsupervised with them, let alone force them against their will.

RosaBonheur · 02/03/2023 09:24

Please don't let your MIL and SIL treat your son like the class guinea pig, or a toy to be shared. He's not. He's a little boy who wants to sleep in his own bed and not be forced to spend the night in a different house just because two adults who ought to know better want to treat him like a dolly.

I do not understand grandparent "sleepovers" at all. My son is younger, but the only time he's ever spent the night with my PIL was when I was in labour. My PIL came and slept in our spare room so that he could wake up in his own bed, surrounded by his own things, and suffer as little disruption as possible.

If he wants to go and stay with his grandparents when he's older, that will be fine. But otherwise, there is no reason for him to do so unless his dad and I have to go somewhere else and can't bring him with us.

ittakes2 · 02/03/2023 09:26

My 16 year olds prefer to sleep at home I see no reason why he should be made to sleep there.

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GreenSunfish · 02/03/2023 13:59

FictionalCharacter · 01/03/2023 10:20

Poor little boy. He really, really doesn't want to stay, and there's no reason for him to, other than to please the in laws, so he should be allowed to sleep in his own home. Of course he shouldn't be forced, what an awful suggestion from your partner. It would be very distressing for him if he said he didn't want to stay and you just left him there.
What's wrong with them, repeatedly asking him why and trying to bribe him? They sound intense and overbearing and this must be even more off-putting for him.
If a child couldn't even be bribed to stay in my house I'd get the hint.

This 👆

GingerNutMe · 02/03/2023 14:36

The simple answer is that you all stay, get him used to the idea. But never force him.

Welshmonster · 03/03/2023 20:30

Would he stay if you or dad stayed over? My kid didn’t like staying anywhere else ever and would cry. We were in a family hotel room - all three of us and he wanted to go home! My husband and I would lie in the dark room until he went to sleep!

what about reversing the sleepover so MIL stays at yours instead

cab your child articulate what he is worried about staying over somewhere else? If he doesn’t sleep over anywhere else then mil will just have to suck it up but if child willing sleeps over at other GP I can see why this is an issue but ultimately your kid is your priority. If partner wants him to stay then partner has to deal with all of it and be the bad guy

FamilyLife2point4 · 03/03/2023 20:52

Listen to your child, trust your instincts.

My ds is like this therefore DH goes with him to
mil’s to stay - if your DP wants him to go, he needs to go to (which doesn’t mean pissing off out to pub / mates and crawling in later - but actually staying through)

Manthide · 04/03/2023 08:07

I'm a grandparent and whilst I'd love my grandson and any future grandchildren to be comfortable sleeping over I wouldn't make special provision unless they had actually stayed over a few times - already have beds. My dgs is almost one and I babysit at his home atm.

RosaBonheur · 04/03/2023 10:45

Welshmonster · 03/03/2023 20:30

Would he stay if you or dad stayed over? My kid didn’t like staying anywhere else ever and would cry. We were in a family hotel room - all three of us and he wanted to go home! My husband and I would lie in the dark room until he went to sleep!

what about reversing the sleepover so MIL stays at yours instead

cab your child articulate what he is worried about staying over somewhere else? If he doesn’t sleep over anywhere else then mil will just have to suck it up but if child willing sleeps over at other GP I can see why this is an issue but ultimately your kid is your priority. If partner wants him to stay then partner has to deal with all of it and be the bad guy

The only issue is MIL not respecting her grandson's feelings.

Children - and indeed adults - generally want to sleep in the place they feel most safe and secure.

He doesn't need to be having sleepovers with his grandmother. What is the point? They should both be asleep for most of that time.

When children are older they might want to have sleepovers with their friends, mainly so they can not actually sleep, but lark around until they drop off with exhaustion.

What is the point of a sleepover with grandparents? Unless the parents need the grandparents to babysit overnight, there is no purpose to the sleepover unless both the grandparent and the child want to do it. And in this case, the child doesn't. The grandmother and aunt need to stop putting their own wants above those of a child they are supposed to care about.

And whether he sleeps over with his grandparents is completely irrelevant. My PIL live 10 minutes away and my son sees them all the time, whereas my parents live in another country. I would have no issues sending my son to sleep at my PIL's house, although the one time we did actually need them to care for him overnight they came and slept at ours instead, but I wouldn't send him to sleep at my parents' house because he's less familiar with them and they don't know his routine. When he's older I hope he will be able to go and stay with them without me needing to be there. But we will have to take things at his pace.

BlueVixen · 07/03/2023 13:36

If any of my three went on a sleepover I always told them they could ring me to pick them up - no matter what time. Dd went on a sleep over then she was about 14. She was very quiet when I picked her up the next morning. Eventually she told me that the father and daughter had a bust up and the dad lost his temper totally and was violent so the two of them just stayed in the bedroom well away from him. I wish she'd phoned me. It really affected her. Perhaps there's some behaviour that happens that in the home that your son doesn't like? Just a point of view.

Macinae · 08/03/2023 08:26

Just let him do what he's comfortable with. It's a good message to teach your child that they can set boundaries and that those boundaries should be respected.

I never wanted to sleep over anyone else's house until I was around 12.

Original poster
abi9396 · 09/03/2023 09:48

we visited mil at the weekend and she brought up about staying the night and my son said no again. We had a good chat with her and I said it’s completely my sons choice if he wants to stay or not. I said I’m more than happy for him to stay if he wants to and if he doesn’t then I will not force him. My partner now sees his mistake in trying to force him and has agreed it’s his choice. I just said maybe when he’s older he may change his mind but until then just to leave and stop nagging about it and they agreed and sort of seen point.

OP posts:
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 09/03/2023 09:59

Oh that’s really promising op. Thanks for coming back to update.

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