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Original poster

Son won’t spend the night at mil’s house

113 replies

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 01/03/2023 18:16

Has he ever stayed away from you? I mean fair enough if he doesn’t want to stay there specifically. But age 7 at my kids school they have an overnight residential which would be quite sad if the kid missed out.
Also not a chance in hell would I never have a weekend or night away without my kids. I’m sure some people do. But absolutely not from me. I need a break sometimes. So my kids being unable to stay away from me would never be an option

Middleagedspreadisreal · 01/03/2023 18:17

Whoa! Force him! What a terrible suggestion!
Has he stayed before? Has anything happened for him to say he doesn't want to or does he just not want to, which is fair enough if so. Bribing him is very unpleasant too. Put your foot down & say no.

WTAFhappened123 · 01/03/2023 18:38

You are his comfort and safety please don’t break that trust by forcing him UNLESS he HAS to go there because you’re going away etc

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KatherineJaneway · 01/03/2023 18:40

Is your partner his father?

Bekstar · 01/03/2023 18:42

Your son may have a fear of being away from home/mum & dad etc or his own bed. My DS slept at cousins plenty of times before the age of 2 but after waking in the night to find his Uncle had turned off the bedroom light as well as the hall light, which we always leave on, he panicked became disorientated and frightened since then he doesn't like staying over and that's his choice. Maybe instead of pressurising him like this they should try and see if he wants to stop a little later , maybe after tea to early evening at first, them increase that to them having a movie night and going home a bit later, and accept that if he's uncomfortable at any time they'll allow him to ring you to go home. This may be what's scaring him not having a get out ability. I know with my nephew the movie nights he had often led him to falling asleep and we'd put him to bed, if he later woke we'd try to calm him if that failed we'd ring mum and dad and let them know he was coming home. Some nights he slept thru. With our DS it's been a lot harder due to the fact an experience scared him. He still won't sleep over at his cousin but has done overnight scout trips because they always identify which kids don't like the dark, put them together with a nightlight available and accept their fears as real.

icelolly99 · 01/03/2023 18:57

You refer to them as MIL and SIL. Is this because they are not your sons actual Grandmother and Aunty?

JosieHetty · 01/03/2023 18:59

I have three children. None of them stayed at anyone’s house until they were around fourteen. Lots of offers but they declined. Why should they go? By contrast, we had regular friends of theirs to stay each weekend.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 01/03/2023 19:02

Also I'm guessing if they keep asking and he agrees at first, you at some point have to tell them he's changed his mind about going to stay over? Why can't they get the message that he doesn't want to have a sleepover and leave him alone?

MintJulia · 01/03/2023 19:04

Shinyandnew1 · 01/03/2023 10:12

What’s the best way to deal with this situation

It sounds like they are really stressing him out by asking all the time. I would put a complete ban on them asking for at least a year. If the idea to stay over comes from him-later on down the line-all well and good.

This. He isn't a toy or their weekend's entertainment. Tell them no! Problem solved.

RoseThornside · 01/03/2023 19:04

He says yes eventually when he's at their house because he's a child fgs who doesn't know how to keep standing up to them. Then he bursts into tears on the way home because it's all been so stressful and he feels bad about not wanting to stay the night and horribly pressured.

You need to tell them it's not for him - you are his mother, you need to back him and take a stand on his behalf. Explsin that it's not because he doesn't love them or anything, but because it's simply not for him.

Why on earth would you force him? Sounds weird and cruel.

Snippit · 01/03/2023 19:06

I used to be like this with my paternal gran and maternal aunty. I just never felt completely comfortable staying over at their houses. I can’t explain why, even as a teenager I didn’t want to.

Once my parents left me at paternal grandparents, my grandma had to take me home on the bus, I couldn’t stay there, don’t ask me why.

Don’t force him, like me he probably can’t put his finger on why. One day he may surprise you, but I didn’t change my mind.

RoseThornside · 01/03/2023 19:07

And is your partner his father?

If not, it sounds suspiciously as though partner wants child out of the way.

dementor72 · 01/03/2023 19:21

Be careful , I’m sorry if I cause any offence to you or other contributors, but as a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse this story has Red Flags for me. Trust your child and your gut .

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/03/2023 19:29

WTAFhappened123 · 01/03/2023 18:38

You are his comfort and safety please don’t break that trust by forcing him UNLESS he HAS to go there because you’re going away etc

This 100 per cent.
He needs to know you have his back. If you also cave to the pressure and force him, you would be breaking his trust.
Also. Inlaws and partner need to be told to back off. Why do they think its OK to upset him to get their own way. Its clear his feelings do not count for much with them. You need to put a stop to this. He's only 7

Simone91x · 01/03/2023 19:38

abi9396 · 01/03/2023 10:05

My son refuses to sleep over at mil and sil’s house. He’s 7, he doesn’t mind going over there in the daytime for a few hours but will not spend the night. When we go over for a visit mil and sil always bring up about staying the night, he says no straight away and then they keep on asking why and then try and bribe him to stay by telling him we’ll buy you whatever you want if you stay he says yes but as soon as we get home he starts to get upset saying he doesn’t want to go. I feel bad because they’ve bought him a bed and this stuff to stay there as he says yes when he’s there but as soon as he comes home he’s adamant he’s not staying. He’s getting really upset by this. I’ve told him I’m happy for him to spend the night and it’s his choice. My partner wants to force him to go but I can’t force him as I know he’ll be so upset. What’s the best way to deal with this situation

Listen to your child. There’s a reason he doesn’t want to go! Personally I wouldn’t try make him. He’s said he doesn’t want to go - find out why? X

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 01/03/2023 19:41

I'd be telling mil and sil it's off the table for a year, they need to stop asking and stop trying to bribe and telling them to stop if they bring it up. Leave if they won't stop. There are times kids need to do things whether they want to or not, a sleepover isn't one of those times.

TheySeeMeRowling · 01/03/2023 19:48

He doesn’t want to go. End of conversation.

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 01/03/2023 19:50

Why on Earth are you allowing people to bribe and pressure your child?

The answer is no. If they brought it up again after he said no they wouldn’t see him again until they can learn how to behave appropriately around children.

Bear127 · 01/03/2023 19:56

He’s 7. Respect his wishes. No means no. He’ll likely want to in time but he certainly shouldn’t be pressured or forced into it. His home is his safe place, it’d be cruel to take that away from him.

Hartlebury · 01/03/2023 20:26

What’s the best way to deal with this situation

You all leave him alone about it and stop making it weird? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Clarabell77 · 01/03/2023 20:37

I’d never force them to stay over anywhere. I used to stay with grandparents when I was young and I was totally fine with the idea of it but when it got to night time I just wanted to be in my own home and remember feeling really sad.

Lovely13 · 01/03/2023 20:51

Just tell all them, he will do it when he wants to. Stand up for him. They are being ridiculous. I’m with your son. I hate staying in other people’s houses! But I’m lucky I’m not 7 and can just say no with authority. You have to do it for him!

NeedSomeSpace · 01/03/2023 21:16

My 7yo is a huge extrovert, talks to anyone, really outgoing, but he only did one sleepover with Beavers and now doesn't want to. He says he had fun, but I think he doesn't like it being too dark. Of course the scout hut lighting isn't the same as his bedroom night light, plus I wonder if he might have been scared by some unfamiliar noises (other kids/snoring/rustling of sleeping bags etc).

We've left the Beaver sleepovers for now. If he doesn't want to do them, then he doesn't have to. He enjoys going to Beavers so it's nothing about the group/leaders/kids, he just likes his own bed I think.

Fundays12 · 01/03/2023 21:24

I don’t understand why your in laws are pressuring a child to stay at there house. It’s quite unusual behaviour and I would be putting my foot down and telling them to stop it. Your partner needs to respect your sons decision. One of my kids is 11 and has barely ever stayed away overnight. He doesn’t want too and we are fine with that. He isn’t keen on change and likes his own bed.

Hmm1234 · 01/03/2023 21:29

Listen to your son theirs a good reason why he doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping overnight there

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