Tiger parenting.. UK parents aren't capable?

[Shepherdspiemix]

I think international parents are much more stringent with their kids academically & musically. Especially Eastern European, Asian, Nigerian & German. This is both for state & private schools. Sport isn't as important to these nationalities. Music & grades are revered. Zero time given to roblox, social media or gaming. In my opinion UK parents are very lax in comparison. I know that won't be a popular opinion but that's my two cents.

I’ve noticed that too and I sometimes wonder if it’s a bit of a (middle class) British thing - always assuming everyone else does a better job (I’m an immigrant living in the UK btw).

I think you're right in that many other cultures and nationalities place a lot of importance of academic attainment. I agree that UK parents may appear lax in comparison.
However, I simply don't place the same importance in getting good grades and a high flying career. Of course, I'd like my children to do well so they have more options and I'd like them to earn enough to live comfortably. However to me, these things aren't the be all and end all of life. I place importance on many other aspects of life which are completely unrelated to achievement, money and high status careers.
My DH came from an Asian background and always had a lot of pressure to achieve and get the right type of job. Yes he did that and made his parents proud but it's come at a cost. He works ridiculously long hours, is often stressed and burnt out and he depends on antidepressants to help him function in his high flying career. I'm certain he would be far happier in a more mundane role earning 1/3 of what he earns now.
This is exactly why I won't be putting the same pressure on my children. Some of the happiest people I know are living very simple lives.

That would be great if statistically the mental health of children in the UK wasn’t shocking.

UK parents can also at times be hyper focused on grades etc but project a ‘we not doing much’ vibe. Also it is the way they say may not fully reflect reality, British dad with 8 years old son at Grade 8 piano and about to do diploma level just says…he plays piano for a few hours a week. The lovely African mother told me, he practiced 3 to 4 hours daily and loves it and they homeschooling to allow piano time but do sport clubs for social interaction. Same kid, different ways to explain he is a great pianist!

Its good isn't it that we don't tiger parent as it is notoriously linked with anxiety, stress and self harm.

Well I have read 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua, and I felt so sorry for her daughters! The way she brought them up was at the least verging on abusive.

I think we do all right in this country. There are many pushy parents and many very lax ones, everybody is different. It's about striking a balance. It's good to give your kids extra opportunities, but not good to not allow them time to relax, play, develop their imagination and just be a kid. Some children have an over busy schedule. Too much screen time is probably not great though.

The cultures and circles where parenting is done this way also see very high youth suicide rates. Not worth it at all. There's more to life that "high achieving". Never mind that living a life you enjoy with good physical and mental health should be seen as a very high achievement in itself.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen I am talking about my Nigerian neighbours & ds1's friend with Nigerian parents. There is a huge emphasis on education, music & cultural activities. The same with my dc's Eastern European friends & my Asian colleagues. Just talking from my view point.

I am too (although both nationalities) and one thing that struck me on moving back is how much our education system is modelled on the British one. In many countries it has a good reputation and the traditions haven’t changed much over time

I’m Asian, my seven year old plays computer games and takes part in sport (plays and watches). I don’t put pressure on him regarding school work, I don’t want to push him to achieve 9’s or even 8’s across the board. I want him to be generally happy, try his best most of the time and when it comes to GCSE to pick the subjects he enjoys. I’ll have the same expectations for our daughter.

Anyone is capable of using a parenting technique if they want to, they are limited to your ethnicity.

Pemba I agree. But the UK parenta don't tend to be pushy (or else they disguise it very well or are secret about it!)

Being lax (or letting your child explore their own interests) isn't the same as being incapable.

I know both Eastern European and South Asian families who are much more ambitious than we are . The children do a lot more extracurricular activities including sport and are highly academic . They also aim high .. one is talking about Oxbridge as their end goal .. her son isn’t happy and I don’t think she is either. My son is academic , does a sport but not much else but is happy . I’m hoping he finds his passion and does well but it’s up to him not me .

This is true but a happy child can also be one who is supported in their education, gets tuition when struggling, has lots of doors open because of good grades and doesn't have a lot of screen time.

An other example is a British friend of mine & her DH are red brick uni graduates. They are very boastful that their kids will be very successful as they have intelligent, bright parents.. The kids are feral & the parents can't get them to sit still for any length of time (pre teens)

I read that book 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' and saw her first hand account of how hard she worked, how much she pushed her kid, how tiring and draining it was and how much it took away from their family life and I got to the end and thought surely there has to be a balance? Her kid didn't even like playing the violin!

But this is anecdotal just like my DH's skiing experience where screen time was not an issue for German and East European parents, at the dinner table and even breakfast.

If the British are so bad at education why do we have some of the most prestigious universities and Independent schools in the world!

You sound like a lovely friend.

@Goldenbear alot of the top state schools & private schools are made up of children from Asian, Eastern European, African & American backgrounds.

Ah yes, Germany. Well known for being a sporting minnow.

It isn't about capability, it is about values.

I could be a really pushy parent if I thought that was how I wanted to bring up my dc, but that isn't the kind of childhood that I want for her, and tbh, I'm confident in her ability to excel and thrive without that degree of pushy parenting.

@Shepherdspiemix

So you are talking about immigrant families?

@Cakeandcardio I think she did become a bit more self aware towards the end and almost admitted she had gone a bit too far with it all, didn't she? It's been a while since I read it. She was certainly trying to force her daughters to follow the path she had decided, even if it wasn't right for them.

I am surprised her husband put up with it, as the father of the girls. He came from a different background I think? I imagine Amy had a very strong personality and just would have steam rollered over him. At the end I was a bit confused as to what her thoughts now were, was she still proud of her parenting method and setting herself up as a role model to other parents, or was she admitting she'd gone too far? I found it a bit ambiguous.

Children are not possessions and you shouldn’t live through them and make them little performers to show off about. As a parent, you need to nurture their social and emotional development foremost and make them feel unconditionally loved. Sadly, today’s performance based society directly conflicts with a lot of that. Children need to play for as long as possible and be out in the fresh air as much as possible exploring and exercising their bodies and work out what independence means. They need fresh food, talk about their feelings, work out their place in the world etc.
Developing gross motor skills is also incredibly important.
Making kids study too hard and read small texts and music (notes are shall) in artificial light is poor for their eyesight. Perhaps research the myopia trend amongst teens in China and then come back to the thread. Kids who play too many instruments for too long can develop posture problems, issues with joints etc too.

Shepherdspiemix, well yes, exactly, we must be doing something right as many international students wouldn't attend these institutions otherwise!