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Original poster

How do you handle people who forget to leave?

106 replies

Createth · 20/02/2023 10:04

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. Not sure it's relevant but her friend has mild ASD. We like her and DD being very chatty and loud, friend being quiet, they get on really well.

I invited them to our house yesterday for the first time. I was nervous about them overstaying as when we meet them at playgrounds the other mum is never in a hurry, could be stormy, could be dark, we have to keep pushing to leave.

Yesterday they came around 2 pm. The girls were having fun and around 4:30 pm the mum asked me what would be a good time to leave. I said 5:30, that would have given the girls 3.5 hrs play which is plenty. At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable.

Her DH had a few questions to ask my DH then around 6 pm her DK asked me what time is dinner for our DD. I said usually around this time but I still have to cook. He said OK. Their DD shouted down the stairs she didn't want to leave so could he come up and play camping. He went upstairs and didn't come down until 6:20 pm. At which point I said I need to start cooking for DD, can they get their DD?

The mum called DD, she came downstairs and said she doesn't want to leave, could she play longer? The mum said ok, you can play a bit longer. This carried on until 6:45 with her DD asking for more play.

At 6:45 pm they were standing by the door saying...yay, we are going!!...but they didn't even had their jackets or shoes on. I said, would you like your shoes?!! Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off, I said she can take it away as we don't need it for a while. Finally they were out just before 7 pm.

I was furious!!! It was past DD's dinner time and we skipped her bath as it was too late.

How would you deal with this? I assume when you give a person a deadline they'll stick to it?!

OP posts:
Thecomfortador · 20/02/2023 10:12

Think I'd have just said I need to make tea now and got on with it. Or say something like " thanks for coming, we do need to get tea and baths on now, so I won't keep you any longer " and call both dd's down as it's time to go. Maybe they're oblivious or just used to someone else taking charge. Or maybe they're just piss takers. Either way I'd get on with my tasks.

SnowdaySewday · 20/02/2023 12:08

The ASD may well be relevant as the parents might be using the strategy of repeatedly allowing her to play longer to avoid a melt down. They perhaps assume you know how long the transition takes for their DD and, now that you do, you could just tell them a pick up time far earlier to accommodate this

You could take control by telling the children (within earshot of the parents) how much longer they can play for, giving the reason (x will need to go home and y needs to have her dinner), and that you will warn them 5 minutes before the end so they can finish their game.
Set a timer on your phone.

Give the 5 minute warning and get everything (coats, shoes, parents) ready in that time. Tell children it’s time to finish playing, quick tidy up, hand child over and say goodbye, (walk them to the car/ gate if you need to get them out of the door - didn’t you see a bird/butterfly/cat/pretty flower earlier that might still be there?), send your child to do a job to do in another room, start preparing dinner.

Also, before play dates with this (any) child, put out of sight anything that they might want to take with them as a transition object that would upset you or your child if they borrowed it.

Arguelikeagrownup · 20/02/2023 12:11

"It's time for you to go home now"

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5 year olds Families
Shoxfordian · 20/02/2023 12:14

I’d have asked them to stay for dinner

seratoninmoonbeams · 20/02/2023 12:14

I agree with PP and with the park scenario just leave surely?! Say, we're going to make a move shortly to warn her and then make the move and go.

rexythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 12:15

It's always awkward when people clearly want to stay longer than is convenient for you as the host. I think you just need to politely take charge of the situation and repeated 'OK, it's been lovely having you, I need to get on with making tea now but let's do this again soon. Do you need me to get your coat/ shoes?' - shout down the kids - etc.

You can be assertive but polite in situations like this and I think it's partly on you to be honest that you didn't assert your boundaries enough.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 20/02/2023 12:16

Blunt but casual - "Sorry, I'm afraid I'll have to chuck you out now as I need to be getting on with the dinner."

FrenchandSaunders · 20/02/2023 12:21

We had a similar situation years ago … parents in the hall ineffectively calling their DS to come down …. 20 min passed then DH walked up
the stairs, picked the boy up, put him down in the hall and opened the front door.

potniatheron · 20/02/2023 12:21

I tell them to go. Simples.

sashagabadon · 20/02/2023 12:22

i used to drop home rather than the parent collect. Keeps going home time under your control and not theirs
and never allow your child into their house when dropping home or you have to spend half an hour leaving their house!
your child stay in car if possible or if old enough you stay in car with engine running

Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/02/2023 12:26

Omg I had a friend like this. I had 3 under 5 to get sorted. She hung around at tea time. And bath time.
She lived opposite us!
She also sent her dd to play at 8 am every Saturday!
I wised up and said they had their bedrooms to tidy before they could play put. Her dd offered to help! Fantastic! Her dd was a couple of years older...

BMW6 · 20/02/2023 12:26

Sorry but I need to start cooking dinner now so I'm chucking you out 🙂

TuesdayJulyNever · 20/02/2023 12:29

I drop the dc home after play dates. Saves all of this. And it makes the transition easier on my dc too as they have a walk or ride home after saying goodbye to their friend.

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 12:30

sashagabadon · 20/02/2023 12:22

i used to drop home rather than the parent collect. Keeps going home time under your control and not theirs
and never allow your child into their house when dropping home or you have to spend half an hour leaving their house!
your child stay in car if possible or if old enough you stay in car with engine running

That would not have worked for us, she would not stay without her mum, let alone go in someone else's car without one of her parents.

I do believe they let her play for as long as she wants to avoid a meltdown. But honestly this is becoming a pain and I'm reluctant to meet them very often.

I'd not have invited them for dinner as both my DD and their DD are picky eaters (difficult to accomodate both) and also never eat when they are together, just run around excitedly. We established before that we avoid lunches/dinners together.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 20/02/2023 12:33

So the mum was there all along? I’d just have told her, “right I need to get the dinner on, and it’s early to bed tonight”. When the kid kept asking to stay, dont just stand there, speak up, “no not today, I’m making dinner then it’s bath and bed” then you turn to the mum and say “can you go upstairs and grab her” then you turn to the dad who enters and makes himself comfortable “hi, sorry dont sit down, I’ll need to start on dinner and bed so you can’t stay”.

Just say what you want to happen.

TeenDivided · 20/02/2023 12:35

Pick a time a bit earlier than needed, eg 5pm.
At 4.45 tell the other Mum you will call up giving a warning, and do it.
At 4.50 call up saying time to stop, tidy up time
At 4.55 go up and get the children.

Don't be so passive in your own house.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 20/02/2023 12:35

Jesus christ.

Getting towards 5:30, I would have said to the other mum that we should get the girls ready, then I would have called them down, had the other child’s shoes and coat in my hand and thanked them for coming.

I’ve done this a few times, but to be honest, I find that most people aren’t like this and will make moves to go on time themselves.

Any protests from children about wanting to play longer are quickly shut down with “that’s lovely, but we have things to do and we’ll play again soon.”

If parents are just collecting I have their children ready to do out the door.

Mammyloveswine · 20/02/2023 12:35

Id have probably ended up having them all for tea and cracked open the wine for me and the mam! 😂

DH would've been furiously annoyed however!

TeenDivided · 20/02/2023 12:36

Also if the DD has ASD it is possible the Mum does too. In that case she might well not pick up on hints, so all the more reason to be direct.

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 12:37

fruitbrewhaha · 20/02/2023 12:33

So the mum was there all along? I’d just have told her, “right I need to get the dinner on, and it’s early to bed tonight”. When the kid kept asking to stay, dont just stand there, speak up, “no not today, I’m making dinner then it’s bath and bed” then you turn to the mum and say “can you go upstairs and grab her” then you turn to the dad who enters and makes himself comfortable “hi, sorry dont sit down, I’ll need to start on dinner and bed so you can’t stay”.

Just say what you want to happen.

Yes, the mum was there all along. We talked a lot about the kids and the fact that we like to stick to a routine. I just can't believe people would just overstay by 1.5 hrs. Didn't even apologise, got a text today to say what a great time their DD had and when can we meet again.

OP posts:
schnauzerbeard · 20/02/2023 12:40

I just can't imagine talking about making dinner and not offering them to stay for a meal. It would be so awkward to talk about making our dinner and wanting them to go.

Thesharkradar · 20/02/2023 12:40

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2023 12:14

I’d have asked them to stay for dinner

If you said that they would hear 'would you like to move in with us'!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 20/02/2023 12:40

In future I'd do play dates without the parents, and offer to drop their dd off. That way you don't have to deal with them taking forever to leave your house again and maybe your dd will be invited back to theirs as well so bonus! Grin

Thesharkradar · 20/02/2023 12:42

got a text today to say what a great time their DD had and when can we meet again
I would be thinking 'when hell freezes over'
Seriously I would just make sure that this situation cannot happen again, have very firm boundaries, don't let them in the house 😶

Lkydfju · 20/02/2023 12:45

To be honest after this I wouldn’t have them over again and would just meet up elsewhere. I have a friend like this and I don’t have her and her children over often for this reason and when I do I say I’ll be going out at a specific time and as it gets to then I start getting myself and my kids ready to prompt them out.