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Original poster

How do you handle people who forget to leave?

106 replies

Createth · 20/02/2023 10:04

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. Not sure it's relevant but her friend has mild ASD. We like her and DD being very chatty and loud, friend being quiet, they get on really well.

I invited them to our house yesterday for the first time. I was nervous about them overstaying as when we meet them at playgrounds the other mum is never in a hurry, could be stormy, could be dark, we have to keep pushing to leave.

Yesterday they came around 2 pm. The girls were having fun and around 4:30 pm the mum asked me what would be a good time to leave. I said 5:30, that would have given the girls 3.5 hrs play which is plenty. At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable.

Her DH had a few questions to ask my DH then around 6 pm her DK asked me what time is dinner for our DD. I said usually around this time but I still have to cook. He said OK. Their DD shouted down the stairs she didn't want to leave so could he come up and play camping. He went upstairs and didn't come down until 6:20 pm. At which point I said I need to start cooking for DD, can they get their DD?

The mum called DD, she came downstairs and said she doesn't want to leave, could she play longer? The mum said ok, you can play a bit longer. This carried on until 6:45 with her DD asking for more play.

At 6:45 pm they were standing by the door saying...yay, we are going!!...but they didn't even had their jackets or shoes on. I said, would you like your shoes?!! Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off, I said she can take it away as we don't need it for a while. Finally they were out just before 7 pm.

I was furious!!! It was past DD's dinner time and we skipped her bath as it was too late.

How would you deal with this? I assume when you give a person a deadline they'll stick to it?!

OP posts:
Zola1 · 20/02/2023 19:31

If she needed picking up with the child, why didn't you just say ill run you home now to save your husband coming for you. Go znd get their shoes and coats and say sorry to rush you but we need to get daughter in Bath etc

Cas112 · 20/02/2023 19:36

GretaGip · 20/02/2023 13:17

I'd be more pissed off with the dad venturing upstairs in my house.

That's a private zone.

This is the best thing that stuck out to me in the whole post.

DuckBored · 20/02/2023 20:11

The dad going upstairs is really weird and if have hated that. We’re you okay with that part as you don’t seem to have mentioned except wrt it being another time delay tactic?

Honestly sounds like the Mum could be lonely with what you’ve said about the continuing to chat when you trying leave park etc. She did ask what time she should leave so she was clearly conscious of that but then maybe she felt that you were okay with them “hanging around” later if you weren’t saying too much and she preferred your home to whatever waited back at hers (chores, wrangling dd to eat, normal life, etc). I think you just need to be very assertive with the time to go chat next time. She clearly say a “in” to stay longer and didn’t stick by the original agreement.

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frostyfeb · 20/02/2023 20:31

My DDs friend always plays up when it's time to leave our house, and the mum just sits here saying 5 more mins. 1.5 hrs later they are still here. It's so awkward.

What makes it worse is when my DD goes to their house is I don't even get invited in and my DD is well behaved and just gets ready to leave straight away.

My way of dealing with this now is to offer to drop her home so we don't have to cope with the whinging

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 21:26

I think 3.5 hrs playdate is plenty and I don't have to offer tea if I don't want to. If they were leaving at 5:30 pm, then I assume they shouldn't expect tea. I offered loads of snacks, yogurt, freshly squeezed juice, fruits, most of which their DD didn't want.

We went to their flat in Jan once and they suggested we came around 11am and and have lunch there and stay all day. My DD had a class at 4 pm that day, the class is about 10 mins drive from them and it was an absolutely miserable day so I agreed. The DDs barely ate any lunch, all we did was running after them with bits of pasta and sausage. Then at 3:30 I told them we were leaving. They suggested we wait for their DD to get dressed and come with us to the car. Their DD didn't want to put any clothes on, it took over 10 mins of negotiation, then when we were out my DD wanted to play with her as this was the initial idea that they play outside for a bit, but because it took so long to get her out we were running late. It was a nightmare and we were 10 mins late at DD's class, a class which she loves.

I do realise I need to either not meet them very often or have all these strategies in place to run or get them out of places. To be fair we only meet them once a month, so by the time we meet them again I'd have forgotten the drama :).

OP posts:
Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 21:29

frostyfeb · 20/02/2023 20:31

My DDs friend always plays up when it's time to leave our house, and the mum just sits here saying 5 more mins. 1.5 hrs later they are still here. It's so awkward.

What makes it worse is when my DD goes to their house is I don't even get invited in and my DD is well behaved and just gets ready to leave straight away.

My way of dealing with this now is to offer to drop her home so we don't have to cope with the whinging

I should have offered to drop them off home of course. Their DD would not stay here without a parent, under any circumstances.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 20/02/2023 21:38

Bunbuns3 · 20/02/2023 19:12

When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's it went without saying that any invites to houses would include tea. I don't seem to recall any of these problems then, everyone knew the score and acted accordingly. You fed your childs friend then they would be ready to go home.

Show quote history

Funnily enough, when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s it DIDN'T go without saying that an invite to play would include your tea. Some families didn't have the money to feed their children's friends. So unless it was specifically said, "..and of course they can stay for dinner," my parents did not assume.

Bemyclementine · 20/02/2023 21:46

They sound like a real pain OP, you will just have to be firm. All this bollocks about their daughter walking to the car etc " sorry we don't have time, see you later' and walk off.

In your house, you decide what happens, don't let them overrule you. If they come again, say at the start ' play date 2 til 4.30' then, get them out! "Sorry I have to kick you out, we have xy,z to do.."

Clymene · 20/02/2023 21:53

Your mistake was letting the husband in. I would have opened the door and left him on the porch. And if he crossed the threshold, started gathering their things.

Don't invite them again

TinyCactusInAPot · 20/02/2023 21:56

Some people are like this

you can’t change it

best to meet up somewhere neutral where you can leave when you want to

😄

MsMcGonagall · 20/02/2023 21:59

I used to sometimes just start cooking the dinner. It feels rude, but no ruder than them still being there. Then at least by the time the endless leaving shenanigans had happened, dinner would likely be ready!

In the case where you were heading to your daughters activity I would have been blunter, "no sorry we don't have time to play outdoors, come along DD"

Giving the kids the time countdowns yourself is also a good idea. You can't rely on the mum or dad to do it. So talk to the kids yourself and say 10 minutes left, make sure you finish what you're up to; then 5 minute warning; then time to go, assemble their stuff in hallway etc.

There's been a couple of kids over the years that really tantrummed about leaving. I think there was a line from a PP about, if you behave now, the quicker you'll get invited back...

( I definitely told my own kids that, after their own leaving tantrums- that I would never take them there again if they wouldn't behave themselves at leaving time - subsequently their own leaving behaviour used to be great.)

TinyCactusInAPot · 20/02/2023 22:00

Also they sound like their parenting is very weak, and their daughter will control them with her whims more and more

it will get worse, not better

but if they are lovely people maybe just accept it, I have friends like this and the daughter is now a bit of a teenage tyrant, but the parents are really sweet (they just never want to say no or stop the fun). Usually people like this can teach you to relax a bit more about things

pinkstripeycat · 20/02/2023 22:01

I forget to leave. I get mad at myself for it but still do it so avoid visiting people

pinkstripeycat · 20/02/2023 22:03

Actually I’m not as bad as what happened to you op. Mine is usually a cup of tea and stay for 2 hr instead of 1. If someone hadn’t had their tea/ dinner I’d defo leave

HappyBirthdayLydia · 20/02/2023 22:13

Definitely know people like this- sometimes I just go with the flow, other times just be really assertive and say how we'd love to keep things going but we need DC to have quiet time or have an out such as an appointment to go to (nipping to Tesco!)

wowow123 · 20/02/2023 22:21

I used to have a friend who did this. She and her partner didn't have any children and came to see my newborn and absolutely overstayed. I gave my baby a bath, fed her, put her to bed... they still stayed!!
We didn't know how to say time to go home but never invited them to our house again.

MiddleParking · 20/02/2023 22:25

I have a mum friend like this, it’s like she thinks I’ll judge her three year old for kicking off if she tells her firmly that it’s time to leave (despite my also having a three year old). I get the sense she’s permanently avoiding going home to spend time with her husband too. It’s a shame, but it also makes me want to throw her out of the window to expedite her departure. And means I get less inclined to invite them round again each time.

EmmiJay · 20/02/2023 22:44

Set playdates for 9am 😅 its the only solution tbf. They should be gone by 3pm!

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 22:45

Thank you all for your advice. I was furious last night but slowly getting over it 😀.

I'm relieved to hear we are not the only ones who have friends like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 22:46

EmmiJay · 20/02/2023 22:44

Set playdates for 9am 😅 its the only solution tbf. They should be gone by 3pm!

Honestly, I don't think they will!

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 20/02/2023 22:50

Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off

Well, you won't see that again.

You really do need to be firmer when dealing with these sorts of people.

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 22:59

milkyaqua · 20/02/2023 22:50

Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off

Well, you won't see that again.

You really do need to be firmer when dealing with these sorts of people.

It's not a dress that DD is desperate to have back! I thought negotiating with her having to take it off would have delayed us even further, I was glad they left.

OP posts:
GoldilockMom · 20/02/2023 23:01

I used to say to these types of children that if they wanted another invitation they needed to get ready to go home when it was time. No complaints.

They were usually really good at getting ready to go!

I would avoid them coming round for a while and meet in the park - would your DD stay with the other mum? Maybe that might be a way forward if they are desperate to play.

BigMacAttack · 20/02/2023 23:10

Meet somewhere neutral so you can leave when you are ready.

cleanasawhistle · 21/02/2023 10:35

It can be hard OP to be blunt and get rid of visitors.
I remember one mum picking her well behaved son up.She turned up with the childs brother who ran in and caused mayhem.
When they were leaving she said my two boys are not used to being separated so you will have to invite both next time...there never was a next time.

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