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Original poster

How do you handle people who forget to leave?

106 replies

Createth · 20/02/2023 10:04

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. Not sure it's relevant but her friend has mild ASD. We like her and DD being very chatty and loud, friend being quiet, they get on really well.

I invited them to our house yesterday for the first time. I was nervous about them overstaying as when we meet them at playgrounds the other mum is never in a hurry, could be stormy, could be dark, we have to keep pushing to leave.

Yesterday they came around 2 pm. The girls were having fun and around 4:30 pm the mum asked me what would be a good time to leave. I said 5:30, that would have given the girls 3.5 hrs play which is plenty. At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable.

Her DH had a few questions to ask my DH then around 6 pm her DK asked me what time is dinner for our DD. I said usually around this time but I still have to cook. He said OK. Their DD shouted down the stairs she didn't want to leave so could he come up and play camping. He went upstairs and didn't come down until 6:20 pm. At which point I said I need to start cooking for DD, can they get their DD?

The mum called DD, she came downstairs and said she doesn't want to leave, could she play longer? The mum said ok, you can play a bit longer. This carried on until 6:45 with her DD asking for more play.

At 6:45 pm they were standing by the door saying...yay, we are going!!...but they didn't even had their jackets or shoes on. I said, would you like your shoes?!! Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off, I said she can take it away as we don't need it for a while. Finally they were out just before 7 pm.

I was furious!!! It was past DD's dinner time and we skipped her bath as it was too late.

How would you deal with this? I assume when you give a person a deadline they'll stick to it?!

OP posts:
daffodilday · 20/02/2023 12:47

You have to lie. Some people will just not respect your boundaries . I always lie and say I have an appointment to get to or similar.

2bazookas · 20/02/2023 12:48

Grow a spine. She asked you when they should leave. You called the shots.

Just before the time we agreed, I would have gone upstairs to the children and wound up play; by 5.30 both the guests would be downstairs in their coats/shoes on, all ready to leave and I'd be talking about dinner, so the Mum knew I was waiting to start cooking. When her DH arrived late to collect them, he wouldn't have got past the door or me. (My DH detested being buttonholed by neighbours as he came home from a long day at work).

"Use your words" doesn't just apply to small children.

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/02/2023 12:52

Slap your thighs, sigh loudly and state very firmly "right! Its time for me to crack on, its been lovely seeing you, let's do it again sometime! DD, tidy up, its bath time! See you again friend!" Then get up and go to the kitchen and start prepping dinner.

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MuggleMe · 20/02/2023 12:59

I always do tea for the children at 5pm for an after school playdate and ensure pick up no later than 6. Perhaps they were expecting you to feed their child.

MuggleMe · 20/02/2023 13:01

If the child is reluctant to leave (I've had one that hid in the hedge) I always emphasise the better they leave the sooner they can come back.

Thesharkradar · 20/02/2023 13:02

At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable
Next time either drop her home yourself or have her ready at the door.... do not under any circumstances let him over the threshold

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 13:05

MuggleMe · 20/02/2023 12:59

I always do tea for the children at 5pm for an after school playdate and ensure pick up no later than 6. Perhaps they were expecting you to feed their child.

No, we agreed no meals together as they never eat. But perhaps they did against our agreement?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 13:12

They won't be invited to our house for quite a while, that's for sure. I was expecting an overstay but when she asked me what time we wanted them out, I thought it sounded promising. Didn't think for a second they'll end up staying until 7.

I remember another time at a playground about 2 months ago. It was getting dark, rainy and cold and I managed to drag them all out of the playground. I said bye, we are going to the car now. She asked her DD if she'd like to walk with us to our car so they tagged along very slowly, girls still playing, we got there, I put DD in the car and they were still there talking, asking questions, didn't seem to want to leave...so that delayed us by 10-15 mins.

OP posts:
GretaGip · 20/02/2023 13:17

I'd be more pissed off with the dad venturing upstairs in my house.

That's a private zone.

ivelostmytrousers · 20/02/2023 13:22

was

nokidshere · 20/02/2023 13:41

You have to lie. Some people will just not respect your boundaries

No you don't. You just have to say it's time to go now. And mean it.

Switchwitch · 20/02/2023 13:45

I always say we have something to get to when we have people over. " Sorry we have to get shoes on now and get out of the house or we will be late for the GP/granny's special birthday/music lesson" that we we all bundle out of the house together and then we double back to the house.

HVPRN · 20/02/2023 13:57

FrenchandSaunders · 20/02/2023 12:21

We had a similar situation years ago … parents in the hall ineffectively calling their DS to come down …. 20 min passed then DH walked up
the stairs, picked the boy up, put him down in the hall and opened the front door.

Pahaha that's brilliant! Goooood-bye then, thank you, goodnight! ;) nice DH 💪🏻

I would defo speak up or say 'do you want tea with us or are you going?"

OP; sounds like the whole family don't have social etiquette/learnt boundaries.. or maybe they're all lonely/tired out.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/02/2023 13:58

Thesharkradar · 20/02/2023 13:02

At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable
Next time either drop her home yourself or have her ready at the door.... do not under any circumstances let him over the threshold

This is where it all went wrong! Who does that?! He should have hovered on the doorstep while the mum and kid quickly said their thanks and goodbyes.

ItsCalledAConversation · 20/02/2023 14:01

At 4.30pm: “Sorry, don’t mean to rush you out but I’ve got teas to get on. Shall we give the kids a 5 minute warning? Let’s help gather up your things.”

gamerchick · 20/02/2023 14:05

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2023 12:14

I’d have asked them to stay for dinner

You definitely don't do this.

No more next time if you cant get them out OP.

Thesoundofmusic23 · 20/02/2023 14:11

When they arrive mention the kids that they can play for 3 hours or whatever and the home time will be x o’clock. Then and hour before mention to the kids that they have an hour left. Then a ten minute warning. Hopefully staging it like this will prep both child and parent for the home time. Good luck. Otherwise suggest you come to theirs - easier to extricate your child from their house.

LondonLovie · 20/02/2023 14:11

This happens to me so often! I'm crap at setting boundaries. I'm trying to do it up front a bit more, so state when making the arrangements would your DD like to come over for a play date between 11-1pm. But I need to practise what I preach a bit tbh Confused

Mamette · 20/02/2023 14:13

No, we agreed no meals together as they never eat. But perhaps they did against our agreement?!

They never eat? Anyway- aside from that, you agreed 5.30 to leave and they didn’t exactly abide by that.

They sound painful, it would be the end of one to-one play dates if that were me.

Arthurflecksfacepaint · 20/02/2023 14:13

GretaGip · 20/02/2023 13:17

I'd be more pissed off with the dad venturing upstairs in my house.

That's a private zone.

That was weird.

The amount of times I’ve gone to pick up one of my children and it’s been “come up and look a this mum!” and I’ve told them that no, this is Xs house and they need to come down now and come home.

I’ve only ever gone to look a handful of times when the other parent has asked me to pop up and have a look at something they have been wanting to show me before they leave.

I’ve also had to ask permission to go up and carry a child down before who is refusing to leave, but to be honest, the host parent has always looked very grateful that I am willing to wrestle them out immediately rather than hang about for half an hour negotiating.

I would never just go upstairs and start playing!

IglesiasPiggl · 20/02/2023 14:13

It was all fine until the husband turned up and took his coat off instead of waiting by the door like most people would surely do. That's the odd part. When he approaches the door, have coats and shoes ready, do not let the kids back upstairs.

Rainbowshine · 20/02/2023 14:17

Didn't even apologise, got a text today to say what a great time their DD had and when can we meet again.

This is your opportunity to set boundaries for the future. I would reply along the lines of:

I’m glad she had a great time. I am not sure about meeting up at our house again, as it disrupted our normal routine a lot when you stayed beyond 5:30. Maybe we could take them to the park or something next time so we can manage our schedule better for each of us and we can go when we need to get on with tea and bedtime.

Original poster
Createth · 20/02/2023 14:24

Mamette · 20/02/2023 14:13

No, we agreed no meals together as they never eat. But perhaps they did against our agreement?!

They never eat? Anyway- aside from that, you agreed 5.30 to leave and they didn’t exactly abide by that.

They sound painful, it would be the end of one to-one play dates if that were me.

I meant they never eat together. Just run around, getting excited. So we don't do playdates with lunch or dinner.

OP posts:
MucozadeOnLucozade · 20/02/2023 14:37

It may be that the parents have ASD themselves and are a bit unsure with social situations.

I've been there myself, it's so hard because you don't want to be rude, but it's annoying too.

Someone up the street with child same age kept knocking on our door uninvited and I was too polite to ever ignore the door, not invite in. They would totally ruin all my plans rest of day. In the end I flipped out and they never came again.

Grumpafrump · 20/02/2023 14:48

When someone overstays like this, I make a mental note to only invite them over again if I have something else lined up for afterwards that I will need to leave for. “So sorry to rush you out the door, but I DD has a class in 15 minutes so we need to leave…”