How do you handle people who forget to leave?

[Createth]

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. Not sure it's relevant but her friend has mild ASD. We like her and DD being very chatty and loud, friend being quiet, they get on really well.

I invited them to our house yesterday for the first time. I was nervous about them overstaying as when we meet them at playgrounds the other mum is never in a hurry, could be stormy, could be dark, we have to keep pushing to leave.

Yesterday they came around 2 pm. The girls were having fun and around 4:30 pm the mum asked me what would be a good time to leave. I said 5:30, that would have given the girls 3.5 hrs play which is plenty. At 5 pm she texted her DH to come and collected them. He rolled in around 5:40pm, came in the house, took his jacket off and made himself comfortable.

Her DH had a few questions to ask my DH then around 6 pm her DK asked me what time is dinner for our DD. I said usually around this time but I still have to cook. He said OK. Their DD shouted down the stairs she didn't want to leave so could he come up and play camping. He went upstairs and didn't come down until 6:20 pm. At which point I said I need to start cooking for DD, can they get their DD?

The mum called DD, she came downstairs and said she doesn't want to leave, could she play longer? The mum said ok, you can play a bit longer. This carried on until 6:45 with her DD asking for more play.

At 6:45 pm they were standing by the door saying...yay, we are going!!...but they didn't even had their jackets or shoes on. I said, would you like your shoes?!! Their DD was wearing my DD party dress and didn't want to take it off, I said she can take it away as we don't need it for a while. Finally they were out just before 7 pm.

I was furious!!! It was past DD's dinner time and we skipped her bath as it was too late.

How would you deal with this? I assume when you give a person a deadline they'll stick to it?!

This.

After having several episodes like this with parent's making themselves too comfortable in my house, I started to offer to drop their kids home then I can literally pull up outside and pass them to said parent. I make it clear ive no interest in hanging around chatting, especially after I've just geld a play date and need some peace.

If the parents are neurodivergent, then they won't pick up on hints about dinner. You need to be direct. Thinking logically if you weren't directly saying it was time to go and didn't intervene at any point it could be interpreted that you were fine with them staying.

And you really shouldn’t be letting the father unsupervised in bedrooms with your daughter. He should know better than to do that. The fact he didn’t is a reason not to let him do that.

This old chestnut!

As a neurodivergent person who knows other neurodivergent people, this is bollocks.

Maybe true of some, but not every single person.

I don't know them well enough so not sure how neurodivergent they are. We did question it after this episode.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon sorry I should have said they might not pick up on. I'm neurodivergent myself, I was talking from personal experience.

From now on always have something on later with any visits.

My ILs some with ASD aren’t great at this stuff, neither was DH also with ASD, back in the day but I insist he now gives a start and finish time for anything we are doing with them. I am not shy about flagging the leaving time when it comes up but I normally say “you guys will have to head we have to walk the dog” or some other activity. The might not like it but it make things better all around. No frustration and or misunderstanding.

It's perfectly ok to be direct. I have a friend who I'm often quite happy to let them all hang around but sometimes it's just not doable. I know she likes it because she has very few places where both her DC can play happily. But if I need her to leave and she's not picking up on the hint I'll just say, "Okay, I think I'm going to have to have a hard stop now and get everyone moving so that I can get DD's food sorted and bed and bath in a calm environment. Shall we say max five minutes?" and then I actively keep her moving.

As for the park - surely if you want to leave you just say, "okay, we'll we'll re off now. See you tomorrow"?

My DD had a friend with parents like this in primary school! They thought their DD's social life was also theirs. The first time she came to play (they were nine), the mother invited herself back as well but I said no, as I was working from home and didn't have time to entertain her all afternoon. The second time, BOTH parents turned up to collect her with a bottle of wine. They thought we could make an evening out of it! The third time, both parents turned up again, smelt dinner cooking and said it smelled so good, could they stay for dinner? They did this to EVERYONE, even hanging around all night after children's parties. They just did not take a hint! They drove a few, more timid parents to tears and her daughter lost friends as a result. The only way to deal with them was never to let them set foot through the door. Honestly, OP, I would play dates off until your DD's friend is old enough to play at yours without her mother supervising and don't let either of her parents over the threshold at pick up time unless you are happy to spend the evening chatting.

I knew someone like this. Always wanted play date at ours, child always wanted to take something of DD's home, always hung around for much too long expecting to be fed and watered. I phased them out.

This is why I hate playdates at mine.

People always overstay their welcome

Better off meeting in neutral territory

true, but to be fair to OP our default assumption is usually that others will behave politely, like we do, and when they dont we are often blindsided and unable to deal with it !

And I'm sorry but the whole ASD excuse is exactly that - an excuse. You don't overstay your welcome

No one said ASD is an excuse but by the very nature of the condition having difficulty understanding social cues is part of it. So there is that. I have taught my DH about his overstaying his welcome, he gets it now. Some of his other family members still don’t so we are clear with boundaries so they can at least know where they stand with us.

"but by the very nature of the condition having difficulty understanding social cues is part of it."

The OP didnt have to give any social cues - SHE GAVE THEM THE TIME TO LEAVE!!!And they still rudely overstayed their welcome.

Nothing to do with ASD. All to do with blatant rudeness

They were hoping you would ask them to stay for supper.
Set strict times next time, because you have to go to or be at somewhere else.
Do you ever go to their place for a play date?

Whenever I read these types of threads I wonder whether, neurodivergence aside, the non-hint-takers might not be British.

I’ve lived here 25 years and I suspect I’ll go to my grave without knowing for certain whether the Brits I consider my friends might just have been suffering stoically through my interminable, unwelcome visits. I’ve ended up gravitating towards people of my own nationality because I can count on them to say explicitly when the party’s over, rather than making oblique comments about their love of routine and resenting me furiously if I don’t catch the nuance 🤣

There are so many good examples on this thread of how to be direct without being rude. I think this should be taught in schools!

My worst nightmare. We had 3 sleepovers this week. I don't know why I do it. I'm autistic too. If I'm picking my dds up I won't go in.

God I remember this when my kids were younger. Dithery bloody parents who couldn’t / wouldn’t get their kids out the door. I developed quite a brusque way of getting the child out and down myself. Didn’t care if it seemed rude. Some parents were so wet. If I was their kid I’d not bother listening either …

Would it have really killed you to let the poor little girl stay for tea? How mean!

Brilliant answer 🤣🤣

And if they then wanted a sleep over after you could sort them all out for breakfast too. 🤣🤣

This is what I do but you come across parents who insist on picking their child up to get into your house.

When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's it went without saying that any invites to houses would include tea. I don't seem to recall any of these problems then, everyone knew the score and acted accordingly. You fed your childs friend then they would be ready to go home.

Just have the child over and offer to drop them back.
Also give them tea.