If you had a baby in your 40's (or your parents were 40's when they had you), how did it turn out?

[EggFriedRice78]

Tried for many years to conceive without luck, I honestly thought pregnancy wasn't possible for me but had my daughter 3 months ago. I am now 46. I realise its too late to worry about it now that she's here but I've been thinking that I'll be in my 60's when she's a teenager/taking GCSE's, wondering will she get bullied because I'm an older mum, will I be able to keep up with her interests etc as she gets older. So, if you had a baby in your 40's (and particularly if you're a few years further down the line than me) how has it panned out? Is there anything that you'd do differently? (That you have control over, I would have had my daughter 10 years ago if it had been up to me). Or if your parents were older when they had you, how has your experience been? I can't change what's happened, but wondering what others experience has been. Thanks

Had my kids in my early 40s, they are adults now. I work hard to stay fit and healthy as I feel a bit guilty about being an older Mum, not likely to able to be as helpful with grandchildren as my own DM was etc.

I am pretty fortunate with my health, luckily.

Being older meant we were in a better place finacially, which was nice. Able to afford life without having to work FT etc.

I also suspect being older and wiser has probably made me a less awful parent. I think I was more flexible in my thinking in my 40s than in my 30s- - though maybe that was just the effect of parenthood! And also, if I had had kids earlier the father would not have been the same lovely guy who I did actually have kids with. It would have been someone with one or another serious downsides! Whi I quite probably wouldn't have stayed with. So I'm glad I waited.

A large proportion of the negative stories are about dads who didn't want to get involved with child rearing. That can happen at any age, sadly.

That’s true, but I feel my dad’s lack of engagement was due to his age. He was born in the 1930s, and although a kind and gentle man, was definitely of the belief that child rearing was woman’s work. Whereas the fathers of my childhood friends were mostly 10-20 years younger than him and more hands-on, took an interest in pop culture etc. It wouldn’t be a problem these days, because most men in their 40s and 50s understand they should be involved in their children’s early years.

@Rufus27 you might find this contains some useful pointers:

www.spectrumnews.org/news/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

Both dead by the time I was 18.

Thanks. Couldn’t find it in DSM 5 etc as a risk factor. Am genuinely interested as my experience is the opposite - both mine are autistic, I’m an older mum and within SEN spheres, I’m more aware of being an older parent than at school or in general life . Ironically although my children were born when I was 45 and 46, their birth parents were under 21.

Had mine at 44- twins.
It was exhausting! But, we were well settled financially as we were older. I was more patient, I didn't have to ever return to work full time.
I guess I was a lot older than other mums. Thought i looked pretty good for my age but did get v upset and tearful when people asked if I was grandma.
That passed.
After they were weaned, that's when the loveliness kicked up a notch. Taking them out, feeling confident and happy. Especially having twins!
As an older woman, i didn't feel anxious as they grew- I was and am quite a relaxed mum and have confident kids.
And now, they are in their early teens. I don't feel any different from other mums and made loads of friends at the school gates.
Being older hadn't impacted negatively on their lives. Their friends love coming over to our house! I embarrass them as much as any parent does.
That's my job.

I had my DD at 42. She's 13 now and we have a great relationship. She couldn't care less how old I am.

I'm friends with her friends mums. All at least 10 years younger than me. All shocked when they find out how old I am.

I never had grandparents. She has 2. But both live miles away and show no interest so neither of us has had a relationship with grandparents. Don't miss what you never had!

We hit puberty/menopause at the same time but rather than being a negative, I've found that it's a positive - we both know how the other is feeling as we're both hormonally challenged!

MN doesn't like older mums but in the real world no one bats an eyelid. Enjoy your baby OP. You've waited a long time to be a mum

My mum was 43 and dad 44 when they had me. I had my youngest at 43 as well. All great, they never seemed older than other parents to me and I know lots of other parents in their 40s now. I feel a lot younger than friends who are nearly grandmas.

My gran was born when her parents were 42 and 50, the youngest of seven. I had DC3 when I was 42. It was extremely common for women to have a baby in their 40’s before reliable contraception. It’s become common again because women are delaying families and fertility issues are on the rise.

Interestingly, I had DC2 at 37 and thought I was definitely in the older mother category. He’s 9 now and has a great bunch of 5 close friends and the mums have all become very close. It’s only now that they are all turning (or have already turned) 50 that I’ve realised I’m the youngest in that group!

This thread is great - I had DD at 40 and I'm expecting our second baby in the summer when I'll be almost 44. It's such a relief to read positive stories!

regardless of the previous generations experiences, it’s a lot LOT more common to have first babies in your forties now. A friend of mine had hers at 47.

so a whole generation will be going through the same x

My parents were both in their early 40s when they had me - mid 40s when my younger brother came along.

I was never bullied because of having older parents, and I think having to be active kept them young.

My dad retired at 55 and in retrospect it was great that he was physically around during GCSE time and was always able to give us lifts and provide snacks etc (even if I found it frustrating sometimes that he was always at home and teenage me wanted some alone time).

Now I'm in my 30s I do think I worry about them more than my peers in terms of their health, and I am experiencing some pressure from them to have children at a younger age than they did because they want to meet their grandchildren. So my only take away would be to try not to do that!

I had both my children in my 40s. My cousin had hers at 45. A friend had one at 46. Several others had their last in their early 40s.
None of the kids were teased. All the parents are fit and healthy.
You could have your kid at 21 and they will still look at you with withering disdain as you will be considered hopelessly out of touch.

Not me personally but we have a few mums over 40 in our wider family (as in, having babies over 40!). It depends on a few things. The ones who already had kids and finished up with a final baby did better than the ones who had an only in their 40s, as have the ones who are with their baby’s dad as opposed to being a single mother by choice or using donor sperm.

It isn’t a big deal in the early years as the excitement of a new baby sort of carries you through, but the worries/fatigue seem to set in at primary school age.

Parents had me in 40s. Both dead by my early 30s (non smokers, barely drank, zero exercise, good diet).
It’s hard, I won’t lie.

Instead of accusing the children of older parents of ageism, maybe pay attention to what we're actually saying about our own experiences.

We can’t, because we aren’t your parents.

The truth is that having a baby is always a gamble. Will you live to see your child live to adult life? Will they be healthy, and stay that way? Will you be healthy and stay that way? Because any one of us could have a lump that won’t go away, misjudge a turning on the road, lie down one night and not wake up.

I know when my parents had me I was born into a loving home with two healthy parents, two living and healthy grandparents on my mums side and one healthy living grandma on my dads. By the time I turned eighteen none of the grandparents were left, only one of my parents and the parent left was not really fit to support me as I went from adolescence to adulthood.

The thing is that having my own child has changed how I see all that. If I’d had a different start to adult life I might have had children earlier which is unthinkable to me now because they wouldn’t be the child I have, the one asleep upstairs!

I can’t know what the future holds. And so I can’t and won’t assume anything. My job as a parent isn’t to try to remove anything bad from my children’s lives, it’s to try to ensure that they can go onto be happy despite that. As I am now. And that’s the thing - it was awful losing parents young but a) I am OK now and b) I would rather have had them and lost them than not actually existed!

My dm had me at 43 and my dsis at 45. We've turned out ok. I had my ds at 45, he's 14 now, head down in GCSE Physics.

He's sweet, bright and the light of my life. 🙂

My parents had me in their mid 30’s which was considered late in the early 80’s. I remember being embarrassed that my mum was clearly the eldest in the playground. I remember being angry when I lost her at 27. But more so than anything, I remember how unbelievably lucky I was to have her. It’s not the age itself that’s a problem Op… it’s the fact that you are more likely to suffer from health problems as you get older. The amount of times my mum was unwell, napping, feeling rough. Countless. She was very unlucky and she also didn’t look after herself very well. Now that you have your beautiful baby, just enjoy her. But do so while also looking after yourself. My mum prioritised afternoon cake, even though she had ill managed diabetes. There was no talking to her- life was short and she wanted to enjoy the time she had. But she chose to shorten her time with me, and I sometimes feel very angry about that. Sorry, I’ve derailed.
I stand by the fact that I don’t think it’s the age itself that’s a problem (beyond conceiving etc). Just look after yourself and your health so she gets as
much time with you as she possibly can.
I also second posters who say they haven’t really got to experience having grandparents .. that’s a loss for me as well. My dad’s parents died long before I can even remember and my mum’s parents died when I was a teen and all I remember is … pushing their wheelchairs and feeding them blended food. I’m sorry, that’s such a negative spin.
Enjoy your precious child, while looking after yourself. :)

I am 55 with 14 year old DS. Nothing but good from my POV. I did just ask him if it bothered him that I am an older mum and he said only that I will likely not be here when he is in his 40s - he feels that is too long to lose his Mum

Young not long

I had my dd at 37, ds at 40. There have been tough days I won’t lie. I wish I had more energy and my dcs, now 12 and 9, have had to cope with losing elderly grandparents and having little in the way of family. If I had known how happy my kids would make me I would have had them earlier (and more of them!) but then I was exceptionally immature in my 20s and 30s and perhaps I would not have risen to the challenge. I have less energy but more patience (sometimes!). I’ve never felt like the oldest mum in the playground but that may be a function of where we live.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, its been really interesting to hear what your experience has been like. From the sounds of it, overall the biggest factors are your attitude as a parent (more than age), and staying as healthy as you can. Having my lovely daughter has made me more aware of how important it is that I stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can, in a weird way I think I'm slightly more aware of my mortality now than I was before I had her. I was mostly thinking about how long I would live rather than health as such but I see now maybe being fit and healthy is just as important as how long I'm here for - I don't want to burden her with caring for me if I can in any way avoid it and if I'm healthy maybe my age won't stand out so much either. I only know one other lady who had a baby in her 40s (so far as I know anyway) - friends I made in school/college/uni either had theirs in their 20s and 30s (or have no children at all) but then again I'm rubbish at guessing ages of other mums I've met there may be more than I think! I'm both more patient and financially much more secure than I was 10 or 15 years ago, so whilst in some ways I wish it had happened then there are positives too.

Almost 40 with my one and only ( would have liked to have been younger)
Mom born to a 45 year mom and 47 year old dad. Aunt had 6th at 48.

Could you have a second OP, was she donor egg? Sorry if that sounds flippant but I find with the older mums I know, their child having a sibling alleviates some of the worries.