If you had a baby in your 40's (or your parents were 40's when they had you), how did it turn out?

[EggFriedRice78]

Tried for many years to conceive without luck, I honestly thought pregnancy wasn't possible for me but had my daughter 3 months ago. I am now 46. I realise its too late to worry about it now that she's here but I've been thinking that I'll be in my 60's when she's a teenager/taking GCSE's, wondering will she get bullied because I'm an older mum, will I be able to keep up with her interests etc as she gets older. So, if you had a baby in your 40's (and particularly if you're a few years further down the line than me) how has it panned out? Is there anything that you'd do differently? (That you have control over, I would have had my daughter 10 years ago if it had been up to me). Or if your parents were older when they had you, how has your experience been? I can't change what's happened, but wondering what others experience has been. Thanks

My parents had my sister at 46. They said it kept them young. They both exercise and eat well so have stayed pretty fit (in their mid 70’s now) which I’m sure helped.

Congratulations!

One of my best friends was similar age - 44 when she had her DD who is now 16 and friend has just turned 60. We met through our kids when they started school. I think kids keep you young - as parents you are all at a similar stage going through similar things. So you don't really notice age differences of the parents as much.

My dad was 44 when I was born.He's now 76. He was more like a grandpa than a dad and got mistaken for my grandad when I was in high school. He didn't really get stuck in and play with me or anything, more sat in his chair and bounced me on his knee and I'd fall asleep snuggled into his armpit 😂😂 he's a pain in the neck now lol. Stubborn as hell. He did work nights to be fair so was always knackered. I don't think that's common though, age is just a number really.
Congratulations on your gorgeous baby, I'm sure you'll be a great mum.

Had my youngest when I was 44. She is now 16 and we do everything together (not my choice!). Since she's been big enough we have tried lots of new activities together- ice skating, climbing, surfing, sailing, dancing. We have loads of fun.

She has never been bullied for having older parents- nobody cares. I make friends with the mums of her friends just like I did with my other children. It's a non issue.

Not quite the same, but my parents are foster carers, and are still fostering in their 70s.

they are so hands on, in great health, my foster sister is 16, and has a fantastic relationship with my mum, they are very close and my foster sister even calls her mum (and my dad, ‘dad’). I actually think my parents are more emotionally attuned, available and patient in their older years.

I don’t agree to all of this, ‘older parents can’t relate to a child’, or ‘who in their right mind would have teenagers in their 50s’ etc. I’m a social worker and believe me, you get younger parents that are not able to keep up with parenting (for various reasons) and older parents (often adoptive and foster cares) who do fine.

Congratulations, OP! How wonderful that you have your daughter!

I had my children at age 42 and 44 . Now in my mid-50’s with 14 and 11 year olds. I have generally not found it to be an issue. Maybe a bit of a struggle at the moment with menopause but I do have a supportive partner.

I wonder if it might make a difference as to where you live. In the centre of a big city there are plenty of older mothers and I feel like it is just part of the general diversity of the school community.

Occasionally I have been struck by how good some of the school mothers look in the mornings and then laugh at myself. That is because they are only 30 !!

You’re be fine, OP. Do your best with the parenting. You will probably have some life wisdom that younger parents might not have.

Awwh congratulations OP.

I've been enjoying reading these replies. Not as helpful, as I'm 41 without a two year old so don't have as much experience but I agree they keep you young.

I was dancing away to wheels on the bus the other day, doing all the moves & generally being silly as you do when you are entertaining a toddler. I thought how nice it was to have some fun in the house!

I also worried about being older but so many people seem to have children older, that I don't seem to be older than the other mums I see, so don't think that your little one will have any issues.

I'd like to have been younger, but am also so grateful just to have this little one, I'm making the most of it (He might not enjoy my dance moves forever!)

My mother was 40 and I hated having someone who looked like a grandma collecting me from school. It seemed the other mums were glamorous by comparison. Still loved my mum though.

My parents were older parents, mum 44 and dad 46 when I was born. My mum died when I was 12 and I was left with my useless dad. I wish they had had me even just 5 years earlier.

I never wanted children then accidentally found myself pregnant at 39 then a mum at 40. I work hard to stay young in attitude, fashion, music etc and I am also battling a health issue at the moment. It terrifies me that I could die and leave my dd without a mum, the same way I was. However, her dad is a million miles away from my own dad so I know she would be OK but it still isn’t ideal leaving a child to grow up without a parent.

I wish my take on this was more positive. Sorry.

I had a child at 25 and one at 41. I am now 49 and there are loads of mums at school like me. I am defo a better parent and I feel young so do t worry about it too much.

I think the key is to stay physically fit. I’m 54 and my children are 14 & 13. I do get tired but I walk a lot and eat healthily so feel pretty good. My children think anyone over 30 is old! Also, my MIL was born in the 1930s to a 43 year old mother and has always said that she kept fit and never seemed older. She saw all her grandchildren into adulthood and was fit and well into her early 90s. We can’t help our genes but I’d say keep healthy and positive. Congratulations on your daughter!

My father was mid 40´s when I was born. It was clear all my childhood that he didn't like children, e.g. we weren't allowed to talk at the meal table. He was often mistaken for my grandfather by school friends. He was never interested in what I was interested in, I wasn't allowed to listen to any contemporary music, even in my room. Never took an interest in keeping fit and healthy either. Never played games with us or took us to the park. I very much doubt any of that has anything to do with age.

Congratulations! Enjoy your DD, try to keep fit.

Sorry but I hated having an older Mother, she had children over 20 years and I always knew I would have her for a lot less time and it seemed unfair. She did fortunately live to a great age so I was extremely lucky.

My mums mum had her at 40 then died in her 50s.

It fucked up my mums life.

One set of grandparents had a surprise kid in their 40s/50s (50 being the dad!). It really did keep them young. They were both fit and spry well into their 90s. You do have to put the effort in to take care of yourself though.

My gran had my mum when she was mid-40s. My gran lived a long life and my mum was in to her 40s before my gran died.

By comparison, my mum had me when she was in her early 20s. She died a few months after she turned 60. I was in my mid-30s.

I had my youngest DD in my early 40s. There are no guarantees in life. You do the best and make the most of what you have and enjoy it.

My mum had me in her late 40s (this was in the early 1970s) and I was mocked for having an older mum by my classmates.
Then in my thirties and forties I took on the role of her carer (dementia and eventually bed bound) as well as working full time and having my own family. I loved her very much, but honestly feel that being a carer so young for many so many years has had a very negative impact on my physical and mental health. It has been several years since she has died and I still feel I am recovering from the exhaustion of it all. I purposely had my child in my mid twenties, so that things were different for her.
I know that this is not the story for all children of older parents-especially now when people seem much younger in their 60s and 70s, but for me it was terrible.

I had older parents and have mixed views. On the one hand - it's so variable. There are people who have children young OR old and who can't be arsed with them, or have poor coping skills, or have no energy, or get ill or die, etc. And there a people who have children young OR old who have the resources, time, energy, fitness etc to be lovely parents. So no single experience should really form your opinion either way, but perhaps see what the positives are and how to embrace them, and see what the negatives are and do what you can to mitigate them.

For my personal experience, I had a parent on the extreme spectrum of old; my mum had me (her youngest) at 39 but my dad was 18 years older, so already approaching 60 when I was born! My dad was a SAHD and I can tell you I honestly have the cosiest and most peaceful early childhood memories of being with my dad, baking bread, walks, it was lovely. Primary school was more difficult because I became starkly aware of the age difference and almost everyone including teachers thought my dad was my grandad.

And as you can imagine, I lost my dad at only 27 even though he was in his 80's. So while I can make peace with his loss because he was old, there is so much of my life he will not be here for. All of my children were very small, the oldest is only 7 now, so will have no real memory of him. He was also in poor health and very grumpy for a fair few years before he passed away.

My mum is lovely and we are so close now but we had a strained or distant relationship growing up, and I partly blame that on her going through peri and menopause during my early teen years. I had no idea at the time but can see that now. She's a lovely nan to my children but recently I'm acutely aware of her advancing age and again, my DC are still really small.

I myself took the opposite approach, I had my first DC at 21 and had all 3 of them by 26.

I love them both; at the end of the day they are just my parents. I don't think much about how things would be different and while I see the negatives I also see positives, and so much more things about them, both positive and negative, are to do with other factors and nothing to do with age.

Your DD will love you no matter what. But do yourself and her a favour and keep yourself fit and well as much as you can. Same goes for any parent really.

My parents were 40's when I was born. Both died in their 70's. I cared for both of them until they passed away. I'm 39 now, no parents/grandparents. My children have no grandparents on my side. I know it's just unfortunate but the older you become a parent the more the risk.

My parents were 42 when I was born.

I didn't mind their age that much when I was younger though occasionally people would as "is that your Grandad?". I did really want siblings though DM couldn't have any more.

They did have "older" views on stuff - wearing make up / we never had Sky TV or went on holiday abroad though that may have been their personalities!

I am finding it really hard now that I'm in my 40s and have a career and kids and they're in their 80s and in ill health and I'm having to do a lot - most of my friends have parents that are 60s/70s and are helping with the kids and having fun holidays etc.

So my views on this are that you should do your best to make sure you're as independent as possible in old age and have a plan set up well before you need it so your DD isn't shouldering it all by herself early in her life.

Also there are heaps of women in their 40s having kids round me so sure you don't stand out.

As you can see, @EggFriedRice78 , MN I does tend to be a bit anti older mums (and younger mums - there’s a very narrow window of acceptability when having a baby on here!)

For my part, it’s been fine, apart from my DS having to hide from the horrors of my wizened face from his friends at nursery. Luckily, he’s a robust little chap and deals with the trauma well by running to me in delight, which is rather nice. Of course, I may leave this earth sooner than I anticipate and I may not live to see DS get old, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world anyway! My own mum died when I was seventeen and it was very sad indeed. But I wouldn’t change anything now because of DS. He really has lit up my life and makes me so, so happy. I was 40 when I had him and I’ll be 42 when I have his brother or sister. I’m good with it.

I was 22 when I had my first, 24, 30 and near 40 when I had my last. I was too young, then too small an age gap between my first two, then too big an age gap and too old with my last. People will never just be happy or always have an opinion (usually unasked for and unwanted). I've loved it all so they can all suck it!!

Enjoy your baby x

I was the forth child, born to DM 36 and DF 42. So not that old for current terms. However my life was a bit shit when I think about it. Dad died when I was 23 and DM lived forever, and needed a lot of care when I myself had a young family. When they retired, they left me to go abroad, I was 16. I felt a bit resentful tbh.

Had mine at 42 - she’s 11 now! And just an absolute joy! We have much fun together! Also she has more grandparents than I had at her age!

My dad was 43 when I was born, and like some of the fathers mentioned upthread, he always seemed old compared to other dads. He didn’t take much interest in the things my brothers and I liked, and I don’t remember him playing with us or reading to us. All 4 of my grandparents were dead by the time I was 11, and my dad (who never looked after his health) died when I was in my 30s and my children were tiny.

It definitely affected when I chose to have my children - mid-30s was my upper limit - and it’s made DH and I determined to stay as fit and healthy for as long as possible to maximise our chance of being active and involved grandparents. That said, I have lots of friends who became parents in their 40s and are amazingly engaged with their children. I think people stay younger for longer these days!