If you had a baby in your 40's (or your parents were 40's when they had you), how did it turn out?

[EggFriedRice78]

Tried for many years to conceive without luck, I honestly thought pregnancy wasn't possible for me but had my daughter 3 months ago. I am now 46. I realise its too late to worry about it now that she's here but I've been thinking that I'll be in my 60's when she's a teenager/taking GCSE's, wondering will she get bullied because I'm an older mum, will I be able to keep up with her interests etc as she gets older. So, if you had a baby in your 40's (and particularly if you're a few years further down the line than me) how has it panned out? Is there anything that you'd do differently? (That you have control over, I would have had my daughter 10 years ago if it had been up to me). Or if your parents were older when they had you, how has your experience been? I can't change what's happened, but wondering what others experience has been. Thanks

My partners mum had him at 42, last one of three and both his parents are alive and well in their mid 80s. He has a great relationship with them. They need no little and care and are very self sufficient still

Mine were in their twenties and i lost my mum In my thirties and my dad isn’t in great health and need a lot of support already.

Theres no guarantees at any age I don’t think. We make the best of what we have in life young or older.

You could say this at any age though.

my dad had me at 30 and died in his 40’s. It fucked up my life.

it wasn’t the age, it was having a parent die.

I had my DS at age 42. He's profoundly autistic and becoming his mother has ruined my life and my DH's by any objective standard. I am glad that I had all those years of fun and enjoyed traveling etc in my 20's and 30's because that door is now firmly closed. OTOH I wish I had done my homework on the link between older parents and ASC before getting pregnant and/or there had been a prenatal test.

My DH is the youngest in a large family, his mum was 40 when she had him. She was a great mum and you could see her trying to keep up with modern ideas and trends. But she did seem much older than my mum. DH has no issues with it at all though. He does miss her and she died when he was in his thirties. Our children met her as a baby and toddler but do not remember her.
She also kept herself very fit and healthy, her death was a real shock.

I had youngest DS at 41 and he's now in his 20s. I don't seem to be much older than the parents of his friends, and I notice most of the parents at the school I work at seem to be on the older side - most of the dads are grey/balding and the Mums of 10 year olds look like they are pushing 50 if not already there.
I think it depends a lot on where you live - outside London I suspect people are more likely to have babies younger. But I doubt your DC will be bullied for having an older Mum wherever you are. Just enjoy your baby !

I was 40, child now 2. I wouldn't change it.

In my 20s I was stressy, viewed things in black and white, wanted to travel the world and live only according to my own wishes and had no money. I wasn't "in" with any teenage interests even as a teenager! don't think I'd have been a good parent.

Most of my friends had kids in their late 30s anyway so I'm not an outlier.

It's a lot more common these days than you perhpas realise - yoiu'll see when your DD starts school.

There are parents of all ages in DD's class - some younger, some my age, but I'd say most are older than me. You won't stand out :)

Had my last at 41, my oldest was 21,and people asked if it was my first.!Admitted,I always looked a lot younger than my age. DH second marriage was 34,had no children. Just as well we did it quickly, menopause the following year,also became a grandmother. My late father was rude,a few colleagues at work, she was a teenager by then. A lot of my friends weren't much younger when they had their babies I've never let myself go, tried to keep fit and healthy. My oldest, now 52, says I make her feel old. She smokes, I never have, drinks a lot. I do feel a bit uncomfortable now sometimes because her blokes mum is my DD age,and his GPs are my age. It is what it is. Congratulations to you.

My parents were 42 when I was born, it was never an issue and they never seemed that much older than friends' parents. I'm now 41 and having fertility treatment to try to conceive so my childhood experience didn't put me off in the slightest.

I had my children in my early 40s. I do wish I had had them much earlier in my life, not because I have ever felt old, more because I found it more rewarding than I expected.

No one has ever mistaken me for a grandparent although my dc went to a school where a lot of the parents were in their 30s and 40s.

My parents were Young parents and I do remember liking that however, and my friends used to comment how lovely my mum was (meaning her appearance.)

As for the tiredness that’s the same whatever age you are and even teen mums are as exhausted as the rest of us. I see parents of different ages in the park etc and they all act exactly the same from what I can see (trying to have a sit down rather than getting stuck in with the swing/slide.)

My DM was 45 and DF in his 50s. It worked well. They read to us, played with us, took us on outings often, rode bikes with us and anything else you might expect parents to do. I think having children in your 40s is very common nowadays too.
Interested and involved grandparents now. DF often has his grandchildren for a few hours after school and joins us for outings during half term.

I don't think there is a perfect age for it. Everything has pros and cons.

I had two friends at school with older parents. One had a much older brother and they didn’t expect to have another child but she happened anyway. They were in their sixties, older brother was in his thirties. We thought it was cool she became an Aunt at 13! Honestly didn’t really think twice about how old her parents were, just thought her Dad was a bit weird because he told us shitty Dad jokes a lot.

Other friend was an only child, again parents in their late 50s/early 60s when we were teens. They both retired when she was 20, my Mum still hasn’t retired and can’t for over a decade and I’m 29! They had a close relationship and again, none of us found it weird. They certainly never got bullied for having older parents.

My mum had 3 in her 40s (including me at 42). I had my last two in my 40s (40 and 42). I had a great childhood and never really noticed the age thing. I’m fully involved with my own DC and regret nothing. Yes, I may die earlier but unfortunately some of their friends have already lost much younger parents. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

I inadvertently assumed that a dad at football was the child's grandad. This may happen to you as the child grows, but people will mean no offence. He took it well though and laughed saying he had 2 older kids who were into their early 30s so wasn't surprised I made the mistake. I felt terrible though.

I have a colleague whose mum was 49 when she was born. They were extremely close.

My aunt and uncle also have children with a 22 year age gap. They said they feel more patient this time round.

Don't worry OP. People have been having kids into their 40s for donkeys years. It wouldn't be what id plan, but I had my first at 21 (now 37). But if I fell pregnant at 50 I would be having a baby.

The older you get, the greater the risk of ill health and death.

Yes, someone can die at 40 but it's far less likely than at 60 or 80, obviously.

I of course meant with not without a two year old! 

I must be getting old!

I was 42 when I had my only child …. My mum had me when she was 42 (I’m the youngest of 3).

I never recognise having older parents as my much older siblings were very good at making sure I was involved in whatever was fashionable at the time. My father died when I was 17.

I am the oldest of my mum friends and we do everything that they do. So I doubt anyone really notices. I think I’m probably more liberal in my discipline too !

It keeps you young. Most other parents have no idea unless you dress and act elderly. One mum charged up to me at school one day and said, "I was in the school office and saw your date of birth. I couldnt believe it! I hope I look as good as you when I'm that old!" I think she meant it as a compliment.

You stay young by knowing what the latest music and fashion trends are, what the latest slang is. You have less energy maybe, but more patience. One issue is going through menopause while they go through teen hormones. Not ,much fun but at least you can all sympathise with each other.

I'd rather be an older mum than not a mum.

@WinterFoxes that's a good point about menopause actually. My mum was older by the standards of the 80s and 90s (late 30s) when she had my sister and I. She was a NIGHTMARE when I was a teenager. I put it down to menopause but she swears I was the problem lol.

Had mine at 40 and 43. They are 7 and 10 now.

I think what I find hard is that this age is a great age to start a new phase of life. I have found loads of new interests that I can't pursue as I would like. Also, I am aware that lots of people this age are starting to wind down, kids are growing up and they have more time, and I feel left behind from that.

On the dating scene, forget it. Men assume women my age are kid free and are horrified to hear you have young kids. All interest dies at that reveal.

I fit a lot in my life, work, kids, hobbies. Its more effort to keep yourself physically and mentally fit at this age. Life is quite tiring.

And yes, at this age, contemporaries are really starting to die. I have a lot of friends and people in my circle die. Its made me very aware of my mortality and my biggest fear is having a terminal illness and my kids being raised by their dad, who simply could not give them the support and understanding they need, due to his own difficulties. And I am very aware that, even if I die at an average age, I will be in my kids' life for less time than many other kids get.

Having said that, I have a lot more life and experience to share with my kids. And I do love them and them me.

A large proportion of the negative stories are about dads who didn't want to get involved with child rearing. That can happen at any age, sadly.

An engaged parent who cares about and spends time with their children is what's most important. Older parents have alot to offer! Love can be offered at any age.

Kids of a certain age will always be embarrassed by their parents, whether it's them being fatter, older, thinner, younger than average etc etc. Sad but true. Gotta give them something, ours was the old banger we used to get picked up from school in, we used to slump down and hide 😅

You have less energy maybe, but more patience

One of the worst things about being an older mum is people saying this. I am not more patient. I am more tired. Being tired does not help with the patience

My dad's Alzheimer's started when I was at uni. I spent large parts of my 20s and early 30s caring for both parents.

Both of them had died by the time I was 36.

I'm not even 40 yet and my only immediate blood family is a much older sister. She's almost the same age as my MIL.

I never knew my grandparents, all were dead by the time I was a toddler.

It's pretty shit to be honest, and my peers just can't understand it at all. It's very isolating.

OP the best things you can do are keep yourself as healthy and active as possible, make plans for the worst case scenario, and engage with your child and their interests.

My mother was the one of the younger children her older siblings were old enough to be her parents. Her mother died when she was in 40s when her mother was late 70s.

My mum had me at 36, an only child. I never felt she was an older parent. She died at 80 extremely active when I was mid 40s.

I had my dc at 39. I thought I’d be the oldest but actually there are parents who are older than me in my friendship group who had their first child later than me.

I find friends who had their children young feel older than me because yes children age you and that’s why they don’t want children at 40 because they already feel old v those who haven’t had children. I hope that makes sense.

My mum had me at 21 but none of one grandparents really card so I wouldn't think having kids younger automatically means you get more support.