Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Can you really be gay at 7?

155 replies

disneydatknee · 15/02/2023 01:09

So its valentines day. My daughter is 7. I helped her make a card for her friend (on her request) and said friend bought her a rose and a load of sweets. Cute right? I picked my daughter up this afternoon and she said matter of factly, her valentine was her girlfriend and they are both lesbian. School friends have called them gay for exchanging gifts. She insists they are girlfriends and she's asked her out. I've just said OK, I'm glad you have each other. I've pushed it no further. Can you really know at 7 or is this just the age that boys are mean and yucky and girls are just nicer to you?! I'm not holding my breath as she is still little and I would have absolutely no problem with her being gay, it's just shocked me how matter of fact she is so young about it. Is this a sign of things to come or is it nothing? Just mentally preparing myself!

OP posts:
SBHon · 15/02/2023 09:24

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 15/02/2023 09:01

These days there really isn't a clear distinction between gay/hetero in kids that are new to the world of big romantic or sexual feelings.

My friends and I all have teens they might cop off with boys and girls at one party then have a long romance with one person of one sex then another.

I think it is wonderful being unconstrained in options and preferences as we were. I like to think I could have enjoyed girls and women instead of my pure hetero life.

It’s so nice to think teenagers don’t have to have a heteronormative narrative pushed on them as much anymore.

People used to blindly walk into straight relationships because they were the norm, with no chance to figure out who they were.

Charlize43 · 15/02/2023 09:24

Yes. I'm lesbian and I remember as a young child identifying as a male and writing a letter to another girl saying that when we were grown up that she'd be my 'wife'. I was still in primary school when I wrote this.

Somehow the school got involved with it and informed by parents. I'll never understand why my mother thought that putting me into an all girls Convent school was the solution.

Original poster
disneydatknee · 15/02/2023 09:27

Thank you everyone for your input. For those saying you are born gay, I probably should have phrased the question better. I meant can you really know you are gay at 7. Most of you got that. I was just interested to know your opinions and experiences. I'm in no rush to label her and have always been open with her that families come in all shapes and sizes. Men can marry men, women can marry women. I just don't want to make a big deal about it or probe her any further incase I say the wrong thing and make her feel like she can't come to me with this when she is older and knows for sure. Ah, parenting is such a minefield!

OP posts:
Beamur · 15/02/2023 09:35

My DD went to a primary school where I knew there would be several same sex families. So I talked to her about this in an age appropriate way.
The little girls thought it was a wonderful idea that they could marry each other when they grew up.
I think if you're gay, you're gay but the same as anyone else in that those feelings don't necessarily develop into sexual awakenings until a bit older.
I have older DSC too and they were pretty relaxed and accepting of a much broader expression of sexuality than I had experienced at school.
Mostly though I think this is a kind of role playing game and children learn about themselves by reflecting the world around them.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2023 09:40

I have a 7 year old girl who insists she's gay. She exchanged friendship bracelets and cards with two "valentines". It was very cute.
Ive also got a 10 year old boy who had a very obvious crush on an older girl at around 7.

So, there's indications of their future sexualities.

But I don't think you can be sure until actual sexual feelings kick in at puberty. The adults who "knew" they were gay from a young age are looking back with the benefit of hindsight.

Like pp, I also dislike adults encoraging cutesy "romances" between children. Much better to concentrate on being a good friend.

I tell my kids "Everyone's in your friend zone. That's the only zone you've got"

SnakeOiler · 15/02/2023 09:45

It’s the latest fashion. Equally kids are raised with it (finally) being normalised on tv and same sex parents etc. we are experiencing the same here, I don’t treat their ‘gay’ relationships any different to their ‘straight’ ones as quite frankly, they’re bloody children, they’re hardly shagging behind the bike sheds.

SnakeOiler · 15/02/2023 09:46

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2023 09:40

I have a 7 year old girl who insists she's gay. She exchanged friendship bracelets and cards with two "valentines". It was very cute.
Ive also got a 10 year old boy who had a very obvious crush on an older girl at around 7.

So, there's indications of their future sexualities.

But I don't think you can be sure until actual sexual feelings kick in at puberty. The adults who "knew" they were gay from a young age are looking back with the benefit of hindsight.

Like pp, I also dislike adults encoraging cutesy "romances" between children. Much better to concentrate on being a good friend.

I tell my kids "Everyone's in your friend zone. That's the only zone you've got"

I actually have a friend whose son is obviously gay. We have all always ‘known’ since he was about 5. It won’t be a shock when he ‘comes out’ in a few years. Weird but true.

SnakeOiler · 15/02/2023 09:47

Actually though having re read that you’re right. He doesn’t know he’s gay, but we as adults know.

WandaWonder · 15/02/2023 09:49

No idea, don't think my child even knew what straight was at 7 let alone any other label people want to stick on people these days

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 15/02/2023 09:50

disneydatknee · 15/02/2023 09:27

Thank you everyone for your input. For those saying you are born gay, I probably should have phrased the question better. I meant can you really know you are gay at 7. Most of you got that. I was just interested to know your opinions and experiences. I'm in no rush to label her and have always been open with her that families come in all shapes and sizes. Men can marry men, women can marry women. I just don't want to make a big deal about it or probe her any further incase I say the wrong thing and make her feel like she can't come to me with this when she is older and knows for sure. Ah, parenting is such a minefield!

What would you say if it was a boy? Probably "that's nice dear" and move on because she will either to another boy or girl or girl.Say the same things now. It doesn't have to be a minefield.

As an aside I had my (male) first crush at 4. DD has had "boyfriends" and also said she wants to marry a female classmate at various ages.Now she's 11 and has no interest in either.

ArcticSkewer · 15/02/2023 09:56

N1Co · 15/02/2023 09:09

It’s definitely not environmental/cultural as the enormous numbers of people who are and were persecuted for being gay and wished they could be ‘normal’ wouldn’t be so.

Think of people growing up in countries where being gay is a death sentence.

If I remember correctly the most recent research points to thousands of genes all contributing in a small way to your sexuality, suggesting you’re born gay.

Show quote history

There's no 'definitely' about it.

There are conflicting theories and evidence. It's a political stance to decide that people are 'born' with an either/or sexuality as it means persecuting people for their sexuality/conversion therapy is unacceptable, which fits the current narrative. If it was a choice, then that leaves a door open to say 'choose differently'.

A lot of younger people nowadays are really quite fluid with their sexuality. A lot also don't connect actions and identity eg 25% of men who have sex with men identified as heterosexual in a survey I read about a few days ago.

You'll also perhaps meet people who decide in their 40s or later that they are gay, having previously been straight. Some will say they were always gay and didn't realise, but others won't, and nor will they identify as bi. They were straight and now are gay.

Me, I didn't have any sexual attraction to boys, or girls, til my teenage years. I don't personally identify with people who say they had crushes age 5, for example, but I guess our experiences are just different. ( Incidentally oversexualised behaviour in children is also a flag for possible child sexual abuse)

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/02/2023 10:11

He doesn’t know he’s gay, but we as adults know

Yes, I think that's an important distinction. Kids can't really know what adult sexual feeling are like until they experience them.

MiniEggsz · 15/02/2023 10:12

7 year olds don't know either way.
They play copying games what they see around them. Or/ and they find boys annoying.
I don't think anyone can really know until the start of puberty at the earliest.
I think your response was perfect. Didn't make a big deal, she'll feel comfortable telling you if she is a lesbian when older.

Squamata · 15/02/2023 10:17

Can you be straight at 7?

People have no issue with talking to kids about marriage and relationships in a straight context. If you can't know you're gay at 7, how can you know you're straight either?

You're taking heterosexuality as a default as if 'this is the norm and homosexuality is an aberration some people develop later'.

Rethink it a bit! You've got some implicit prejudice going on.

TeenLifeMum · 15/02/2023 10:21

I think it was totally normal for a dc to give another child of the opposite sex a valentines card when I was growing up so makes sense for dc to be more open to same sex relationships. I’m not sure dc know who they’re sexually attracted to until later in life but that said, dd2 had a boy at primary who was quite effeminate and his mum once said to me she thought he’ll probably be gay and I could see it in him. Only time will tell but I’ll be surprised if he marries a woman. I think it’s there always but dc identifying it comes later.

Clymene · 15/02/2023 10:22

Both of my children said they were going to marry their best (same sex) best friends at that sort of age.

They're teenagers now and heterosexual as far as I know.

housemaus · 15/02/2023 10:24

saraclara · 15/02/2023 01:14

I doubt you can know you're gay at 7. Gay is about sexual attraction. I might be naive, but do seven year olds have sexual feelings for anyone?

It's also about romantic attraction, as being straight is. Some of the most insidious homophobia is that which paints being gay as solely a sexual choice - it's got strong 'sexualising our kids!!!!' panic about it.

I had a little boyfriend at school at 8 years old. I knew I 'liked' him, we held hands in the playground. Would you say that I couldn't have had those feelings because they were too sexual, or would you accept kids can understand the concept of romantic attraction (to an extent based off what they see around them)?

Kranke · 15/02/2023 10:25

Isn’t that just what kids do at that age? I remember having a ‘boyfriend’. Obviously it wasn’t sexual at all, not even sure if we held hands! I think it’s more adults reading too much into things. The amount of times my toddler has been playing with a girl and an adult has said, ‘ah look he’s got himself a little girlfriend’. Drives me mad, they wouldn’t say ‘oh look he’s got a little boyfriend’ if he was playing with a boy. Just let them get on with it and don’t make it into a big deal.

housemaus · 15/02/2023 10:26

WandaWonder · 15/02/2023 09:49

No idea, don't think my child even knew what straight was at 7 let alone any other label people want to stick on people these days

Again, low-level bias. Not 'even...straight', as though this was the basic, obvious, standard, default, correct option. And 'let alone' any of the other - unusual, not default, incorrect - options. Which you're calling 'labels' to further seperate them from what you see as the norm.

I see a lot of this on mumsnet and it's so insidious.

ArcticSkewer · 15/02/2023 10:29

I definitely didn't have romantic feelings for boys or girls at primary, as I can remember being seriously weirded out by the roleplaying marriage stuff that some of the other kids liked playing. It doesn't resonate with any part of me at all. Does that come from parental influence do you think? Were your family big on the whole 'boyfriend)marriage' thing? I definitely saw a lot if that from other parents when my own kids were at primary. The reception year even held an 'official' pretend marriage. Weirdos.
The societal enforced monogamy route is strongly pushed from a young age!

mindutopia · 15/02/2023 10:30

I think in this situation it sounds like she has a really love for her close friend and someone (sounds like bullying friends at school) have put a label on it.

But yes, you absolutely can be gay at 7 just as much as you can be straight. I'm heterosexual and my 2 best friends at 7 were a boy (who is now a gay man) and a girl (who is now a lesbian) - we are still friends 30 years later. They both certainly knew at that age and my girl friend used to ask me to be her 'girlfriend' all the time (I was a bit like, what I don't want a girlfriend or a boyfriend!). But that's not to say that's at all what's going on here. It sounds like kids being mean and them together trying to make sense of their friendship.

FadoFado · 15/02/2023 10:33

Of course!

I vividly remember having a crush on someone when I was 7. So of course your daughter could have a same sex crush. Anyway, I hate when adults make a big deal over little kids having boyfriends or girlfriends ('James (aged 7) is such a ladies man' and all that guff) so I'd just breezily say 'aww, that's nice' and say no more about it.

Lcb123 · 15/02/2023 10:34

I think it’s too young to know your sexuality, and she’s just copying older kids

SomethingOnce · 15/02/2023 10:36

I think you can have a sense of your sexual orientation that develops into physical sexual attraction later on.

FadoFado · 15/02/2023 10:39

Ask 100 lesbians at what age they knew they were gay.