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Can you really be gay at 7?

155 replies

disneydatknee · 15/02/2023 01:09

So its valentines day. My daughter is 7. I helped her make a card for her friend (on her request) and said friend bought her a rose and a load of sweets. Cute right? I picked my daughter up this afternoon and she said matter of factly, her valentine was her girlfriend and they are both lesbian. School friends have called them gay for exchanging gifts. She insists they are girlfriends and she's asked her out. I've just said OK, I'm glad you have each other. I've pushed it no further. Can you really know at 7 or is this just the age that boys are mean and yucky and girls are just nicer to you?! I'm not holding my breath as she is still little and I would have absolutely no problem with her being gay, it's just shocked me how matter of fact she is so young about it. Is this a sign of things to come or is it nothing? Just mentally preparing myself!

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 15/02/2023 08:08

Yes, of course you can know at 7

Theshadowsthecurtainsmake · 15/02/2023 08:10

Some know, some don’t. Personally I was 17 before I realised but I have plenty of friends who always wanted to play mummies and mummies not mummies and daddies when they were little, or played getting married to other girls etc… these people feel they have always known that relationships with men wouldn’t be their future even before they knew the word ‘gay’. This was a religious community where being gay would not be ok, they wouldn’t have older examples to copy etc. Some of us didn’t even have non religious books in the house.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 08:11

Smiley444 · 15/02/2023 07:37

I never knew you were "born with your sexuality". As far as I can see, there is no "gene" but it's a combination of factors including environmental, culture etc. Am I wrong?

you are born with your sexuality, although it can move around a narrow range

Many gay teens grow into straight adults

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2023 08:17

Mars27 · 15/02/2023 01:41

I think also around 6/7 is that age that you really start becoming averse to the opposite sex. Girls start playing a lot more girls and boys with boys. I remember one mum at primary who made such a fuss of inviting DS for her daughter's 7th party because she "loved him, he's a very nice boy", etc. When we turned up it was a proper tea party, only girls there and they had taken their favourite dolls with them. All the little girls looked at DS like he was an alien from outer space and didn't speak to him once. He's 13 and I can't quite say he's forgiven me for that tho.

My husband was made to invite the girls in his class to his 8th birthday party. His mum thought it would be nice. He is 61 this year. He still remembers the horror of having girls at his party. 😂

JustDanceAddict · 15/02/2023 08:18

I’d say maybe!
I remember ‘fancying’ a boy when I was about 8. Obviously not sexual but he was good looking and charismatic - I still remember who he was. Perhaps she feels a strong pull to her friend, too young to call def gay or straight or even bi.
My young adult has gone through all 3 iterations! Prob settled on gay now which makes more sense to me, but I wouldn’t stake my life on her never being with a man (I know gay women who’ve ended up w men in the end and others who’ve had bfs and ended up w women.).
No need to label at 7 but when kids come out later on it often makes sense when you look back.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 08:19

007DoubleOSeven · 15/02/2023 08:08

Yes, of course you can know at 7

but they cant really know forever. Lots of gay teens grow into straight adults ( works the other way too, but gay--> straight is more common

I am not straight

I remember trying to explain this to my parents aged about 7, without having the vocabulary, or really knowing what I was talking about - I was trying to ask what happened to single adult women, as I didnt know any, and already felt the partnerships with men I saw all around me would never be for me

However, "knowing" at 7 just meant I knew what I was at 7, not that I knew what I was going to be at 14, 21, 28 etc.

I never became straight, but that doesnt mean I never will, I have a friend for whom it happened at 40. Im 50, and still not straight, but who knows what I will be at 60?

I guess there is less and less likelihood for movement as you age, and I a do not really believe that wild fluctuations happen throughout your life, but I dont think it is a clear EITHER/OR, and people do move around a little bit, where ever they are on the spectrum

But as a secondary teacher, it is quite striking that gay as a teen does not necessarily mean gay as an adult - I have had many 19/20+ years olds, stalwarts of the LGB clubs at 16, confide in me ( quite soften secretly!) later that they are straight now

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 08:23

It is also interesting to note that you are far less likely to be gay if first born.

This has lead to speculation that human children need so much input to be nurtured, that evolution has developed a nudge, meaning that if you are later born, you get genes turned on or off that move you slightly towards the gay end of your own personal spectrum

This means that going back to prehistoric ages, you would have been less likely to reproduce yourself, and more available to nurture and provide for your nieces and nephews from elder siblings

This could be the evolutionary function of homosexuality

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2023 08:24

My sons had a friend, a girl, who was straight as a young teen. At 19 she came out as gay and had a relationship of 3 or so years with a woman. They all left for uni and adult lives. They are now all married and having babies and live near to each other. The girl who was gay is now married to a man and has a 2 year old.

merlotlover · 15/02/2023 08:28

She probably just loves her friend so much ❤️
They aren't aware of sex etc just love

I think you can know who you are attracted to thou at a young age
Much the same as I knew I was straight (I knew I liked the boy out of return to witch mountain 😝)

AngelinaFibres · 15/02/2023 08:29

I have 2 good friends, both men and married to each other. One of them knew from the start that girls were not for him. He found the whole idea horrid. The other wasn't sure and had relationships with girls because all his friends did. He looked like George Michael when young so got a lot of attention. He realised in his later 20s that men were more his bag.

BobLemon · 15/02/2023 08:30

I remember being in love with my friend at school (girl). But I was quite a romantic child! Loved love stories and happily ever afters. I wasn’t as young as seven I don’t think. But I do remember telling her in a treehouse that I loved her. So, probably still pretty young.

Anyway, totally not gay.

BobLemon · 15/02/2023 08:31

And “gay” wasn’t a thing that was on my radar at all in primary school! It was very much secondary school.

I suspect I would have decided I loved a lot more girls if someone had told me girls could marry girls 😝

CharmedUndead · 15/02/2023 08:33

I'm sure some people do know at 7. But that doesn't mean your dd does. You just nod along supportively and wait and see. Be open and understanding and ready to listen... she'll work it all out in the end. You don't want to fix it as her identity, you just want to be happy to accept wherever she lands on straight/gay/bi.

I would, though, talk to the school about friends calling her gay. Everyone who says being gay is totally acceptable in the UK these days has never worked in a school. There is a lot of homophobia on the playground (which comes from home). Just make sure all is well at school, and that no one is putting her in a box marked 'lesbian' at 7 years old.

Minteraye · 15/02/2023 08:42

I’m surprised at all the people in the thread saying ‘of course’ children don’t experience attraction.

I remember very clearly fancying boys in first/primary school and people going out with each other. At that age (7) of course no one was doing anything sexual (any further than maybe a kiss on the cheek) but it wasn’t ‘copying adults’ and it wasn’t just friends - people liked and fancied each other in a romantic way.

By the age of 10/11 people -were- kissing etc and there was definitely more of a sexual element, although most were not doing anything more than that for a few years until their teens.

I didn’t grow up anywhere weird, just a normal school in the midlands!

I think it’s quite naive (wilfully so?!) to think kids don’t start fancying each other until puberty.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 15/02/2023 08:44

My childhood best friend was obviously gay from a very young age. They didn't realise until they were 16 though! Now, she would have been forced into taking hormone blockers and goodness knows what else as she refused any "girly" stuff. She's very much a lesbian though rather than trans, and is now very femme.

slithytoveisascientist · 15/02/2023 08:48

Ooh I don't know, I remember very clearly fancying one boy at school and kissing (a peck!) through the fence! We were six. And my daughter definitely had an infatuation with a boy that went beyond best friendship at a similar age.

She is very aware that she can marry a girl or a boy as well.

I think you can fancy who you fancy without it being sexual.

That being said, my DD currently wants to marry a girl so she doesn't have to have babies. Their reasoning is different at that age!

Oakbeam · 15/02/2023 08:57

I’m surprised at all the people in the thread saying ‘of course’ children don’t experience attraction

I did. First day at school. So, my fifth birthday.

maddy68 · 15/02/2023 08:58

I would say that sounds normal behaviour for that age. Of course she might be gay but she's 7

Zodfa · 15/02/2023 08:58

At age 7 I had attractions to the opposite sex that were broadly romantic in character, if less intense than the feelings I'd develop later. I think if I'd been aware of the category "straight" I might reasonably have "known I was straight".

But also 7-year-olds get a lot of stuff mixed up and I can easily imagine a girl that age thinking she was gay because of a strong platonic relationship with a female best friend.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 15/02/2023 09:01

These days there really isn't a clear distinction between gay/hetero in kids that are new to the world of big romantic or sexual feelings.

My friends and I all have teens they might cop off with boys and girls at one party then have a long romance with one person of one sex then another.

I think it is wonderful being unconstrained in options and preferences as we were. I like to think I could have enjoyed girls and women instead of my pure hetero life.

Lwrenagain · 15/02/2023 09:05

My BFF was about 6 when she knew, the same way some little girls loved take that etc she was besotted with Mel C and had her poster everywhere. Didn't really like the spice girls, just mel c.
She told me when we were about 6 she was a lesbian, but she didn't come out officially until she was 12 due to her parents homophobia. It was a horrid time to grow up in that respect.
The kids all accused us of being gay because we were inseparable Tom boys, I wasn't bothered by that, but a few other girls sadly wouldn't be our pals due to not wanting to be called "dykes" from the other kids. Were still inseparable now though, so we didn't miss out on anything.

We also had a friend named Joe (boy) who would wear dresses from about 3, he would cry and scream not being allowed to dress in summer dresses for school. Eventually he was allowed.
He asked the kids to start calling him joanne when he was about 5, his parents weren't happy (the 90s weren't massively inclusive) but he truly didn't cope with being a boy. He loved barbies etc. He was much more into stereotypical girls toys than we ever were, he'd be doing our hair and make up, whilst we were playing footie and were wannabe rockstars.
So now Joe lives as Joanne officially and has had the op etc, she has a loving husband, nice life etc, if you hadn't have met Joe, you'd never know Joanne wasn't born Joanne.

I really think it does depend on the kid, if mine said they had same sex bf/gfs I'd not be convinced because they're quite immature, plus I was always was grossed out by boys until I hit puberty and became OBSESSED 😂

I shared about my friend Joanne just because she always felt she was a straight woman, not a gay man. I understand that here trans conversation isn't always respectful so I'll not be engaging in anything negative, I just felt it was relevant as from very young, some of my friends were aware.
I've more friends who've come out as bi/pan etc over the years and that's been anywhere from teens to 30s.

Either way, your daughter sounds a lovely inclusive lass and you must be super proud of her x

N1Co · 15/02/2023 09:09

Smiley444 · 15/02/2023 07:37

I never knew you were "born with your sexuality". As far as I can see, there is no "gene" but it's a combination of factors including environmental, culture etc. Am I wrong?

It’s definitely not environmental/cultural as the enormous numbers of people who are and were persecuted for being gay and wished they could be ‘normal’ wouldn’t be so.

Think of people growing up in countries where being gay is a death sentence.

If I remember correctly the most recent research points to thousands of genes all contributing in a small way to your sexuality, suggesting you’re born gay.

FuckabethFuckor · 15/02/2023 09:13

Two of my brothers are gay. They both knew before they were 10.

Obviously it isn’t sexual at that point because those hormones haven’t happened yet.

Older bro talks about ‘mists clearing patchily’ in terms of self-awareness from the age of about eight. Older relatives would do that patronising ‘marry a nice girl someday’ carry-on and he’d feel all uncomfortable and off because he wanted to marry a nice boy.

Both of them were 100% sure they were gay by the time they were 11 or 12.

MarkWithaC · 15/02/2023 09:15

I agree with others that at her ages she's probably acting out adult social norms, and that she uses the words 'gay' and 'lesbian' because they're now a more usual and unremarkable part of everyday conversation than in the past.
I remember having 'crushes' from probably about her age (on cartoon characters and people in books mainly!), obviously not in a teenage or adult sexual sense but I do think people start to experience attraction in a broad sense quite young.

Soakitup37 · 15/02/2023 09:18

2 close gay friends both said they knew around 7 that they were gay but it wasn’t outwardly expressed until their teen years.

I ABSOLUTELY had emotional feelings towards boys by 7, I had a few “boyfriends” - obviously in the innocence sense but I still remember having feelings towards them that were different from the ones I had towards my family friends or other boys I knew. Everyone around me was aware of it too.

Maybe they are just being friends maybe they do understand feelings of attraction in the same
sex and one day you’ll say you’ve always known. either she is or she isn’t. Time will tell.