MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

Sorry your MiL passed. I suppose it must make you realise your DH won't be there for you at the end either. I would think less of my dh of he treated his Mum like that whilst she was still alive and could have got comfort from your DH being there. I would not care if once she'd gone he did not want to view the body. My FiL passes last year. Both my dh and his brother had really good relationship with him and their Mum. They had been married for 52 years. My MiL was in pieces. My dh took 4 days off work as holiday to go up to be with his Dad for last 2 days of his life and then to help his Mum with undertaker and death certificate. He came home but still sorted celebrant, catering, got an order of service printed and he asked his brother if he'd like to pick some music and/or write eulogy. His brother just said no. I wrote eulogy and picked music. BiL attended funeral but left immediately after and did not go to wake. We don't know why. He did not tell us he was leaving, just disappeared. I just find behaviour like this baffling. I felt angry BiL had left everything to my dh and refused to help at all. In light of this I know MiL has changed executor on her will from BiL to me. MiL has told me she does not think BiL will help with arrangements for her funeral either when the time comes.

I was replying to the poster who said ‘we all have to face it. We don’t.

No his support was not at home. I was in his mother's bedroom holding her hand.
That was very strong of you. It must have been horrible seeing her calling for her son, and not being able to persuade him to come. But your dh didn't see that - perhaps he doesn't even want to imagine that, as it's all too horrible.
When this happened to my ex-MIL, she lived 4 hours away. My exh came to me asking what to do. He was terrified of seeing her die, and that being his lasting memory of her. He asked "Will I regret it if I go up there and see her like that?" I told him that he might regret it if he didn't. He did go up, and he said afterwards that he was pleased he had, but I don't know how he'd have felt if he'd gone and she had been in pain, unhappy etc. - as it was, she was sedated, so it was a quiet goodbye.
My exh went straight back to work after. It was a sign of how hard he found it. He and his family had never openly acknowledged the fact that she was likely to die, even when she was very thin, weak and frail. No hugging, no tears, no "I love yous": we went over for what would turn out to be her final Christmas and it was exactly as usual. But under the surface they were falling apart at the seams. My exh was silently re-assessing his whole life and went on to have an affair. My SIL was in therapy. Not being able to talk about big things is so bad for you.

You could also view your dh's behaviour sympathetically, as a sign that he isn't coping, and feel sorry for him. Do you think the fact that you aren't seeing it that way is because of your horrible experience at her bedside, or are there other things going on?

That’s so incredibly sad. I’d never be able to see him in the same light again either.

Everyone deals with death differently and I don't think we can judge anyone for how the act in such stressful times.

I'm fortunate that I still have both my parents but I honestly don't know how I will react when it comes time for them to go. I like to think that I will be stoic and strong enough to be with them if that is what they want but I am also very aware that i might not have that strength when it comes to it.

My mum was with my Nan when she passed and though she is aware that it gave my Grandfather comfort (Nan wasn't aware of anything by the end) that she was there she does say it was so hard to see her go and has tainted her memories of her vibrant larger than life mother.

I think you need some compassion for your DH and what he is going through. He may come to regret his decision in the future he may not but you putting your expectations on him isn't fair.

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada put it the best and most eloquently.

Nobody is comfortable with death. But it is a fear you put aside to support your loved one.

Yes people grieve differently but bowing out and hiding is flipping crap.

I understand how you feel especially since his mother was asking for him.

However now is not the time to discuss this with him. That can be a conversation saved for later but it's a conversation I would need to have. I expect he will come to regret not being there. You don't get a second chance at that I'm afraid.

I loved my Dad very much.

But I absolutely did not want to be there at the end.

If he was conscious and knew who I was then maybe I would have wanted to, but he was not, he hadn't been aware of his surroundings for a while.

I was called heartless by other family members. I just couldn't bare to be there.

im in two minds

i was there when my mother died and it haunted me still does-instea dof my own nic ememories all ve got is her slipping away

people deal with death in different ways-but then if she was asking for me id hav to go

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada

Your post sums it up for me too!

I have encountered people who excuse themselves from doing the decent thing by saying they don’t like hospitals/deaths/funerals etc. I want to say “it’s not about you”
Be a grown up and do what the sick person wants. Do what’s right.

I think you are being unreasonable. It's his mum. You don't get to choose how he deals with her death and dying.

My dad died on Saturday. I didn't want to be there. However I bowed to societal pressure and went. It was so traumatic. He didn't just "fall asleep". And now all I can remember is his last hour. When I think of him I'm filled with horror.

Let your husband follow his instinct and make his own choices. He's in for a hard enough time without your judgment.

Ah, that was me. Poor turn of phrase on my part. I didn't mean he literally had to be there, but that at some point he will need to acknowledge the fact that he will loose a parent, as everyone will at some point.

People seem so weak and selfish now. Sometimes we have to do our duty, as hard as that is, and that would definitely be to go to the deathbed of a loving mother who was asking for us repeatedly.

Of course everyone deals with death in different ways but I think his reaction sits outside the normal range. He is a grown up but he avoided doing the adult thing.
He should have put his fears aside and gone and supported his family as best he could.

I understand everyone deals with death differently, but if your own mother was calling for you near death...would you not go? really?

I feel in this case, I understand OP upset with her husband. It is cruel of him to deny his mother.

This is heartbreaking. Ugh he sounds just like my uncle, took 4 days to get his arse to my poor gran’s deathbed. Having to explain that to her was just awful.
So glad this lovely lady has such a kind DIL taking care of her.

I did this with my partners nan and it’s absolutely haunted me. I guess I’m not a proper grown up

When my FIL died after a long illness I was the one who went to support my MIL while she was waiting for the funeral directors to move him. I have complex PTSD and death is a huge phobia of mine, so much so that I now have OCD because of it. I had to swallow my fears and be there for my MIL. My partner couldn't face it and I also know he wouldn't have been the best support for my MIL at the time. The difference here is the fact that my partner, our daughter and myself went every day before his death so he had already said his goodbyes.
I'm not sure how I would have coped if it had been my own family member though. My sister died at 39 of breast cancer. I saw her a few days before she died in the hospice. We were told she had at least two weeks left. She died before I got chance to travel down again. I would like to think I would have manned up and be there for her if I could have. I have many regrets over my DSis and not being there at the end is one of them.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, but I think I'd be upset over the fact his DM had asked for him so much and he didn't go. I'm NC with my mother, but it was the final straw for me when she didn't visit my DSis when she asked for her. She didn't even go to the funeral.

Eastenders possibly?

My partner used drink to grief when his mother passed. Everyone deals with grief differently.

Jesus I think you need to be supporting your husband and however he wishes to deal.with the death of HIS mother.

Lots of people find it very hard to see loved ones at the end, my friend didn’t go to her daughters funeral, she was broken and I honestly think it was for the best as it would of sent her over the edge. Just because your husband wasn’t there at the end mean he doesn’t care!

Was it because he didn't care or because he couldn't cope? The two are very different. One means he's an arse and the other means he needs support and understanding. Not everybody has your strength.

YABU. On every level.

Your husbands mother is dying. He’s gone straight for the “avoid” response which is a very common instinctive response to something that might harm you. And your response is the berate him on mumsnet. Perhaps you should turn your attention to supporting him.

Red flags are you.

I just missed my Dad’s final moments, and it saddened me hugely that I wasn’t able to hold his hand. Just because someone doesn’t appear to be aware of anything, we can’t know for certain.

My sister and I made sure we were with our Mum, and yes, it obviously is a lasting memory, but there’s no reason why it should overshadow happy times.

When my DH was given a terminal diagnosis, he wanted to remain at home with me. I was, understandably, a little anxious about how I would handle it, but he was such a loving, wonderful man, and his wishes were the most important consideration. Fortunately, we had amazing support from the district nursing team for his pain relief, and a hospital bed with an air mattress was installed in the sitting room for his comfort. I could sleep on the sofa next to him, and he slipped peacefully away late one night. Although my sorrow at losing the man I loved was overwhelming, I was relieved that he was no longer in pain, and he had been able to stay in a place he loved.

Only your husband knows how he personally can deal with this, he needs comfort at this sad time not condemnation, maybe one day he will regret it, but it’s not your decision it’s his.
We all have our own ways of dealing with the death of a loved one, there is no right way, stop being so judgmental.

It's true that people do grieve differently and there is no right or wrong.

However, personally I think if the person who is dying wants to see a beloved child (and they had a good relationship etc etc), that child should set aside their own feelings and be there. I was with my mum when she died and hard as it was, it was an honour. She was with me when I made my entry into this world and I was with her when she made her exit. My sister however, chose to go on holiday as she couldn't face it. She has beaten herself up ever since, regrets it massively and it still causes her a lot of pain.

To hear your MIL was asking for him and he took 6 hours to get there is heart breaking and no, I don't think I could ever see him in the same light again. Plus it would make me wonder, in my times of trouble, if it was something he didn't feel comfortable with, would he be there for me.

I hope she has/had a peaceful passing.