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Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
Bertha21 · 15/02/2023 08:19

Maybe he is in denial and trying not to deal with it. Is his answer to run/bury his head in life. I think he needs you. He is just struggling. Everyone deals with death differently.

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/02/2023 08:20

A lot of people are completely in denial about death. He will regret this for the rest of his life.

pattihews · 15/02/2023 08:20

MojoDaysxx · 15/02/2023 08:07

Each person must do what's right for them.

And others will judge them for they do and fail to do and feel differently about them and maybe decide to divorce them, having seen who it is they're married to.

Is this a difference between the sexes? Is it because mothers are required, every day, to dig deep and find the patience and strength and courage to cope with babies' and children's needs, despite they fact they'd love to just run away and hide? 'Do what's right for you' is not a good way to go through life. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, whether you want to or not.

Intrepidescape · 15/02/2023 08:21

This isn’t up to you. He doesn’t want to see his mother in the active stages of dying. My brother was the same.

It also seems that his mother was still alive when he went over there.

Death is hard enough without your wife judging your behaviour. Have some compassion and stop being so judgemental.

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 08:21

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/02/2023 08:20

A lot of people are completely in denial about death. He will regret this for the rest of his life.

You have no way of knowing that. My friend deeply regrets being there and seeing and hearing what she did.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 15/02/2023 08:22

Salantanamana · 15/02/2023 00:43

Yes she did ask for him in every minute that she was able to, probably 6 times today, she asked for him.

Show quote history

That's very sad. I get that grief is personal, but does he know his mum has been asking for him? I think he needs to know this.

Nn9011 · 15/02/2023 08:22

Unfortunately I also would see this as a massive red flag - men leave their sick partners so often that many doctors will warn their female patients on diagnosis that it may happen. I would be having a discussion what he would do if it was you because his actions suggest he wouldn't be there.

follyfoot37 · 15/02/2023 08:23

Nowdontmakeamess · 15/02/2023 07:12

@follyfoot37 you need to give your DH a break and support him however he chooses to deal with this

You have no ‘right’ to dictate how OP should respond in this situation. It’s very hypocritical to make an excuse for the DH by saying that everyone responds to grief differently but that the OP has to be completely supportive. She will be grieving too, where’s her support?

Ok, explain why you put 'right' as in I have no right - and while we are on the subject of who is 'right' or not, you have no 'right' to in quotation marks and explain why I am a) being hypocritical and b) excusing her husband and c) dictating (because on this thread, using your definition of dictating, many others have done exactly that)
I did not say the OP had to be "completely" supportive - just that she had to support him as he should support her. The OP stated that she "will think less of him" because he didn't react in the way she expected him to, which is is rather odd

RenegadeMrs · 15/02/2023 08:23

I'm staggered by the replies on this thread. A dying woman is asking to see her son, he's not going and everyone is sticking it to the OP? Obviously no one wants to see a loved one die, and the loss of a parent is unbearable, but it is something we all have to face. He is being monumentally selfish and unfair to his Mum. I absolultly would be judging that too.

Pinkjacket22 · 15/02/2023 08:24

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

Totally agree with this as well.

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 08:24

RenegadeMrs · 15/02/2023 08:23

I'm staggered by the replies on this thread. A dying woman is asking to see her son, he's not going and everyone is sticking it to the OP? Obviously no one wants to see a loved one die, and the loss of a parent is unbearable, but it is something we all have to face. He is being monumentally selfish and unfair to his Mum. I absolultly would be judging that too.

No, people can choose not to face it. They have a choice to be there or not.

EL0ISE · 15/02/2023 08:25

I agree with @Backstreetsbackalrightdadada . What kind of person refuses to see their dying mother who is asking for them because it’s too hard ? Yes of course he is uncomfortable with death and doesn’t want to see it - very few of us do ( unless we work in end of life care ).

I bet the Op and her SIL are not doing it because they enjoy it and find it easy - they are doing it out of love and respect for their mother / MIL.

It is his duty to be there to see his mother and support the rest of his family.

And yes I’d think less of him OP. Id not trust his to be there for me or any of my children if he can abandon his own mother and sister at a time like this.

suggestionsplease1 · 15/02/2023 08:25

I get where you're coming from OP.

I had a similar situation when my granny was dying. I, alongside my aunt and uncle spent days at her bedside whilst my parents remained on holiday abroad. When they got back to Heathrow on their scheduled flight I asked them to get another flight from there straight up to the hospital to see her before she died. They didn't do this and I had to walk back into the room with my aunt, uncle and granny with my heart breaking, saying my father, their brother, my granny's son, was not coming.

You feel incredibly let down and disappointed for everyone. You're already exhausted with emotional stress and lack of sleep and you see others stepping away from it all, not supporting the dying person and not supporting you and the rest of the family.

I understand everyone responds differently and I still love my parents. But it is like I have new knowledge of them and it's knowledge I wasn't expecting and really wish I didn't have.

CrunchyCarrot · 15/02/2023 08:25

I expect your DH doesn't want to see his mother die. There's no shame in that, everyone handles death differently. Don't be too hard on him, OP.

countrygirl99 · 15/02/2023 08:27

BIL made a big thing of being there when his dad died and DH wasn't because he couldn't face it. But BIL hadn't been around at all for the previous 8 years when his parents needed care. When they needed taking to hospital appointments or looking after following radiation therapy or surgery. He wasn't the one dealing with social services or trailing found care homes trying to make the best choice. He wasn't the one called out when FIL had a fall or an emergency admission and MIL needed someone there 24/7. He wasn't the one that went to the care home to tell his mum FIL had died. MIL has been in a care home 8 months now but BIL has only been to see her once, the day before FiLs funeral.
But as far as he is concerned he was there when FIL died and DH chose to say his goodbyes and not go back so that makes him the better son!

MegaClutterSlut · 15/02/2023 08:29

Sorry about your mil. Fil couldn't be there when his dm died, he just couldn't do it. When fil died, bil couldn't go in the room to see him after he'd gone although her asking for him puts a different spin on it. Even if I didn't want to be there, if a loved one asked for me I'd have to be there

Df has been diagnosed with dementia and has been in a care home nearly a year and one of my DB still hasn't visited yet as he just can't handle it. Do I judge him? No, I do try to gently encourage him as I know he's going to regret if for the rest of his life if he dies before he does

SmurfingGoodTime · 15/02/2023 08:30

Being closer to dying and death does strange things to people. Be prepared, so does grief. Be kind to your husband and support him, it is his mother that is passing.

ZenNudist · 15/02/2023 08:30

It's very understandable if perhaps immature. As adults we don't get much chance practicing our reaction to death usually so we can react by hiding from it.

I can think of examples in my own family and friends. He is not alone in how he behaved. He's grieving now just support him. Help him learn and maybe he will act differently with another death.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 15/02/2023 08:31

My last memory of my mum is her dying in front of me. I'd do anything to not have that memory. Nearly three years later and it replays in my head like a film again and again.

Let your husband grieve his own way.

Suzi888 · 15/02/2023 08:31

My father didn’t go to my man’s death bed. He couldn’t do it, he was absolutely devastated.
She had other children there with her, those that weren’t as close. My dad saw my nan every day, took her shopping, she came for dinner. He just couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye.

I don’t want to attend anyone’s death bed either. There’s another thread running about this. Most people rather die alone was the consensus- maybe your DH and his mum had spoken of this.

Naunet · 15/02/2023 08:35

I’d judge him too OP, because whilst I understand everyone reacts differently, this is your future. If you were to become gravely ill, he’s not going to be there for you.

RenegadeMrs · 15/02/2023 08:35

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 08:24

No, people can choose not to face it. They have a choice to be there or not.

Show quote history

That wasn't what OP was commenting on. OP clearly can't force them to be there, but her instincts are that by no going to see his dying mother, who is asking to see him, his actions are lacking and I'd agree with her.

All your compassion seems to be for the son and none for the mother, who is still alive and asking to see her son.

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2023 08:38

I don’t know if I am reading this wrong but he has been to see her, but not straight away

BaconIsEvil · 15/02/2023 08:39

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/02/2023 08:20

A lot of people are completely in denial about death. He will regret this for the rest of his life.

I watched my dad die.....I really wish I hadn't. The image of him taking his last breathe is one I'll never forget and have had counselling for. It took many months before that image was replace with him smiling. I believe it prolonged my grief as it's been almost 3 years now and I'm only just coming out the other side. If I had that time again I can honestly say I would not have been there at the end...it's not how I want to remember my lovely dad.

Pinkjacket22 · 15/02/2023 08:41

RenegadeMrs · 15/02/2023 08:23

I'm staggered by the replies on this thread. A dying woman is asking to see her son, he's not going and everyone is sticking it to the OP? Obviously no one wants to see a loved one die, and the loss of a parent is unbearable, but it is something we all have to face. He is being monumentally selfish and unfair to his Mum. I absolultly would be judging that too.

This as well. Does he actually think his sister is enjoying herself there or that she knows what she is doing in a way he doesn't? - she probably wants to run away from everything as well but it sounds like she doesn't have a choice as she has no other support. It would change my view of him as well. Like would he be there if I needed him in sickness and heath (I wouldn't feel confident that he would) my brother was in the gym with his phone switched off when my mum passed and he is generally quite callous in how he treats people especially females. I no longer choose to be around him very much for this reason.