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Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 15/02/2023 09:35

I would feel the same as you OP. When my darling dad died last year my mum, sister and I were all with him as we had been every day throughout his short illness. I am still absolutely heartbroken but it does give me some comfort to know I was with him, that I held his hand, told him I loved him many times and that I was there for mum and sis also - we provided comfort for each other. It is such a huge event, to lose a parent. So what if someone is "uncomfortable" with death, it's no picnic for anyone but you do what you can for those you love.

I too would lose respect for my DH if this is how he behaves with his mother on her deathbed. If something happened to you would he stay away from your bedside too??

Emilia35 · 15/02/2023 09:36

People saying everyone deals with death differently...the husband is NOT yet dealing with death. He is dealing with his sick mother who has asked to see him several times while she is at her most vulnerable. There is something very wrong with all these people who see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I wonder how people would react if a husband said he couldn't be with his wife who needed him during childbirth because pain makes him uncomfortable. This is essentially the same but a lot worse because he will never get to apologise or make up for his selfishness.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2023 09:37

Summerfun54321 · 15/02/2023 00:45

He knew she was surrounded by people who loved her, you're acting like he let his mother die alone. It's not a spectacle, it's the end of someone's life and everyone says goodbye in their own way at different times. I think to be cross at your own husband when his mother has just died is really wrong.

His mother actually asked for him and he couldn't face it.

What would he be like if, god forbid, the OP needed him in the same way?

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2023 09:39

niugboo · 15/02/2023 09:26

YABU. On every level.

Your husbands mother is dying. He’s gone straight for the “avoid” response which is a very common instinctive response to something that might harm you. And your response is the berate him on mumsnet. Perhaps you should turn your attention to supporting him.

Red flags are you.

The OP is actually supporting her MiL, who is the important person in this scenario

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/02/2023 09:41

Some people do not want to accept the inevitable, even when they've been told point blank they will regret it every single day.

My husband was the same (although to be fair to him he'd been estranged from his mother for years at that point). It's not a red flag, although it does indicate that he might run from the tougher things in life.

Blossomtoes · 15/02/2023 09:41

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2023 09:37

His mother actually asked for him and he couldn't face it.

What would he be like if, god forbid, the OP needed him in the same way?

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s even about that. It’s the callousness or cowardice of someone who is so lacking in humanity that they won’t visit their dying mother when she’s asking for him. I wouldn’t want to be married to that.

follyfoot37 · 15/02/2023 09:41

Passthechocolatesplease · 15/02/2023 09:32

Only your husband knows how he personally can deal with this, he needs comfort at this sad time not condemnation, maybe one day he will regret it, but it’s not your decision it’s his.
We all have our own ways of dealing with the death of a loved one, there is no right way, stop being so judgmental.

This @Nowdontmakeamess
Are you going to have a go at this post?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/02/2023 09:43

Emilia35 · 15/02/2023 09:36

People saying everyone deals with death differently...the husband is NOT yet dealing with death. He is dealing with his sick mother who has asked to see him several times while she is at her most vulnerable. There is something very wrong with all these people who see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I wonder how people would react if a husband said he couldn't be with his wife who needed him during childbirth because pain makes him uncomfortable. This is essentially the same but a lot worse because he will never get to apologise or make up for his selfishness.

I've known lots of women make their husbands take their kids to medical appointments where the kid might get an injection because they can't face their child being in pain. I don't think the situations are comparable at all.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/02/2023 09:43

@Emilia35 You have put that very well, I agree with every word. The husband is not "dealing" with it in his own way, he is avoiding his terminally ill mother and, yes, I would very much judge him for that. There are times when, as an adult, you need to set aside your own discomfort and unease, and provide whatever comfort and love you can when someone close to you is dying.

If he stays away from his mum despite her asking for him, he will almost certainly feel terrible guilt and regret afterwards. We would all like to bury our heads in the sand at times and avoid pain and discomfort but, as decent people, sometimes we need to be there for those we love regardless of how difficult it is.

Mariposista · 15/02/2023 09:46

Blossomtoes · 15/02/2023 09:41

I don’t think it’s even about that. It’s the callousness or cowardice of someone who is so lacking in humanity that they won’t visit their dying mother when she’s asking for him. I wouldn’t want to be married to that.

Show quote history

Nor would I. Poor poor lady. At least her lovely DIL is there.

user1471538283 · 15/02/2023 09:48

That is so disappointing. I was there when my DF passed and it was hard. It is hard for everyone. But I knew he could hear me and for the last time we sat together like we used to chatting (although he didn't speak except one time) and reading (just me this time). Apparently he responded when I said I loved him so they do know. I just wanted him to know I was there like he always was for me.

I would think very differently about him if I were you. What if this happens to you?

echt · 15/02/2023 09:48

Blossomtoes · 15/02/2023 09:41

I don’t think it’s even about that. It’s the callousness or cowardice of someone who is so lacking in humanity that they won’t visit their dying mother when she’s asking for him. I wouldn’t want to be married to that.

Show quote history

He did visit her. Can't you read? It's in the OP's OP.

mirax · 15/02/2023 09:50

TheAustralian · 15/02/2023 00:47

Red flags 🙄 offs

You sound like a bully.. It’s his mum not yours. Let him deal with his grief his way. You think there are red flags because he isn’t dealing with his parents death the way you want/think?

i hope he sees the red flags and leaves

I deal with death everyday at work. Everyone reacts and deals differently. There is no right way

Actually the callousness of your reply makes you sound like a bully.

Schnooze · 15/02/2023 09:51

SpookyBlackCat · 14/02/2023 23:57

Perhaps it's asking you question how he would react if you were ill or dying. I had similar feelings about my Ex. It's not easy.

That would be my concern. He’s proved he wouldn’t be there for me in my hour of need.

Dymaxion · 15/02/2023 09:52

Sorry you are all going through this OP. Did your DH know she had asked for him 6 times ? were you in contact with him ? Did he manage to see his Mum when he did arrive ?

niugboo · 15/02/2023 09:53

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2023 09:39

The OP is actually supporting her MiL, who is the important person in this scenario

Show quote history

@Nanny0gg no. She’s posting on mumsnet. If she’s got time to do that. She’s got time to support him. And how about this.

I’ve been with my dying mother in law. My poor husband is really struggling and currently refusing to go and see her. How can I help him? I don’t want him to regret his irreversible choice? Etc.

Schnooze · 15/02/2023 09:54

Oh and the fact he ignored her wish to see him, is a huge red flag. It’s cruel.

mirax · 15/02/2023 09:55

My brother is exactly like this. It is not because he can’t, it’s because he doesn’t want to and he knows I will do the hard things for Mum’s benefit, so he feels he has a choice. And I am the one that is faced with the question ’when is X coming’. People have no idea what it is like to be elderly, sick, frightened and just want to see your children. And they don’t come.

In many cultures, especially traditional Asian ones, women are left to handle these matters as it is seen as their domain. These are the same cultures where the dying mum would have treated the absent son as a little princeling and be pining for his presence at her side in her last few moments.

Dear OP, my condolences. Yes, you cannot unsee such a huge character failing and you do need to talk to your husband but maybe at later date?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/02/2023 09:55

People saying everyone deals with death differently...the husband is NOT yet dealing with death. He is dealing with his sick mother who has asked to see him several times while she is at her most vulnerable. There is something very wrong with all these people who see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I wonder how people would react if a husband said he couldn't be with his wife who needed him during childbirth because pain makes him uncomfortable. This is essentially the same but a lot worse because he will never get to apologise or make up for his selfishness.

I 100% agree with this.

Once a person has died, I think it's entirely up to you how you cope with it; but whilst they're still here, it's about them, not you.

I think it's very selfish to just categorise your loved one 'a dying person', figure that you don't like death (who does?) and so avoid them.

It's important to separate the two and not equate your beautiful DM and her lifetime filled with love with the unpleasantness of death itself. Their final few days should be centred on them, their feelings and what they find comforting. Once they're gone, you have years, maybe decades, to centre yourself.

This may sound callous, but I don't tend to hear of people who can't face being there in their loved one's final moments also not being able to face receiving and benefiting from any financial inheritance that comes as a result.

Blossomtoes · 15/02/2023 09:55

echt · 15/02/2023 09:48

He did visit her. Can't you read? It's in the OP's OP.

Show quote history

After she’d asked for him repeatedly. It took him hours.

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 09:56

DirectionToPerfection · 15/02/2023 00:07

If his mother was a good one, and they have a good relationship, I think it's unfair to her. It's a horrible situation but he should be there for her if at all possible.

I understand why you feel the way you do OP.

Maybe she doesn't want a crowd of people. I know someone who died a few years ago, loads of family round the bed, lots of crying, lots of "what's happening now" questions. In the end the dying person, who was supposedly unconscious, asked them to all fuck off and let him die in peace.

I've told my kids that when the time comes they can come and say their goodbyes but I don't want people sitting round waiting for "it" to happen.

DMLady · 15/02/2023 09:56

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. My dad died last year and part of me wishes I’d been there (there was no warning so no phone call to come quickly etc) to be with him in his final moments and part of me is selfishly glad I wasn’t as I think I’d have found it really traumatic. When I got the phone call to say he’d gone, I said I didn’t want to see him, but I did subsequently go and I’m glad I did. I think it’s hard to know how we’ll respond before these things happen; the fact your MIL was asking for your DH and he didn’t go is heartbreaking but I suppose it depends on why — and only you (and he) know that. If you think he didn’t go because he didn’t care, then yes, that would make me question how well I knew him. If it’s because he knew he couldn’t cope, then maybe that’s different? It must have been hard for you and your SIL, though, either way…

Xol · 15/02/2023 09:58

What would get to me about this is the inherent preciousness in saying he's not comfortable around death. Does he really imagine anyone else involved finds the situation comfortable? In life we all sometimes have to do what makes us uncomfortable, and if that is the worst thing that ever happens to us, we've been exceptionally lucky.

ancientgran · 15/02/2023 09:59

I missed that she'd asked for him, which was a very relevant piece of information. I still say the automatic reaction of you all have to be there if someone is dying isn't always the right position.

smileladiesplease · 15/02/2023 10:01

I totally agree with sausageroll

Being an adult it about putting your feelings behind another's need not 'oh wow is me I can't!' My dh spent his mums last hours massaging her feet. It's called love. I would feel like you op