Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 15/02/2023 07:40

Where is your compassion for him? Imagine how painful this is.

How he wants to deal with it, and right now it seems to be denial, he needs love, support and understanding. Poor guy.

HalftermHell2 · 15/02/2023 07:45

How is this a "red flag" we have just lost someone in my husband's family this week, one of the children (adult in their 50s) and a grand child, again an adult in their 30s did not want to be there as they found it too distressing. No one shouted "red flag" at them, everyone just respected that they felt they couldn't cope with it, let's face it it's and awful thing to witness. If your husband doesn't want to be there at the end and prefers to remember his mum as she was, it doesn't mean anyone should judge or make him feel worse than he already does, not everyone handles death the same. You should be supporting him right now, not judging him.

UnicornsDoExist · 15/02/2023 07:47

DirectionToPerfection · 15/02/2023 00:08

Hear hear. You've expressed it far better than I could.

Show quote history

I concur.

similar thing happened in my own family. And now, another family member has received a devastating diagnosis, guess what, nowhere to be seen once again

gamerchick · 15/02/2023 07:52

No way I'm going to judge someone not wanting to watch someone die. Absolutely not. Poor bugger having to put up with anger at a time like that.

cptartapp · 15/02/2023 07:52

SIL spent all her time there since diagnosis?! That's quite unusual. Sounds like they were very 'close'. Did MIL treat her DC fairly and equally throughout her lifetime or is your DH harbouring some unspoken resentment?

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2023 07:54

He may grieve later on and regret not going but he may also thank god he didn't see her die. It may have just been too much for him to cope with it's his mother not yours. She won't be grieving, she no longer exists once she's dead and won't have to live with any thoughts of how her son didn't visit her on her death bed. He will have to deal with whatever emotions that would have brought up and maybe he just couldn't cope with seeing his mum dying.

Yes you did a lovely thing being there for her but I don't think as a DIL it's the same for you as him seeing his mother pass away. They have a whole lifetime of memories and a special bond as mother and child that you don't have.

He'll need your love and support now not your judgement. Imagine he'd have gone because you thought he should have, he could end up resenting you making him see something which took a huge emotional toll on him.

Noicant · 15/02/2023 07:58

saraclara · 15/02/2023 07:14

That's precious little compassion here for OP, who clearly loved her MIL, who sat with her as she was dying, and heard her ask repeatedly for her son, who didn't come.
She's grieving too.

I adored my late MIL, and miss her so much. My DH pre-deceased her, so we were so important to each other.

Agree with this, what was OP to say to a woman she loves who’s dying? Lie and say “he’s coming” or tell the truth “he won’t come”.

TenoringBehind · 15/02/2023 07:58

Perhaps this is the only way he can cope with the situation. I think you should shown more empathy and compassion for him.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/02/2023 07:59

SomePosters · 15/02/2023 00:11

Are you seriously judging him for how he is dealing with his mothers death?

The red flags are on you here as far as I’m concerned… you can’t be understanding and supportive of him while he’s about to lose his mum?

From what you’ve said she wouldn’t know he was there anyway and if he doesn’t want to see her like that at the very end then that’s his grieving and I can’t believe someone who claims to love him (I assume that’s why you married him?) would be so harsh on him at this point.

He should have gone to support others should he?

Where is his support? Certainly not at home!

Totally agree with this.

LongLostTeacher · 15/02/2023 07:59

I’m sorry your MIL is dying, OP.

I’m pretty staggered by the double standards on this thread. The OP is clearly grieving too, is supporting her MIL and SIL and I presume responding to her MIL when she asks where her son is, but it’s somehow OK for posters here to tell her she is showing red flags, should butt out, it’s none of her business etc. These posters apparently understand compassion, because they are capable of feeling it for her DH, but not the OP.

I thought of the circle of grief analogy too - we are all so much further out than the OP that our job should not be to burden her with unkind and unhelpful comments. And the circles also apply to DH and I can understand the OP wondering why he cannot support the person at the very centre of the circle, his own mum.

I hope the coming days pass gently for you and your family OP. I would not rush to discuss your DH’s reactions with him, OP, there will be time for that when things have settled. I think, even if I was disappointed in my DH, that one day I would like to look back on this time and be able to say that I supported all my family, even if I disagreed with how they were handling it. Your feelings of shock and disappointment with your DH will be mingled with the shock and grief you are feeling at your MIL passing, give yourself time to unpick this a bit later.

You sound like a wonderful daughter in law.

Noicant · 15/02/2023 07:59

I can’t imagine how I would feel if I asked for my daughter and she didn’t come but her husband did.

Greenfairydust · 15/02/2023 08:01

It is not you call and you need to respect his wishes.

You would act differently for your own family but he has the right to choose how to behave with his.

It all depends on what his relationship with his parent is like or they could be issues with other family members as well and he doesn't want to grieve around them.

Sometimes I think people are more concerned about putting a performance and looking like they care. Your husband has the right to choose to do it his way.

I did not go to my father's funeral because I would have been an hypocrite if I pretended to care. He was abusive throughout my childhood and teenage years and I had no love for that. Yet my relatives expected me to do the ''right'' thing. I chose not to. I appreciate this is a different scenario here but again people react differently to these events.

I really don't think this is a red flag.

pattihews · 15/02/2023 08:02

I'd think less of him too, OP, in the circumstances you describe. I would prefer to be married to someone who, when times are hard, steps up and does the right thing rather than run away. I think a lot of men avoid anything painful or emotional and on one level I can understand that. I've sat with a number of dying relatives and it's heartbreaking. But this is his mother — and you say she has been a good mother. He's taken the coward's way out and I would judge and not feel the same way about him. I would be wondering what he'd do if I was dangerously ill. Would he abandon me and walk away because he couldn't deal with it?

LightSpeeds · 15/02/2023 08:03

I'm really sorry about what's happened. It's terrible that he couldn't come when she asked for him SIX times. (I'd be interested to know what sort of person he is, generally.)

I'm also sorry about some of the really horrible responses you've had here.

Tessisme · 15/02/2023 08:03

I don't think it's fair to expect him to deal with death by following a set script. Of course, in an ideal world he would be at his mum's bedside, but death does strange things to people. I was glad (well not glad but ...) my dad died during the night in his sleep at hospital. I don't think I could have sat with him, waiting for his last breath. And what's more, I know he would have understood. Death and dealing with death is a messy business.

I'm so sorry @Salantanamana that you are about to lose your lovely MILFlowers

pattihews · 15/02/2023 08:04

I want to say, OP, that I think some of the responses I've just read here repulse me. There are times when I despair of Mumsnet. Real malicious cruelty being expressed to you.

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 08:07

Noicant · 15/02/2023 07:59

I can’t imagine how I would feel if I asked for my daughter and she didn’t come but her husband did.

As I know my children love me very much, I would know it’s their way of coping and it’s too hard to see me die. As much as I may want them with me, I would understand and wouldn’t want anyone to judge them. I will always just want them to know how much I love them and for them to be ok. They’ll have to cope with life without me afterall, I’ll be gone, so whatever they need to do to get through, they should do.

Snowpatrolling · 15/02/2023 08:07

I work with end of life patients. Everyone deals with it differently. I used to judge family that wernt there at the end, when I was new to the job. 10 years on doing the job I no longer judge. People do the best they can, and death is a tricky thing to navigate. My dad died a few years ago and I didn’t cope well seeing him the day before he died, really screwed me up and I get paid for dealing with that!

LongLostTeacher · 15/02/2023 08:07

pattihews · 15/02/2023 08:04

I want to say, OP, that I think some of the responses I've just read here repulse me. There are times when I despair of Mumsnet. Real malicious cruelty being expressed to you.

Agreed, sometimes people treat the entire forum like IABU. In situations like this it’s just heartless.

MojoDaysxx · 15/02/2023 08:07

Each person must do what's right for them.

MargotMoon · 15/02/2023 08:12

I wonder how he would feel if his own children weren't there for him when he dies? Because that's what it boils down to.

Ionacat · 15/02/2023 08:13

You are both in a difficult situation and with grieving, the process starts before the person has gone. No one knows how they personally are going to act and feel until that moment comes. I’ve was with my Mum in her last hours but yet I know I couldn’t have coped with a goodbye conversation - I would have frozen, probably like your husband. I’d been in and out the hospital and the next day got a phone call saying she was unconscious. Although I headed over there, she remained unconscious for next few days until she died.

This isn’t a time to judge and get angry with each other, there’s no right or wrong way to react. It’s okay to have that moment of panic and freeze and think I can’t do this, it’s okay to burst into tears, it’s okay to take some time to process it and it’s also okay to rush straight there. Be gentle to each other and make sure you are supported too.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 15/02/2023 08:15

Some harsh replies on here OP.
His mother was asking for him as she was dying and he stayed away... I would think less of him as well. I wouldn't say it to him.... but it would make me look at him in a different way. As if s**t hits the fan and he's going to run away.
I would also be thinking if I ever needed him... would he run away?

He will probably regret not going to see her. Hearing is the last sense to go, even if she isn't conscious theres a good chance she can still hear. Some people do hang on for family members to arrive.

People saying everyone deals with death different but...
No one WANTS to deal with death, no one WANTS to see someone die. But if your bringing comfort to the person who is dying it is the ultimate privilege.

In my personal life and professional life I have been with close relatives and patients in their last moments. I'm only early 30s and my first grandparent died when I was 16 and I was there. It didn't enter my head not too. It's not something you want to do but it's a fact of life.

toomuchlaundry · 15/02/2023 08:18

@Salantanamana are you with your MIL because she wants you there or because you want to be there?

Rebellious23 · 15/02/2023 08:18

I don't know
My dad wasn't with my mum when she died and yes I'm still a bit angry about it
If I've ever been married for 50 years I want my husband with me when I die. He couldn't do it so I had to or she would have died alone