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Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2023 18:11

DH’s Nan kept mentioning her deceased husband and a daughter who had died in infancy in her last few days.

My Nan thought my DF was my deceased grandad (his dad) and then got confused who my DM was as why would her husband be with another woman

IrritableCowSyndrome · 16/02/2023 18:21

I think he should have been there.

His mum asked for him on numerous occasions.

He should be there to comfort her.

I'd hate to think that my son didn't want to come and see me in my final hours!

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/02/2023 18:23

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2023 18:11

DH’s Nan kept mentioning her deceased husband and a daughter who had died in infancy in her last few days.

My Nan thought my DF was my deceased grandad (his dad) and then got confused who my DM was as why would her husband be with another woman

That's sad but it in no way relates to the OPs situation.

iklboo · 16/02/2023 19:06

I sat with my mum for 32 hours until she finally passed away last year. It was one of the most harrowing experiences I've ever had in my life and I still have nightmares.

People deal with death differently. He may have thought if he wasn't there it wasn't 'real' or she could rally. It's not necessarily red flag behaviour.

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 19:08

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/02/2023 18:23

That's sad but it in no way relates to the OPs situation.

Show quote history

It does in that the OPs MIL was asking for her son whilst dying. This experience and the one I’ve referred to beforehand show that someone that is dying can say all sorts, their thoughts aren’t rational. Her son could have been in the room and she would probably have still been asking for him.

Blossomtoes · 16/02/2023 19:19

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 19:08

It does in that the OPs MIL was asking for her son whilst dying. This experience and the one I’ve referred to beforehand show that someone that is dying can say all sorts, their thoughts aren’t rational. Her son could have been in the room and she would probably have still been asking for him.

Show quote history

Oh please.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/02/2023 19:27

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 19:08

It does in that the OPs MIL was asking for her son whilst dying. This experience and the one I’ve referred to beforehand show that someone that is dying can say all sorts, their thoughts aren’t rational. Her son could have been in the room and she would probably have still been asking for him.

Show quote history

You know your experience isn't universal yes? Another possibility, a probability even, was that she was entirely aware that her ds wasn't present and wanted to see him one last time.

PeachCobblerz · 16/02/2023 19:29

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

This is bang on. I've been the one to rush to the bedside on too many occasions. I've seen the selfish ones and the ones who just can't cope with death run away from responsibility. Interestingly those people never learned to cope, it just got worse with each member of the family passing, they became more and more overwhelmed until in some cases they cut contact rather than deal with the reality of their loved ones aging. It's pathetic and shows a real lack of character. OPs husband is definitely one to watch, will be be there for OP in her hour of need?

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 16/02/2023 19:29

I would feel this too. How can all of you be supporting a grown up man refusing to spend the last few hours with a loving mum who is asking for him?? Imagine you and your child. OP you sound like a wonderful support to the family. I would feel as you do.

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 19:33

Blossomtoes · 16/02/2023 19:19

Oh please.

Show quote history

Having witnessed my dying 87 yr old MIL repeatedly asking for her dead mother, which was extremely distressing for both her and us, I’m not saying that it’s definitely what happened but that it is not beyond the realms of possibilities that the MIL referred to could have been unaware of what she was saying.

grubblyplank · 16/02/2023 19:45

Both of my brothers struggled greatly with my mum dying and neither of them wanted to spend any time in the room in her final days. Luckily, my sisters and I stayed with her the whole time.

Everyone deals with death differently and there is no right or wrong way to do that. You need to allow him to do what he wants to get through the difficult times ahead.

FixItUpChappie · 16/02/2023 19:47

"People cope very differently with these things. I'd give him a big hug and ask what he wants to do next."

^^This

DirectionToPerfection · 16/02/2023 19:56

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 19:33

Having witnessed my dying 87 yr old MIL repeatedly asking for her dead mother, which was extremely distressing for both her and us, I’m not saying that it’s definitely what happened but that it is not beyond the realms of possibilities that the MIL referred to could have been unaware of what she was saying.

Show quote history

This is just ridiculous, you're entirely projecting now.

No reason to doubt that when the woman asked to see her son, she wanted to see her son. She didn't ask for her dead mother or grandmother or her neighbour's cat, she asked for her son.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2023 20:28

Bearing in mind OP said MIL was out, which I assume means unconscious, not sure how she could say anything

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 20:31

DirectionToPerfection · 16/02/2023 19:56

This is just ridiculous, you're entirely projecting now.

No reason to doubt that when the woman asked to see her son, she wanted to see her son. She didn't ask for her dead mother or grandmother or her neighbour's cat, she asked for her son.

Show quote history

Isn’t everyone projecting? Whether it’s justifying or condemning the OPs husband. None of us know what the dying mother nor her son were thinking.

Regarding my PP, I even typed it bold
I’m not saying that it’s definitely what happened

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/02/2023 21:09

I can't believe most of the answers on this thread. It's not ok that the son wasn't there. It's not. His mother was passing on, she asked for him repeatedly, and he couldn't face going. So he didn't.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, and this is one of those. There's nothing more important than creating a baby and saying goodbye to your (loving) parents at the time of death.

He may have been emotionally upset - but at this moment, his dying mother's emotional upset was way more important and he should have gone.

I think his behaviour is disgusting and I would never be able to trust his ability to do the right thing. Or to be there if I was in trouble.

Wtf happened, that his need to avoid anything uncomfortable trumped his dying mother's wish to see him a last time?

What a weak willed, prissy piece of shallowness.

Suzi888 · 16/02/2023 21:54

“What a weak willed, prissy piece of shallowness.”

In your opinion. We are all built differently. I don’t want anyone feeling obliged to attend my death bed. Let alone my child. No thanks!

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 22:13

DirectionToPerfection · 16/02/2023 19:56

This is just ridiculous, you're entirely projecting now.

No reason to doubt that when the woman asked to see her son, she wanted to see her son. She didn't ask for her dead mother or grandmother or her neighbour's cat, she asked for her son.

Show quote history

Given that the OP originally said her mother in law was ‘out’ when they got the phone call and remained ‘out’, how do you, or anyone else who has actually thought this through, think MIL managed to ask for her son if she was unconscious ? The OP didn’t mention her MIL asking for DH until she was specifically asked by a poster - after dozens of initial posts expressing support for her DH. She also didn’t clarify whether her DH knew his mother was asking for him, if indeed she was.

another1bitestheduck · 16/02/2023 22:37

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 13:41

Sorry, posted too soon, but yes, I take your point that someone would have to have a very good reason not to be there if they were aware that the person was conscious and asking for them. It depends on whether that happened here, and if so, was DH made aware of it - something that also hasn’t been clarified.

Show quote history

see I interpreted 'out' as 'on her way out' (as in dying and not likely to recover) rather than 'fell unconscious and hasn't woken up since.' Particularly since OP then specified she had been repeatedly asking for her DS - it seems more likely (and very understandable!) to me that OP didn't put every single interaction into her initial paragraph then expanded on relevant points when asked, than that she later made up the part about the MIL asking for her DS, but forgot it contradicted her earlier point, just to win an argument with strangers online, although obviously none of us know for sure!

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 22:43

DirectionToPerfection · 16/02/2023 19:56

This is just ridiculous, you're entirely projecting now.

No reason to doubt that when the woman asked to see her son, she wanted to see her son. She didn't ask for her dead mother or grandmother or her neighbour's cat, she asked for her son.

Show quote history

MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. this indicates that at the time of posting MIL was alive.
I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this.
He came 6 hours after being called. 6 hours later would be be before posting else how would you know it was 6 hours.

so it reads that he did see her but didn’t sit there for 6 hours.

IWonderWhyIBother · 16/02/2023 22:46

@DirectionToPerfection didnt mean to quote you there sorry

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 16/02/2023 23:03

Suzi888 · 16/02/2023 21:54

“What a weak willed, prissy piece of shallowness.”

In your opinion. We are all built differently. I don’t want anyone feeling obliged to attend my death bed. Let alone my child. No thanks!

But his mum wanted to see him. You might not want your children to be there but she did. It's not much to ask when you're passing from life to death.

Blossomtoes · 16/02/2023 23:29

It always amazes me on these threads how many people appear to be clairvoyant about their future feelings. There’s a lot of maintaining that there will be no desire to accept help or care from adult children in old age, now it’s not wanting them present at a future deathbed. The fact is that until we find ourselves in those situations we have absolutely no way of knowing how we’ll feel. Or how our adult children will feel.

Tessisme · 17/02/2023 00:06

But his mum wanted to see him.

And he came. Just not quickly enough for the OP's liking.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 17/02/2023 07:34

Blossomtoes · 16/02/2023 23:29

It always amazes me on these threads how many people appear to be clairvoyant about their future feelings. There’s a lot of maintaining that there will be no desire to accept help or care from adult children in old age, now it’s not wanting them present at a future deathbed. The fact is that until we find ourselves in those situations we have absolutely no way of knowing how we’ll feel. Or how our adult children will feel.

Yeah, noticed that too.

Im sure there will be a few who genuinely hold to this in their last moments. But I'm also quite sure there will be a lot who suddenly discover that they really do want to see the child that they gave birth to, brought up, loved, cared for and equipped to handle adult life, to say goodbye to.

And then that footstep of the person they loved and wanted to say goodbye to never comes.