MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

I couldn't be there when my grandma was dying , so I kind of get it. I have experienced a lot of trauma and I knew that is something that would tip me over the edge, I just couldn't handle it. I wouldn't judge him too hard, I don't think it's a reflection on how much he loved her- probably the opposite. The pain of watching someone you love die is unimaginable, and she was not alone.

Nah, not a medal. You just don't get the boot...maybe.

I was there when my gran was dying and again my MIL and I had to get out both times. I couldn’t cope. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you because you have to carry on afterwards.

Being required to grieve in front of a massive judgy audience, not doable.

You’re really stretching to manufacture an argument when you paint “close family members of a dying woman who are themselves grieving” into “massive judgy audience” who someone could not possibly be expected to grieve alongside.

Her main emotion seems to be judging her husband and finding him failing. Oh and telling us how great she is as her reaction was different.

She's not the only one who would judge somebody for abandoning their ill loving parent in their final hour of need. As a number of us on here have said, sometimes, you have to put other people first, if you love them.

Some of us have also asked how far you would take not bothering to see a very ill person at any stage or age - if you preferred them before they got ill and you don't want to tarnish your good memories of them by continuing to stand by them now - but I don't recall anybody giving a response to that.

I think that's unfair to claim OP was telling us how great she was. She was shocked at the stark contrast between their two reactions, when she isn't even OP's mother, but (as I read it) in an 'isn't my reaction what most people would instinctively do?' way rather than 'hey, folks, most ordinary people wouldn't do this, but I would because I'm so amazing!'.

You’re really stretching to manufacture an argument when you paint “close family members of a dying woman who are themselves grieving” into “massive judgy audience” who someone could not possibly be expected to grieve alongside.

Yes, I find this strange. It's not supposed to be a chore that you need to tick off or otherwise risk judging or shame, or anything performative; for most of us, it's one final chance to spend time with our loved one, as we've naturally enjoyed doing throughout their life.

Plenty of people, when moving from a house they've loved living in, will take a moment to say their final 'Goodbye' to it, rather than slamming the door and not looking back - and that's just a massive pile of bricks that will still be there tomorrow anyway: not a precious loved family member whom you very soon will never be able to see again, nor they be able to see you again.

The no-judgment posters really are the most unpleasantly judgemental, aren’t they? The best post on this thread is the very wise and measured one about the outwardly rippling circles of grief. Some people could do with reading that before having a pop at someone who is also very much caught up in this.

She wasn't abandoned, what a ridiculous thing to say. She wasn't alone.

People just have this idea of what has to happen, what we all have to want and they can't stand it if some people feel differently.

As I've said as a loving mother I would not want my children there and I most definitely wouldn't want my child to feel they were being forced to be there. That isn't what a loving mother does is it?

Yes exactly that. So often the story just changes if everyone doesn't agree with the OP and yes he did get there, just needed some time to get his head round it. It is weird how that has been ignored.

Great bit of reading comprehension there. It was the OP who got the Olympic medal as she rushed there.

My elderly mum was in hospital recently and two patients died during visiting hours. Both were alone when they died. A nurse came to do observations and found one lady had died, and the second death was reported to the nurses station by a visitor to a patient in the next bed. There weren’t enough nurses and HCAs to cope with the living, never mind sitting with those close to death.

I agree. We all have different reactions to death and dying. And the living have to go on living with the imprint of those memories. Perhaps most people are fine with that, but a bit of understanding for those who aren't, wouldn't go amiss. I say this as someone who was not with my sister when she died. I could have been, but I wasn't. I won't go into detail, but I deeply regretted not being there and struggled to live with myself for many years. BUT, if the scenario played out in the same way again, with the same circumstances, I would probably react as I did before. I couldn't have loved my sister any more if I'd tried, but I couldn't watch her take her last breath.

I don’t think this is remotely the same thing. You can’t compare it to the processing of emotions and the gut reaction when you hear that someone you love is close to the end.

My DH collapsed and was in ITU on a ventilator, and within a very short time the doctors recommended stopping life support after a huge and inoperable tumour was found. The shock was enormous and family came at the end - partly for him and partly to support me. But his favourite niece was so traumatised by the news and the inevitability of his passing that she wouldn’t come to the hospital. I reassured her that he was past knowing who was present and who wasn’t, and told her I would let her know when the inevitable happened. One of his sisters was so distressed by the bedside vigil that she had to leave before he passed. I understood both of them - no-one really knows what they will do until they are faced with the situation and then you do the best you can.

And to those who are saying it’s an indication that he would have the same reaction if something happened to the OP. I’ve experienced the passing of parents and the passing of a life partner, and IME they are not the same - the relationship, and therefore the impact on your life is different.

I can understand the OP’s reaction to a certain extent but with respect, I don’t understand the need to post on MN during a bedside vigil. At such a stressful time, it doesn’t make sense to me, to be looking for reinforcement of your reasons to be angry from randoms on the internet. Why not wait until a quieter time and have a talk to DH to find out how he feels and the reasons behind his reaction. It’s his mum, only he knows why he is reacting the way he is.

She wasn't alone.

Yes, because OP and her SIL did the decent thing while this woman's son sat in his office pretending it wasn't happening.

Also, I don't think anyone's arguing that he has to be there the exact moment she passes. But she wanted to see him before she died, so to not even turn up for ten minutes to say goodbye is very unfair.

Well if youre being pedantic nobody actually got a medal....I assumed it was an analogy?

In which case (can't believe I have to spell this out) if OP, or for example the sister wanted to be praised for getting there first while DH was a bit later due to having commitments that might have been unreasonable.

But for him to be asked to come and then six hours later still have not even bothered getting on the road, despite the fact there were sufficient indications that in this case time WAS of the essence that is unreasonable.

Same with the people saying about how they/family members couldnt stay the whole time their relative died....again that's a completely different circumstance. If DH had turned up but then not sat in the room for the whole time (as we still don't actually know how long he took before getting there, just that he still hadn't left six hours after he was initially asked) of course that's understandable.

But in this particular circumstance the DH was aware this was time sensitive with a high possibility that if he didn't prioritise it his mother would die without having seen him. And he still delayed it without any clear reason.

@DotAndCarryOne2
Those are quite different circumstances though. Firsty because neice/uncle isn't necessarily the same as son/mother but more importantly you say your dh wasn't aware of who was there and who wasn't whereas in this case the mother was actively asking for the son to come, which to me is the key point. All the posters saying "well I wouldn't want my dc to stand out watching me die" are missing the point that what they want is completely irrelevant, in these circumstances the mother did want and was able to see and say goodbye to her son.

I agree with your point that the best way of discussing it being later when emotions are settled though.

People should choose for themselves how or if to say goodbye. Death is just a moment, it's far more important how people treat each other during life. Plus some people want to remember loved ones as they were, not gasping and moaning undignified in a bed.

DH has been very clear that he can't cope with the idea of me dying and won't be there. I made him promiss to support DD, I'm an adult and can perfectly well die without him.

People are odd. I was the one who called my in-laws for their dad I was with him in hospital as he died of the same condition that had killed my mum 6 months before in the same ward. Husband and brother left work immediately but we're over an hour's drive away. Sister in law 1 stopped to have her pre booked hair appointment before driving from the other side of London. sIL 2 was 20 minutes away and said can it wait until I finish work .....

I went back and re-read the OP’s posts. The OP said they had a phone call when MIL took a turn for the worse, and at that point she was ‘out’ and still ‘out’ when she was posting on MN. MIL asking for her son wasn’t mentioned until someone asked the specific question. Then we got the information that MIL had asked for him six times that day. Whilst unconscious ?

Sorry, posted too soon, but yes, I take your point that someone would have to have a very good reason not to be there if they were aware that the person was conscious and asking for them. It depends on whether that happened here, and if so, was DH made aware of it - something that also hasn’t been clarified.

Plus some people want to remember loved ones as they were, not gasping and moaning undignified in a bed.

So all about themselves then, with no consideration to the person they supposedly love. Does someone "gasping and moaning undignified in a bed" not still deserve care and respect, or are they now unworthy of it because they'll be dead soon anyway?

I honestly find that attitude disgusting.

@DirectionToPerfection but some people might not want their loved ones to witness that. My DF didn't want us hanging round his bed whilst he gasped his last breath. I did go and see him hours before he died (when we got the call from the hospital) when he had slipped into unconsciousness and was on the drugs they give patients as they are dying. But I knew he wouldn't want me there waiting for him to die. I had seen him a few days before when he was awake and smiling and able to talk a little. We hugged and kissed then.

He was a proud man, he wouldn't want us to witness him when he was undignified in bed. In fact, I feel guilty that DH accompanied me into the hospital room when I went to say my goodbyes, as now feel that DF might not have wanted DH to see him like that, but at the time DH was supporting me and my DM, but he kept respectfully at the back of the room.

toomuchlaundry

OP's MIL did want to see her son though. It's a different situation.

He didn't have to be there the moment she died, but he should have gone and said goodbye to her at least. Seems he did do this eventually which is something.

For me it's about the wishes of the person who is dying, so deliberately staying away from a loving parent who wants to see you because "I want to remember her how she was" is appallingly selfish in my opinion.

Another thing that is relevant but we don’t know - is whether the OPs FIL is still alive and whether the husband previously has witnessed his father dying. We were on holiday when my FIL died and 7 months later when MIL was dying my BIL told us that he couldn’t watch their mother die also. The whole process was extremely traumatic for my husband, MIL kept calling for her mother, so those saying that it’s relevant that the OPs MIL was calling for her son and knew he wasn’t there, I’d be interested to know what you suggest we could have done as her mother had died 20 years ago. DH was so upset regarding what he experienced more than her passing.

Could be in a funeral home ...hopefully not with the living or dying.